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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect BIL to attend Christening?

102 replies

Pinkcatgirl · 02/07/2015 15:09

My DS is being christened in a few months, and my sister is one of his Godmothers. Her husband is refusing to come to the christening as apparently he "doesn't believe in it". He and my sister got married in church 7 years ago, and attended church weddings (inc mine) so this is a recent thing. I don't mind if he doesn't join in the vows about prayer etc just as I wouldn't if I attended a wedding of another faith, but I'd still go.

He's entitled to his views but I find it odd that he's not coming to his nephew's christening, especially when his wife has an important role. They v sadly don't have children, which may be part of the reason for his non attendance, but my sister will find it far harder to deal with all the "when will you have kids?" prying questions on her own, I'd be seriously unimpressed if my DH did this to me!

He also didn't attend my DD christening 2 yrs ago, apparently he had a cold. Bit annoyed then as it was a sit down meal and we'd already paid for it / had seating plan etc.

OP posts:

PHANTOMnamechanger · 02/07/2015 17:01

I am a regular churchgoer. I have been to non-faith weddings, christian weddings - including very strict roman catholic- and a jewish wedding. i would go to any ceremony such as these for a close friend or family member. I can't think of a reason why I would not go and support 2 friends making their vows to each other even if i did not share their religious views. I would go to a naming ceremony, a thanksgiving or a christening, again because it is supporting the parents in their celebration of their new arrival. I also happen to mean the vows I make as a member of the congregation, about supporting them and being a good influence etc.

We chose not to have our DC christened/baptised though, so that they can make those choices themselves, if they wish to, when they are old enough. For too many people it is all about the party and not about the vows, which i find sad. Have a naming ceremony, or just throw a big 'welcome to the world' party instead! We had a small thanksgiving service with just our parents and our normal church congregation - no big party, no gifts. Your BIL must have very strong views on what baptism actually means in order to object to it, which i find odd in itself if he does not believe in it - if none of it is real, whats the problem anyway. Maybe he is one of the people scared of going to church in case he catches religion or maybe he just fancies some time on his own to watch a match on TV?

seagreengirl · 02/07/2015 17:07

I'll happily attend any religious nonsense I'm invited to.

Ha, me too!

LurkingHusband · 02/07/2015 17:11

I'll happily attend any religious nonsense I'm invited to.

Sometimes the nosh is good .

At a friends wedding I had a fascinating tour of the church and some hidden gems you don't often see (some puritan whitewashing was peeling, revealing some pre-reformation murals). Just the God bit can be tiresome.

ApocalypseThen · 02/07/2015 17:13

It's disgraceful isn't it, people sticking by their principles.

At the expense of family relationships for no effect, it's pretty stupid. This is not a stance that will save the world, a life, an animal or even a mere tree. It's just making yourself an unkind family member.

MrsGentlyBenevolent · 02/07/2015 17:19

'Unkind to a family member'.

If we are to assume correctly, the sister and her husband are either having trouble having children, or just can't. The op states that at least the sister has to face difficult questions, but has still asked her to be a godmother (a bit mean in itself if you want to be black and white about it - you can't have kids, but you can't have this extra title on mine - I know that probably isn't the case, but there are many sides to it). Maybe he really can't deal with it. Or maybe his idea of spending the day in church, then making mindless small talk after, is just not his idea of a fun day off, regardless who it's involving. Which he has a right to do. Missing a baptism isn't the worst thing in the world, it's not a travesty.

WeAllHaveWings · 02/07/2015 17:21

If he doesn't want to come do you really want him there under duress?

Was your sister also your DD's godparent. If they cant have kids maybe he's struggling a little with your sister being a godparent to their nephew and he, as her husband wasn't asked?

ApocalypseThen · 02/07/2015 17:23

Missing a baptism isn't the worst thing in the world, it's not a travesty.

Of course it isn't. But it's not kind. People depend on their close family to care about and celebrate these occasions. In my opinion, it's a good thing - in the name of family relationships - to put yourself out a bit and attend with grace.

WhetherOrNot · 02/07/2015 17:23

So he's an In Law not direct relative. He can do what he wants - he's an adult with his own views. Respect that.

MrsGentlyBenevolent · 02/07/2015 17:25

I also explained why I don't think the OP has taken her sister and her husband's lives wholly into consideration, Apolalypse - that may also be deemed unkind.

That is a point though - did you ask him to be godfather OP, or just your sister?

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 02/07/2015 17:27

Personally I think Christenings are totally odd. A family who (9 times out of ten) arent even regular churchgoers, watch a man splosh water over their baby's head, and everyone makes promises to a God that they will raise the child according to a rule book.

I have no issue whatsoever with people choosing to follow a faith. I do have a problem with people investing a baby into a faith of which they havent chosen.

However if the family and their baby were important to me, I would go as a sign of respect towards their beliefs.

It is possible probable that this man simply has no respect for you.

wafflyversatile · 02/07/2015 17:30

YABU

Just seems like a non issue to me.

It's up to his DP whether she's pissed off with him for not coming, not you.

Most occasions have some people who can't or won't come. I'm sure you'll cope fine.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 02/07/2015 17:32

Well at least he is being up front about it this time around and saving you the expense?

Otherwise, what LurkingHusband said, but it's quite possible that your sister is v pleased that he won't be there spouting off about what a load of old nonsense it is.

MaximumVolume · 02/07/2015 17:32

Yes to what TTWK said.

EvansOvalPiesYumYum · 02/07/2015 17:50

Is it at all possible that your BiL doesn't agree with you imposing your religious views upon a baby who has no choice?

What I mean is - he attended your church wedding and had one of his own, but you are all adults and had a free choice in the matter. Babies have no choice, but have it thrust upon them.

Just a thought?

EvansOvalPiesYumYum · 02/07/2015 17:53

Yes, essentially, I'm also agreeing with what TTWK said (sorry, went off to do an online shop in-between trying to read the thread comments)

Wisteria1979 · 02/07/2015 18:01

I agree with lotta and two, I think that's where the real issue lies. Don't make a big deal out of it and be grateful your sister is ther for you and the family on the day.

mrsdavidbowie · 02/07/2015 18:05

Is he playing golf?

NorahDentressangle · 02/07/2015 18:09

I'm a bit Hmmmm about christenings.

If it because the DPs are regular churgoers then yes, of course have a christening. If it's just to get into the local church school then admit you are a hypocrite and accept some people might be a bit put out.

I would also have reservations about asking my Dsis to be my child's godmother if she couldn't have children herself. I would check with her that she is ok with doing it.

If you are a regular church goer and okd it with DSis then fine.

StoorieHoose · 02/07/2015 18:09

I would think that if they have trouble conceiving and you have asked your sister to be godmother without asking him to be god father is at the root of it

I admit I am an auld curmudgeon and can't stand the expectation and pressure to attend events - if he doesn't want to go who is is hurting? Certainly not the child being christened

BathshebaDarkstone · 02/07/2015 18:14

YANBU. I'm not a Christian but I'd go to a church wedding or christening. Non-pagans came to our handfasting, so the least I can do is return the compliment.

Original poster

Pinkcatgirl · 02/07/2015 18:21

Thanks for all the responses. I don't think he has a problem with the act of child baptism, given he is a godfather to a friend's daughter. But she is a few years old, so. Maybe he wouldn't accept the responsibility now.

I get the feeling that If we begged him, he would come to the lunch afterwards, but this does feel wrong somehow to me, because the day to me and DH is about thanking God for DS / welcoming him to our church as well as a free lunch.

I did think very hard about asking my sister about being a godmother, I was very aware of the possibility of causing upset, but given she burst into tears and was really touched. I'm assuming it was a welcome invite. Now wondering if I've read the whole thing wrong!! I also said she didn't have to attend Christening if too painful, but she said don't be ridiculous, she's really delighted to be a godmother as well as auntie.

Ok, so question really is, should I beseech BIL to come??

OP posts:

Lottapianos · 02/07/2015 18:26

No, don't beg him to come. You're not sure of his reasons why he's declining - your sister sounds happy to attend but he may not feel the same. And honestly, an invitation is just that - you don't get to demand that anyone attends. Focus on who will be attending and enjoy the day

MrsGentlyBenevolent · 02/07/2015 18:29

No you shouldn't 'beseech', not at all. That would be awful, really rude. You said it would be wrong to beg him just to come to the lunch, but he'd miss out on the important ceremony, then you want him to come to that even though he doesn't apparently believe in the whole thing anyway - just to appease you and your child (who has no idea what's going on).

If he's a godfather to another child, why did you only ask your sister, not both of them?

Original poster

Pinkcatgirl · 02/07/2015 18:33

Are you supposed to ask couples?! Our other 5 godparents are half of couples and no one else seems to have taken offence.

My sister and BIL aren't legal guardians, that's another aunt / uncle.

OP posts:

Bogeyface · 02/07/2015 18:37

YABU to expect anyone to come, its an invitation and he is perfectly entitled to turn the invitation down for whatever reason.

I dont see why the fuss tbh. Your sister is presumably ok with it, he isnt playing an important role and will just be there to see it done. Why do you feel the need to beg him to attend?!

Do you get on with him normally? Because it seems a bit odd that he will attend other christenings and weddings in church, including being a Godfather but is refusing to attend this one. Could it be that he just doesnt like you very much?

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