Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

To expect BIL to attend Christening?

102 replies

Pinkcatgirl · 02/07/2015 15:09

My DS is being christened in a few months, and my sister is one of his Godmothers. Her husband is refusing to come to the christening as apparently he "doesn't believe in it". He and my sister got married in church 7 years ago, and attended church weddings (inc mine) so this is a recent thing. I don't mind if he doesn't join in the vows about prayer etc just as I wouldn't if I attended a wedding of another faith, but I'd still go.

He's entitled to his views but I find it odd that he's not coming to his nephew's christening, especially when his wife has an important role. They v sadly don't have children, which may be part of the reason for his non attendance, but my sister will find it far harder to deal with all the "when will you have kids?" prying questions on her own, I'd be seriously unimpressed if my DH did this to me!

He also didn't attend my DD christening 2 yrs ago, apparently he had a cold. Bit annoyed then as it was a sit down meal and we'd already paid for it / had seating plan etc.

OP posts:

ActiviaYoghurt · 02/07/2015 18:42

At least he told you. I have a friend who has issues with child baptism but didn't know until he was a no show and we had catered for him and his family!

I wouldn't get het up about it, leave him be

LaLyra · 02/07/2015 18:48

i would leave him be. He sounds a bit like my husband - he will attend weddings as that is the choice of the adults, but won't attend the christening of children who are not choosing for themselves. When he was younger he attended some christenings, despite feeling very strongly he didn't want to be there, as he didn't want to upset anyone. He now feels that is a two way street.

I would invite him to the lunch after if you want him there. yes the day is about thanking God for your daughter, but can it not also be about accepting the family around your daughter for what they are going to bring to her life?

Lavenderice · 02/07/2015 18:53

I don't go to church services for anything these days as I can't bring myself to be in places that promote sexism and homophobia, amongst horrible things. I used to make myself go and it just used to make me unhappy. You've made your decision, he's made his, let it go.

Summerisle1 · 02/07/2015 18:57

I once had a relationship with a militant atheist who, to be honest, made a complete buffoon of himself if required to set foot in a church for other people's significant events. Being a pagan, I'm not one for Christian rituals either but equally, it is perfectly possible to go along and behave like a well-mannered non-believer. Not an attention-seeking arsehole.

I don't think you have any right to assume people have to attend your child's Christening. But at the same time, your BIL isn't going to catch Jesus by crossing a church threshold. He also sounds as if he's thoroughly enjoying being difficult. I wouldn't beg him to come though. I'd act as if I didn't give a toss.

KERALA1 · 02/07/2015 19:02

Anyone else internally smirking at the earnest discussions about atheism and his inability to conceive? I bet a million pounds he just can't be arsed to come. I know a few men like this who bin off everything to do with the wife's friends or family after a while. Lame and depressing and sadly says more about the state of their relationship/his view of his wife than it does about anything else. We all have to suck it up sometimes and do things we wouldn't necessarily choose to to make our partners happy - the fact these men (and it almost is always men) won't is shoddy behaviour.

I wouldn't say or do anything except possibly make ZERO effort with anything that means anything to him in the future, without hurting his wife of course...

WinterOfOurDiscountTents15 · 02/07/2015 19:11

I'm failing to see what earthly difference it makes to you, your kid, your religious ceremony or your day whether he comes or not. Why do you care?

People have very odd attitudes to these things. You invite people to something, they can attend or not. Nobody is obligated. Maybe he has a good reason, maybe he doesn't. But why do you care?

Original poster

Pinkcatgirl · 02/07/2015 19:12

No I suppose he doesn't like us that much. I won't worry about it.

I think my last post was misconstrued... I wasn't going to beseech him to give up deeply held convictions, I more meant should I put aside my feelings about christenings and welcome him to lunch as an uncle. I find it sad that my sister's husband has so little interest in my kids, whereas my husband's SIL ( eg brothers wife) dotes on them but I guess thats totally their individual choices and not something I can / should do anything about.

OP posts:

PowderMum · 02/07/2015 19:15

I didn't go to my niece's christening (DH's brothers child) neither did my eldest DC. The christening was my SIL insistance as she is into showing off and parties. DH went to support his brother, despite the fact they are both non believers, younger DC went for a day out. DC & I stuck to our principles. I also couldn't stand SIL (now exSIL). I do go to weddings and would happily go to a christening of regular churchgoers.

MrsGentlyBenevolent · 02/07/2015 19:17

Jesus, KERALA, he just not going to a christening. Don't make it into fit into your ideas. If he can't be arsed to go, fair enough - doesn't say anything about his relationship. That's an awful assumption to make, especially 'how he views his wife'. I don't want to go to a family event on my partner's side end of summer. I have my reasons, none of them really applicable (I could easily use an excuse), but it's easier just to say to my partner 'you know what, I just don't want to go, I'm not stopping you obviously! We can enjoy doing our own thing that day'. Because that's how adult relationships work. And his family will understand, because they know they world doesn't revolve around their life events. Poor bloke - should have faked an illness again I think, at least that way no one could prove he just wanted the day to himself.

LaLyra · 02/07/2015 20:00

I think you should invite him to the lunch as an uncle, even if only for your sister.

I also don't think you should underestimate how difficult he could find it if they can't have children. My brother and his wife can't have children and there is quite a bit of support for her, but very little out there for guys. It took him a long, long time to be able to be around children and not hate every second of it. Even now he struggles with small babies.

Also at a Christening on her side of the family your sister may find it easier to deal with the questions because she may allow herself to be blunter with replies that bring the questions to a halt than he may be.

Bulldogclip · 02/07/2015 20:05

We don't attend christenings, relatives or not.

Jux · 02/07/2015 20:41

Definitely invite him for the lunch. It would be churlish not to.

Bogeyface · 02/07/2015 23:25

I find it sad that my sister's husband has so little interest in my kids,

I think that you may be underestimating the hurt that enforced childlessness causes.

My sister adores my children but she finds it very hard to spend time with them because I cheerfully and easily popped out 6 of them, and she cant have 1. Her husband feels the same but doesnt have the connection to my children that she has, she loves them because she loves me and they are part of me. He doesnt love me and therefore doesnt feel that connection.

It may be that he is genuinely being an arse, or it could be that your happy family is too close to home and hurts him too much. You, your kids, your parents, the outlaws all celebrating something he can never have........thats going to hurt.

Bogeyface · 02/07/2015 23:25

And of course the fact that they are YOUR kids. They are your world, but you shouldnt feel disappointed that no one else feels the same.

Doobigetta · 02/07/2015 23:35

Christenings are about bringing the child into the flock. Why on earth would or should someone who wasn't part of that flock be expected to be interested or supportive? Hurrah, they've signed you up to something you don't understand and I don't believe in!

EduCated · 02/07/2015 23:40

I go to christenings as an atheist because I tell myself it's not about me, but fuck me I find them creepy. Something about the wording just makes me want to scream. I'd happily never go to another christening again.

honeyroar · 03/07/2015 02:00

I have to say, as someone not religious, I find christenings awful! The last one I went to I sat there dutifully but didn't join in with the chanty bits. The vicar saw me and said "let's repeat that bit with a bit more effort", glaring at me! I was livid and felt like it had been forced down my neck. I swore I would avoid christenings like the plague in future.

At least a church wedding is still a legal ceremony, even if in wording I don't agree with when religious. So I'm happier attending, and they're more fun anyway. A christening is either a religious parent "forcing" a religion on a being too young to make a choice or a non religious parent showing off. I don't enjoy witnessing either!

DoughDoe · 03/07/2015 02:08

"I would doubt if it's a new thing, it might be just that he doesn't believe in baptising non-consenting babies. "

It's not like they are being forcibly mutilated. It's just a bit of water and a speech.

If you are an atheist, then it's all meaningless and there is no damage done.

LucyBabs · 03/07/2015 02:23

If it's just a bit of water and a speech dough why the big day then? No the child isn't being mutilated but they are being forced into a religion.

TTWK · 03/07/2015 08:51

At the expense of family relationships for no effect, it's pretty stupid. This is not a stance that will save the world, a life, an animal or even a mere tree. It's just making yourself an unkind family member.

People's principles often don't save the world. I don't expect mine to. They are just a code I try and live my life by.If a family member takes part in something that is against my principles, I won't attend. I don't see why you have a problem with this. No one in my family has been bothered by it.

If a close family member decided that their child was possessed by demons, and invited you to take part in an exorcism, would you go?

WorraLiberty · 03/07/2015 08:56

Are you supposed to ask couples?! Our other 5 godparents are half of couples and no one else seems to have taken offence.

Other 5???

Fuck me, is that you Kate?

ApocalypseThen · 03/07/2015 09:21

I would definitely go to an exorcism.

MrsGentlyBenevolent · 03/07/2015 09:26

I thought the exact same thing Worra .

It sounds like an odd way to do it to me, six randomish people you know. Do they go through a vetting process? Xfactor style auditions? Genuinly interested, I was baptised Methodist, we're gernerally a boring lot when it comes to these things. Can only presume this is a Catholic affair?

ApocalypseThen · 03/07/2015 09:28

I love the perception that Catholics are the flashy good time Charlies of religion!

MrsGentlyBenevolent · 03/07/2015 09:32

Ah, well my local methodist church as a child looked more like a big garden shed - so yes, anything Catholic looks super flashy to me! As do CoE, but I only seem to relate them to every primary school I see now....

Flip

1 2 3 4 5