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Original poster

to be in a state of panic over new housemate's text?

110 replies

JammyGem · 01/07/2015 12:39

Moved into my new place just over a month ago - a friend of DP.is.the only other housemate, who's been here several years. He's been on his own in the house for about 7 months before I moved in.

He and DP always seemed to get on well, but HM's racist remarks and constant jokes about DP's nationality, as well as jokingly questioning everything he does has started to get on his (and my) nerves.

HM was away weekend just gone, and admittedly I should have asked him before hand, but seeing as he was away, the LL lives hours away, and I'm quite forgetful, I got a spare key and gave it to DP just in case I got myself locked out. I think when he came round last night he might have used it to get in, I'm not sure, I was upstairs.

HM has just sent me a text message saying that there's no easy way to say it but he wants to talk to me about a few things later. Now I'm panicking about what I could have done, whether it's not letting DP around so often (he's here nearly every night, but HM knew that was likely when he let me move in, and as I say, they're friends, but maybe he is annoyed about that) or whether it's about the key (I meant to take it back off of him more HM is back, truth be told) or whether it's something to do with cleaning, although I do all my washing up and keep everything clean and tidy, although sometimes leave the stuff drying and put it away the next day, but HM does that too.

I'm terrified for what I've done wrong. It took me ages to find any place that would let me keep my cat, and if things don't work out here I'll have to move back in with my parents, who live the other side of the country, give up my job, studies, and probably lose DP in the process.

It's so pathetic but I'm sat here crying trying to think of all the things it could be and I'm convinced he's going to kick me out. It wasn't really working with him anyway as he annoys me a lot but I knew without anywhere else to go I'd just have to put up with it.

OP posts:
Floggingmolly · 01/07/2015 15:19

But you've got to prioritise your mental health, Jammy, honestly. And living with someone who makes you feel terrified, for the sake of your cat, is not doing this. There has to be another way.

whois · 01/07/2015 15:27

Ok Op, so you are experienced in living in houseshares and detailing with the minor annoyances.

This is different in part because you are scared of the man, and I also think in part because your mental health isn't 100% right now.

If you are scared of this man and don't like living with him, I'm sure you could find somewhere else that would accept cats.

madwomanbackintheattic · 01/07/2015 15:36

Totally circular discussion.
Sweetie, get off mn and go for a walk. Get some fresh air. Come back and give the cat a snuggle, chat with hm. Make an appointment with GP.

Somewhere in slow time, you and dp (and his landlord) can look at whether moving into his with a cat is workable/ desirable.

Deep breath, and away from the computer. Everything will be fine. Staying on here is just rehashing nonsense now.

alrayyan · 01/07/2015 15:49

My Christ some people are vile on here.

Nothing weird about taking responsibility for your cat. I live abroad and in these unsettled political times am spending all my savings getting them blood tested in case we need to leave fast (5 cats, 4 dogs, parrot and bird of dubious origin)

Nothing wrong with having a wobble. Of course it makes you feel scared and overwhelmed. It's fine, not a.sign of weakness. It.passes, remember that.

lots.of Thanks Thanks Thanks Thanks to you and all the best. Tackle him head on and remember, maybe you have pissed him off but he has.probanly irritated you as well. It isn't about you being a bad person.

last, I just got notice from my lovely tenants. PM me if you are in the south west, cat flap already installed!

scarlets · 01/07/2015 16:00

I don't think that you should be living with someone who frightens you, irrespective of housework, keys, sleepovers etc. If DP is ready to move in together, and you fancy it too, find somewhere that accepts cats and go for it.

AnitaManeater · 01/07/2015 16:02

So the housemate isn't the landlord and you don't pay the rent to him and the bills are included so any extra electric/gas/water are not being paid directly out of his pocket. I think you need to be a bit assertive with him, sounds like he has rather enjoyed having the house to himself during the time your room was empty. Is there anything in the tenancy agreement about guests? I don't really think it's his place to comment.

19lottie82 · 01/07/2015 16:09

So the housemate isn't the landlord and you don't pay the rent to him and the bills are included so any extra electric/gas/water are not being paid directly out of his pocket. I think you need to be a bit assertive with him, sounds like he has rather enjoyed having the house to himself during the time your room was empty. Is there anything in the tenancy agreement about guests? I don't really think it's his place to comment.

I'm afraid you're wrong. To unofficially move your OH in when you enter a flat share, isn't a cool thing to do. At all. Guests? Yes, fine. No one is saying no to that. But full time "guests", that aren't paying rent? No way.

LineRunner · 01/07/2015 16:20

Hi, OP. You sound very anxious, and I really feel for you Flowers

You sound like you have a lot on, what with work and studies too. I think you could do with some 'you' time. Do you get any?

Original poster
JammyGem · 01/07/2015 16:36

Between working, job hunting, attempting to study, and housework, I don't get a lot of me time, and to be honest I spend all of it worrying rather than doing anything productive.
My job is really shit at the moment, for a long line of reasons, and I only just earn enough to live on. My health hasn't been great recently -I'm technically not even supposed to be working, just bed rest, but I'm on a zero hour contract so don't get paid if I don't work, and it's a very physical job with lots of heavy lifting and manual labour.
My studying keeps me going as I feel like I'm doing something with my life, and it means I feel a little more worthwhile. I'm not even at an institution yet, it's just preparing a research proposal for my PhD. Oh, and I'm meeting DP's parents in August so I'm learning a new language so I don't seem so rude. I'm so looking forward to the break!

OP posts:
AlpacaMyBags · 01/07/2015 16:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LineRunner · 01/07/2015 16:43

It all sounds exhausting.

Original poster
JammyGem · 01/07/2015 16:45

I think he has been finding it hard to adjust having someone else here, especially after being on his own for so long. But I guess he was only expecting to adjust to one new housemate, not two.

DP has calmed down a little bit I think. I've told him that HM had every right to get annoyed and that I don't want it affecting their friendship. He still is refusing to come over if HM is here though, but I guess that's actually probably a good thing.

We were supposed to be doing a date night where we watch a few films and only speak in his native language to give me a little practice, but I'm not sure if we'll do that now, seeing as it'll have to be at his and it wouldn't be fair on my HM to leave my cat with him.

OP posts:
MorrisZapp · 01/07/2015 17:04

Oh dear. This reminds me of the riddle of the missionary, the fox and the goat.

You've got a flatmate, a partner and a cat who can't all fit into your life comfortably. Something has to give.

It's not going to be the cat or your partner, sounds like you need new living quarters or a whole fresh solution.

Cats are usually fine to be left to their own devices, you can still go to your dps in the meantime.

RepeatAdNauseum · 01/07/2015 17:11

Did you post about learning French a few days ago?

I can see where your housemate is coming from, he probably thought you were warning him that you'd have your boyfriend round a night or two - as is usual - rather than thinking he'd be round most nights. But I also understand why you want him there.

If it was me, I'd have the chat with HM, and then limit him coming round for a bit. Spend a couple of nights at his, have him to yours for a night or two, and maybe spend a night or two a week in with your HM if you want it to work long-term? If you are always either out or have company, you won't have much of a friendship, which won't make being HMs easy.

Floggingmolly · 01/07/2015 17:15

Sorry; your job includes a lot of heavy lifting and manual labour, but you're supposed to be on bed rest?? Can you explain that a bit further?

DawnOfTheDoggers · 01/07/2015 17:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Aermingers · 01/07/2015 17:33

You need to give your cat to your parents for a bit and move in with your DP. You can start looking for somewhere together that will take a cat. Hell, you could probably even get away with moving the cat in for a few months. The LL probably wouldn't find out.

And go and see your GP. I do sympathise and understand about the cat. But it also sounds like you are taking the piss a bit. And I understand it's not your fault, but you do sound very unwell. And an awful lot of people, if a flat mate moves in and it becomes clear quite suddenly that they are pretty mentally unwell and that starts impacting on them and their life negatively, they just don't want to know. It's not their problem.

You have massively overreacted about this. And TBH, I understand why a lot of flat mates would be reluctant to share with someone who worked themselves into this level of hysteria just because they said they wanted to talk.

lottiegarbanzo · 01/07/2015 17:38

The cat does not need babysitting. It needs to be fed a couple of times a day, access to a litter tray / outdoors and to be talked to a little.

How, how and again, how, does that prevent you from going out for a night? Or create any significant imposition upon your housemate?

At most, if you're staying overnight at your BF's you have to ask the housemate to give the cat breakfast. That is not a big request, it's a tiny one. Easy peasy.

ReginaBlitz · 01/07/2015 17:42

Tell the racist prick to fuck off! And move back with your mum. Ffs why would you even want to breath the same air as this vile human, let alone let him stress you by being so pathetic with a txt to scare you.

Floggingmolly · 01/07/2015 18:08

He didn't text to scare her, Regina, don't be silly. Very very few people would have been "scared" by that text. He wasn't to know how fragile op appears to be.

ReginaBlitz · 01/07/2015 18:16

But it obviously would scare/stress you receiving a txt that sounds like you are in trouble

SugarOnTop · 01/07/2015 18:19

That's why she's so important to me, that and I love her to bits anyway.

i totally get it. i would do all i could to keep my cats with me, i wouldn't sacrifice them for a man if i could help it. mine have been with me for 2 years and i would be devastated if they weren't with me anymore.

as for HM, he's probably feeling nervous about having the 'talk' as well. you've sorted out they key issue - but HM needs to understand that somebody else nearby needs a spare key in case of emergencies and it can't be the landlord. i'm sure your dp could keep a spare set but only use in an emergency - speak to your landlord about that. regards cleaning, like you said HM is probably used to doing things his own way and maybe he needs to readjust to living with someone. stay calm, focussed and assertive Smile

Floggingmolly · 01/07/2015 18:20

Depends entirely on the relationship. If you're a school kid and the text is from Miss Trunchbull; sure. But the op and this guy are housemates, ie. peers. What's to be scared of?

fastdaytears · 01/07/2015 18:23

I'm not sure I'd be scared but I'd be really concerned certainly. His text definitely made it sound like a big talk and not that pleasant. Can't scroll up but didn't he say something like "no easy way to say this"? That sounds bad to me! I'm definitely not what you'd call thick skinned though.

Original poster
JammyGem · 01/07/2015 20:51

HM came back and seemed in a good mood, he didn't really bring anything up and we had a bit of a laugh in the garden before I came over to DP's. I wanted to know about the cleaning but to be honest was a bit scared to bring it up and he didn't say anything.

Sorry I seemed such a mess in my earlier posts, I'm obviously not coping very well at the moment and this whole thing has made me realise I should probably get some help.

Thank you for all your replies. DP has been lovely and had just gone out to get us a takeaway, then we're going to have a chat about the future and possibly moving in together. Apparently he was going to mention it before I moved into my new place but was worried I'd think it too big a step! I wish he'd brought it up then!

OP posts:
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