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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be in a state of panic over new housemate's text?

110 replies

JammyGem · 01/07/2015 12:39

Moved into my new place just over a month ago - a friend of DP.is.the only other housemate, who's been here several years. He's been on his own in the house for about 7 months before I moved in.

He and DP always seemed to get on well, but HM's racist remarks and constant jokes about DP's nationality, as well as jokingly questioning everything he does has started to get on his (and my) nerves.

HM was away weekend just gone, and admittedly I should have asked him before hand, but seeing as he was away, the LL lives hours away, and I'm quite forgetful, I got a spare key and gave it to DP just in case I got myself locked out. I think when he came round last night he might have used it to get in, I'm not sure, I was upstairs.

HM has just sent me a text message saying that there's no easy way to say it but he wants to talk to me about a few things later. Now I'm panicking about what I could have done, whether it's not letting DP around so often (he's here nearly every night, but HM knew that was likely when he let me move in, and as I say, they're friends, but maybe he is annoyed about that) or whether it's about the key (I meant to take it back off of him more HM is back, truth be told) or whether it's something to do with cleaning, although I do all my washing up and keep everything clean and tidy, although sometimes leave the stuff drying and put it away the next day, but HM does that too.

I'm terrified for what I've done wrong. It took me ages to find any place that would let me keep my cat, and if things don't work out here I'll have to move back in with my parents, who live the other side of the country, give up my job, studies, and probably lose DP in the process.

It's so pathetic but I'm sat here crying trying to think of all the things it could be and I'm convinced he's going to kick me out. It wasn't really working with him anyway as he annoys me a lot but I knew without anywhere else to go I'd just have to put up with it.

OP posts:
ConferencePear · 01/07/2015 14:16

Did your HM know about the cat before you moved in ?

Tuskerfull · 01/07/2015 14:19

JammyGem take a deep breath and remember this too shall pass! This is something that happens in pretty much every houseshare, everywhere. Humans find it difficult to live together in harmony no matter how reasonable, nice and well-adjusted they are. This is not a major problem and you and housemate are tackling it in the best way - by talking about it.

Please ignore the idiots going on about your cat. It is not immature or ridiculous to consider her welfare - it's what every decent human does for animals in their care. For what it's worth, it's really not as hard as you think to find places that will allow you a single cat, and it tends to be the better landlords that allow them, not the ones out to make a quick buck.

You can definitely cope with this - you ARE coping - and in a month it will just be a distant memory. You aren't going to be given notice and you and your cat still have a safe place to live.

Summerisle1 · 01/07/2015 14:19

Don't get overwhelmed, OP. I'd recommend seeing your GP because clearly, things have built up to a state of hopelessness. I'd say take each step at a time but that's difficult when you are struggling to get perspective. However, I do think you need help.

BertPuttocks · 01/07/2015 14:21

You're not useless.

You will get through this. Flowers

chewymeringue · 01/07/2015 14:26

Try to calm down a bit by telling yourself "I have a 100 % success rate of getting through difficult situations". That's what I do. I sympathise with you, I loathe confrontation and get very wound up about it.

LordEmsworth · 01/07/2015 14:26

You have not messed anything up.

You are not useless.
You have not done anything wrong.

You have caused your new housemate to be a bit miffed with you. That's all.

It is easily fixable, and you are fixing it. That is not a useless person, that is a person with empathy and understanding who takes responsibility.

I would tell you to stop being so hard on yourself, but I think you'd probably take that as another criticism when I promise it isn't!

Can't you leave your cat at home a couple of evenings a week and stay at DP's though? Besides anything will get you away from HM, who you sound quite scared of...

Original poster
JammyGem · 01/07/2015 14:26

My cat was one of the main reasons my HM was so happy for me to move in - he really loves cats, and we joked he was more excited about her moving in than me. Unfortunately she hasn't warmed to him too well and is still running away when he comes in the room, but she's getting braver by the day Smile

I just feel so torn. I know I'm in the wrong and I want to make things right, but I don't want to upset DP either. He's already gone off on one, complaining about HM, apparently he'd already offered to give him a key, and wants to get a load of stuff back that HM had borrowed. Now I'm worried that I've affected their friendship too, and I feel like I'm going to be the referee between two blokes in their 30s, and it just all seems so wrong.

I wish I could disappear and go away for a while. DP would look after my cat, he loves her to bits, so I wouldn't have to worry about her. I just wish it could all go away.

OP posts:
chewymeringue · 01/07/2015 14:29

Housemate situations are sort of inevitable though, it can be challenging living with anyone really whether they are family or not!

DejaVuAllOverAgain · 01/07/2015 14:29

Maybe the OP's DP prefers his own place to living with HM. As for the cat the OP did say that DP's landlord may not want a cat living there.

OP you really shouldn't have given your DP a key and him being there 5 times a week would annoy me too, especially if he started letting himself in. Just apologise for that and then listen to what he has to say about the cleaning. HM may, or may not, be BU about the cleaning. You won't know until you've heard what he has to say.

ppolly · 01/07/2015 14:30

I'm sure you could find somewhere better for yourself and your cat. You sound overwhelmed and unhappy and you are recovering from illness. Ask for help finding somewhere cat friendly to rent, where your DP could come and visit. It is not impossible and your cat is an important part of your well being at the moment.

tulipbulbs · 01/07/2015 14:31

don't worry all flat/house shares have their areas to iron out. Don't react until after you have talked to each other. You are also allowed to voice the things which are annoying you. You could mention his racist comments. perhaps the jokes weren't jokes but digs because he was annoyed? It's better to talk it out.
Move in together because it is what you really want, not to get away from HM.

kali110 · 01/07/2015 14:32

Op i don't think yabu to not want to just dump your cat either xx

Goldenbear · 01/07/2015 14:33

It's not 'you' OP it's the situation. Personally I think house sharing is like some kind of small hell as an adult. I have 2 young DC and DH that I live with but if my DH listed the 'problems' he had with me in sharing accommodation with him, well I could 'frankly' talk to him about it. I shared a flat with a really good friend and it was our 'downfall', you just can't be that familiar with housemates and that's where the 'stress' lies.

DejaVuAllOverAgain · 01/07/2015 14:34

Please ignore the idiots going on about your cat. It is not immature or ridiculous to consider her welfare - it's what every decent human does for animals in their care.

Oh, and this ^^

19lottie82 · 01/07/2015 14:36

don't want to upset DP either. He's already gone off on one, complaining about HM

I'm afraid he has no real right to complain here. Your DP has been the unreasonable one, refusing to move in "properly" (i.e. pay rent), but if happy to stay in the guys flat, rent free, pretty much FT?
If he starts sticking his oar in, it will just make things worse. I suggest you tell him in a nice way, to keep out of it.

With the greatest respect OP, you are massively over reacting to this, you need to talk things out with your HM and try to relax! It's your home so you are entitled to have guests, just not (nearly) full time ones!

Get a verbal agreement with your HM about how often is OK for your DP to visit / sleep over and stick to it!

whois · 01/07/2015 14:36

I'm sorry, I know I've messed up completely and all my priorities are wrong. I'm really struggling just to put everything in perspective and figure out what to do.

Jesus bloody Christ take a deep breath and relax.

I don't think your thought processes are 100% normal at the moment - are you getting any help for your mental health?

Minor annoyances and disagreements are totally par for the course of living with someone. You hair have to discuss like adults and both move forward. Better to get things out in the open that seethe for months!

Iggi999 · 01/07/2015 14:36

Of course it's not wrong to consider the welfare of your cat, just as long as you don't place it higher than your own welfare!
Have you shared flats before? There are many horror stories people my age could tell you, this is a storm in a teacup really - actually better he wants to talk about how you live together rather than moaning to your ll behind your back.

Floggingmolly · 01/07/2015 14:37

DP would look after my cat, he loves her to bits. So he would be fine with the cat moving into his place, but not you... Hmm

honeyroar · 01/07/2015 14:40

You're definitely not unreasonable to want to keep and look after your cat, it's not her fault, any of it. You probably shouldn't have got a cat until your life was more settled, but you have so she needs looking after.

I can see why your HM doesn't like things as they are. It's never nice living with a couple doing the newly wed act. Che probably feels a bit pushed out in his own home. No wonder he is sniping at your boyfriend. You've only been there a few weeks. Even if you're going to move out and in with your BF, be respectful, try and repair a few bridges and give decent notice etc.

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 01/07/2015 14:50

5 night a week is too much for your partner to be there.

So, options are:

  1. DP moves in with you. In confused about why he needs his own space when he's basically living with you;
  1. Could you ask the flat mate if he would prefer to live at your DP's? With the consent of the landlords, that could be arranged relatively easily. However, I am wondering if DP's place isn't so nice and that's why he's at yours so often; or
  1. You move in with your DP. Either at his current place or a new place. The cat surely can't be an issue for him personally as he spends most of his life with it
Original poster
JammyGem · 01/07/2015 14:50

Flogging He's already said for me to move in with him, but it depends on whether his LL would be ok with a cat. If not, we may look for another place for us both to move into that will be ok for her.

I have to make things right with HM first. To the poster who said I sound scared of him, that's because I am! He's got a vicious temper on him and can be very nasty, so I really don't want to get into an argument, I just want it all sorted so he's happy and then I'll figure things out later so they work for me too.

I've shared places before - my old house I was in for years and years, when I was living with an ex - we'd planned to stay there indefinitely, hence why we had the cat. We had a variety of other housemates over the years and while there were issues every now and then, they were usually sorted out pretty quickly and it was all done very friendly like. Here, because he's already established in the house and he's a friend of DP's and just the way he warned me beforehand that he wanted to talk instead of just causally coming out with the problem as I've always had experience of before, it just has all built up and I'm terrified.

I also think that the absolute panic and horror and wanting to hide myself and run away and realising how useless and terrible person I am means that I'm probably not doing so well mentally, and should probably see my doctor again.

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 01/07/2015 14:59

And so? I think moving in together is a really big step, not to be undertaken lightly. I'd always advise a friend to keep a place of their own until they were sure about the relationship. Would advise OP the same. Maybe if they want to spend a lot of evenings together more of them could be at her dp's place?

BarbarianMum · 01/07/2015 15:00

Cross posts Blush

Floggingmolly · 01/07/2015 15:06

Why did you move in with someone you're actually frightened of, due to his vicious temper??

It's sounding more and more like the bloody cat is your first priority, even above your own basic wellbeing... Confused

Original poster
JammyGem · 01/07/2015 15:15

Without putting too fine a point on it, if it wasn't for my cat I wouldn't be here, and that's a fact. People might not understand that, and they can laugh and scoff and roll their eyes all they want, but it's true. That's why she's so important to me, that and I love her to bits anyway.

OP posts: