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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be in a state of panic over new housemate's text?

110 replies

JammyGem · 01/07/2015 12:39

Moved into my new place just over a month ago - a friend of DP.is.the only other housemate, who's been here several years. He's been on his own in the house for about 7 months before I moved in.

He and DP always seemed to get on well, but HM's racist remarks and constant jokes about DP's nationality, as well as jokingly questioning everything he does has started to get on his (and my) nerves.

HM was away weekend just gone, and admittedly I should have asked him before hand, but seeing as he was away, the LL lives hours away, and I'm quite forgetful, I got a spare key and gave it to DP just in case I got myself locked out. I think when he came round last night he might have used it to get in, I'm not sure, I was upstairs.

HM has just sent me a text message saying that there's no easy way to say it but he wants to talk to me about a few things later. Now I'm panicking about what I could have done, whether it's not letting DP around so often (he's here nearly every night, but HM knew that was likely when he let me move in, and as I say, they're friends, but maybe he is annoyed about that) or whether it's about the key (I meant to take it back off of him more HM is back, truth be told) or whether it's something to do with cleaning, although I do all my washing up and keep everything clean and tidy, although sometimes leave the stuff drying and put it away the next day, but HM does that too.

I'm terrified for what I've done wrong. It took me ages to find any place that would let me keep my cat, and if things don't work out here I'll have to move back in with my parents, who live the other side of the country, give up my job, studies, and probably lose DP in the process.

It's so pathetic but I'm sat here crying trying to think of all the things it could be and I'm convinced he's going to kick me out. It wasn't really working with him anyway as he annoys me a lot but I knew without anywhere else to go I'd just have to put up with it.

OP posts:

BertPuttocks · 01/07/2015 13:17

I must admit that if my housemate had their boyfriend round nearly every night and then gave him a key, I'd be feeling miffed too.

Take this as an opportunity for a fresh start. You've been there for a month now and you've both had a chance to see which things you would prefer to be done differently. Have a discussion about house rules and rotas, and make sure you have equal input into the process.

Good luck.

whois · 01/07/2015 13:19

Far more likely to be because you're pissing home off having Do to stay every night. Why don you spend 50% of the time at DPs? I think it's really really not cool to a BF staying more that 2 nights (and not every weekend) unless you spend several nights at DPs house as well.

But really, relax, talk to him and find out what the issue is and go from there.

DontKillMyVibe · 01/07/2015 13:19

Can you not bring your cat with you to your DP's if he lives on his own? Seems a bit pointless you both renting places anyway if you see so much of each other

whois · 01/07/2015 13:24

Yes, you really can't have a snuggle-on-the-sofa night in with your DP and cat every night whilst never going to your DPs. You should also spend some time in your house, not with DP I think if you want the house share to work. Otherwise, if you spend every night with DP either at yours or his, why not just properly move in together?

Do you see your other friends at all? Have time for your studies? Just sounds a bit intense for a relationship where you aren't even living together.

Original poster

JammyGem · 01/07/2015 13:26

The bills are included in the rent, so money has.nothing to do with it, but again, I know that's not the point. HM originally wanted us both to move in (there are several other rooms that haven't been let), but DP prefers his own place. I think because of that I assumed it wouldn't be a problem, but obviously I didn't think that through.

Had to let DP know not to come over tonight and I'll meet him somewhere else instead, and that I need the key back. After asking what's happened, he's offered for me to move in with him, but it depends on whether my cat can stay there too (he loves her, but not sure if his landlord would be ok)

I know I'm in the wrong and I'm the one BU. I just wish it could've been different.

OP posts:

Summerisle1 · 01/07/2015 13:32

I'd be waiting to see exactly what your housemate has to say before making too many drastic plans. Sure, it was wrong to cut a key without checking it out and actually, being 'forgetful' is a rather lame excuse. Likewise, if the room is rented to you, then having your DP over constantly is cheeky. For all that, you don't need to go onto the defensive though. Listen to what the HM has to say and then discuss it from an equal perspective.

If it suits you to move out then sure, do it. It might well be that you would be a lot happier. But move when it suits you, not as a runaway.

nikinaki · 01/07/2015 13:33

I hope things work out for you and that you are able to move in with dp. You know you are being unreasonable, but you also don't seem happy there. house shares are hard work, I'm moving in a few months and will be living with friends and I can't wait!
Also in regards to you saying the bills are included so not about money... well actually if you look at it from his point of view, you are BOTH paying your rent which includes bills, but your dp is there nearly all week. so in effect, you aren't covering your dps bills... It is you and housemate.

Viviennemary · 01/07/2015 13:35

I think it will be one of two things or even both. The fact that your DP is there quite a lot, nearly every night, would be an issue for quite a few people. And giving him a key is quite unacceptable. And then there's the cat. If people aren't used to pets they can be a bit 'invasive' as cats don't have respect for human space! I agree with the people who suggest getting a place with your partner. Also there does seem to be three of you sharing this property and not two.

WinterOfOurDiscountTents15 · 01/07/2015 13:38

Not to be mean, but if you're writing lists in your head of all the things you could have done wrong, you're not being a very good housemate.
You gave someone else a key, someone who pretty much lives there without contributing, and from the sounds of it don't do your share of the housework.
If you want to spend your evenings with your dp and your cat, you need to live with your dp and the cat, and not someone else.

BertPuttocks · 01/07/2015 13:42

" HM originally wanted us both to move in (there are several other rooms that haven't been let), but DP prefers his own place."

So from HM's perspective, your dp refused to move in and pay rent but is now getting all the benefits of living in the house without paying a penny.

I would stay put if you possibly can. If your HM has lived alone for a long time, it's probably going to take a little while for him to adjust to the new set-up.

SunnyBaudelaire · 01/07/2015 13:46

I would call him and ask what the problem is - all this 'I need to talk to you later' is mindgame territory usually used by schoolteachers.

QueenBean · 01/07/2015 13:46

It really doesn't sound like you're the best fit for each other - his sense of humour (slash horrendous racism) and your partner being over all the time

Why do you and your partner not live together already, if he's over at yours five nights per week?

Original poster

JammyGem · 01/07/2015 13:49

To be honest, if it's possible for me and the cat to move in with DP, I'd rather do that anyway- as I said, it isn't really working out with HM anyway, he's very grumpy, makes offensive comments, and constantly makes jokey digs at DP that soon stop being funny.

To the poster who said I don't do my fair share of the housework, I'm a bit confused by that. Obviously he's said that's an issue and I'll find out exactly what it is later, but I do the hoovering, I sweep and mop the floors, clean the kitchen everytime I cook, take the bins out etc. We each have our own bathroom so it can't be too do with that. I'm racking my brains trying to think what it could be.

OP posts:

Mabelface · 01/07/2015 13:51

I can see his point now, 5 nights a week is living there without paying rent, and that's not fair. Might be worth offering your dp's landlord an extra bit of deposit so you can keep the cat there.

Kvetch15 · 01/07/2015 13:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pressanykeytobegin · 01/07/2015 14:01

DP doesn't like to leave me at the moment, but I guess he'll have to or I'll set up the cat feeder and go to his instead.

So on the one hand your cat is more important than your whole life and "d" p (who comes second to a cat) yet on the other hand you'll just leave the car and expect your already pissed off housemate to watch it instead of just taking it with you? Wait, what??

Iggi999 · 01/07/2015 14:01

Would your parents take your cat? Could you and your boyfriend look for a place together that does allow them?

Floggingmolly · 01/07/2015 14:08

It's pretty nonsensical to say your dp doesn't want to move in as he "prefers his own place" when he spends the majority of the week at yours anyway?
And; you'd move in with your dp if it weren't for the cat...
But he practically lives at yours with the cat, so what's the problem?

Kvetch15 · 01/07/2015 14:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Floggingmolly · 01/07/2015 14:12

Yeah well... More fool her if she lets him have his cake and eat it.

ClaudiusMaximus · 01/07/2015 14:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

JammyGem · 01/07/2015 14:13

I'm sorry, I know it's all confused. I'm not in a good place right now and can't really think straight. Everything seems too much to cope with and I'm really struggling, and all this with the house is just another thing on top and I'm starting to wonder what's the point of anything. It doesn't matter where I live or who with, I'm always going to do something wrong and mess up. I just can't cope with it all anymore.

Trying to think straight, I know I'll have to stay here for the tone being until we find somewhere where my cat will be allowed and where she'll be happy and safe with a little garden or something, not near the main roads and everything. It'll take a while to find somewhere I think, so in the mean time I stay put and don't see DP as often, or just meet him after work for a coffee or whatever and then both go to our own places.
I think that's for the best.

OP posts:

Summerisle1 · 01/07/2015 14:14

Agreekvetch. Sounds like the DP has his own place in order to retreat to it when it suits and when he wants his own space.

QueenBean · 01/07/2015 14:16

Op I think you've had a few harsh responses, you're obviously not in the best place and are struggling with things

Try and work this out and in the mean time, be kind to yourself

Original poster

JammyGem · 01/07/2015 14:16

I'm sorry, I know I've messed up completely and all my priorities are wrong. I'm really struggling just to put everything in perspective and figure out what to do.

I'm useless. My cat got me through this before by being something I had to keep going for to look after, and it's stupid I know, but she really is so important to me. Everything's messed up, I messed everything up, I just can't do it.

OP posts:

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