To be upset,, embarrassed and ashamed of this situation?

[AshamedEmbarrassedAndAll]

I have namechanged as in all honesty I feel utterly ashamed of this situation and am very upset.

DD is 6 and is in year 1 at school. At the beginning of reception she became friends with another girl. The mum chatted to me a lot and we met up a few times with the girls, but the mum was extremely full on, eg she told me after she'd known me for a few weeks that I was one of her best friends, and she wanted constant text contact throughout the day and wanted to see me every day.

It was all very demanding and I didn't feel comfortable so I disengaged with her a bit, but was of course still polite and friendly. And by this stage DD and her DD had drifted anyway and each seemed to have other friends at school.

It all resulted anyway in her marching up to me at collection one day and shouting loudly in front of others calling me a terrible friend, as well as other not very nice names. Followed up by several telephone calls telling me not to ever speak to her again, as well as threats such as this is only the beginning of it all and I would soon find out what it was like to have her as an enemy! I tried a couple of times to smooth things over but she didn't answer her phone when I called and ignored me when I tried to speak to her in person, so I just left it and have not spoken to her since.

She, however, has not let it go and has basically harrassed me throughout the past 18 months. She is, unfortunately, one of those mums that absolutely has to be best mates with everyone, and has to know everyone else's business. She seems to have made it her mission to slag me off (loudly, so that I can hear presumably!) whenever I am around. She arranges group nights out for the other mums, which of course I am not invited to. And large birthday parties for her daughter; this year the whole class was invited except for my DD! Her DD also goes to every possible local club imaginable and so it restricts me from sending my DD as I would just be hassled by her there. Oh and I can't help out on the PTA either as this woman is on that and I just cannot be arsed with the hassle I'd get from her! And birthday parties are a nightmare as she just picks at me.

Her campaign of getting people not to talk to me seems to have worked; I would say that around 50% of mums from DDs year give me a very wide berth and aren't as warm to me as they are to others. It's like they feel they have to avoid me at all costs. I have tried to make small talk with them and am always polite and friendly but lets just say it is obvious that they do not want to associate with me, and to be honest I cannot blame them as who would want to be involved with someone that someone else clearly loathes?

She is also very matey with the teacher. Every morning she stands in the doorway chatting to the teacher like the teacher is her best friend in the world. The teacher seems to think she is absolutely brilliant.

I just feel as though it has all cast a terrible cloud on my youngest child's first school years. I don't want to move her to another school as my other DCs attended it and I like the school, plus it is in our village so is our local school.

I feel so ashamed and embarrassed about the whole situation. I suffer from anxiety and depression anyway so it's made it worse. My mum has been poorly recently, and I have had various other stressful things and this constant nastiness just feels like it is going to break me :(

You feel Shsmed.!!!!!you're not the one who bullies both adults and children or rather a child. ( your daughter) by leaving her out of her dd's party. And to leave one child out is bullying. The same thing happened to my daughter. I was nuclear.

You see some women never leave the play ground.
I wish I hAd some sound advice but what do you do about idiots like her. The only thing I can sAy is just keep your distance, and keep yourself to your self. I just used to talk to the dAd's and GrAndads. Men are not clique like women.

My advice would also be to confront her. ALL bullies thrive on intimidation and "knowing" they've upset and humiliated their mark.

This (to me) is not an ignore situation anymore. She needs to know you are NOT going to tolerate this anymore for your and your DD's sake. I would start by "looking" different. Today. Hold your head high, stride purposefully, make and maintain eye contact. Launch straight into conversation with another Mum. I promise it will "wrong foot" her.

If she butts into the conversation stop, speak low but firm, chin high and tell her not to be so rude ( fucking rude optional ). If it continues say "I've completely had enough of your juvenile behaviour. I actually feel sorry that your STILL obviously so upset at something and nothing that happened x amount of time ago. Get a (fucking) life. It's no wonder people talk about you behind your back. You don't scare me whatsoever. But be warned, if you continue I WILL take action. Up to you. Understand?"

Or something along those lines. Please do try and stick up for you and DD. I can't bear anyone being intimidated. You can do it

Aw hugs, you have already said that you hide away so it is unlikely that you will summon up the courage to attack this horrible woman.
What you could do is go on a ' mindfulness course' which will be free if you explain your feelings about the situation to your GP.
Also you can have six free sessions ( possibly more) of counselling and CBT.
Because you have rights. The Mindful and counselling will help you.
They helped me defend myself.
This nasty piece of work will never change but you will be able to change about how you feel about her.
You have rights to live in peace from this deranged witch and as you can't change her, then there is only you left to work on.
You are a nice kind caring person who doesn't want to go around bullying anyone, but unfortunately bullies only respond to being stood up to, so go and get some mind armour.
Honestly the first time I stood up to anyone, I felt 10 feet tall.
Best of luck. I wish 20 Mumsnetters could come and stand shoulder to shoulder with you at the school gates, all with banners saying how you are our fav person.
What a horrible nasty person, a pox on her and all bullies.
Xxx

I had a similar problem but not as extreme and not at school gates. It was in a "frienship group" where miss crazy was fine and friendly then decided I had wronged her and cut me out.
The things that helped me were-
I'm always punctual, so when she arrived I was blanked and whoever I was speaking with was a person she HAD to speak to. So I started turning up late. This put the focus on me and people naturally drifted from her to me to say hi. This put her on the back foot. I literally once saw her slope iff behind a fence.
Fake it till you make it- I always said a happy fake "hi" to her, my heart was hammering but I'm not a rude cow (like her)
Read up on personality disorders especially narcissism. It helped me to think there was a bug in her brain programming so she acted like this because she had a defect- it really wasn't about "me"
Accept that others feel "in the middle" no-one wants to be the one to tell her she's a bitch in case it happens to them
Wait for it to happen to someone else- it did in my case.That's when others were able to "have a word" as she was obviously the one with a pattern of behaviour that's not on
Talk her up- if the PTA does good work, tell everyone you think she did a good jib, it will get back to her and improve other's view of you and freak her out or piss her off-
I know it's a massive strain, it really is

You poor thing - this woman sounds absolutely awful. As others have said hold your head up high and please don't change what you want to do because of her. Join the PTA, what can she do, you will be volunteering and if she makes your life unbearable on there, it will become obvious to others.

The trouble is - almost understandably because of how vile she is - others adhere to the mantra "keep your friends close, but your enemies closer". However, in time she will show herself in her true colours and the tide will turn. At the moment you are on the wrong side of her, that won't change, but give it time and there will be so many on the 'wrong' side of her, it will become obvious that it is the 'right' side.

You sound absolutely lovely, keep on doing what you are doing but please don't hide away, don't avoid her, keep the upper ground, show others how lovely you can be. This will infuriate her and she will blot her copybook one too many times. I bet there are few more people who dislike her than you realise, they just don't have your guts to step away from her. Good luck.

When you're chatting to a group and she barges in, you could calmly (but firmly) say something like "Oh hello, X, we were talking about camping. Y here has never been but is going soon and we were thinking about the best tent..." Or whatever it was. My bully just tossed her head and walked away when I did that; everyone else just turned to me and gave variations on "I really don't like that woman".

Sorry this is happening to you OP. How awful for your poor DD too to be the only one not invited to a class party! Certainly nothing to be ashamed of. She is the one who's acting embarrassingly. Don't let her put you off taking your DD to different things. If she makes a scene, complain and do the same at the school. You don't have to speak to the class teacher, speak with somebody else at the school

Op when I was dealing with my similar situation I felt utterly alone and a bit paranoid, as if she'd turned the entire school community against me. Once it was over I found out that I had wrongly assumed this about SO many people in fact the majority of people were either supportive or couldn't care less either way.

I actually think she's quite clever, reminds me of the film director who would fire someone on the first day so the rest of the crew would know he meant business. No one will cross her now they've seen her pummel you into the ground

^ This by Glogirl- spot on. You were targeted as the fall guy here on day 1 and now everyone can see what happens if they get on the wrong side of her. I'd bet money that is her modus operandi wherever she goes.

I feel so sorry for you . She's nothing but a bullying windbag. Isn't it appalling and yet interesting reading this thread to see how many others have been on the end of similar situations? What is it with such bullies?? It must be exhausting going through life looking for opportunities to crush people under foot in order to feel good about themselves.

Great advice on here. It's going to be tough on you though because you sound worn down and rattled by it and are not naturally confrontational yourself. However I think you need to draw on inner reserves to fight this now before it turns into months and years.

Fight it in your own way though. If you feel you can find the strength to take her on and have a word then great, do so. But if you can't then just carrying on, not cowering from her and doing all the things you want to, PTA, school friends over, seeing other mums etc will be an equally good trouncing to her.

I do think the nicer you are to everyone else, and steering clear of talking about her you will inevitably come across as the better person by far. By default every time she is nasty about you the worse she will look. This does work. My dd used this in the face of her bully at school and it totally takes the wind right out of their sail. How can you be nasty about a person everyone else perceives to be lovely? This approach is very frustrating for a bully who bullies the way this woman does.

You have nothing, NOTHING to be ashamed of here. She otoh has plenty.

Hold your head up and ignore her. Fight her by getting on with life and not being driven out.

Oh and another thought..if she ever sends you a text or anything in writing that is unpleasant, keep it. Proof in writing is valuable and impossible to deny if you ever do need evidence that she's nasty to you.

I wouldn't be so sure the teacher thinks she's wonderful. She may know what she's like and be simply humouring her for her own sanity!

I've been in a similar situation. Horrible. it really affected me and it was worse because of the worry about how it can affect your children's experiences/friendships etc. Don't let it stop you doing things and maybe share what she did with your friends.

Oh my goodness my lovely , she sounds absolutely horrific and quite frankly a nasty piece of work, I would still give her a extremely wide birth as much as the pacific ocean. The parents will soon find out how she is really like. I leave the school gate mums at the school gate, and make your own friends outside of it. I am sure that there are a few school mums, who cannot stand her, or who are sensible enough to see right through her.

Yes if she is harrassing you, go to the Police with the texts.

Brilliant advice all through the thread.

Choose your plan and find the strength to follow it for your DDs sake OP.

Honestly. I understand how it feels to feel it's safer to cower, powerless and helpless, but when you have DCs you have to find that spine and do what needs doing. There's no two ways about it.

You can do it, and you'll feel fantastic when you've been strong and it's all done and dealt with :)

Quite frankly, to take it out on a child, and leave her out of the party, whilst the whole class is invited, is spiteful and low, and says a lot about the type of person she is. That is not somebody I would have as a friend.

I think that the idea mentioned upthread about starting a FB group is a FANTASTIC one.

You could either make it a village one or a school one (school one might be better).

Call it 'parents of Bramcote Village School' etc

Turn it into a place where parents can chat, keep in touch and sure news about the local school.

Make the group 'closed' (this will mean that only members will be able to see what is being discussed on there) and also set the admin settings so that you have to approve all member request and of course you do NOT accept her into the group.

I'm a whizz on Facebook, I'll do it for you if you pm me the details

Sorry if this has already been answered, but what exactly does she say to you apart from "you won't like me as an enemy"? What exactly are you supposed to have done to make her behave like this? There's a mum similar to this in DD's school, caused problems since DD was in reception. Me & DD have got off lightly but everyone knows what she's like and pretty much all the mums have had their turn being slagged off by her. I know it's hard but try not to show it's getting to you.

I think you've been given some excellent advice on this thread - the problem is with her, not you, and I wouldn't blame you if the next time she is loudly running you down, you say to whoever you are with 'you can see now why I didn't want to speak to her 20 times a day'!

One thing I would say is that you mentioned you suffer from anxiety - please don't let this stop your daughter going to the local clubs. I have a relative who suffers with anxiety and depression and I am amazed at the way they view things - they can be unknowingly very self-centered and think that everything is happening to them, anything that goes wrong is a personal attack on them (even by big national companies) so although this woman does sound barking mad all her attention is probably not on you but you just haven't noticed her other avoiders/victims yet!

LOVE the idea of being a governor, go for it! Good luck (and it's nearly the summer holidays, 6 weeks off, yay!)

Have you talked to your friends about her? Can you agree a plan of action for when she tries to barge in on your conversations, e.g.if she tries to start talking to one of them, that person just says "Oh, hello X, sorry, could we talk about that later"? And maybe all of you agree to talk to other parents and see whether they actually do like her, or at least get them to think about the fact that there's another side to the story?

If you know for a fact that your dd was the only one not invited to a class party because of how she feels about you, that is bullying and I would have seen the HT, that is not acceptable.

We have the 'pre-school parent' version here. She follows a pattern where she targets someone and becomes a very overpowering best friend. The target eventually manages to wriggle free and then the woman moves on to the next person, usually slagging off her previous best friend.

Everyone knows what she's like and aren't fooled by her at all. They don't join in with any of the badmouthing of the previous targets and basically offer the bare minimum of politeness.

I suspect the teacher in the OP is probably fed up with the bullying woman too and humours her. I don't know of a single teacher who actually wants to chat to the same parent every single morning unless it's related to particular issues affecting a child in the class.

The mornings are one of the busiest times for them, and even the most wonderful parent in the world is eventually going to be viewed as a PITA if they insist on long chats with the teacher every single morning.

I am glad you have some other mums to talk to. it sounds like a horrible situation. I am one of several 'reject mums' in a class where the other mums are quite close and socialise a lot and there are a lot of sleepovers that my dd misses out on. They totally ignore me, but since my dd is now in yr 5 I no longer care. your situation sounds more poisonous, but I would think carefully before changing schools. Ask your friends for ideas too. I never joined the pta, but I always help out at the school fairs.

Turn your back on her take your dd to clubs quietly stand up to her keep chatting to ypur friends and ignore her. There was a woman like this when my youngest was in primary i was never on her radar though but i watched her work her way round other mums she isa passive aggressive arsehole a few mums spoke to the headteacher about her. I saw her recently at a secondary leavers thing and a lot of the old primary mums were giving her a wide berth

just wanted to echo the good advice you've already had. Keep your head up and don't show to her that she's getting to you.

The teacher has to be polite to everyone, don't read anything into her laughing with her.

What about organising something with a few of the other parents? Don't make it about this other woman, make it about making friends. I bet you'll find that she isn't as popular as you (and she) thinks she is.