...to feel so f'g jealous of DFs kids getting jobs when my DSs can't be arsed?

[MrsRossPoldark]

Yet again, my BF is posting on fb about her wonderful DKs - one has won a prestigious prize and is also the best salesman in her p-t student job. The other has just landed her first job, after her very first job interview [of course] and will no doubt be a star too.

My BF has recently qualified as the best [ever - it seems] student on her course and has been offered 3 jobs to choose from. I feel a bit poxy as I am 'just' a p-t administrator earning min wage and have 2 DKs the same age as hers who show absolutely no sign of getting off their arses to find a job yet.

Mind you, DS1 is about to apply for an apprenticeship as he's flunked college. DS2 has no intention of getting a job - why would he need one as he has no social life and doesn't spend money on hair products or makeup [at least not yet!].

I'm just getting a bit sick of her always fabulous fb posts, which obviously get more likes as she has far more friends than I do...

When is it my turn to be fabulous?

First of all you need to deal with your children. I assume they are now adults? Charge board and see how motivated they get.

The best advice I can give you is to never ever write your children off.
I was "written off" as someone who was lazy with no qualifications etc etc (Still have not one qualification to my name) 5yrs on and I have two DC and have just been licensed to tattoo after 4yrs of training and have a very good track record in sales.
Your DC's will scrub up well! maybe sit down each DC alone with a college prospectus or print out a list of job vacancies off Reed.co.uk or similar and help them write a cv? tell them how much they could earn and how that could go toward saving for a house deposit, car, insurance or to set up a business (whatever their interested in) don't be disheartened if they're not shining stars already just find out what makes them tick and encourage it! good luck OP.

Your friend and her family sound motivated and driven. Your friend is happy they are doing well. And you as her friend should be happy for her. If your kids are unmotivated, that is hardly her fault. If reading Facebook posts upset/frustrate you, log off and don't read them.

Don't write your children off!!! Keep encouraging them, be patient but also practical. If they are just at home they should be doing the housework

Most My friends who flunked around for a bit found their feet eventually and are now flying high
I on the other hand was shooting ahead initially but then basically burnt out in my mid twenties and had to take a career break for a bit

My ex earnt minimum wage for most of his twenties, then seized some opportunities and is soaring now

Get them doing something, even if it is volunteering /housework/ a hobby/ a so called "dead end job" and keep giving them confidence

Same for you, have a bit of faith in your self. I know lots of people who started as administrators and have found ways to slowly progress

Strange. I like my friends, and am pleased when things go well in their lives and families, even if things aren't going as well for me and mine.

Maybe I'm a bit of an oddball.

On the other hand in bed at night she could be crying herself to sleep because she wanted a boy and is jealous of the fact you seem to have the perfect family she wanted.

People that exude happiness can sometimes be putting on a front for something else.

Just be thankful for what you have :)

I am happy for them - of course I am! I just feel that I'm a bit of a failure as everyone else seems to be just getting on with their fabulous lives, 'dahling' and being recognised for all their wonderful achievements, so yes, it doesn't stop me being very envious.

Having said that, I am an active GodMother to one and I am very fond of her.

I find it hard to appreciate my DSs for being what they are and tend to forget that they just aren't confident and outgoing like BFs are. Maybe it's a boy v girl thing as I come from a family of sisters and now I have 3xDSs, so I'm just not used to how boys 'work' [or not!].

C'est la vie!

If you reread your 1st post OP, you may notice the sarcastic comments you made. It certainly doesn't sound like happiness you feel towards your friend and her kids. You will be fabulous when you decide to feel fabulous, but until then, please don't try to bring others down.

Justmuddlingalong - just having a 'poor me' moan I suppose! Is there an emoticon - for "just get on with it, you idiot"?!

It does sound like the friend has put the work in for her fabulous 3 job offers though in fairness.

You have been happy to plod (maybe the boys are following your example??) And there isn't anything wrong with that either. We need plodders. They are the glue to everyone else and get stuff done. I am one.

Comparison your dc to others seemingly fabulous dc doe s othing for their confidence or yours. So stop now. Their is nothing more confidence wrecking than never being good enough compared to so n sos kids. My dm did this all the time. Took about 20 yrs to get it out of my system and have self confidence.

Moan away Mrs. Look at how you can be happy with or improve your life and family.

Florriesma: actually very astute - looking back, I was never a high-flying 'manager' type, but always a hard-working, respected and loyal member of a team.

I was asked years ago why I never moved on in my career to become project manager [or equivalent] and I realised then that I don't want that kind of responsibility. I feel I have quite enough as it is, so why take on more just to prove how fab I am? Maybe my boys have picked that up too? They just don't feel that need to impress. Once they find something or someone they want to work for, they will find their motivation.

Well said Florriesma

I used to have a friend who was brilliant at everything she turned her hand to and I did tend to compare myself with her until I realised that she is indeed exceptional (and good on her) and it was a hide onto nothing comparing myself with her.
As for our children, they all have their qualities just some can't be summarised in a paragraph of external success.

You need to stop comparing your life to hers.

If you aren't happy in your life....do something about it. If you think your sons need off their arses....tell them and start charging board. It's all well and good moaning about how great her life is compared to yours but she is unlikely to just have plodded along and neither have her daughters. As op said nothing wrong with plodding. My dad did the same job at the same level for 31 years. He loved his job and had no interest in being promoted. He was loved and well respected in his job and everyone was gutted when he retired. Dad felt fulfilled in what he did. He didn't however get miserable because other people moved up and he didn't.

I also don't think it's down to the difference between girls and boys, I know lots of boy that are very driven

My friend and I had a talk about this the other day. She said that she feels an inferior mum next to me as I am really enjoying my children at the moment and we are having some wonderful times together. I pointed out that she sailed through the newborn period when I had PND and seriously contemplated leaving my children or throwing them out of the nearest window. She also loved her children on sight, I wasn't keen on mine. Everyone thrives and struggles at different points in their lives.

And similarly, my sister and I had the most wonderful childhoods, had lovely holidays, a big house and fantastic toys. My friends used to tell me how envious they were of us. Then my sister got stage 4 cancer, at age 20 and our family fell apart for 2 years as we tried to get her through it. They weren't so envious of that.

The first thins I would do is stop comparing yourself to your friend. Jealousy is ugly. If her kids are go getters then it's a great thing for her. Presumably they are working hard and deserve it? You can do it too for yourself, if you stop comparing yourself. Why aren't your kids bothered though? Surely the effort you put in is what you get out.

Success in life is not all about being a go getter , having a fancy job and earning lots of money.
There are other ways to measure the success of a human being.
Kindness, empathy, helping others, having a listening ear....... and humility.
Maybe hide her facebook posts if they upset you?

So what are you going to do to improve your job prospects and show your children a more dynamic you?

I think the problem lies with Facebook. Something that before would have been mentioned once or twice during a face to face chat, is nowadays plastered all over SM including images and 'fan-like' likes and comments, rendering the smallest of posts into big statements (apparently) signifying people's successes and popularity. I'm not saying that people weren't envious of others before FB but FB amplifies and promotes these sentiments IMO. I don't use FB much and cringe at the thought of posting my dc (or my) successes. Making our lives look glamourous and 'perfect' would,be so easy on FB with some nice photos etc. my advice is log off!

I do however not think that many people go for better jobs and roles with more responsibility purely for looking good. I think most people (I know) are interspersed in doing well and are driven, therefore when opportunities come up they grab them and go for it.

*interested in doing well

I think the word 'driven' is misused in that I am just as driven as my BF but I'm just not as capable and don't have the support network around me to enable me to study f-t even if I wanted to. I'm getting more forgetful & I can't even tell you what a books plot was once I've finished it!

She also has a DH who does all the cooking & is well off enough to stand the lack of income over the last 4 years while she's been studying.

My DH was out of work for 2 of the last 3 years so financially and emotionally things have been tough for all of us. He doesn't help with childcare or housework at all so I have been managing the family whilst working p-t in a job that I do really enjoy, but the money in sh@t as its in the social services sector.

My plan for the future is to have the same job role but probably in a more commercial sector and longer hours. I still have a 12-yr-old who needs me as well as my older two (one of whom is mildly autistic and needs help to get anything done).

I just have to keep looking & keep prodding my two older DSs. I have been working on DS2s CV today with a view to taking him into town to drop it off for p-t work this summer & DS1 has just submitted an application for an apprenticeship that's come up on the same day he finished college, so things really are moving on.

I think the comments re fb are spot on though as no one ever posts cr@p news there - only the 'look how wonderful I am' news. I also choose to be very selective who sees my posts and hardly ever post outside a close circle of real friends, so my 'like' rate is always low!

Envy is the thief of joy.

Please don't assume boys are less driven than girls. Boys can work hard and get jobs and do well. And be caring and communicate with you and be good to their friends. And do housework and not fight and not break things or be noisy.