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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To Miss This Because My Child Needs a Nap?

95 replies

DimpleHands · 30/06/2015 21:30

SiL is christening her baby soon. It is a late morning service followed by lunch at their house. They live about 1.5 hours away from us.

DS (2.6) still naps between 1-3pm, so I have said I won't go as I will stay at home to look after him but DH will of course go.

This hasn't gone down very well - they said DS could sleep in their house and have asked me to reconsider. I think part of the issue is that SiL thinks I don't see enough of them generally.

The thing is I doubt DS WILL sleep in a strange place (I don't even know if there will be a cot for him) and as lunch is in the garden I wouldn't be able to hear him on a monitor. He just looks so sad when he is tired and gets upset - it seems so unfair to break his routine. He also has autism so doesn't really understand things very well - i.e. he wouldn't understand if I told him we would be out in the garden/that we could go home soon.

AIBU? Should I go and just hope that DS will sleep/put up with the fact that he will get upset because he is tired?

OP posts:

PaulineFossil · 30/06/2015 22:50

Yanbu, but I do think that you or your dh need to talk to your sil and explain the effect autism has on all your lives and the importance of his routine. Many people have no idea about this aspect, and if it doesn't affect them, they really have no reason to either. Yes, it would be nice if she took the time to find out about autism herself, but she hasn't so if you want to maintain friendly relations, you need to talk to her. I've been on the receiving end of 'i can't do x important event because the baby must nap' (NT child) and it is very hurtful. Unless you explain, it is perfectly understandable that this will be very hurtful to her.

tabulahrasa · 30/06/2015 22:53

"And 3 hours in a car to attend a 45 min service seems a bit much?"

If he won't sleep and you end up going home again...yes it does seem disproportionate, but, christenings are something that you make the effort for, in that, they're a pretty big deal.

I think you kind of need to make an attempt or actually explain autism to them rather than just saying it's about a nap.

It isn't fair that it falls on you to explain autism to family members, but that is often how it goes.

ThisTimeIAmMagic · 30/06/2015 22:55

If your son didn't have autism I would say YABU. As he has autism, you are the only person who can judge the impact it will have on him so if you think it will really distress him, don't go.

BitOfFun · 30/06/2015 23:01

I don't think you're being at all unreasonable. My younges was diagnosed at 2, and this is exactly the sort of situation which would have led to a lot of distress (on my part too!) and probably ruined the occasion. People don't understand how difficult doing social stuff can be with a small child who is autistic, and it ends up being quite isolating. It will get better with time, as you develop strategies to help your child manage changes to routine, but I honestly feel that the path of least resistance is the way to go until that happens.

Your SIL perhaps doesn't understand this, but your husband should be explaining how it is to her.

MrsBobDylan · 30/06/2015 23:19

My sil didn't come to my DS christening because of her DS nap time. He doesn't have special needs, I thought it seemed a bit restrictive for her, but it didn't bother me at all.

I also have a son who got an ASD diagnosis at 2.6 and we have learnt to create a controlled environment tailored to his needs. Quite often either dh will stay home with DS while I take my other sons to family events. It suits DS and dh because he doesn't much like people and social events.

Yanbu to stay at home.

Mrsbird311 · 30/06/2015 23:33

Wow!!! I am shocked at how unreasonable and nasty some of the people on here are, yes children can be diagnosed with autism at 2 and a half, what fucking fun to turn up to a nice christening lunch to have a frightened, tired autistic boy screaming and biting and kicking his mum, which is exactly what my son would have done at that age, I suggest if you know nothing about autistic toddlers you keep your vile opinions to yourself, but back to op yodnbu your sil is stay at home with your little boy!!

MrsLeighHalfpenny · 01/07/2015 11:54

When our DDs were small, we had day to day routines, including pretty strict bed times etc. But we also made sure our DDs were acceptable to the odd out of routine day y arranging opportunities when they would need to sleep in strange beds, at strange times, stay with other people, eat at odd times etc just so that this kind of situation, where we couldn't accept family invitations etc wouldn't arise.

Your DCs shouldn't dictate what you do from day to day (IMO), they need to fit in with it.

We also made sure that the DDs were happy being looked after by other people from a very young age, just in case there ever came a time when neither DH nor I could be there for them (due to illnes, work committments or other things). The last thing you'd want to be worried about if someone was critically ill was making sure your DC could sleep in his/her own bed, because they won't sleep anywhere else.

MrsCampbellBlack · 01/07/2015 12:00

God, some people can't even read a whole OP let alone a thread.

Dimple - you are being totally reasonable.

TheXxed · 01/07/2015 12:00

MsLeigh do you enjoy being a goady heifer? Autism is not a result of inflexible parenting you half wit. Also you need to work on your reading comprehension.

MrsCampbellBlack · 01/07/2015 12:01

MrsLeigh - do your DD's have autism?

MrsLeighHalfpenny · 01/07/2015 12:04

I was trying to be helfpul .

Ah well

BarbarianMum · 01/07/2015 12:06

Wow MrsLeigh you can cure autism with flexibility and sensible parenting, good for you. Does it work with blindness too? What about problems with mobility?

DixieNormas · 01/07/2015 12:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Timetodrive · 01/07/2015 12:16

Children diagnosed so young usually have the classic signs of Autism or like my DS2 severe autism. I found that family only really understood once he reached then age 5 when they realised it was not a bloody phase.

Doyouthinktheysaurus · 01/07/2015 12:17

YANBU, your ds's autism diagnosis is key and you need to stand strong on putting your ds first.

Only you and those close to you really know the impact missing his nap would have on your ds. It may sadly jtake a long time before your wider family and friends really start to grasp the impact your sons diagnosis has on his and your life. In the meantime, keep strong and put your ds's and your needs first

Daffolil · 01/07/2015 12:23

You are being absolutely reasonable, trust your instincts.

hibbledibble · 01/07/2015 12:28

Yabu as while the autism complicates matters, this is an important event, and is worth making an exception.

Can anyone else look after ds so you can go?

AnnPerkins · 01/07/2015 12:37

YANBU

bumbleymummy · 01/07/2015 12:39

Yanbu to not want to change is routine. Is there a way for one of you to attend? Could you even make a weekend of it so you're staying up that way and can maybe just take him back for his nap and join them again later?

Butlins1 · 01/07/2015 12:46

I have a ds with autism and understand the needing to keep to routine BUT the more ridgid you stick to the routine the harder it can be to get him to accept different situations.
In your place I would take him - if he gets upset at the house take him for a short drive in the car to nap or for a walk in his pushchair. My ds has coped well in many situations I though he wouldn't and it has been really good for him............
My plan is to try and attend things, go prepared (toys snacks etc) but to have an exit plan in case things don't go well. I find people are more understanding if you make an effort to attend even if you end up having to leave early.

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