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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To Miss This Because My Child Needs a Nap?

95 replies

DimpleHands · 30/06/2015 21:30

SiL is christening her baby soon. It is a late morning service followed by lunch at their house. They live about 1.5 hours away from us.

DS (2.6) still naps between 1-3pm, so I have said I won't go as I will stay at home to look after him but DH will of course go.

This hasn't gone down very well - they said DS could sleep in their house and have asked me to reconsider. I think part of the issue is that SiL thinks I don't see enough of them generally.

The thing is I doubt DS WILL sleep in a strange place (I don't even know if there will be a cot for him) and as lunch is in the garden I wouldn't be able to hear him on a monitor. He just looks so sad when he is tired and gets upset - it seems so unfair to break his routine. He also has autism so doesn't really understand things very well - i.e. he wouldn't understand if I told him we would be out in the garden/that we could go home soon.

AIBU? Should I go and just hope that DS will sleep/put up with the fact that he will get upset because he is tired?

OP posts:
Lindy2 · 30/06/2015 22:03

Would you be able to go to the ceremony and then go off somewhere quiet for your son to fall asleep ie a walk somewhere quiet with him in the buggy to get him to sleep or a drive in the car? Once he was asleep you could then return to the rest of the event, providing of course that there would be somewhere safe and quiet where your son could stay asleep.

Love51 · 30/06/2015 22:06

Or don't frame your response at all - let DH do it.
What is his take on the situation? Is he likely to present a united front to his family?

squiggleirl · 30/06/2015 22:08

I think it depends......

If you are planning on not attending because your DSs nap would be disrupted, then YABU.

If you are planning on not attending because your DSs autism would cause him to have a response to the change in routine that would be different to a child without autism, then YANBU.

If you decide that its the second option, when explaining this to your ILs, I think you need to not make this about his nap, but rather about his needs that are specifically related to his autism.

The baby being christened is your niece/nephew. If at all possible I would be seen to be making every effort to attend.

DixieNormas · 30/06/2015 22:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheXxed · 30/06/2015 22:10

I would tell your SIL to read up on autism, instead of understanding the difficulties that arise with raising an ASD toddler she is pilling pressure on you.

LibrariesGaveUsPower · 30/06/2015 22:13

Absolutely Love51. I had intended that last para to be second person plural (hence 'your family'), but I didn't make it very clear. Blush

TinyTearsFirstLove · 30/06/2015 22:13

I've never understood the whole 'must nap in own bed' thing.
However, the autism diagnosis puts a different perspective on it. Does your SIL know your son is autistic? Perhaps she doesn't understand the adjustments you have to make?

Original poster
DimpleHands · 30/06/2015 22:15

choccywoccywoowah - It's not that DS doesn't understand "everything" I say. It's that he understands practically nothing of what I say. I suppose that is why I make extra allowances for him. It must be very confusing being autistic and I want to make his life as easy and happy and unconfusing as I possibly can.

OP posts:
saoirse31 · 30/06/2015 22:16

Have no experience of autism but would try and attend if possible, given that its an important family occasion and presumably he'll attend similar in future so would it be useful to attend this one maybe? you know him best tho and how he'll react so maybe it's stupid question.

good luck whatever u decide.

Original poster
DimpleHands · 30/06/2015 22:20

Thank you TheXxed - I appreciate you saying that. I think part of the problem is that she never has tried to help us out or offer any support or kindness - and we had some very dark days around diagnosis last year. I've never quite forgiven her for it. It makes me feel even more like I don't want to make DS unhappy just to keep her happy, if you see what I mean.

OP posts:
GiddyOnZackHunt · 30/06/2015 22:21

Does he sleep in the car? Could you have a practice? Go somewhere this weekend and see if he can cope with a combination of car sleeps and pushchair. If it's horrific then you both know you're best staying home while dh goes.

0x530x610x750x630x79 · 30/06/2015 22:25

The fact he has a diagnoses at 2.5 means it is quite a severe case i presume, so YANBU at all.
The worst that could happen hurricane in the front room :)

TheXxed · 30/06/2015 22:28

Simply its part of the territory I am afraid, I am NC with a few family members who imitated DS flapping his arms and squealing. They apologised but the damage has been done.

To be honest as soon as I read the OP I questioned your SIL motives, if you know a child has ASD and the disruption would upset him why would you press the issue?

TheXxed · 30/06/2015 22:29

I meant Dimple not simplyBlush

BarbarianMum · 30/06/2015 22:30

I think that if there is a fair chance he'll sleep in his buggy, or failing that the car, then you should strongly consider going. But if you know deep down that its likely to be very stressful for you, or distressing for him, then just don't go.

Autism changes things. Your family will need to come to terms with that. Wouldn't be a bad thing if more people on here realised it too.

Nydj · 30/06/2015 22:33

Yanquis, do what you think is best for your child. I know what it's like to have a child on the autistic spectrum and to face lack of understanding and empathy from family and it can really bring you down so good luck and have some Flowers.

Nydj · 30/06/2015 22:34

Yanquis?!! Sorry, that was because I didn't check what autocorrect had changed it to. It was supposed to be Yanbu.

Happfeet2911 · 30/06/2015 22:36

Before he takes over your life entirely try and make him fit in with your plans and not let everything revolve around him. Children are far more adaptable than you think. YABU - just go and let the child adapt!

Clobbered · 30/06/2015 22:37

I don't think you are being unreasonable, just realistic. Will they be happy to have a distressed toddler around during / after the service? Personally I wouldn't put myself and my child out for someone who had previously behaved badly towards me. I don't have a great relationship with my in-laws and we see little of them, but I maintain civil interactions with them - that's about all from my side. Does it bother me? Nope.

GGabcd · 30/06/2015 22:39

As a mother with an autistic child I say, don't go.

If anyone objects, link them to The National Autistic Society and suggest they read up.

DixieNormas · 30/06/2015 22:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BathshebaDarkstone · 30/06/2015 22:44

YABU. Take him and put him down for a nap in the buggy.

morelikeguidelines · 30/06/2015 22:45

Yanbu because of his autism, although I am not an expert. Generally I would say yabu but for this.

Might it help him in the long run though to get used to little changes?

YouPooPooBumBum · 30/06/2015 22:47

If my SIL had a child with autism and I knew it would cause this much hassle (I am guessing your SIL would know this) I would have booked the christening for a suitable time in the first place.

DixieNormas · 30/06/2015 22:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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