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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To Miss This Because My Child Needs a Nap?

95 replies

DimpleHands · 30/06/2015 21:30

SiL is christening her baby soon. It is a late morning service followed by lunch at their house. They live about 1.5 hours away from us.

DS (2.6) still naps between 1-3pm, so I have said I won't go as I will stay at home to look after him but DH will of course go.

This hasn't gone down very well - they said DS could sleep in their house and have asked me to reconsider. I think part of the issue is that SiL thinks I don't see enough of them generally.

The thing is I doubt DS WILL sleep in a strange place (I don't even know if there will be a cot for him) and as lunch is in the garden I wouldn't be able to hear him on a monitor. He just looks so sad when he is tired and gets upset - it seems so unfair to break his routine. He also has autism so doesn't really understand things very well - i.e. he wouldn't understand if I told him we would be out in the garden/that we could go home soon.

AIBU? Should I go and just hope that DS will sleep/put up with the fact that he will get upset because he is tired?

OP posts:

woowoo22 · 30/06/2015 21:41

YANBU, given his need for routine etc. Wouldn't think otherwise. If there are any solutions such as a monitor etc then I'd go but if not YANBU.

TheHormonalHooker · 30/06/2015 21:42

Do you stay in everyday between 1-3?

TheXxed · 30/06/2015 21:43

My DS got his primary diagnosis at 23 months at his 90 minute developmental assessment with a paediatrician. He has a referral for a formal assessment late next month.

The wheels were in motion at 11 months when he wouldn't respond to his name, so he had an audiology assessment (perfect hearing), then developmental assessment, speech and language assessment and now just waiting for his formal diagnosis.

PuppyMonkey · 30/06/2015 21:44

Go and see how he copes, he might surprise you. And you can always take him off for a drive or walk if things get hairy.

polkadotsrock · 30/06/2015 21:44

Agree that this is U. And perhaps your SIL has a point about not seeing them enough, maybe this time you should make the effort, it clearly means a lot to them.

5madthings · 30/06/2015 21:44

I think people need to stop with the precious and ridiculous comments etc. This is not just about a toddler missing a nap, the autism and the knock on effects of him being overtired, in a place he doesn't know well and a potentially large group of people could put this little boy under a lot of stress.

I can understand the family being upset but compromise is needed, perhaps just goung to the service then home or will he sleep in the car or buggy op?

DixieNormas · 30/06/2015 21:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

makeminea6x · 30/06/2015 21:46

Hmmm a lot of judging here but it is AIBU. My children are, so far as I know, NT. Nap skipping can still have a knock on effect for days. By which I mean the night following will have a prolonged and difficult bedtime, then multiple wake ups, then an early morning following, then overtired for nap and so on and til it falls back into place. I'm aware that this is not the case for many children.

I have 2 children and it does not cause me a problem to be somewhere I can put my youngest in a cot to sleep most afternoons.

polkadotsrock · 30/06/2015 21:46

Perhaps as pp says it's a good plan to just go to service, then you'll be back around nap time anyway

mikado1 · 30/06/2015 21:48

My SIL came to my ds' christening with her little 3yo ds prior to autism dx. He had a massive meltdown after the ceremony and she and her family had to leave. She was so disappointed but we understood completely. Yanbu, once your dh goes your family are represented. Your sil should understand imo.

midnightvelvetPart2 · 30/06/2015 21:48

Are you able to attend until 1 then coincide the nap time with the journey home?

Original poster

DimpleHands · 30/06/2015 21:50

Bettyboophead - Yes, he actually got diagnosed at 18 months.

*Reignbeau" - Yes, he might fall asleep in his buggy - it's a possibility.

5madthings - Yes, he would very probably fall asleep in the car so I suppose I could go to the ceremony and then if he doesn't sleep drive him home. That would leave DH rather stranded though - although perhaps there is a train he could catch back. And 3 hours in a car to attend a 45 min service seems a bit much?

I had no idea I would be called rude and ridiculously precious ! I would hate not to be allowed to sleep when I am very tired, especially if I didn't understand the reasons why. It's a bit like not giving a hungry child food isn't it? I just don't think it's really fair on him...

OP posts:

PicaK · 30/06/2015 21:51

People without sen kids do not have a clue what they are talking about. It obviously will affect him badly.
Your inlaws don't get that and prob won't ever get that. Do not look to them for understanding. Pick your battles. You should have said of course and then sadly he would have thrown up the night before....
Make a choice. Do you push him out of his comfort zone/happy place - is it worth it? You know you will pick up the brunt afterwards - which they won't see.
Me - I would go. Because it means so much to them. I'm not altogether sure that I'm a good parent in situations like this though.

manicinsomniac · 30/06/2015 21:51

Was going to say YABVU until I saw your son has autism.

You need to do what you need to do to make life work for you and your son.

I'd say do everything possible to try and be there. But if you can't you can't/

DoJo · 30/06/2015 21:52

I think perhaps people are underestimating the potential impact on you as well - I have no experience of it, but I imagine that looking after an autistic toddler must be exhausting and so you probably look to preserve the routines that you know work for your own sanity as much as his. If missing his nap could throw him off-kilter for days, during which you would have to deal with the fall-out, then I think explaining that to them and asking if you could make an arrangement to spend some time with them at an occasion that would be less overwhelming for your son might be an idea. If they really want to see more of you, then surely that would be a good compromise.

DuploElephant · 30/06/2015 21:52

My DS was diagnosed with ASD at 2.5. I am not sure if YABU, I think only you know the knock on effects of your DS missing a nap and whether you can deal with that. I would make every effort to attend if it were me, but then my DS's sleep is all over the place.

NobodyLivesHere · 30/06/2015 21:53

We went on holiday when my 3rd was just turned 2 thinking nothing of it, we had to come home after 3 days as she refused to sleep anywhere that wasn't her own cot. Yanbu

PtolemysNeedle · 30/06/2015 21:53

I think it's worth trying to go if you can find a way to not make it too awful. Your family will remember it if you don't go, but if you do then your I ll be doing a positive thing for your ds's relationships with his wider family. It seems really sad for your little family not to be part of a big family occasion.

Fairylea · 30/06/2015 21:54

Wow. Of course you can get an autism diagnosis that young! My son is now 3 and has been undergoing assessment and diagnosis for autism since he was 2. He is also very inflexible when it comes to his routine and has always napped 1-3 every day in his own room in the dark. If he doesn't have this nap he is an absolute nightmare for the rest of the day and the following days. We don't have days out and don't visit family during those times.

Yanbu. The autism thing makes a huge difference and I don't think people "get it". When claiming dla for our son one of the main things that the decision maker looked at was his rigid routine and his need for his daily nap and the impact this has on us as a family.

Rainicorn · 30/06/2015 21:54

I don't think you're being precious at all. If he didn't have ASD I'd have said you were, but the ASD is the main thing. I have a child with autism, and at that age I wouldn't take him to celebrations, I left him with DH when my cousins DD got christened,methinks he was going through his dx at the time.

And it is totally possible to get an and dx at 2.6, my DS2 got his at that age. It depends on how they present at their 2 year check, if you voice your concerns enough, if the HV/GP pick up on things etc, so please don't practically call troll because you're not aware.

Eminado · 30/06/2015 21:56

I dont know enough about autism to comment on that aspect so i will say that you know your child best.

However i would say try to address your sil's comments that they dont see you enough as it sounds like she is hurt rather than deliberately dismissive of your concerns.

NobodyLivesHere · 30/06/2015 21:57

My youngest also has asd. And yes until that holiday we were at home every day at nap time.

bialystockandbloom · 30/06/2015 21:57

Did any of the posters instantly screaming how "precious" the OP is actually see the bit about autism? Jeez.

And all the other posters questioning your ds's diagnosis of autism "so young" are, of course, developmental paediatricians, I assume

OP I think it depends how you think it would affect him not having a nap (combined with unfamiliar environment, change to the norm etc). It's hard to know probably, but do you think (from experience) that he would find it too difficult and the whole day would be a nightmare for him, and you?

If it's a change you think he might actually cope with, I'd probably go. It might even be helpful for your SIL and other family to actually see how life is for you all, help them understand a bit more.

Could you try using some visuals to help prepare him? Eg photos of SIL and family, their house etc?

Or could you also time it so he can sleep in the car on the way/way back?

LibrariesGaveUsPower · 30/06/2015 21:57

I had no idea I would be called rude and ridiculously precious confused! I would hate not to be allowed to sleep when I am very tired, especially if I didn't understand the reasons why. It's a bit like not giving a hungry child food isn't it? I just don't think it's really fair on him...

Your son has autism, so obviously it is very different and may cause him significant distress. If it is his disabilities causing you to be so cautious, absolutely, you are the one who understands that and the impact on him.

But normally children do have to learn that the world doesn't revolve around them. Yes, they have to stay awake for a bit when tired. Or sleep somewhere they don't normally sleep. No one is suggesting he wouldn't be allowed to sleep. Just that he might need to be flexible about when and where. Especially when it is something which is very important to someone else. Children also have to learn to wait for food to some degree. They are not the only member of the family. DS is my third, he was turfed out of naps, woken to eat, etc from about two days old. It's just how it is. Other people have needs which matter.

And I think this is probably where you are getting the strength of response from your family. You are talking as if it would be totally normal and reasonable to do this with an NT 2.5 year old. And to most people, no, it wouldn't. I think you need to frame your concerns more about your child's specific health needs, and less as if it's what everyone would do

bialystockandbloom · 30/06/2015 22:00

Sorry x-posted there, some of my suggestions already been made!

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