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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think its rude to spring a 'big family event' on us with 10 days notice

100 replies

ZenNudist · 30/06/2015 18:46

MIL one.

She's got form for this. Today I get a text asking if we are free on 11th. I text back no.

I also emailed dh and told him why. My haircut is overdue and have appointment. We are also seeing friends on 12th it's been booked a month so won't be able to drive the 2h to ILs and stay for weekend as we would do usually. I also have a rare night out on the 10th.

Turns out it's a big wedding anniversary party (big number) involving marquee and caterers and whole family attending. This in all likelihood has been thrown together reasonably last minute. Last we heard she was 'thinking' of doing something. She didn't give me a date or say what. She didn't even tell me to save a particular weekend. She claims she told dh but has form for lying about this kind of thing. She won't have been specific until now, with 10 days notice.

I'm thinking dh and dc go up and back on 10th/11th and I do my weekend as planned. I'd be sorry to miss party but I need a haircut in time for important meeting the following week.

Dh reckons everyone on MN will say family party more important. I think there's a lot of people who think late notice for a big party is rude .

WIBU to not go?

(Dons hard hat/ flame proof suit etc. I never dare venture on Aibu and I'm off out now... Gulp!)

OP posts:

Narnia72 · 30/06/2015 21:24

Them not em

SurlyCue · 30/06/2015 21:24

I reckon if dh had actually replied to her when she floated the 11th earlier today she would have booked it for a different weekend. He's really bad at handling her.

Do you mean if DH had replied saying "sorry, cant do 11th" she would have booked another weekend? In which case you would have expected her and every other guest to change their plans at what you believe to be such short notice?

Or do you mean if he had replied "yes we can come" then she would have changed it out of awkwardness so you couldnt come?

Tbh the fact you mention him replying and the date possibly changing based on his response implies it isnt much of a summons at all.

PHANTOMnamechanger · 30/06/2015 21:32

Even if it was actually possible to fit this in, around everything else, I would not want to. Once you have done that once you are making a rod for your own back and will be expected to accommodate other peoples wishes. For our family, a weekend that already involved a rare night out, hair cut, and seeing friends on the sunday, is NOT one we also would want to squeeze a long trip into. There would be normal everyday housework and the DC homework to fit in, as well as maybe food shopping/prep for the friends coming.

Hygge · 30/06/2015 21:36

YANBU, you already have a lot of plans for that weekend, a good reason for needing to stick to your arrangements, and this is short notice.

You've offered the compromise of DH and children going without you.

I don't see a problem. Would they be back in time for the plans you already have made for the 12th? And can you rely on DH to leave on time and get back for them, or is he likely to be persuaded to 'just stay a little bit longer' and leave you and the friends hanging about waiting for him?

BlueEyedPersephone · 30/06/2015 21:42

Yanbu she has done it on purpose, let the others go and enjoy your weekend

Momagain1 · 30/06/2015 21:49

It isnt just a haircat. It is a haircut (needed for work appearances) sandwiched between two different plans withother people. It's 3 things, one of which isnt happening for the fun of it.

She is too late. Any one of those might be cancelled or rescheduled, even the hair cut. But cancelling multiple plans is a bit much.

SurlyCue · 30/06/2015 21:57

If you ask around on FB local selling pages for recommendations you can get decent hairdressers to come to your house with a couple of days notice. If you want to. You dont have to want to.

BabyFeets · 30/06/2015 22:00

Well because I never have anything to do I will say yabu and 10days is fine.
For a busy person I suppose it is unreasonable notice

SurlyCue · 30/06/2015 22:04

Yes i agree babyfeets for some 10 days will be fine. For others not enough. It just depends on the person doesnt it? I could easily have 6 weekends in a row with nothing to do and could be ready to jump in the car at a moments notice for this type of thing. But then other times (like the summer) i have birthday after christening after wedding to attend. I still dont think 10 days notice is rude though. Its either possible to attend or it isnt.

BathshebaDarkstone · 30/06/2015 22:06

YANBU! 10 fucking days? I'd tell her to get to fuck.

TinyTearsFirstLove · 30/06/2015 22:08

I don't think she's rude but she can't be disappointed if you can't make it with only just over a week's notice.

Original poster

ZenNudist · 30/06/2015 22:08

Sorry if my last comment caused confusion. I got an 'are you free on this date" IM THIS morning which I couldn't reply to at work but I did email dh to say to speak to her ASAP but he didn't til 4.30 today by which time the 11th was the set date. It's still short notice but we might have swung a different date if he had replied this morning rather than this afternoon. I might be wrong about that, perhaps she was gearing up for one of her 'but I already asked you under my breath while you were asleep'

OP posts:

fiorentina · 30/06/2015 22:09

I wouldn't go. If you husband and children can go then that's great, but you shouldn't drop all plans if they haven't told you until now.

Enjoy your weekend!

Sparkletastic · 30/06/2015 22:12

Yanbu - I wouldn't go. MIL tries this shit on all the time. Cannot comprehend that we have a very busy social life. Luckily DH stands up to her. She puts the phone down on him. Managing expectations down makes for a quieter life

ArcheryAnnie · 30/06/2015 22:27

If you've already made plans with other people, those plans have to be honoured first.

Your MIL will have to do without you all.

maddy68 · 30/06/2015 22:33

I always plan last minute. I hate te endless planning of occasions. So I'm much like your mil.

Seriously you wouldn't go because you have a hair appointment?

I think that's odd
Rearrange your hair , you can still do all your other plans or simply don't go. Your choice.
Personally I think she hasn't done anything wrong

Floisme · 30/06/2015 22:56

FIL not to blame because he wouldn't organise a party full stop and is likely celebrating only to please MIL.

Why is he not equally to blame? By the sound of it he's doing bugger all and leaving everything to her but this is still his anniversary as much as hers. He's agreed to have a party and agreed to the date. This is his responsibility too.

I can see that it's inconvenient and I'm not one of those saying you should go. But two people have caused this mess - in fact three if you count your husband not responding quickly enough. So why is it only the mother in law copping for it?

JassyRadlett · 30/06/2015 23:17

I always plan last minute. I hate te endless planning of occasions. So I'm much like your mil.

Do you get cranky if other people can't fit in with your plans? If not, then whatever floats your boat.

Inertia · 30/06/2015 23:43

YANBU. You told her you had plans, she arranged it anyway.

PiperChapstick · 01/07/2015 00:33

YANBU. I think it's rude to do this too! Enjoy a weekend to yourself!

highkickindandy · 01/07/2015 03:18

I wouldn't go - on the basis that if someone really wanted me to attend and knew it was a 4 hour round trip, they'd give me more notice. With short notice I'd assume they weren't too bothered about me going, or it was some kind of power thing expecting me to drop everything to accomodate them, and since it's not the first time it 's happened, I would stop playing that game - never mind a hair cut, I wouldn't go if I was just planning a hair wash !

On the other hand, if she's well meaning but just a bit scatty and disorganized, she could learn from this and plan better in the future.

ApocalypseThen · 01/07/2015 03:49

she could learn from this and plan better in the future

Yes, her anniversary party is the ideal time to show her who's boss and teach the old wagon a lesson.

Seriously, I say don't bother going. It hardly sounds like you'd be there to make the party go with a bang if you were. But this idea that someone else's anniversary is the ideal opportunity to make a point about your expectation that they should plan all events to a timeline that suits you is not one to adopt. Go, don't go, whatever. But do whichever you do with grace rather than petulance and accept that their party is not about you.

highkickindandy · 01/07/2015 05:14

I didn't mean it in a teach her a lesson way, sorry if it came across like that. I meant if she is genuinely well meaning and will be disappointed if people can't go due to lack of notice, it is useful to learn from the experience and to be aware that people who have to travel any distance, have kids doing exams, sports etc need more notice in future.

MissBattleaxe · 01/07/2015 10:26

Aibu bingo "one day she'll be dead" - not for a good long time I hope and in the meantime if like it if we could avoid this kind of BS every time she throws a party. I have lost count if the number of otherwise nice events dh have attended with our smiles fixed in place and privately complained about the way it's been forced on us with no notice and maximum fuss.

So you haven't liked going in the past, you don't want to go now and you don't fancy it in the future.

Even if your MIL doesn't give enough notice, I am starting to feel a bit sorry for her.

I also think it might be a generation thing. Years ago, people weren't as busy or pressured as they are now and didn't need months of notice for a family get together. I don't think she's doing this just to piss you off. Either go or don't go.

CruCru · 01/07/2015 13:24

What have you decided OP?

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