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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think its rude to spring a 'big family event' on us with 10 days notice

100 replies

ZenNudist · 30/06/2015 18:46

MIL one.

She's got form for this. Today I get a text asking if we are free on 11th. I text back no.

I also emailed dh and told him why. My haircut is overdue and have appointment. We are also seeing friends on 12th it's been booked a month so won't be able to drive the 2h to ILs and stay for weekend as we would do usually. I also have a rare night out on the 10th.

Turns out it's a big wedding anniversary party (big number) involving marquee and caterers and whole family attending. This in all likelihood has been thrown together reasonably last minute. Last we heard she was 'thinking' of doing something. She didn't give me a date or say what. She didn't even tell me to save a particular weekend. She claims she told dh but has form for lying about this kind of thing. She won't have been specific until now, with 10 days notice.

I'm thinking dh and dc go up and back on 10th/11th and I do my weekend as planned. I'd be sorry to miss party but I need a haircut in time for important meeting the following week.

Dh reckons everyone on MN will say family party more important. I think there's a lot of people who think late notice for a big party is rude Confused.

WIBU to not go?

(Dons hard hat/ flame proof suit etc. I never dare venture on Aibu and I'm off out now... Gulp!)

OP posts:
HumphreyCobbler · 30/06/2015 19:47

10 days IS short notice. I have things in my diary for the rest of the year. It is ok to plan things at short notice if you are willing to realise that not everyone will be able to come.

I would be annoyed at being put in that position.

fredfredgeorgejnr · 30/06/2015 19:51

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annandale · 30/06/2015 19:54

I would have a rant to dh, but I'm afraid I would go in these exact circs. I don't think you'd be particularly u not to though. I'd be kicking myself I hadn't booked the friends for the 11th, as you certainly shouldn't cancel them for anything else. You've got ten days to sort the haircut out, and could you go out on the Thursday instead?

I don't think it's rude to fix things at short notice but it sure is inconvenient.

Inform dh that he is doing all the prep (card, present, rearranging your haircut, clean clothes for the kids) and you expect just to step into the car on the day.

Stitchintime1 · 30/06/2015 19:54

I can see it's an annoying but a haircut!

WayneRooneysHair · 30/06/2015 20:00

It's a tough one, if it was my wife's mum she'd want to go and if it was my mum she might go.

If it was the other way round what would you do?

BackforGood · 30/06/2015 20:10

If I were doing something else, then I'd say 'tough' as, if people really want you at a do, then they need to give enough notice, but I wouldn't 'not go' for a hair appointment for goodness sake. Call the hairdressers and rearrange!

gointothewoods · 30/06/2015 20:21

It's family.
Do your night out on Friday. Get the haircut early on Saturday or another time, drive to party, stay over, drive back the next morning to meet friends.
Simple

Tryingtokeepalidonit · 30/06/2015 20:28

Surely you were aware this was a big anniversary? Wasn't DH planning on marking it some way? Seems odd you had not already factored this date into your plans.

oneowlgirl · 30/06/2015 20:33

I'd let your DH go alone as I'd assume I wasn't actually wanted with short notice such as that. I reckon you've probably accommodated things at short notice in the past which is why she checks dates with others & then tells you guys when things are happening.

That wouldn't happen at all with me as generally weekends are full for months ahead, so anything with friends or family have to be planned well in advance! [And I haven't managed to fit a haircut in in such a long time I'm about 3 months overdue, so the haircut alone would be enough to make me say no, never mind the other things that are already planned!].

LindyHemming · 30/06/2015 20:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
ZenNudist · 30/06/2015 20:37

Right I've been called a troll - I really am in Aibu. Search my history. I'm really not!

FIL not to blame because he wouldn't organise a party full stop and is likely celebrating only to please MIL.

No question of my folks pulling this kind of stunt because they plan things in advance. For something like this it would be well organised and also it wouldn't be a big garden party, more buffet and champagne smaller style.

To repeat I do love dh family but don't like this hoopla as it's every time and always presented as fait accompli. It's just MIL, she is hard work, controlling sort.

I'm happy for dh to go with dc but know I will feel bad, so probably won't. We will do a turn up Saturday pm, stay over, leave Sunday at 9am to get back to friends for lunch. Incidentally ruining my lie in. I suppose i could cancel Friday night out as well so I could get lie in Saturday. Dh won't let me stick around for dc gym lessons either so that's another thing missed.

If it were planned we could have gone up Friday night, helped set up on Saturday and left Sunday eve.

It's the whole "had you forgotten" comments to dh that grate when he had so not been told.

OP posts:
Original poster
ZenNudist · 30/06/2015 20:40

Oh and to the 'surely you knew it was big anniversary' I leave that to dh to sort, just as I don't expect him to sort out cards presents or events with my family . Who also I wouldn't do more than cards plus flowers for mum for same event as they aren't hugh maintenance.

I really object to having to maintain dh family commitments as well as my own. It's a fifties throwback as far as I'm concerned.

OP posts:
oneowlgirl · 30/06/2015 20:41

I recognise your username Zen Grin

I think at some point you need to make a stand & not go, as otherwise it will always be the same & you'll continue to have things sprung on you!

PHANTOMnamechanger · 30/06/2015 20:42

I think 10 days notice of anything this major bar a funeral, obviously, is rude and smacks of being 'summoned' rather than invited. Will she strop/sulk if you don't go? Might it make her think of giving more notice next time?

MIL is a bit like this. To be fair, i don't think she means it to come over badly, she just gets excited about her plans and wants us to do whatever her latest idea is be it family picnic or xmas party. The best was when she told us she wanted to treat us all to a holiday in a big house together the following year, and within a couple of days had booked it without consulting ANY of her DC about dates/availability! Luckily we could all make it on that occasion, but we may have had weddings booked in, or not been able to book the time off if other colleagues had already booked it.

JassyRadlett · 30/06/2015 20:45

Some people just don't do anniversaries. My parents don't. It's their 40th next year; they might go out for a meal. Maybe.

For me an anniversary is about DH and me. I don't expect anyone else to notice or remember, and being honest I get a tiny but weirded out when PILs send a card. I know they are doing it to be lovely - it's just not how I see anniversaries.

And yes. 10 days is short notice if you are going to make a fuss if people don't attend your event because they have other commitments. If you honestly don't mind, grand,

SolidGoldBrass · 30/06/2015 20:47

Will those of you sneering at the OP's haircut RTFT and/or get over yourselves? It's not just a haircut. This summons is fucking up her whole, pre-planned weekend - I imagine the actual anniversary is during the week so technically PIL could have booked a party either the weekend before or the weekend after.

OP, I sympathise. Even though I cut my own hair with kitchen scissors, I would be narky about the rest of the hassle. Also, the friends you have arranged to see on 12th - they matter. Why should they miss out because your self-obsessed MIL wants to jerk you around.

MissBattleaxe · 30/06/2015 20:49

I really object to having to maintain dh family commitments as well as my own. It's a fifties throwback as far as I'm concerned. that doesn't sound very two-way. When I married DH I treated his family events as I would expect him to treat mine.

Personally I think YABU. Either send DH and say you couldn't change your plans in time, or squeeze it in. You're being a bit snide about your PILs i.e your parents would have champagne and a buffet etc.

Yes your MIL should have given you more notice but seriously-pick your battles. She'll be dead one day and it's family events that leave the memories behind.

It's a big anniversary, it's a family event. Suck it up or send DH with your apologies.

peggyundercrackers · 30/06/2015 20:58

It's just a haircut. I'm the same as pp we both know when each other family birthdays/anniversaries are - as other have said it sounds like you don't really want to go. You have aid you think your MIl is controlling sort and is difficult. Just admit you don't like her and you don't want to go instead of making excuses.

SurlyCue · 30/06/2015 21:00

This summons is fucking up her whole, pre-planned weekend

How is it? She can still go out friday night, get her hair done saturday and head to MiL's after then come home sunday to meet with her friends as planned. The only thing i can see she is cancelling is her lie in on sunday. Which of course is disappointing if youre looking forward too it but some weekends end up being busier than others and you juggle. If however the issue is that OP doesnt want to go then she has every right to just not go and to say so.

JassyRadlett · 30/06/2015 21:03

It's just a haircut. I'm the same as pp we both know when each other family birthdays/anniversaries are - as other have said it sounds like you don't really want to go.

So if a birthday or anniversary falls midweek, is she meant to keep all the surrounding weekends clear on the off chance there'll be some sort of do? When does the block off the calendar?

Fleecyleesy · 30/06/2015 21:09

It was pretty bad form to spring such an important event on you like this.

However, I would get the haircut and then go straight over to MILs. You can easily do 2 hours each way the same day and keep your plans for the 10th and 12th. I wouldn't be happy about it but I would do it to keep family peace.

Chattymummyhere · 30/06/2015 21:11

Yanbu and I wouldn't go.

10 days is short notice, even if I didn't have plans I would be miffed that only 10 days before was I told.

WinterOfOurDiscountTents15 · 30/06/2015 21:14

What an odd attitude!
Someone invites you to an event. You choose to accept or decline.

Where is the "rudeness"? It's not rude to invite you to a party, ffs. And a haircut is a lame excuse, just admit that you don't want to.

Seriously, in MN-land everything is rude. It's an obsession, trying to find it in everything.

Original poster
ZenNudist · 30/06/2015 21:15

I could go out Friday but I wouldn't want to have a big night out. I definitely can't get my hair cut at the same time as attending a garden party 100+ miles away. I can go to friends on Sunday but it's too much driving to do in one day with 2 small dc. The only real option is 'drop everything because MIL cba to plan far enough in advance.

Aibu bingo "one day she'll be dead" - not for a good long time I hope and in the meantime if like it if we could avoid this kind of BS every time she throws a party. I have lost count if the number of otherwise nice events dh have attended with our smiles fixed in place and privately complained about the way it's been forced on us with no notice and maximum fuss.

You have no idea the palaver we have over nice gestures gone wrong, birthday cakes a speciality.

I pretty much got the replies I'd expect on this thread. Thank you for weighing in on this.

At the moment I'm thinking I will have to try and get another hair appointment in the next. 9 days Hmm really pissed. I reckon if dh had actually replied to her when she floated the 11th earlier today she would have booked it for a different weekend. He's really bad at handling her.

OP posts:
Narnia72 · 30/06/2015 21:23

I would be guilt tripping back. Dear MIL we love you and we really want to be there, so will try our utmost to rearrange plans. But this is the third time you've expected us to drop everything and attend a big family gathering at very short notice, and we lead such busy lives that it puts us in a very awkward position. Please can we ask that in future you let both of us know about possible dates as soon as you think about em, so we can keep dates free.