To think its rude to spring a 'big family event' on us with 10 days notice

[ZenNudist]

MIL one.

She's got form for this. Today I get a text asking if we are free on 11th. I text back no.

I also emailed dh and told him why. My haircut is overdue and have appointment. We are also seeing friends on 12th it's been booked a month so won't be able to drive the 2h to ILs and stay for weekend as we would do usually. I also have a rare night out on the 10th.

Turns out it's a big wedding anniversary party (big number) involving marquee and caterers and whole family attending. This in all likelihood has been thrown together reasonably last minute. Last we heard she was 'thinking' of doing something. She didn't give me a date or say what. She didn't even tell me to save a particular weekend. She claims she told dh but has form for lying about this kind of thing. She won't have been specific until now, with 10 days notice.

I'm thinking dh and dc go up and back on 10th/11th and I do my weekend as planned. I'd be sorry to miss party but I need a haircut in time for important meeting the following week.

Dh reckons everyone on MN will say family party more important. I think there's a lot of people who think late notice for a big party is rude .

WIBU to not go?

(Dons hard hat/ flame proof suit etc. I never dare venture on Aibu and I'm off out now... Gulp!)

I would go, as I think the long term fall out from not going would be worse. What happens the next time you need her to help you out with something?? Pick you battles, but this isn't the one.

YANBU. 10 days is ridiculous for a big event. Sod em all.

It's not just a haircut, though.

10th July, rare night out
12th July, haircut, yes, but also seeing friends - this having been booked with the friends a month ago.

And as the haircut is also to be ready for an important work meeting the following week, I definitely say to wave the DH/DCs off and get on with the weekend.

Yeah I know hair is a really lame reason not to go. My appointment last week was cancelled and rebooked. I do have an important work winning meeting which I can't go to with 2" roots and scraggy hair...

She's done this before for elderly relative big number last ever birthday, plus another big number- marquee / serving staff party. She doesn't tell dh and he doesn't think to nail her down to a date when dh floats an idea of something that 'might' happen. She must must be getting rest of family invited first, we just get summoned .

I dont see why having things on the 10th and 12th means she cant also go to something else on the 11th. It is ok to be honest and say you dont want to go you know!

Yanbu at all.
Does she give everyone such short notice?
If I got a late invite to something like this I'd wonder if they were secretly hoping I wouldn't come

well, You clearly don't want to go, but I think a haircut is a really mean reason not to go to a milestone family event.

you don't like your PILS do you?

I hate, hate, hate it when friends cancel plans because of last minute family/other events. Diaries are usually such a pain to align that I really look forward to it and it can take ages to rearrange.

And a haircut is a rare enough occurrence for me that I'd be loath to cancel one!

Your ILs are rude and presumptuous to assume you are permanently on call for them.

Stick to your plans. If it was a one off I might say see if you could rearrange the hair appointment but this is the third time she's sprung a family party on you at such short notice. She needs to accept that you can't always drop everything when given such little notice.

you don't like your PILS do you?

If her MIL does this sort of thing often, I don't blame OP if her patience has worn very thin.

YABU, go and be happy for them

Don't go. Not at all.

Everyone else gets fair notice, you get summoned? Fuck that.

How does this not piss off your DH too? Can't he see that what it says is 'Hah. You're still a little boy, you know. I'm in charge. I don't need to respect you as adults, you know.'

If it's a big do with a marquee, she booked it in advance. She should have told you. I would not go, not only because I had plans, but also precisely to send the message that it's not ok to do this, no you won't just get 'summoned', and if she does it again, she might lose out again.

Best way to stop it happening!

Oh, and as for 'sending DH and the kids, you stick to plans' - no. You're a family, you go as a family. Or not.

Well the marquee are owned by them and borrowed off friends. Caterers pretty much on speed dial as she's used them for loads of things over the years, serving staff always easy to rustle up random people to wait on. Family. I reckon she gets dates from them and we are expected to fall in line which is why she's so vague with us then suddenly it's something we were told about weeks/months ago.

I do actually like them and would like to see family but I feel like something has to give as it's so wearing to be lied to and jerked around.

I will try and line up hair somewhere else at extortionate cost and short notice. Then do up and back in same day on the 11th... Dh reckoned mn would all say I'm being vvvU, glad I know you better than he does!

It's not the haircut though is it? Even without that you would have 3 'big' dos 3 days on the trot and a 4hr round trip on the middle day (and it'll finish late, I'm assuming - no-one hires a marquee for a couple of hours in the afternoon).

She does this often? well then, maybe if you don't go she'll learn to give you more notice (bet she gave the marquee people more notice).

NB. I'm a horrid DIL

I think the problem is that the DH doesn't seem to think there's a problem. It's not his rare night out + dye and cut + plans made a month ago with friends that would be cancelled though.

Let DH and DCs go... Carry on with your prebooked plans... Make sure DH tells MIL that you already had arrangements that couldn't be cancelled at such short notice..it'll make her think twice next time... Particularly as there will probably a few others that she's invited who feel the same way... Think she's being rather silly and clearly seems to think that ever will drop everything just because it's her!

Sorry ... Meant "everyone "

Both events on 10th and 12th already planned before MIL texted.
Rude to drop those plans so it would be a "Sorry MIL" from me.

Well i do think you are being unreasonable but so is she. I would go for DH's sake and say to MIL. You must liase with me re social events then she can't say she told DH ages ago.

^^This! My in-laws have just had a similar function. It was in the diary for ages and they in fact checked out our availability before booking a date, because it was important for them to have us there.

I think your solution of dh/dc going is excellent and better than she could hope for in the circumstances.

I went to a friends birthday party recently. Large group & she had to arrange it a couple of months ahead. One of the group backed out last minute due to a last minute family event.

Birthday friend disappointed.

Yes it's rude and thoughtless but why is mother in law getting all the blame? If this a wedding anniversary then surely the father in law has been rude and thoughtless too?

I don't think 10 days is short notice. And you say she probably threw this together last minute. It's clear you don't really like her or want to go.

You don't think 10 days is short notice for a Saturday event? Do you have no social life???

Hair appointments are important to me.
Ten days notice for a big event is ridiculous my short notice. I wouldn't go.