to ask if you have had an unexpected pregnancy, and what the outcome was?

[FancyFrenchCake]

I am in this position. Thought my family was complete, and now this. I only found out yesterday, and my head is a whirlwind of thoughts. I suffer with hyperemesis during my pregnancies, and usually PND after having my babies.

So I wanted to know, if you have been in this situation, what did you do? What were your circumstances at the time (DC / finances / housing) and did they affect your decision? How many months/years on are you from this, and how do you feel about it now?

Apologies for all the questions, is just because my answer to them, is what is swaying my decision. I'm a regular and have NC for this.

First pregnancy - I was quite young, but still should have known better in terms of contraception. Took the MAP twice in one month. Second time it failed. I chose to have a termination at 8 weeks, it was a mixture of sadness and a weight off my shoulders. In hindsight, very glad I did it, home life became very difficult in the following years, I'm so glad I didn't have a child in the midst of it. Obviously, you can't tell what the future brings, but in my case it was certainly the right choice.

Second pregnancy - I missed a couple of pills, about 8 years after the above. Ha, think I would have learned right? Was in a far better personal position, my partner was very happy. I was not, but couldn't justify another termination (for myself, I have no judgement on others who have more than one). It ended in a mmc. I was heartbroken, felt so guilty about 'not wanting it', realised too late that it wasn't the case at all.

Current preganacy - well it wasn't unplanned! So doesn't count really, it's still scary though. We don't have a lot of money, a few things could be going better in terms of careers, but we're very happy and excited. I believe we have an instinct about these things, looking back my first two didn't seem 'right'. There is not right or wrong though, it's how you really feel about it that matters.

Im holding my 11 week old very unplanned baby as we speak. Certainly wasn't what i envisioned and ive had to give one or two things up but thinking of her not hear well thats unbearable.
Good luck with whatever you decide op x

Only you can make this decision based on your own personal circumstances - health, relationship, finances etc. it's so hard when a pregnancy is unexpected though and I can understand why you're seeking others' experiences.

My first was a surprise (won't happen to me!). For perhaps a day we felt like we had a decision to make but very quickly he became most wanted. He's 8 now and the best thing that could have happened to us.

Our third and last was a surprise (thought I should have already ovulated). He's 11 weeks now and we have no regrets because we totally adore him (and he's an easy baby which definitely helps!). Though despite an easy pregnancy, birth and baby I 'feel' it more at my age (late thirties), I also hated having to leave my job (I'm a teacher) to go on maternity leave, I worry about money, we've had to buy a bigger car and the paraphernalia (pram, cot, car seat, nappies etc) and having to cart a changing bag around everywhere drives me round the bend!

Good luck whatever you decide.

Ps my husband is having the snip next month so no more surprises!

I had a termination. DD was 18m, I had a very sick/HG pregnancy with her. Saw the pregnancy test and just immediately knew that I couldn't go through with the pregnancy then - partly because I wasn't emotionally/psychologically ready to be ill again, and partly because I felt I just couldn't do that to DD when she was so young. And then there were the finances, how to manage with two children that needed paid-for childcare and all that.

I feel fine with the decision. Sure, it rears its head every now and again and I think about it, but I knew from the very start that it was the right decision for us as a family at that time.

DD was herself unplanned (contraception doesn't seem to agree with me!) but again I had the gut feeling we wanted to keep the pregnancy, and again it was entirely the right thing to do.

No one else can make this decision for you. Just because some people have kept their pregnancy doesn't mean you have to; equally, just because other people have terminated in this situation doesn't mean you have to.

If AIBU starts getting a bit too robust, there's a Pregnancy Choice board full of lovely and supportive women if you want to repost

Take your time

I've had 2 unplanned pregnancies . First was DS4. He was a "would like to ttc again but it's not a sensible idea" baby so I was actually quite pleased. The only problem was other people's attitudes. Some people were very negative, especially when he was diagnosed with a cleft lip at the 20 week scan and then complex needs when he was born early.

DS5 was conceived when DS4 was only 4 months old. Huge shock and I was really scared. Even more negative reactions and I really didn't enjoy the pregnancy at all. DS4's birth was very traumatic so I was worried about a repeat of that too. DS5 was born 3 weeks early by crash C-section. We were both very poorly. I had sepsis and he narrowly escaped needing a ventilator. I had 4 other children at home, including a 12 month old who was like a very large newborn. I was in HDU on my own because DH was looking after the others. A year later I still have severe PND. However I also have 2 very lovely extra children. DS4 is cruising and DS5 is crawling. DS5's lovely smile and DS4's loud "hiya" kis incredibly cute.

Found out at 10 weeks in early December when I was 19, planned to travel for a termination in the first week in January and took as many hours as I could working over Christmas to be able to afford it. MC'd on December 23rd at work and collapsed in front of a store full of customers.

I was a student. I got a husband(in the 60s you got married), 3 children and currently planning 54th wedding anniversary. Life seems to sort itself out not perfect but what do you expect. Now we have a comfortable retirement. Nature has a way of making human life go on. Sometimes you just have to accept and adjust.

My second was unplanned and unexpected (bf, hadn't had a period) - found out around 7-8 weeks due to sickness. We had intended to stop at one child but I went ahead with the pregnancy and had DS. No regrets. I would not have gone ahead with a third, though, mainly due to age. If I were to get pregnant again I would terminate, and I don't think I would find it a hard decision. I don't want another child and I am too old for it to be safe or sensible. Existing family come first!

Yes I terminated, biggest mistake of my life and still paying for it as I can't conceive now 2 years later.

Dc's 3 and 4 were unplanned, ending the pregnancies never crossed my mind. DH was very quick to get the snip after dc4 was born though. I went back to work part time when dc4 was 6 month old and have always worked around my dh's hours so have never paid much for childcre. Four kids under & was exhausting, especially with me having to work nightshifts and weekends to make ends meet. I was lucky in that my dh is great with the kids and the housework etc. Now they mainly teenagers and everything is fine. The only issues we have is the cost of four kid is huge, particularly 2 teenage boys in men sized clothes and eating a lot. I do aknowledge that my career has stagnated as I have been part time for so many years and just can't take on extra responsibilities at work. I am now pushng 50 and youngest dc is only 9 so i know I'm never likely to get where i wnated to be career wise. However I'll never regret having my only gorgeous dd , I could not imagine life without her, i strongly believe some things are just meant to happen.

My younger sister was a surprise late baby resented by my father, in retrospect. She has quite severe mental health problems as an adult.

DC3 was also a shock baby, now a stroppy teenager. Much adored especially by her disabled older brother, BUT the strain it's put on DH in particular hasn't been easy. I'm fairly sure he doesn't her see this as in any way her 'fault', but who knows?

I hadn't realised till writing this quite how much history had repeated itself.

Yes: DS is now 10. I was 39, with a history of minor gynaecological issues but it was the one and only time I ever had unprotected sex. Well, two times in 24 hours I suppose. My thinking was along the lines of, my bits don't work, I'm in the safe week of my cycle, and don't forget, ladies, once you turn 35 your ovaries have withered.
I didn't find out till I was about 9 weeks. My immediate reaction was WOW I'M HAVING A BABY though up until about 4 months I wasn't sure the PG would continue. I lost my job when I was 20 weeks, DS' dad had initially been keen then bottled out and vanished (but reappeared about a fortnight before DS arrived and is now an excellent dad).

Yes, 6yrs ago.
dc1 (5) dc2 (6mths)
Post c section, finances - would have coped/housing - would have coped

Termination due to sickness in pregnancy, not feeling able to do it all again after dc's birth. Didn't want another.

Feel fine about it, was the best option for me. Glad I did what I did. I know some will find that hard to read, but I have zero regrets. I am sterilized now, so no plans to extend family.

That said, this was right for us, I had no idea what I would feel while waiting for the termination to happen, I could be sat here regretting it, you can't know. I did know, beyond a reasonable doubt, that I didn't want that baby.

We had years for fertility treatment for DD1 so to find out I was pregnant with DD2 after a some routine blood work was a surprise to say the least. DD1 had just turned 1 when we found out. It was a shock but an amazing one although financially things were v tight for a time. There was never any question about what to do.

I terminated an unplanned pregnancy in 2004. I gave birth to a very unplanned DS3 last November. I am at peace with both decisions.

In 2004 I was just not ready. With DS3, well... It was appalling timing. We'd both just started new jobs, were starting to get back on our feet after a few years of unemployment (DH) and studying (me) and financial near disaster. DS1 was 8 and DS2 was 5, we had not planned another child and were starting to enjoy the changes that meant we had a little more time and freedom now they were no longer babies. DS1 had been displaying some very challenging behaviour, we were considering asking for camhs involvement at the time. We had no local support network, having relocated, and we knew my family (DH never sees and barely has contact with his) would be very disapproving of us having another baby. DH actually wanted me to terminate the pregnancy. I got as far as making the consultation appointment with the local NHS provider, although in all honesty I doubt they'd have preformed the procedure as it was so very clearly not what I wanted- I cried so much during the phone call to make the appointment that twice they told me to take a break, get my composure back, etc. because I knew. I just knew. I'd had an unwanted pregnancy in the past, I knew the difference between a pregnancy I wanted to end and a pregnancy that might be damned inconvenient but which I was already thinking of as a baby. I thought I was going to have to terminate regardless of what I wanted as everything seemed to be pushing me relentlessly in that direction. I told DH that I didn't want to terminate but I would do if he wasn't on board with another child, that I wasn't going to try and change his mind but that I needed him to know how much I did not want to do it and that I was going to take a long, long time to recover from it. And a couple of days later he told me that if a baby would make me happy, he would be happy too.

And he is. We all are. DS 3 is sheer delight. I'm tired and the house is a tip and there is no time for anything and pregnancy nearly did for me this time round and I think DH is still in shock at the return to the baby years... But we're all so in love! And it all feels so right. The older boys adore and are adored by the baby. And I didn't get fired (horrid employer with form for doing just that) and DH is doing well in his job and my family, despite being weird as expected when we announced, are as fiercely in love with DS3 as with his brothers and ended up being very emotionally supportive. So I am glad glad glad I had this baby. More glad than I could put into words.

That said, OP, the right decision is whatever is right for you. I hope you have the love and support you deserve whatever choice you make. I hope you have peace. There is no 'good' or 'bad' choice. What matters is that the choice is yours.

Just came back on here, and seen all the responses. Thank you so much for being honest & sharing both outcomes with me.

slithytove -

I'm 6 weeks pregnant with number 3.

We gave up on a third after a miscarriage last year.

My Dad died on 14th May and I found out that I was pregnant on 14 June.

I'd got my head around that we were not having a third and it is hard daring to hope that it may be ok.

I'm not sure how I'll cope if it goes wrong.

I have two children, they are the light of my life, both were serendipitous.

The first when i was 19, condom failure, ended up with me being a single parent. Best thing that ever happened to me - turned me from a rebellous teenager with no real future to a mother, she was the reason i went to college/university etc. I would have had no reason to try without her.

DD2 aged 35 lazy contraception, such an irregular cycle that i honestly thought i was infertile. Huge impact on my life, if i am very honest, not all positive, but mostly VERY positive.

I adore both of my children and a termination was never a consideration, its just something i could never do.

I truly believe that both of my children were meant to be here.

If you are meant to have this baby, you will and you will be happy. If you aren't meant to then you wont, and you will be happy.

We had three lively and demanding boys, the youngest was nearly seven and I had gone back to work part-time. For the first time in years we were getting back on our feet. At nearly forty I found I was pregnant, we both panicked and had a dreadful Christmas discussing what to do. We decided to go through with it, and had to put up with people thinking we were "trying for a girl"! As it happens, we did have a girl, and she was, and still is, a joy. I can't bear to think she might not have been here. But every situation is different.

We found out we were expecting DC3 when I was 18 weeks pregnant. Obviously finding out so late (hmmm... explained a lot!) meant that we had no choices to make.

Dc3 was unexpected, 11 years after Dc1 and 9 years after dc 2.
For me it was the age gap that caused the biggest problems. Dealing with a very young child plus teenage angst was hard going. On the plus side, we didn't need three car seats but we did have to get a whole new lot of baby gear in as we had got rid of it all.

These two quotes from (different) PP's sums up my experience of unexplained pregnancy! Like gnome de plume my DH became a SAHP and my career took off - in the last 5 years since having ds3 I have got a new job and had 2 pay rises

I was so sure that having a termination was the choice we should go with. I'm very ill in pregnancy, I suffer badly after too. I am just starting to get into a routine that I'm happy with & my youngest starts school soon.

However, I'm beginning to doubt now. This is why I asked for opinions. TheoriginalLEM your last sentence is so wise, and so true. It's made me stop & think now though, are we meant to have this baby? I've reread the thread because of this, and am having a rethink.

Good luck. It's a huge decision, but I'm a firm believer that in these situations you always have this niggling little gut feeling which tells you the decision that you really want to make. And it sounds like you have yours.

I have a telephone appointment with Marie Stopes today, for my consultation to book in. I am feeling very mixed about it. No one in RL knows about this, and I intend to keep it quiet if we are going through with our appointments.

DH & I were discussing it last night, then we got news from my SIL that they are expecting too.

SIL will have the same pregnancy timeline as I would have had. I feel worried about how I will feel when my would be due date comes and goes, and their will still be a baby, just not ours. I know that probably sounds selfish ( I just want to state I am very happy for SIL, they deserve this baby and are a great family already)

Has anyone been in that situation? ^^

Ds1 was a surprise,he is now fifteen.

I got preg earlier this year, unplanned, it would have been number six, it was a shock and I was worried how we would cope but I miscarried so didn't have to decide. I can see now that it would have been mad to have had another, I would have had it though and am sad I miscarried but in reality it was for the best.

It's so hard, only you know what will be the right choice for you, I am 100% pro choice, take your time and do what is right for you xxx

How do you feel now French fancy ?

Why do you think you couldn't keep this pregnancy? Are they things that could be overcome?