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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think dh shouldn't be saying things like this to dd?

28 replies

PigletCrisps · 29/06/2015 23:27

she is only 8
he will say allsorts of judgemental stuff to her, for example at the weekend there was a man walking through town

he had a long cape type coat on, half blonde hair half black
and huge sunglasses

people were looking at him as he power walked along

dh turns to dd and says well dd thatis what is known as a weirdo....
Hmm wtf

I tried to explain about not judging books by their covers etc
but I can see his is inflicting his thoughts into her mind

she replied I thought he was a magician in fancy dress returning from a childrens party, where no one liked him[because he had a sad look on his face]

I personally want her to live and let live
not judge etc

other examples are when I was watching towie
I know its shit etc but comeon
he said well dd this a programme for thick people

it had just finished when they arrived home so she wasn't exposed to it

lots of other comments like dummys are just for shutting up babies etc
which she then repeats in front of others and I cringe

OP posts:
CalleighDoodle · 29/06/2015 23:29

He shouldnt be saying them at all. Tell him if he hasnt got anything nice to say, shut the fuck up, or something like that...

Glitoris · 29/06/2015 23:35

If you're going to teach her to accept others for being the way they are,then perhaps start by accepting her father for how he is.

Her comment back to him about the guy in the coat makes me think she already does ....she heard what he said,but still came up with her own theory of him being a magician.I don't think she is accepting everything her Dad says as Gospel by the sound of that.

My bet is that she's more likely to end up rolling her eyes at some of his opinions rather than be corrupted into being a judgemental person.

Original poster
PigletCrisps · 29/06/2015 23:36

I think you get out of life what you put in and he is teaching her to be judgey and rude
when she said that comment about the man he loved it, and they were both basically laughing at him

OP posts:
squishyeyeballs · 29/06/2015 23:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fatmomma99 · 29/06/2015 23:43

I kind-of feel for you. My DD (yr 8 [note - not age 8!]) got her first detention this week. DH responded by regaling her with stories about his own detentions: How he got them, how he skived off them, etc.

MY DH (and all this I LOVE about him) had a bit of a "yoof" in the 1970s - he ran away from home; he lived on a beach, he squatted houses, he took and dealt drugs, he had gay sex and did intravenous drug use.

I'm not so keen on him "modelling" this to our DD. He KNOWS that this impresses me (I'm very boring and 15 years younger than him.... I've done nothing like he has done) (well, maybe a little bit of gay sex...) (very small amount of drug taking/dealing selling to friends)

But I HATE him regaling her with the stories that impress me. I don't want her to think that the naughty side of him is something to aspire to.

So I am with you.

OfaFrenchMind · 29/06/2015 23:50

Well, TOWIE is not very high-brow...
Thing is, you cannot police everything that happens between them. He is expressing opinions, not teaching her racism or sexism (That would be problematic)

Remember, life is great because we do not all adhere to one single dogma. If we were all having the same consensual, bland kind of thoughts, it would be so sad (and debates, art, and thought-provoking literature would not exist)

Original poster
PigletCrisps · 29/06/2015 23:53

Well maybe I'm guilty of being too pc

OP posts:
Original poster
PigletCrisps · 29/06/2015 23:56

Recently on a few school events shes ended up sitting next tobthe head teacher

he finds this extremely funny and lkbes to tease her about it
as she will be all embarrassed
And he will say stuff like what did i talk about etc

it really bugs me as he's actually just teaching her to be really shy around the head teacher
He makes her self conscious

OP posts:
Original poster
PigletCrisps · 29/06/2015 23:58

Wirh regards to towie if he had said to dd this programme is dross or rubbish fair enough
But his comments were just rude really

OP posts:
Tessbrookes · 30/06/2015 00:08

I wouldn't be impressed with that either, I'm with you that you shouldn't judge a book by its cover. So what if he was wearing a cape and had huge sunglasses? His dress sense has no bearing on whether he's a 'weirdo' or not.
Although your dd sounds clued up and switched on. Like the fact she thought of a magician. Smile
As for FatMommas reply though I'm a little baffled. It's alright for you to be completely wowed and impressed by taking and dealing drugs, and having gay sex as well as not only taking drugs but intravenously but not your daughter? Confused
How do you think your parents feel that you were so suckered in by such a charmer? Why is it suddenly so different when the boot's on the other foot and it's YOUR daughter that could suddenly be wooed by a feckless miscreant?

Lweji · 30/06/2015 00:11

I was watching towie. he said well dd this a programme for thick people

You realise how offensive this was to you?
Did you confront it over it?

Denimwithdenim00 · 30/06/2015 00:12

I honestly wouldn't make a big deal out of it. Just laugh and give your dd your view on people.

She will make up her own mind.

However stamp hard on her saying rude or insulting things out loud as this will make her vulnerable as she gets older and mixed in the world.

There are some people who may punch her hard for staring and commenting and they may be at her high school.

Kids need to learn to protect themselves by behaving well.

Your dh sounds a bit immature really.

GatoradeMeBitch · 30/06/2015 00:12

Ooh, I'm so glad I'm not in your shoes OP. I would be gagging to say 'Well dd, your father is what is known as a useless floppy bellend!'

It sounds like he is speaking to you through her, very passive-aggressive.

There's not much you can do though. Maybe try and offset Mr World-Weary with some positivity, so your dd knows it's not all doom and gloom?

mathanxiety · 30/06/2015 02:12

Sorry to mention this, but are you the MNer with the H who is 18 months younger than you? If yes, then you have a real prize on your hands.

The words passive-aggressive and immature are not strong enough for him.

TheHumblePotato · 30/06/2015 02:34

Tessbrookes Totally agree! If only there were a MN 'like' button!

Original poster
PigletCrisps · 30/06/2015 03:12

Math yep that's him

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 30/06/2015 03:16

Not exactly Mr Plays-Well-With-Others Sad

Original poster
PigletCrisps · 30/06/2015 03:23

Yes u realise that how offensuce it was to me

It was like hes trying to get me to stop watching it
Like a control thing

I do watch alot of crap that pisses him off but im knackered alotvof the time

He has got alot worse lately

OP posts:
velourvoyageur · 30/06/2015 04:41

Tess is there something wrong with gay sex?

ImNotTheLadies · 30/06/2015 04:49

I would respond casually with ''and that, DD, is your father being a judgemental prick but I know you're a much kinder person than he is''

mathanxiety · 30/06/2015 05:38

I think it is a control thing. Look what he has done to you -- you are in the position of admitting you watch a lot of crap tv and justifying it. This is an indication that his remarks have put you no your back foot.

I don't think he wants you to stop watching it necessarily. He just wants to use anything he can latch onto to use to put you down. If it wasn't tv it would be crocheting or whatever else you chose to do with your time.

phoenixrose314 · 30/06/2015 05:54

He sounds like a very judgemental person, who feels better about himself by pulling apart the people around him (I live with one of those too!).

Just interject immediately after he speaks with your two cents worth. "No, he's not a weirdo, he likes dressing that way - everybody is different." "That programme is not for stupid people, it's fun and silly and I like it."

Most of all your DD needs to realise that she cannot allow someone else to speak for her - or for you.

Original poster
PigletCrisps · 30/06/2015 07:25

Well I sound more on a back foot than I actually am
As reason I said i do watch alot of crap is because i know it is crap and i know peoplevon here will say well what do expect if you watch that shite

He really is being an annoying twat though

OP posts:
Lweji · 30/06/2015 11:52

Have you confronted him about what he said?

He is a twat, though. Not your fault that he is like that.

sooperdooper · 30/06/2015 11:56

Has he always been a boring judgemental pain in the bum of just since pointing out these things to your dd? I think your issue should be with the root problem which is his attitude in general

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