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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want a present to myself and not want my husband to have it!!!

96 replies

Nanc123 · 29/06/2015 21:57

I've had a significant birthday and my husband has encouraged me to buy a flash digital camera way over the price I would feel comfortable spending - my friends and family have chipped in too and it's a big deal present. He never mentioned about him using it until we were in the shop , as I assumed as i do art projects too that this would be my camera and not clogged up with his pics as well. Tonight I've come downstairs and he is playing with the camera and apparently I am being a bitch if I want it to myself... Is it too much to ask to have something to myself??? I would rather have a cheaper one and it be just mine!!

OP posts:
susiedaisy · 29/06/2015 23:30

Agree with Tendon

SelfconfessedSpoonyFucker · 29/06/2015 23:42

If DH took something special and brand new of mine that I hadn't used and then got cross with me when I expressed that he had not asked there would be some righteous fury. I would definitely be questioning whether we bought it for me or him. I would also be fine with DH asking to check it out and doing so... So long as he treated it and me with respect.

BathtimeFunkster · 30/06/2015 00:09

Fiddling about with someone else's complicated and very new machine is a bit off, really.

If I get a new gadget, I expect to have first dibs on setting it up the way I want it.

Someone else getting in there first does seem quite proprietorial.

We normally share our stuff.

But buying someone a gadget and then going in and setting it up without even asking them is really not cool.

Even before you call them a bitch for daring to have an opinion about what happens to their own birthday present.

If I put money towards my sister's big birthday gadget, I wouldn't be too pleased to hear her husband was bogarting it like that.

butterfly133 · 30/06/2015 00:19

YANBU

Sounds like he bought it for himself

Sootgremlin · 30/06/2015 01:12

My first post was actually intended to be sympathetic to the OP, as I said I wouldn't have reacted in that way to my dh over that issue, so for the OP to have done so her dh's general attitude and behaviour (eg the offhand calling her a bitch) must have provoked it.

The OP then said I was overcompensating and some other stuff, I'm not sure why, or exactly what she meant but it all sounded very angry toward someone who was basically on her side, I then revised my opinion. I didn't think she was being unreasonable as such, just that the whole interaction seemed odd and unnecessarily aggressive.

but what works for you and your family might not work for the OP and it doesn't make her wrong

Confused I didn't say she was 'wrong', and it's obviously not working that well for her or she wouldn't be on AIBU.

People are responding to a situation that wasn't described in the OP - tendon it is more akin to the dh picking up her new book and having a flick through it, reading the blurb and then the OP saying "it's mine, you can't have it I want it to myself". I wouldn't assume my dh was going to carry on reading my book, I'd assume he would give it back for me to read once he'd had a look, I'm saying that for the OP to assume she wasn't going to get a look in must mean her dh has form for being a bit grabby and selfish with stuff. So I sympathised, it sounds a bit shit.

There's nothing smugger on Mumsnet than an overused head tilt steppedonlego so I'm in good company Grin

CassieBearRawr · 30/06/2015 01:16

NBU, he can get his mitts off your present. If he asks nicely and you allow it then there's no reason he can't occasionally borrow it, but it's your present. Where he sticks his willy is irrelevant ffs!

NotaDinosaur · 30/06/2015 01:27

'The bloke sticks his willy in you...' Not if he called me a bitch he wouldn't be!

mynewpassion · 30/06/2015 01:38

Sootgremlin: sorry you are being ganged up in. I agree with you and your post was reasonable.

summerainbow · 30/06/2015 02:46

I bought my self a pink camera ex husband still took all my photos off it ( don't to this day know where they are ) and took it work . All with asking me .

Alanna1 · 30/06/2015 03:03

I am amazed by this. Surely you can share it??

Atenco · 30/06/2015 03:14

Many years ago I bought a car to be able to take my mother sight-seeing. I didn't drive at the time, my boyfriend did. Then we split up and I was taking buses in the rain while he was driving around in my car so I took driving lessons. Then he would come in the morning to ask to borrow the car and get really angry if I refused. Grrrr, you have all my sympathy OP.

Original poster
Nanc123 · 30/06/2015 07:09

Thanks tanukiton that's exactly it.. Some People don't understand the emotion you might have for a camera. If it was a necklace and he has lent it to his sister everyone what be up in arms. Some women lust over gadgets too...fact. Gremlin you can't get upset if people react to phrases like "we have a marriage" "we are normal" , people are different and I believe I didn't throw away my right to be an individual on occasion by getting married. And I don't need to prove to you that it works (apart from gadget theft) ps he didn't get angry I asked him if he thought I was being a bitch about it because of his reation and he said yes. (Wasn't upset about the word)

OP posts:
redfairy · 30/06/2015 07:28

YANBU. If I am bought a gift I expect it to be mine only and similarly I don't expect use of another family members gift. Tell him to get his own if he likes it that much.(only child hereGrin)

Sootgremlin · 30/06/2015 08:21

I didn't say "we have a marriage" and "we are normal" I said it didn't seem normal to me to be so possessive over 'stuff' within a marriage. "All that I have etc etc..." It's nothing to do with not being an individual, it's about if you have mutual respect for each other as individuals neither side would get grabby about things like this, so the situation wouldn't occur where you felt like he was trying to sneak it out from under you.

I don't think this is smug, to me that is the point of marriage. Other people have different expectations and that's fine, you don't have to prove anything, but I was having a different opinion which you asked for by posting, but which you didn't want. I'm not upset.

But the story is changing all the time anyway, I'm glad he didn't call you a bitch and hope you get the gadget theft sorted out to your satisfaction Smile

Thanks mynewpassion Flowers

TTWK · 30/06/2015 08:48

Youthecat-I shall explain this with a box of chocolates analogy. If you get a box of chocolates for a gift it's a nice gesture to share them with your friends and family. Not so nice if you go to the cupboard to get the chocolates out and find the buggers have got there first.

Brilliant analogy, apart from the fact that a box of chocolates is a limited and finite resource, and when one person takes from it, there is less for someone else. A digital camera isn't limited to a certain amount of shots during its life, and if hubby takes a picture that isn't one less picture someone else can take.

But apart from that, a perfect analogy! Hmm

Original poster
Nanc123 · 30/06/2015 09:22

Gremlin you did say that it didn't seem "like a marriage" which is sweeping and incendiary - bit full on for camera chat - .... he said sorry we made up and when I understand how to use my present, put the settings on I want ...I would like him to be able to use it on occasion! BUT ITS MINE!!!!

OP posts:
TTWK · 30/06/2015 09:41

I would like him to be able to use it on occasion! BUT ITS MINE!!!!

Wow..you're all heart!

Certain things are individual, laptops, phones etc. Other gadgets aren't, TVs, Hi-Fi, cameras, cars etc.
Gadgets such as that, in our house, are ours. It matters not a hoot how they came into the house, whose gift they were initially etc. They are ours. To use and be enjoyed.

Kewcumber · 30/06/2015 09:54

My favoured gadgets (tablet in my case) would be prized out of my cold dead hands before some other fuckers fiddles around with them (other to admire or stroke or look at wistfully from a distance). Especially if I hadn't had time to fiddle myself and set it all up and read the instructions for hours and hours

If they ask nicely they can borrow, once I have made freinds with it and am no longer in lust with it.

Is it really unreasonable to have one or two favoured things that are yours and should be treated as such by other people in the family? Does it matter what those things are, it's irrelevant that some people wouldn't feel that way about a camera. You are entitled to have one or two things that are unequivocally yours and I would think an expensive camera bought for a significant birthday is a prime candidate.

StarlingMurmuration · 30/06/2015 09:58

YANBU at all, OP. fair enough if he wants to borrow it and you let him, but it's YOUR birthday present. Your precious, if you will. Yours.

Seriously, though, I do think you're being unreasonable. It's not a family toy, it's a present bought for your hobby. I bought my DP a very expensive telescope for Christmas a couple of years ago, and I wouldn't have dreamt of messi with it before he got a chance to play, or even using it now itch out asking. And as for sticking his willy in you, that doesn't give him the right to all your possessions in this day and age!

StarlingMurmuration · 30/06/2015 10:00

I DON'T think you're being unreasonable, I mean. Sorry.

Sootgremlin · 30/06/2015 10:58

Well, ok. It wasn't meant to be incendiary, I think I've explained what I meant though. In my marriage it would seem weird to be all "It's MINE, HANDS OFF!" about stuff. It's not what marriage is about to me which happens to coincide with what's said in the vows.

It's not a man/woman gadgets thing, either. My dh is getting a new phone and he'll be hoping that I open it and set it up for him and tell him what it can do. I'd find it exhausting to be that competitive over things with the person I live with. He bought me a bike for my birthday and test rode it before I did. I'd happily let him read a book before me if he started getting into it. Nothing is lost. I'm not ok with those things because I'm smug or downtrodden, but because we each know the other wouldn't take the piss so it doesn't matter.

Keeptrudging · 30/06/2015 11:10

Sootgremlin it's the same in our house - what the OP was describing seems more like the kind of interaction/annoyance I'd have with my big brother. I can understand her feeling annoyed if it feels like she won't get to set it up herself to suit her use of it or if her husband is being patronising and acting like she won't be able to do it herself.

oddfodd · 30/06/2015 11:12

Please can we stop throwing accusations of ganging up and bullying around? This isn't the playground - it's robust debate.

OP - I'd be pissed off too if I were you. a) because it's a new toy and you should get first dibs on exploring/playing with it because it's yours and b) because he said you were being a bitch. I would be especially fucked off about that and would seriously consider taking it back to the shop and buying something different.

ByronBaby · 30/06/2015 11:14

A camera IS a personal thing. Noone touches my camera (it is usually next to me anyway). It is not a thing to share. No way.

ScrambledSmegs · 30/06/2015 11:35

I know what you mean, OP. I got a new phone as a gift. It is a bit swanky, and I love it. DH refuses to upgrade his, he sees it as an unnecessary outlay as he won't use the majority of the smartphone features. Fair enough.

But I'm getting a teensy bit Hmm about him always using my phone as a camera/video and watching Youtube. He calls it the 'family phone'. I know it's a joke, and I smile along, but...

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