To not want my child playing out in the street in the evenings.

[Candycoco]

The past week or so we have been getting knocks on the door nearly every night from kids in my dd's class asking for her to go out and play.

Each time I've said no as we are busy or something like that because I do not want her playing out in the street. She is 10 and in year 5. She does have quite a bit of independence as she as been walking to and from school each day since the start of year 5, and has been allowed to go the the shop at the end of our road for milk etc for the past couple of years. These were well rehearsed in advance, talked about what she should do in different situations and we're slowly built up to, I didn't just let her do it all of a sudden.

We live in a busy, urban area and these kids don't live in our street, they just live in our area. So AIBU to not let her out to play with them?

I know she is 10 and I don't mind her playing out the front of our house with her cousins for example if it's daytime or school holidays. But I do not want her off roaming round the neighbourhood doing God knows what with a load of other kids. They've also been knocking at 7pm, which I think is far too late as she normally goes to bed at 8 to read for half an hour. They knocked at 7:45pm on Friday night which I just think it's way too late. It's one thing playing outside but just roaming round the neighbourhood I don't agree with.

One of the kids who keeps calling has bullied dd since reception and only this year stopped when dd finally managed to stand up to her with me guiding and supporting her to do so. I do not want her hanging around with this girl as she is the ring leader and not a friend. Dd tolerates her now but knows exactly what she is like.

I actually grew up round here too and did play out with friends after school, but what started as innocent riding bikes around and playing etc soon progressed once we were teenagers to drinking in the park and messing around with boys. I don't want her to be one of those kids. I hated being at home when I was a kid but she and I enjoy hanging out together and the reality is she's busy, she goes to dance and her other activity 4-5 days a week and spends eow with her dad, so I want to see her and know what she's up to in the evenings. Kids her age are so easily influenced and I worry about peer pressure and so on.

What do you all think, AIBU?

Mine haven't and won't be going out just to hang around. It just isn't done here, where we live (London). Children are taken places here and when they're old enough they go out with friends but they go to places and do things or they go to each other's houses and hang out.

I'm always a bit about how this kind of upbringing is presented as doing a disservice to your child, as though hanging around aimlessly outside is essential to their well being. I remember being bored to tears as a teenager and all of us moaning that there was nowhere to go and nothing to do, I remember local campaigns to open youth clubs and get kids "off the street", give them a purpose etc.

My kids are happy and social and do loads of interesting stuff. It's working alright for us and every other family we know.

I can understand your wanting to protect her from the bad situations you got yourself into, out of boredom and a lack of anything else to do. sounds likeyou are doing a good job providing her with more opportunities than you had.

But sooner or later, she will be hanging out with teenagers. Maybe not these kids, but there is no guarantee that the kids that she currently is in activities with, or her cousins, will necessarily be any better. Or even want to hang around in a social group.

You MAY be setting her up to be the snob. And more bullying or maybe just being 'not one of us' and ignored by them all. You may see that as a win and she might too, when she is 30. she may not feel it is when she is living it and that creates a risk of rebellious trying to fit in.

Sometimes, the best defense is a good offense. Have you considered inviting any of the door knockers in? Providing a place to be and something to do for an hour or so? It doesnt have to be a party, but some snacks and hanging out in the garden or indoors with games with a few of the kids, I assume not the girl who bullied her, once a week or so could be a good thing for them all. It might make you feel more comfortable with her going out next year.

oabiti can you say how you progressed from 10 yeasr old to 20 year old in terms of what they were allowed to do. Mine dd is 10 and I am dreading the progression. She is very dyslexic and about two years behind at school so more like an 8 year old than 10 but she is 10 and looks it so it is hard to know how much freedom to give. I have no worries about being over-protective! Up to a point!

Momagain1 I agree with you that Sometimes, the best defense is a good offense. Have you considered inviting any of the door knockers in? Providing a place to be and something to do for an hour or so? It doesnt have to be a party, but some snacks and hanging out in the garden or indoors with games with a few of the kids, I assume not the girl who bullied her, once a week or so could be a good thing for them all. It might make you feel more comfortable with her going out next year.

I've already considered converting our used garage into a den for teenagers, (when mine is a teenager) because I like the idea of them having a place to be and my home is already somewhere kids are happy to come and play. Sometimes they moan when they have to go home! Which is lovely. Because as a kid we rarely had friends in and were not the sort of family who had people in to tea a lot. I missed that as my neighbour's family did that and I wanted it for me. Now we have that for dd and ds and I am so happy.

Re You MAY be setting her up to be the snob. And more bullying or maybe just being 'not one of us' and ignored by them all. You may see that as a win and she might too, when she is 30. she may not feel it is when she is living it and that creates a risk of rebellious trying to fit in. I can see your point but I also fear that giving in to going out just to avoid further bullying is wrong and ultimately bullies are to be avoided and not engaged with in the hope they can be your friend. Kids will sometimes do anything to be liked and included. It may lead to a case of 'do what others do and fit in and you will be liked, even if it goes against what you want to do' that in itself is not a good lesson to learn!

Italian - my Children are dyslexic and this may have effected their learning in school but has not effected their social skills. In fact they were above their age. They were very articulate and social and still are. Their organisational skills were rubbish but socially they were great and I had no worries about them becoming more independent. It's hard to do but try to separate how they are academics you doing and the rest of growing up. Her intelligence is probably more than she is achieving. She'll be fine.

Thanks Heyho111 that is really interesting and encouraging to hear. Sadly, my dd's social skills are not fabulous and she does lack confidence in some areas. I have always put it down to dyslexia but your post has made me wonder! I guess it may be related or not. They are all so individual. My dd has been lucky to make some fabulous friends and is exploring new activities.

She has been in Guides (and before that Brownies and Rainbows) and this is one of the few things she has really stuck with. Ballet, swimming etc all went down the pan. She does need a lot of down time after school. Any tips more than welcome. There is a new youth club at church but she wants me to come with her for the taster evening, which I expect I will do. It is hard to know when to go along too and when not!

My dd is dyslexic and a social butterfly. She's hardly in, and she comes home late because she can't tell the damn time

Hi Italian. It could be just her personality. It's great she has outside school activities/ friends as they wont know the dyslexic side they just know her. It is also interesting that she has stuck with a social group. And wants to join another. I bet you'll be needed for 5 mins on the first try and then you'll be binned ???? she sounds like she is more social than first appears. Good on her. My two are at the end of teen stage and there have been ups and downs with academic stuff/ hormones and general growing up. At one point it was hard going. But they've both come out the other end and it's all good. I would say don't worry but you will. That's our role !

Capatinholt that's great (all except the lateness)!

There might be a link in terms of dyslexia and social skills. My dd is definitely affected by 3 and 5 of these....
www.understood.org/en/learning-attention-issues/child-learning-disabilities/dyslexia/ways-dyslexia-reading-disability-can-affect-childs-social-life-self-esteem

Sorry OP, I will stop hijacking your thread!