To not want my child playing out in the street in the evenings.

[Candycoco]

The past week or so we have been getting knocks on the door nearly every night from kids in my dd's class asking for her to go out and play.

Each time I've said no as we are busy or something like that because I do not want her playing out in the street. She is 10 and in year 5. She does have quite a bit of independence as she as been walking to and from school each day since the start of year 5, and has been allowed to go the the shop at the end of our road for milk etc for the past couple of years. These were well rehearsed in advance, talked about what she should do in different situations and we're slowly built up to, I didn't just let her do it all of a sudden.

We live in a busy, urban area and these kids don't live in our street, they just live in our area. So AIBU to not let her out to play with them?

I know she is 10 and I don't mind her playing out the front of our house with her cousins for example if it's daytime or school holidays. But I do not want her off roaming round the neighbourhood doing God knows what with a load of other kids. They've also been knocking at 7pm, which I think is far too late as she normally goes to bed at 8 to read for half an hour. They knocked at 7:45pm on Friday night which I just think it's way too late. It's one thing playing outside but just roaming round the neighbourhood I don't agree with.

One of the kids who keeps calling has bullied dd since reception and only this year stopped when dd finally managed to stand up to her with me guiding and supporting her to do so. I do not want her hanging around with this girl as she is the ring leader and not a friend. Dd tolerates her now but knows exactly what she is like.

I actually grew up round here too and did play out with friends after school, but what started as innocent riding bikes around and playing etc soon progressed once we were teenagers to drinking in the park and messing around with boys. I don't want her to be one of those kids. I hated being at home when I was a kid but she and I enjoy hanging out together and the reality is she's busy, she goes to dance and her other activity 4-5 days a week and spends eow with her dad, so I want to see her and know what she's up to in the evenings. Kids her age are so easily influenced and I worry about peer pressure and so on.

What do you all think, AIBU?

That is the problem if I was to let her out with these kids, they are from all over so I couldn't just say to her stay in our street, as clearly these kids are going all over. I don't feel like there's anything to gain from that?
I'm not at all saying I'm keeping her in forever, but I want what she does to have a point!

She's 10, what kind of point can things have?

We live on an estate and we're talking about an area where you could cover every part of it on foot in 15 minutes. He 'roams' in half of it.

Candycoco I really think you know the area best. In our area there are roads where kids all play out together, very safe and some are quite young.

Our road is a bit of a through road, where no kids regularly play out. There are no benches to sit on and there is a small grass area where people walk dogs.

But there is a bigger grass area and if dd (10) wanted to go there with friends I would let her. But all her friends live quite a way away so it is not practical yet.

I think where I live there are no real options to play out except the park.

I think it is just knowing your area and what is feasible. DD has a phone (an old one of dh's) so when she does go anywhere she can be in contact when she needs to.

I think some areas are safer than others, better for play and it really depends on the kids they are with.

Always your call but one day she will get to decide so prepare her to stand her own ground, know her mind etc.

All the best.

Not everything that kids do has to have a point. What about just being a child and playing with your mates?

Children need downtime too OP. She attends activities 4-5 nights a week, I think a bit of "pointless" time in between all that is pretty harmless, if not necessary.

Feel a bit sorry for her. Just let her go out and play, she's 10 not 5.

When did life for kids become so protected and bubble wrapped and restricted? I remember getting out to play much younger than that and roaming really far from my house?!

We all need pointless time. Although developing independence and social skills with other children that's not micro managed by parents is not pointless imo.

Ds was excited and 5 minutes late the other night because there was a dead seagull next to the park and there was a man (I'm assuming a council worker) scooping it into a bag.

I couldn't possibly provide that kind of experience.

I agree with you Candy. If kids have a defined plan of 'we're going to the park to play tag' then I might let them go but not just to hang around. And not in large groups.

I didn't play out with neighbourhood kids when I was younger. I did sometimes ride my bike around the block with my best friend, and we were allowed to the local shops from the age of 9 but there was no just hanging around.

I was once called for by 2 older girls when I was 9 or 10. My mum let me go but we just hung around the park for a bit and then they just ran away and left me so I went home. I was never bothered about doing it again.

I also didn't hang around outside when I was a teenager - if I went out it was to a specific place like the cinema or a friend's house. I never rebelled, and I like to think I grew into a normal adult so not 'playing out' never did me any harm.

The worst thing will be when the kids stop knocking for her because they know shes not allowed.

Well there is no where to 'play', it's just street after street and they are busy.

Not everything has to have a point buying don't see what's to be gained with roaming round the streets, what is she missing out from that? She goes to friends houses to play or has friends here which is fine.

My worry is partly that if you allow them to roam around at this age then at secondary school these are the kids that start drinking and smoking, I know this cos I hung around in one of those big groups as a teen.

My parents had no idea what we were up to and I do believe there's still a lot of naive parents out there now.

She does have down time, and it's not 5 nights after school her activities it's over weekends too. She sees her friends outside of school, her cousins and so I'm not sure what she would be missing out on?

I think it's a shame you don't trust your own parenting.

I've seen both ends.. Kids let out at an early age learn their street smarts. Kids that weren't end up going wild when they rebel in their teens and can't see when they get the piss ripped out of them by their
Peers.

Awful early bedtime though for a 10 year old.. Poor little bugger.

I can sort of see your pov but I also think your child is alienated from friends or a social life out of school that's not planned and orchestrated by you. She can do clubs, she can play with cousins....but she's not allowed to play out with friends.

Does she have friends over at all? I think underlying this is a fear of your child not being in your total control. Yes she walks to school and goes to the shop but it took two years of planning and building up before letting her!

I'd give her a chance to prove that you can trust her to stay in the street. I've started letting my 9 year old go to the shops (10 minutes walk and a very busy main road but underpass she can use) recently but she's been playing out in the street for three years because she knows not to leave this road.

Everyone lives in different areas so it's hard to judge on where is safe but I brought my kids up in the east end of Glasgow until three years ago and my oldest was allowed out to see friends from age 8 but not allowed to roam due to the area...So she could go direct to her friends or they would meet at the park.

You have given her the decent upbringing you want her to have, now you need to trust her with a bit of freedom.

My dsd is 12 and has never played out or been allowed much freedom. As a result, although she's enrolled in three trillion clubs, she lives a very structured life, has never learned how to play with kids her own age and cannot manage unstructured time unless she's in front of a screen.

Why is 8:30 an awfully early bedtime gamerchick? She needs her sleep! And never asks to stay up later on a school night as she is tired

You sound quite sneery about kids that are allowed to play out.

It did not take 2 years to build up going to the shop! I said she started going to the shop 2 years ago.

Some of the happiest times of my life, man and boy, have been during pointless hanging about time. My 9yo is out now, my 11yo is in bed reading. They have wildly different personalities.

I think aimless, unsupervised, downtime with your pals can be really valuable.

My 10 year off is allowed out until 7pm in the summer, 13 yr old is allowed out til 8-8:30ish in summer.

It's got to start at some point, at least at this time of year it is still light until really late - better to let her start now imo.

I agree if there was a green area nearby by or somewhere to play then I would let her out. But I'm not just going to let her out walking round the streets, again what is to gain in that?

And I do trust my parenting I was just trying to get some other viewpoints. But thanks

Some of my best childhood memories come from sitting on a wall talking twaddle with my mates for hours. The 'point' is socialising and friendships.
Its your choice of course, but I think at 10 a couple of hours out isn't going to make her a delinquent.

Wow she's 10 let her out!! I honestly think playing out freely is part of a magical childhood and kids that don't have this miss out imo. My dd gets in from school, changes and straight out to play (also aged 10). The kids have a great time, playing gymnastics,scooters,games making dens etc. At tea time the parents sometimes bring their tea out to them and they all sit on the big green together. I love to watch them and realize that all too soon she will be too old for such pleasures so i hope she us making lovely memories. I do have the advantage of living in a court with a lovely dog poo free green so kids can be seen at all times though, I can appreciate the area you live in can greatly affect your decision to let them out xx

candy
You original post and subsequent posts are starting to be misquoted.
You can get out now, or spend the evening explaining you didn't say something. Something that you are now being judged on!

Well belle as I don't have the lovely green where you can see your dd at all times then why should I let my child out?!

She will gain having downtime with her peers, learning about friendship dynamics.

But for me the most important thing is that she will feel included. I am working through issues from my childhood with my counsellor, and the thing that we keep coming back to, that affects my life now, is that I always felt like an outsider. I didn't get the in jokes, and actually, I feel like I have terrible social skills as a result of being so sheltered. I still feel like an outsider now, and it affects my confidence and self esteem.

I'm going to say it for the last time. She goes to her friends houses to play. They come to ours. She has close friends at dance that she sees and between mine and her dads family she's always around people. she is not socially awkward or excluded in any way shape or form.

I think it's clear that those of you who allow your children out to play have got somewhere for them to play. That wasn't the issue I was talking about, I don't want her walking from house to house around a busy urban environment. That isn't playing and there's nothing to be gained from that.

So I won't apologise not wanting her to be one of those kids.