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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to find the relationships forum here so depressing?

36 replies

aquaella · 29/06/2015 16:58

I am new here and just been looking round the site and forums. I have looked at the relationships forum and I understand this is where people in distress go when relationships breakdown or with other personal problems but reading it makes me feel like nearly all relationships are fragile, fraught with difficulties and hanging by a thread. It makes me feel that to have a good marriage that lasts it would have to be some kind of miracle! Is this true or is it just the nature of the forum that makes it appear so awful?

OP posts:
FraggleHair · 29/06/2015 17:01

People with great relationships are unlikely to start a thread on the Relationships board.

HagOtheNorth · 29/06/2015 17:01

Hide it.
If you are in a happy relationship and don't feel you can be supportive or constructive, then hide it. It's a lifeline for hundreds of people, and there's a lot of shared experiences that are invaluable to mny who have no one else to talk to.
I stay away because I have nothing useful I could post, and I would get impatient with some posters, which isn't helpful.
There are many other sections on here to chat on.

Original poster
aquaella · 29/06/2015 17:07

I agree I don't think I could be constructive because I just can't relate to them and have no experiance of what they have been though, even though I have been with my husband for 20 years. Its awful that they have to suffer so much through a relationship that should bring joy but it is so difficult to relate to their situations. I didn't know you could hide it.

OP posts:
FenellaFellorick · 29/06/2015 17:07

Well, you don't get a balance because people don't generally start threads saying hey everyone, I'm so happy, everything in my life is going great and my husband and I love one another sooooooo much. So all you're going to see are problems. It's very sad that there are so many people out there who are so unhappy, but that doesn't mean that everyone is.

Original poster
aquaella · 29/06/2015 17:10

I guess I thought there would be a few more positive threads about marriage but in light of the issues people are having it would seem smug and in bad taste to talk about how happy you were!

OP posts:
FenellaFellorick · 29/06/2015 17:11

It would.

People tend to put the light happy stuff in Chat. Relationships is more for support.

AllThatGlistens · 29/06/2015 17:11

Surely you must understand that it's mostly populated by people having difficulties, hence posting threads asking for advice?

You do occasionally see positive threads on there, but it has been a lifeline to some very genuine posters over the years, some of whom have had to flee some truly awful situations.

It ain't gonna be all hearts and flowers.

Original poster
aquaella · 29/06/2015 17:14

I do understand now but I am new to the site and when I clicked on that forum I just didn't expect it to be so grim. Just because it is called relationships doesn't mean it has to be all about the bad stuff but I appreciate that here it is mainly for support for those people in trouble.

OP posts:
HagOtheNorth · 29/06/2015 17:16

There are a lot of posters who have been in a happy relationship for years, but you bump into them all over the place.
Relationships is not like facebook, people tend to be honest, both in describing the problems they are having and in the responses to posters asking for advice and help.

PHANTOMnamechanger · 29/06/2015 17:17

i don't visit that board, but I have commented on threads that have started elsewhere and been moved there. It makes me appreciate how lucky I am to have a lovely decent man as my DH and soul mate. It makes me worry as a mum of 2 teen DDs, what sort of things they may have to endure in life, and hope they will be lucky not unlucky.

MN is a great support to many women in despair or distress who would just not know where to turn in their hour of need.

WinterOfOurDiscountTents15 · 29/06/2015 17:19

Some of the answers are more depressing. I read one the other day where lots of people were telling the OP that its perfectly normal to pretty much loathe your partner after a decade or 2 together and never have or want to have sex with them.
That shit is depressing. Settling for so little and telling others to do the same.

Summerisle1 · 29/06/2015 17:20

If everything in the garden was lovely, there'd be no Relationships section would there? You'll mainly get the sadder end of the spectrum because that's what people need help to cope with.

FenellaFellorick · 29/06/2015 17:22

That's true. It didn't 'have' to be but that is what it has evolved to be in the ten or more years that the site has been up and people have been using it and so that is what it is and that is what the people who use it need to be and I don't think anyone would want to join mumsnet now and say hey I'm here now and I think you're doing it wrong, you should all be more jolly on here, stop with the misery, it's bumming me out man, I want you to read all about people who are far happier than you'll ever be...

That would be tactless and insensitive and there are lots of other sections for people to talk about their great relationships, if they want to.

OTheHugeManatee · 29/06/2015 17:29

I just don't read it. I agree it's very depressing but remember people there are self-selecting and happy relationships make for rather dull (and smug) thread topics. Also remember for the people who are in a mess relationship-wise those boards can be a lifeline.

If I want a smile I usually look for new kitten threads in the Litter Tray section Wink

Original poster
aquaella · 29/06/2015 17:30

I really do understand that the relationships forum is what it is and theat is what people need from it. I can see Winter's point and I picked up on that as well just how low some people's expectations are of love and relationships but it does make me feel lucky, and appreciate my good luck.

I am not suggesting the relationship forum change, it was just such a shock to me!

OP posts:
Tanith · 29/06/2015 17:31

Be thankful you aren't living through some of the awful situations on there Sad

Sometimes people post just needing reassurance or to sound out, but for some, it is literally a lifeline.

And very occasionally you get the abusive partner stalking. They invariably walk straight into the arms of the regulars, who send them squealing with their tails between their legs. Those ones can be quite amusing Smile

greenhill · 29/06/2015 17:32

There are lots of other topics to chat in too, other than AIBU or _chat:

TV addicts / radio addicts / adult fiction / children's fiction/ history club/ science and nature club/ the litter tray / the dog house/ parenting etc

The more serious topics are: Relationships/ elderly parents / life limiting illnesses / bereavement etc and are for posters that have a situation in which they need help/ advice/ support or just a chat with other people that have experienced something similar.

MN is a massive site, use the drop boxes at the top of the page or click on "talk" at the top of the page to find interesting corners. It would be great if newbies started threads in these areas or just had a pootle around in other parts of MN other than AIBU.

'Active conversations' or 'unanswered threads' is a good place to start. MN classics is great, if you've got hours to kill and need a pick me up Smile

TrojanWhore · 29/06/2015 17:35

Do you do realise that people who read/post in that section read AIBU too?

Are you new to all talk forums, not just this one? Because something I'd have thought was basic - not slagging off existing users to their faces - seems to have passed you by.

And I would have thought that it's bleeding obvious that people who post in certain topics do so because they're having difficulties? No-one goes into child health just to say how gloriously healthy their DC are. Or into infertility to talk about how easily they conceived.

FraggleHair · 29/06/2015 17:36

I don't think she's slagging people off.

Original poster
aquaella · 29/06/2015 17:37

I have to say I don't use the internet much and I never meant to slag them off. It isn't intended that way at all but it is depressing stuff I'm sure even they would agree.

OP posts:
Original poster
aquaella · 29/06/2015 17:38

I understand now that if I can't offer anything constructive to the people there then I should just stay away.

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 29/06/2015 17:39

I agree with what others are saying that you don't go on relationships with a problem usually unless it's a serious one. But it does seem most of the problems in this past while have been ones that can't be solved at all or solved very easily. Like financial abuse and controlling and agressive behaviour that has gone on for some time.

FenellaFellorick · 29/06/2015 17:42

I wouldn't use the word depressing, because that's really saying wow, other people's terrible situations are just so hard on me, which I don't think is what you're saying, is it? It's so hard for me to read your tragedy?

I'd probably say that reading them makes you feel really sorry for the people who are dealing with such difficult things and it makes you feel really bad for them and sympathetic towards them and you have compassion for the difficult lives they have.

greenhill · 29/06/2015 17:43

AIBU is a bit of a fight club and can be a bit punchy, aquaella it's not always a good idea to start out here, but don't be put off other parts of the site, there are plenty of other places to chat Smile

HagOtheNorth · 29/06/2015 17:46

aquaella what are you interested in? gardening, politics, literature? What are your hobbies, favourite books, pets? How old are your children?
There's a lot around to dip your toes into that is light-hearted or educational, and there are help boards if you face a problem and don't know anyone IRL who is going through the same thing or who knows what you can do legally, financially or whatever.
It's a huge site, have a womble around.