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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask what your Mother/Daughter relationship is like with your Mother

106 replies

RachelRagged · 29/06/2015 09:03

Hi

From as long as I remember me and Mum have not got on. We get on on the whole, I love her, she loves me, but .....
Example. Friday she came over and brought me some provisions, which I am grateful for . Some was fruit So "Where is the fruit bowl I bought you?" By the TV Mum said I.. Next thing its been moved elsewhere in living room ! She also gets irked at my pets, my children and my garden . I just feel like saying "Its my home, my pets and kids and MY GARDEN!" However she tends to turn things round like she is the victim !

Another is she has to be in control at all times. She sees it as "caring" , I see it as suffocating . I am 48 years old not 8.

On her plus side she is kind, generous and very giving ... I just don't see it getting any better as everytime I pull her up I get "Oh I won't bother anymore then, get on with it" . I would LOVE too "get on with it" but not allowed ! Its starting to get to Me . .Even my Dad and Sister have fallen out with her over her control kind of issues in the past.

Anyone else have issues with Mum?? Or Dad I guess ,, but my Dad is laid back, minds his own and is generally all together different to Mum . So as not to drip feed I did feel sad Friday , Group of us went out and when we got back I said I am much more like my Auntie, Auntie agreed.. My Daughter said I am completely different to Mum .. Mum said "You are kind like Me" then added "Come on , there must be more" There is not :( :(

OP posts:
Original poster
RachelRagged · 29/06/2015 14:22

Sorry I wanted to highlight the post I was answering but its not done so

OP posts:
EponasWildDaughter · 29/06/2015 14:27

There's lots of different types of love.

Love for your kids, romantic love for a partner, love for family, love for a friend. We may well all feel love in a different way.

It sounds like you love your kids Rachel :)

I know what you mean though. I used to worry about not being sure what love actually should feel like. So perhaps an out of sorts mother/daughter relationship has a subtle knock on effect like this?

JillBYeats · 29/06/2015 14:31

My mum is soooo controlling and love is conditional - always had been but I don't know what I'd do without her. She is my rock, just so long as I do things her way. I think mother/daughter is very complex for most people. I try not to be too controlling with my (teenage) daughter but I think she is utterly amazing and I'm not sure my mother ever thought that of me. Though she has always been fond of and supportive of me (again as long as it meets her approval). Thing is we are very different generations and personality so given that I think we do well to get along so well.

Original poster
RachelRagged · 29/06/2015 14:34
Smile

Yes I imagine it can have knock on effect a relationship so close, or supposed to be a close one. Mum said we have never been close so I imagine it was much the same when I was little (course have no memories) as it is now.

I remember good times. I always had birthday parties, lovely things for Christmas, days to the seaside and countryside, always paying out for me to do Brownies, Irish Dancing, Tap etc ... and never been surprised or overly annoyed when I would give them all up lol. I would swap all of those things to feel something toward her .

OP posts:
Original poster
RachelRagged · 29/06/2015 14:37

Think that oddly the times we got on best were when I was around 11/12 kind of age. I get upset at times thinking of when I was maybe 8 or so and always had pretty bows in my hair,, how proud she must have been to do that. And a card she wrote me as I turned 18 saying she loves me and all she wants is for me to have a happy life (it didn't work out that way but that is my own doing) and another letter years later saying she wished she could make it all better ..... sorry getting emotional now..

It is just so sad.

OP posts:
Sazzle41 · 29/06/2015 14:41

Been NC for years. Last conversation we ever had she said 'you have always been a millstone round my neck'. We werent allowed to touch her, show emotion or be normal children. What she wanted were perfect, robotic little dolls. We were fed, watered then either ignored or ruthlessly criticised. It was grim.

BabeRuthless · 29/06/2015 14:47

You know the stereotype of the mum who's ill but constantly telling people not to worry about her? Well, my mum is the polar opposite of that. She gets annoyed if she thinks I'm not worried enough about her. I spent most of my childhood and teen years tiptoeing around her for fear I'd do something wrong or offend her in some way and get shouted at. If I actually did do anything wrong she wouldn't speak to me for days. As a result, our relationship now is strained to say the least and I can't ever see that changing sadly.

Original poster
RachelRagged · 29/06/2015 14:51

That's terrible Sazzle and not surprised you would go NC.

JillBeYeates .. A lot of your post could be Me. However I don't think her love is conditional. So difficult isn't it ? Especially when most of my female friends have easy going relaxed M/D relationships

OP posts:
Original poster
RachelRagged · 29/06/2015 14:53

Yes, I tip toed a lot in hindsight as well BabeRuthless. Scared maybe. She was and is a "everybody has a go at ME" type reactor to any confrontation at all. That's it then, discussion closed.

OP posts:
Denimwithdenim00 · 29/06/2015 14:53

None now as my dm has been consumed with the onset of altzimers. She's lost.

We always were happy in each others company but she knew nothing about my life as a teenager. I couldn't discuss anything adult with her. She's always been a sheltered sahm and ticked in around 1957.

My own dds are so close to me that my 16 year old asked me to access contraception with her and shows me her app for pill reminder. We talk about everything and anything.

I am very close to my older grown up
Lads too but am conscious I can over parent and I am a worrier.

My stbdil I love to bits tells me I am a compulsive care giver! Grin

TapDancingPimp · 29/06/2015 14:57

Plarail123 that sounds so horrible for you Sad why is your dad being so difficult?

U2TheEdge I feel exactly the same about my mum and have got myself into some horrible, tearful, anxiety-ridden states in the past just imagining what my life will be like without her Sad

sashh · 29/06/2015 14:58

My relationship with my mother has significantly improved since she died.

TapDancingPimp · 29/06/2015 15:02

Some of these comments are upsetting Sad My own mum had a horrible relationship with my GM, apparently she was always telling DM she (GM) was unwell and going to die, or packing ornaments away and threatening to leave. She used to cut DM's hair so badly that poor DM stayed inside for weeks.

Oddly enough, she was a fantastic grandmother and I loved her more than anything. It's so strange.

Denimwithdenim00 · 29/06/2015 15:02

There's some bloody god awful sad posts here. Flowers

U2 obviously these things vary but in my experience your relationship changes with your parents as they get older and you become the strong care giver who they rely on. It's a subtle change and coincides with your teens and young adults still needing you, work commitments and then sorting out your parents practical needs as they get older.

The roles reverse.

Not helpful probably Flowers

patterkiller · 29/06/2015 15:04

Crap, she has surrounded herself with needy people and I used to fit in the category by default as she helped with childcare. I don't 'need' her now so she sees that as me being a bitch. She still sees DCs but I am not on her radar. I worry when DCs become older she will act the same.

Crocodopolis · 29/06/2015 15:04

Non - existent.

StayWithMe · 29/06/2015 15:28

My relationship with my mother has significantly improved since she died.

I'm sure people will be shocked that I laughed at that comment Sashh, but I know where you're coming from.

DawnOfTheDoggers · 29/06/2015 15:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hippoesque · 29/06/2015 15:46

Mine is an alcoholic, has been for as long as I can remember but will never, ever admit it. She kicks off all the time as I won't invite her to anything, tells people fake stories about what a fantastic grandmother she is and spends her life lurching from hangover to next binge session. I have no sympathy for her because she made our lives hell, as my siblings and I grew up and our dad left her and found happiness elsewhere she has gotten worse. I look forward to the day she dies as she has wasted her whole life, never accepting responsibility for her behaviour and exposed my children to extreme danger with her selfishness. I hate her.

PooSweats84 · 29/06/2015 15:50

I've not seen mine since January, when I was visiting her, as usual. I got a text past week asking if we'd found out the sex of our baby yet, I told her I was pregnant because I felt I should, but she only engages at the 'exciting' bits, via text. When I told her we were only telling people in person, stone cold silence ever since, just how I like it!

SaucyJack · 29/06/2015 15:55

Mine asked me if it was too late to get an abortion when I told her we were expecting DD3.....

She was a surprise baby admittedly, but DP and I were both delighted.

mumcantmakeadecision · 29/06/2015 16:06

My mum plays the part, to others. But she doesn't actually have a part in our lives. She is great in emergency situations but makes sure everyone knows. Nothing us ever done for nothing.

Libitina · 29/06/2015 17:08

NC for 18 years now. My sister doesn't see her either.

whois · 29/06/2015 17:42

I have a good relationship with my mum in that I don't feel judged and she has been supportive and encouraging and I know she is proud of me and loves me. She is an interesting person and I value her in her own right as a person not just my mum. I feel that she always 100% did the best by me.

I would call her now if I got into terrible trouble and I know she would help me first, then be cross if I'd done something stupid.

She gave me plenty of freedom as a teenager but it was clear k was always to work hard.

She wasn't exactly a 'fun' mum and she didn't play with me, but would set me up with a craft activist or something. She was affectionate.

BUT

By god she can he really annoying now! She talks and talks and talks and is a very negative person which I have only really started to realise.

coffeetasteslikeshit · 29/06/2015 18:07

I could have written your opening post OP! That is exactly what it's like. I'm sure she loves me, despite having never told me so, but she is so negative about everything and if I dare to stand up to her in even the least offensive of ways, then I get the "we'll do it yourself then, that's the last time I try and help". She's also very passive aggressive, it's like dealing with a sulky teenager.

I'm having my first therapy session on Wednesday Smile