To ask what your Mother/Daughter relationship is like with your Mother

[RachelRagged]

Hi

From as long as I remember me and Mum have not got on. We get on on the whole, I love her, she loves me, but .....
Example. Friday she came over and brought me some provisions, which I am grateful for . Some was fruit So "Where is the fruit bowl I bought you?" By the TV Mum said I.. Next thing its been moved elsewhere in living room ! She also gets irked at my pets, my children and my garden . I just feel like saying "Its my home, my pets and kids and MY GARDEN!" However she tends to turn things round like she is the victim !

Another is she has to be in control at all times. She sees it as "caring" , I see it as suffocating . I am 48 years old not 8.

On her plus side she is kind, generous and very giving ... I just don't see it getting any better as everytime I pull her up I get "Oh I won't bother anymore then, get on with it" . I would LOVE too "get on with it" but not allowed ! Its starting to get to Me . .Even my Dad and Sister have fallen out with her over her control kind of issues in the past.

Anyone else have issues with Mum?? Or Dad I guess ,, but my Dad is laid back, minds his own and is generally all together different to Mum . So as not to drip feed I did feel sad Friday , Group of us went out and when we got back I said I am much more like my Auntie, Auntie agreed.. My Daughter said I am completely different to Mum .. Mum said "You are kind like Me" then added "Come on , there must be more" There is not :( :(

Well, I had triple surgery recently. Have been waiting for 18m for it, and on and off crutches for 10 years now.
I have two young children and a horrible (bordering on DV) H.
I told her about the surgery, (via email - this is the only contact we have - I phoned her for 20 years before I twigged that she NEVER called back: 'can't afford it'!)
No get well card (no surprise there) but not even an email to say: 'hope you getting up on feet now to care for kids'. Nothing. Nada.

I had emailed to say we might be in London this autumn (she is in Kent, we are in Scotland). Would she like to meet up (for sake of kids, not me!). Reply was: 'very busy.... let me know nearer time'.

Sadly, MIL is vile and H is (mostly) blind to it. He tells me how wonderful HIS mother is, in comparison to mine. So, I am utterly alone in it.

Being a teen with my mom was hard, we didn't get on but I see now that I was a horrible little cunt.

I love her, she's hard working, caring and can't do enough for anyone, she's never interfering or annoying and just supports me and my siblings in a healthy normal way.

I used to be very close to mine as a child/teen, but we've grown apart as I became an adult. We just have very differing views on a lot of things. I still love her lots, I wish we were closer, but she does drive me crazy if I spend too much time with her! My sister is the same, but we're very close to each other.
Mother/daughter relationships do tend to be very intense, perhaps that's why there are often problems?

Hmm, my relationship with my DM has been good but not great I'd say. I don't think she fully understands the potential for a really good mother/daughter relationship. She slightly too often told me that when my DBro (DC3) came along (after me and my sister) that she felt her family was complete. DBro was favoured and still is by both DF and DM - unfortunately I think she was brought up to put the boys and men first, which always seems a bit odd to me since obviously she's female herself. Basically I'd like us to talk and share more of our lives with one another - have a full mother/daughter relationship of mutual support - but I have to accept how it is and what she can offer I think - and be glad of that.

Particularly I felt slightly un-supported through my twenties - a bit left to fend for myself after I left home for Uni at 18. She renewed the interest when I was expecting and DGC were on the way and she's had a good relationship with them (because a slightly more superficial relationship works better with your DGC than your own DC?)

I have an amazing relationship with my own wonderful DD - she is absolutely one of the loves of my life. I hope our relationship will continue to deepen and mature through the coming years. She's 16 now and blossoming into a remarkable young woman. I feel very blessed

On a lighter note I meant to say that when my DM last came to visit she peered rather disapprovingly at my shoes and gave me a cheque for some new shoes for me and DD! She is very generous I have to say - that's one way she shows her love and affection. We might be using it to visit a Uni open day instead though - although I guess some summer sandals could be on the cards too!

scottishmerlottish , your H sounds like my ExH. Couldn't hear a bad word against his unpleasant vile manipulative DM.
She convinced me I was fat and repulsive at 18years old, needing therapy after my divorce, but if you asked my EXH, he'd say she farted glitter and shat out sunshine and rainbows. As hard as it is, try not let her get to you.

Mother In Law is an anagram of Woman Hitler for a reason

My DM can be a bit judgemental & grumpy but overall her good points outweigh the bad

I have learned over the years to appreciate her good characteristics and try to overlook the bad ....and try not to compare my relationship with her to the relationship other adult women have with their DM ...All mother/daughter relationships are different

We will never be super close and I would never confide in her over something personal but we get along well enough as long as we don't spend extended periods together - about 48 hours is the limit!

I think my relationship with DM is in your kind of ball-park Funky
I might hazard a 3 night stay at theirs

I love my mum, she is great and made huge sacrifices for me when I was growing up. I used to speak to her every day but then I moved abroad and my dad controls the contact. I'm lucky if I speak to her once a month now. He would like them to go completely NC with me and my DS. I miss her but I guess it is preparation for when I can't talk to her any more. The idea of not seeing her again is heartbreaking.

My Mum is my best friend. She's amazing. We speak every day at least once and see each other a few times a week. Since I had to stop work due to disability/ill health she's been my rock(along with DH)

I fell out with my mum for two years. She recently died and I didn't have time to repair my relationship with her. I'm absolutely gutted.
I've read some of you on here are distance or don't speak to your mum, I suggest you don't make my mistake. It's a hole I will never be able to fill.

It is amazing. There is nothing I can't tell her. She is my best friend and I love her for the person she is, not just because she is my mum.

I call her once a day at least. She is my rock and I don't know what I will do without her. I am petrified of her dying because the hole she will leave will just be massive.

I am very lucky, but my dad is a sociopath so my childhood wasn't a great one until she left him. Without her influence I don't know how I would have turned out. She has just settled down with a nice man now but she was really bad with relationships as my dad did a right number on her confidence, so there were hard parts.

Our relationship works both ways as I have supported her a lot as well and I am the first person she calls when something good or bad has happened or she just wants to talk something through.

I know the heartache of having a parent who is crappy and the pain it causes so I am very grateful I have my mum and to those who don't have a good relationship with theirs.

Ugly

I'm sorry. I can't imagine how hard that must be.

Very lucky with my mum. She would do anything for me and is incredibly supportive and loving as a mum and granny, but she all has very good boundaries and respects my need to have privacy and do things my way within my family.

All three of my closest friends have mothers with serious mental health issues and/or subtsance abuse issues, and I have seen their difficult relationships play out over the years. It makes me very, very appreciative for what I have got in my mum.

Ugly
Sadly my DM died 15 years ago. We had a very ambivalent relationship and we didn't really understand each other. I tried to do the opposite to her in that I didn't marry a farmer, stay in Scotland or give up my career. Looking back though I have a lot to be grateful for. She made sure education was an absolute priority. She funded courses for me etc. I remember when I was an au pair in France one summer, she wrote a letter every single day (back in the day of blue air mail letters). Her life collapsed when my brother died young and she gave up on everything.

UglyBugaz - I am sorry for your loss and your regret that you didn't get chance to repair your relationship with your mum.

Some of us cant though, even when they are alive, because our mothers can't / don't want to repair things.

If my mother died tomorrow it would make little difference. I know that sounds incredibly harsh. Of course I would be very very sad -she was my mother - but actually, there would be little difference in the sense of 'making up' as the option isn't available anyway, iyswim.

I'm proud to have her as my mother and I'm even prouder that she's my friend. I value my adult relationship with her more than when I was a child as we know and respect each other as proper people, as well as mother and daughter.

Same with my dad, and I have lovely in-laws as well. I feel very, very lucky.

I love my Mum. She will go out of her way to help others, as an ex nurse who is now working as domiciliary care she works hard to care for others and loves having the DDs. She self sacrifices too much imo, doesn't know how to enjoy herself and this causes her to be a martyr at times. We're so different, it's hard to bond as I don't understand her but she's there for me. I don't ever remember her telling me she loved me or she's proud of me, as a result, I'm always telling the DDs that.

Would love to go nc with mine, but trapped in FOG.
She has a favourite DGC, is a narcissist, a hypochondriac, a martyr. She is cold, heartless, selfish, snide, acidic. Her actions have eroded the relationship I had with my DSis.

My DF is brilliant in every way.

DMil was wonderful, but sadly died a few years ago. DFil is a sweetie-pie.

Ice cold, polite to the point of freezer burn and very limited contact.

When a 'mother' states that she wishes she'd aborted you, thinks you're a defective freak and considers it a shame that anaphylaxis hasn't killed you there really is nowhere to go.

Andro -

It took me till my mid 30s to learn that i need to keep my mother at arms length for my sanity. Once i learned to do this i felt a sense of freedom.

We have always lived near each other, and it was always expected that i would bring the GCs round or she would 'pop' in when it suited her we would see each other 2 or 3 times a week.

She is clever, loves her GC, and is generous with her time for them. She will always offer to step in and help with money or family situations ...

BUT

... She never lets you forget anything she does for you, brings it up out of the blue and exagerates the circumstances to others. She excels at guilt trips, sarcasm and twisted truths to get her own way. This is mainly fueled by jealousy, one-upmanship, a desire to control, and to keep up appearances that she is the perfect mother/g.mother to others. She also massively hates the fact that i have run my life differently to hers. Quite why i don't know. Maybe she sees it as a critisism of her choices?

I have 4 daughters; tiny to grown up. I am grateful that their relationship with me seems genuinely happy and relaxed. I have been shown a style NOT to copy.

Yes , ,it is difficult . I have thought of going NC but that would hurt her , ,I know she loves Me. . its just the way she acts. Like others have said my Mum too is generous (her friends adore her , MY friends adore her lolll)but being her daughter is different to being a friend.

She buys me sweet little things for the home and when my cat was killed bought me a lovely mug with cats on, in Memory . She fills my freezer a lot of the time, , ,but I never ask for anything . Which meant another row once when she threw that at Me .

If something happened to her, in all honesty and I likely will sound evil, I don't know how I would react for certain .That is my issue though , I do not get "Love" . Never felt it . Perhaps it is me with the problem.

Esponas , I hear you.

I have a fabulous relationship with my own daughter. I brought my kids up completely different and all have turned out fine , on the whole, so far.

I do not get "Love". Never felt it

Love for your kids OP?

Yes, my mum was totally unapproachable when it came to my teen years. Sex, BFs etc. Her way of dealing with things was to tell me in advance how utterly abhorent all ''that sort of behaviour'' was, and how perfectly she behaved in her youth. 'Waiting' for my father and marriage. ''Nice'' girls etc, etc.

If she thinks that stopped me from being sexually active very young (14, and on the pill at 15) then she has it very wrong. It's just that she never got to know about it all as i would rather have crawled over hot coals than tried to tell her anything. The cats bum face would have been stuck on for about 5 years, lol.

*I do not get "Love". Never felt it

Love for your kids OP?*

I suppose it is love. I care for them, worry about them (even if one is late home its panic time), am proud of achievements, loved their little toddler ways, would die for them, hunt down and hurt anyone who hurt them physically . I don't know what it feels like if the above is not love.

Perhaps I used to love, I put a wall up many years ago, around my emotions.