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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

school punishment

95 replies

namech4nger · 28/06/2015 22:30

Firstly my son is a good boy. I know everyone thinks their child is an angel but mine really is good. Polite and shares and many people have always complimented me on his behaviour. ...This also makes him a bit over sensitive and over emotional over things. ( like me really. I'm sensitive too).

Anyway on Friday he comes home from school crying. Been upset and crying all week including tonight. We attended a party yesterday and my son was his usual self at this time.. maybe the excitement made him forget. Anyway his still awake upset now and I just know there will be tears in the morning too. He dOes not want to go to school. My son otherwise loves school and learning and all his teachers and the 2 parents evenings there has been the teachers have said his a good boy.

so on Friday my son comes home crying that he was talking when he shouldn't have been so has been told his name is on the list and he will have to go on the wall on Monday. I told him that's correct and he shouldn't have been talking. He was really upset so during dinner after he calmed we stated talking through it and he said that his friend....let's call him Lee. ...was talking first my son spoke back...and then was told by the teacher he is on the wall.

I'm stuck on this.

This is the first time anything like this has occurred. I do n't want to go into the school and tell them he is not going on the wall as I don't want him to think that he can be naughty in the future and it's fine because mum will sort it out.

But the sticky point is he can't understand why he is going on the wall and Lee is not when Lee was the one who spoke first to then make him speak. I explained that things happen the world is not perfect Lee did not get caught but you did.

His not getting it.
He seems scared of the wall...I've explained it's standing next to a wall and not on it as he has never been on the wall before but he is do upset about it all and has been most of the weekend.

What do I do. Do I tell the teacher it was Lee too? Do I just send son in screaming and crying? my son even wants to write a letter to the teacher to say Lee was talking to him.

I feel heartbroken by this. I know that this is stupid. Aibu to ask what you would do.

my son is 5.

OP posts:
HerrenaHarridan · 28/06/2015 23:48

Hmm, well if children are unable to sit still and shut up we must force them to stand still when their opportunity to run their energy off finally comes.

No wonder our nation is so fat!

Yet another reason why I choose home education.

lizabeth0607 · 28/06/2015 23:56

This post actually upset me and I don't think you are over reacting at all. I am quite shocked by the amount of people that have stated that your 5 year old needs to toughen up also, he is 5!!

I would go into school on Monday and speak to his teacher, I would explain how worried and upset he has been over the odd punishment which IMO should have been dealt with immediately. I do agree with the others that Lee isn't relevant and shouldn't be brought up though.

Good luck OP.

TinyTearsFirstLove · 28/06/2015 23:58

I would have a chat with the teacher. Just say that if he's been talking when he shouldn't then you've told him off and support them. However, your little boy is worried sick about the punishment and ask them what it was he did wrong and what the punishment is so you can talk to him about it.
My youngest went through this a while ago. When I talked to the teacher, she didn't know anything about it and said he couldn't possibly have done anything wrong. My little one had been worrying on and off for weeks about being told off for being too slow at something and the subsequent punishment. As soon as I spoke the teacher he stopped worrying. At this age they shouldn't have those kind of worries on their shoulders. Also, they can misunderstand punishments so maybe the wall thing isn't half as bad as what it sounds. Get the teacher to explain what the wall really means.

HowDoesThatWork · 29/06/2015 00:19

I think the punishment is inappropriate.

Is this a state school or do you pay for this special treatment?

SofiaAmes · 29/06/2015 00:23

I am with HerrenaHarridan

kali110 · 29/06/2015 01:35

I'd just explain that yes lee was talking but that he was talking, he shouldn't have been and now he needs to do his punishment.just because his friend was doing something he doesn't need to be..

NRomanoff · 29/06/2015 06:09

The punishment is odd. However you don't seem to have a problem with it in general.

Personally I would be questioning what it actually is. Our school gives parents a list of things they would use and a rough guide to what behaviour results on those punishments.

There is no getting round the fact that when you question it now, it is going to look like you think it's an ok punishment for other kids but not yours. But still question it.

What your son needs to understand is that th teacher may not have seen or heard his friend talking. Teachers are human and they don't see everything. Besides which, it doesn't change that he was talking.

I do think you need to start working with you son to deal with these sorts of things better. He is unlikely to go through school without being told off from time to time.

NRomanoff · 29/06/2015 06:11

I also suspect 'the wall' isn't what it sounds like.

mummytime · 29/06/2015 06:32

Let the teacher know how upset he was all weekend.
Tell him that actions have consequences, but everyone gets into trouble sometimes. (He does need to be learn to cope with small punishments without over reacting, even if unfair.)

If the teacher insists on punishing him by depriving him of some playtime, you could bring this up with school as: small children need playtime, small children don't cope with punishments separated from the crime by a long time period, and they should have a greater range of punishments.
In my you vests class they had a grey and a black cloud, and just having your name on the grey cloud was a bad enough punishment for most of them.

selly24 · 29/06/2015 07:01

Being punished days later us stupid and inappropriate for 5 years olds. Shaming them in this way does more harm than good. Time to seek out a new school?

derxa · 29/06/2015 07:38

It may have been that playtime ends with two whistles. Whistle blows once- everyone stops what they're doing and stands still. Second whistle everyone lines up. Your son may have ignored the first whistle and carried on talking. Or it could be that his name has gone on the wall in the classroom. Anyway I would quietly ask to have a word with the teacher this morning if he continues to be upset. Clear it all up with communication and I'm sure there will be no problem.

soapboxqueen · 29/06/2015 08:19

Being 'on the wall' is essentially time out while in the yard. It really isn't odd. It's no different to having a time out spot or thinking chair inside a classroom. It's mainly done because unless an incident is very serious, infractions during playtime are punished within playtime.

The waiting over the weekend is an issue. I agree with others about it being relevant to such a small child. However, if punishments aren't carried over it leaves a section of everyday where punishments (or the main punishments) are unavailable. It doesn't matter how you try to compensate for it. I've had these same debates with colleagues for years. solutions usually end up making the system more complicated for the children or offer a wider disparity of punishments depending on when something happened not the severity.

If he really is that distressed you could speak to the teacher to let her know he's been that upset. Tell him that it doesn't matter what his friend was doing.

GoblinLittleOwl · 29/06/2015 08:22

My children used to be 'stood by the wall' in the playground for misdemeanours at Infant school many years ago; both survived to adulthood.
You are grossly over-reacting. Your son is being punished because he broke a school rule; make sure he understands that; it is immaterial whether Lee broke it as well.
And don't even think that you will 'go into the school and tell them he is not going on the wall'; you don't have the authority.

ollieplimsoles · 29/06/2015 08:48

Sorry but this is bullshit, you punish a child right away when they do something wrong, not leave them hanging all weekend, especially not at five. He has a good track record and he only spoke in class ffs, a little reminder not to speak when the teacher is speaking would have done it.

'the wall' sounds like a teacher who just likes having some power over a bunch of five year olds to me...

ollieplimsoles · 29/06/2015 08:53

yet another reason why I choose to home educate

Same with us Herrena.

A little boy who usually loves going to school and learning, opens his mouth at just the wrong time and now he doesn't want to go to school...hmm, that'll teach him a lesson. Confused

basgetti · 29/06/2015 08:55

Also with Henrenna. So glad I pulled DS out when I read stuff like this.

Nameforsexboard · 29/06/2015 09:14

Hope you got it sorted this morning op.

NoStannisNo · 29/06/2015 09:29

I would actually be surprised if the teacher even remember to do this on Monday. Once I leave school on Friday I try to erase.all memories.of the week, Men In Black style, as i crack open the wine!

We have this at school - in KS2 it is a warning, then name on the whiteboard, and yes talking when you are not supposed to be would be a punishable offence.

In Reception, they have a.cloud and a rocket and if you are naughty your name goes on the cloud. Again, talking when you are not supposed.to he would come under this, but certainly not the first time. They would have to be seriously pissing me off repeatedly shouting out, talking over others, messing about, to get their name up there. Are you sure it was just for this one time of talking to Lee?

The other thing I would say is that it is fairly unusual for a child to get that upset over this sort of thing, so it might be worth just having a chat with the teacher, to explain that while you are supportive.of.behaviour sanctions blah blah, your DS has been really upset over this, just so they are aware of how.sensitive he is. If a child is really well behaved and you never have to pull them up on anything, then if they do get told off.for.something really minor like in this case, it can be a real surprise how sensitive they are about it. Then hopefully she can have a little chat with him to reassure him.

Goshthatsspicy · 29/06/2015 09:29

I think that punishment us draconian.
Are you in the UK?

Woooooohoooooo · 29/06/2015 10:04

Usually it's not standing by a wall but having your name on the naughty section of the wall.

Also your son committed the crime, so must do the time. Your son talked when he should have been quiet. His friend wasn't caught hence why he got away with it.

vvega · 29/06/2015 10:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Iliveinalighthousewith2friendl · 29/06/2015 11:32

Vega. I think the last 2 lines of your comment are way out of line.
To you it may not seem like a big worry but to a 5 year old child, well not much more than a baby really. It is a big deal. It would be like our supervisors saying to us on a Friday afternoon. I want a word with you on Monday... You'd spend the whole weekend panicking thinking you were going to get into work and the end of the world was going to come.
Also did you not read op's initial post. He is sensitive. It seems to me that you're mocking him to be honest.

GinUpGirl · 29/06/2015 11:40

I stood at the wall in the 90s. Didn't now schools still did this!

mikado1 · 29/06/2015 11:57

Oh gosh, haven't read tft but am replying quickly as can see how upset you both are. Firstly, I am a teacher and disagree with the wall but, that's obv discipline policy, so that's that. Bit surprised that a teacher wouldn't give a warning before putting him on but again, that's that. While your ds is frustrated he seems overly invested in 'blaming' Lee-he spoke back, Lee didn't set him up, just the way it worked out/was seen by the teacher.

I wouldn't say anything and tell him to ignore if someone speaks out of turn again so he has a plan. Tbh bit shocked at 5 yr olds punished like this as socialising so important at that age and a quiet word with him would have sufficed but obviously we don't know full story.

I would add that the whole 'good boy' thing is a bit overstated in your op-aren't all small children inherently good and just learning the ropes? Seems like his behaviour has become his worth and that's why he's so down on himself now as being on the wall doesn't equate with being good. Worth thinking about your praise of him imho, important he knows he is not his behaviour and we all make mistakes. Hope you're both ok.

mikado1 · 29/06/2015 12:06

I think the rocket and cloud set-up is a public shaming too tbh. Really don't think it's necessary unless there is a real behaviour problem.