school punishment

[namech4nger]

Firstly my son is a good boy. I know everyone thinks their child is an angel but mine really is good. Polite and shares and many people have always complimented me on his behaviour. ...This also makes him a bit over sensitive and over emotional over things. ( like me really. I'm sensitive too).

Anyway on Friday he comes home from school crying. Been upset and crying all week including tonight. We attended a party yesterday and my son was his usual self at this time.. maybe the excitement made him forget. Anyway his still awake upset now and I just know there will be tears in the morning too. He dOes not want to go to school. My son otherwise loves school and learning and all his teachers and the 2 parents evenings there has been the teachers have said his a good boy.

so on Friday my son comes home crying that he was talking when he shouldn't have been so has been told his name is on the list and he will have to go on the wall on Monday. I told him that's correct and he shouldn't have been talking. He was really upset so during dinner after he calmed we stated talking through it and he said that his friend....let's call him Lee. ...was talking first my son spoke back...and then was told by the teacher he is on the wall.

I'm stuck on this.

This is the first time anything like this has occurred. I do n't want to go into the school and tell them he is not going on the wall as I don't want him to think that he can be naughty in the future and it's fine because mum will sort it out.

But the sticky point is he can't understand why he is going on the wall and Lee is not when Lee was the one who spoke first to then make him speak. I explained that things happen the world is not perfect Lee did not get caught but you did.

His not getting it.
He seems scared of the wall...I've explained it's standing next to a wall and not on it as he has never been on the wall before but he is do upset about it all and has been most of the weekend.

What do I do. Do I tell the teacher it was Lee too? Do I just send son in screaming and crying? my son even wants to write a letter to the teacher to say Lee was talking to him.

I feel heartbroken by this. I know that this is stupid. Aibu to ask what you would do.

my son is 5.

We used to stand by the wall as punishment at school. Basically you stand by the wall watching everyone play as a punishment you can't join in.

Craps punishment if he was quite when told straight away.
Crap punishment three days after an even for a five year old. Most 5 year olds will have forgot what they've even done and the worriers will make themselves into a state

*quiet

*event (gives up)

I agree, holding the punishment over the weekend, especially for such a young child, is completely unfair and unacceptable. I would certainly raise this as a cause for concern with the school.

My 6 year old with additional needs was made to sit in at break time and stare at an egg timer, as punishment for making noise during quiet time (his vocal tics). That was the day I finally pulled him out of school. Are 5 year olds really being made to stand against a walk for talking 3 days earlier? I cannot believe anyone would consider this reasonable.

I think any minor misdemeanour should be dealt with then and there, that's what is have a huge issue with - it should not be dragged out over a weekend. That and having realistic expectations of 5 year olds and a warning system. Tbh, our school were v clear about their sanction system from the fondant I'd have seriously reconsidered sending my child somewhere with such a Victorian scheme in the first place.

I'd of course reiterate to dc that they must be quiet when asked but is privately be expressing my concerns to the teacher.

Think I get this. Caught misbehaving and you don't get to play at break. Because it happened on Friday afternoon, then next break-time is Monday.
Sounds a bit harsh for one episode of misbehaviour in usually well behaved 5 year old but if that's the rule for all, and the children know that, then so be it.
Think you are over reacting if you are heart broken, but can sympathise with feeling upset as you see your little one upset and respond to it.
Don't forget you have only his side of the story and it may be that he isn't telling you the whole story? Could be he or others had been warned, there had been talking and teacher said 'the next child to talk will be punished or similar'.
In regards to Lee - life's not fair- this won't be the last time he learns this. Not nice being a tale-teller though.
You both need to toughen up a bit, just be matter of fact and normal, tell him he'll be fine, he's a big boy now etc, it won't happen again if he behaves himself in future.
I wouldn't discuss it with the teacher though. If she's any good she will know how he feels, and if she isn't then she won't really care and think you're an over protective mother.

Just because you had to stand next to a wall at school OP (how ever long ago that was), it doesn't mean your son has to stand by a wall at his school. You clearly say he said he was ON the wall. Are you sure you are not assuming the punishment is the same?

TOTALLY agree with others that 3 days later is ridiculous for a 5 year old, as most won't know what they are being punished for. In your case, your child WILL, because he's been upset all weekend.
I think there should be consequences to actions, but 3 days later is wrong, all of playtime is wrong (I work in 3 primaries - not a teacher - and none of them do anything like this). Yes, they 'time out' a child (usually for a minute and usually for behaviour on the playground) or use 'miss part of break' timed by an egg timer. But it's ALWAYS on the day. They also have versions of thumbs up/smiley face (list of names) thumbs down/sad face (list of names). It's rubbed off at the end of the day.

Get him to write a 'letter' in the morning apologizing and saying understand what he's done wrong (if the letter just says "sorry" that's good enough). Put a note in with it saying how upset he has been, and he understands that he is being punished for his misdemeanor.

Ask the head to see a copy of the behaviour policy.

Then decide on your next step.

It IS a life-lesson to receive a punishment when someone else hasn't. It isn't appropriate a 5 year old cries for 3 days.

I think that Lee is almost irrelevant to this.

It won't hurt him to build up resilience a bit. But this is pretty horrible.

Surely missing a whole break in most schools is only for a "big" misdemeanor like hitting, or repeatedly talking.

Does the school not give out warnings first, or have a traffic light system or something?

I'm imagining the wall must be quite crowded if you can get there through talkinging once when you shouldn't!

Yes he should have been punished there and then. Not left to worry over the weekend to the point where is scared to go to school,
But as for saying I know all people think their children are angels, I don't think mine is far from it. She's got her faults. She's human as is your son. Like it or not. You go around with the my child is so perfect, attitude people will cross the road to avoid you. I guarantee it.
And heaven forbid if he does go off the rails when he is older they might well laugh at you for being so smug.

You are completely over reacting. Your ds is upset because he is being punished for talking. What "Lee" did or did not do is absolutely nothing to do with you, and has no bearing on whether your ds should or should not be punished.

Just talk to him about following the rules next time and move on.

I too think that you reacting about the "heart broken". This is a minor infringement, with a minor punishment.

The only part of his punishment that I disagree with is it being given 3 days later. Punishments should always happen the same day.

Are you quite sure 'on the wall' means the same thing at his school as it did at yours?

At ours it meant having your name written on the blackboard as a 'first strike'. If you misbehaved again then you would start to get sanctions like missing some of your break time.

The punishments seems rather out of kilter with the 'crime'.

Ilive. ....I'm not smug at all. I didn't say my child was perfect either. If he goes off the rails...He goes. But I wouldn't disown him because he was naughy or bad. I was just saying my son is a good boy as I think posters knowing whether my son's behaviour is either good or bad will assist them in what they think the best thing I should do is.

Bet he doesn't soeak when he is told not to again though? Lesson learned job done, move on

Kids try this all the time 'but so and so was talking too'

I say 'were you talking?'
'were you supposed to be talking?'
'No, then you broke the rules and it's reasonable to give you X sanction. Don't worry about other people's behaviour, take responsibility for your own behaviour. Teachers aren't superhuman and can't spot everything, but you can be silent when you know you shouldn't be talking'.

Ok.
Tomorrow I need to find out to make sure I know.

What is.... on the wall.
was son told to e quite first or told the wall on Monday straight away.
Do they normally punish on Monday for a Friday offence or is this a one off.

does that sound about right?

OP I think it was fine to say your son's behaviour is usually good. I also don't think you're over reacting. You've seen your son get very upset about something that should have been dealt with on the day. Leaving him to worry all weekend was hugely unfair and cruel.

My son's class is big and quite rowdy/chatty/spirited. I reckon nearly all of them would be punished on a daily basis if that rule applied at their school!

OP, I have a child like yours - extremely well behaved and eager to please, and ridiculously over-sensitive to any kind of telling off, no matter how minor. She would have been beside herself if a teacher punished her at that age probably even now!

I think our job as parents is to try and equip our children with the resilience to deal with the odd telling off, even the odd minor injustice, as it is inevitable that they will experience these. Don't say anything to the teacher about Lee, just explain how upset and anxious your child has been about the punishment - not so that the teacher can change it, but rather so that she can perhaps help him get it into perspective.

I'm guessing it's name on the wall, rather than having to stand at a wall in break time - given that it was a fairly minor offence. Nevertheless, even that would have been enough to send my dd over the edge at that age!

I think the teacher needs to know that he's been upset all weekend and worrying about school, clearly he needs some support to manage his reactions and cope with situations he finds stressful.

Leaving a sanction for a minor infraction hanging over a 5yo for so long is madness, they'll have either forgotten what it was for or not themselves into a state.

I sympathise that it seems unfair but unfortunately life is like that. Your role in this is to point that out and help him to deal with it by not overreacting.

You appear to be taking this far too personally and your son will pick up on this.

"On the wall" is a commonly-used expression in primary school meaning standing, or sitting, next to the playground wall at playtime instead of joining in with play. Could be the whole playtime, could be just a couple of minutes. It is not always possible to supervise children missing playtime in the classroom so they wait by the side of the playground instead. I would speak to the teacher to clarify what happened. In my class, I wouldn't make a child who had spoken once out of turn miss play, but it could be that he kept talking after a reminder or two.

You're DS was naughty and a punishment if fair enough.

The punishment itself, as you describe it, is plain odd. As is holding a delayed punishment over a 5 year old for the weekend. The punishment should have been at the time, then over and done with. I'd be concerned that my child is so upset about this too- surely not many parents would ignore that? I'm not saying you let him off or condone his behaviour BTW, just wonder why he is so very worried.

As your DS is so worried about this, I think you should go and speak to the teacher. Not to get the punishment removed, but to A) find out what the punishment actually entails as you don't seem sure and B) to explain to his teacher how worried he's been so s/he is aware of it. I would also be asking why they have delayed a punishment over the weekend rather than dealing with it there and then (child is only 5), as this seems strange to me.