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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have had enough?

22 replies

pitterpattar · 28/06/2015 00:07

Reposting from chat as I had very little in terms of replies and I'm wondering what to do.

I have name changed as I think dh may know my username. I'm also posting here instead of relationships as I want this to disappear. Please be gentle.

We have 2 ds s and I am a sahm. Youngest is a baby. I have a hard time with older ds due to various issues.

His friend has been living with us for 2 months now. It was originally meant to be short term (weeks) but is looking likely to be for a few more months.

He is paying nominal rent, so has little incentive to look for somewhere else.

My issue is that dh is spending very little time with me, and often putting me down in front of his friend, including saying rather inappropriate things.

It has become a real issue between us now. His friend is fine, aside from some minor annoyance which is par for the course when someone is living with you. The issue is how dh is treating me as a result of him living here. I hardly have any adult contact, and would like to spend time with dh just the two of us, rather than him ignoring me to spend time with his friend every night.

We has a big argument about this last night.

I'm just wondering what to do now. If I ask the friend to move out I will be the 'bad guy', but at the same time I am really unhappy with the situation.

Wibu to insist friend moved out?

OP posts:

Fatmomma99 · 28/06/2015 00:22

I'm confused. Sorry. This is a friend of your older DSs?

How old are they? Is there a reason this boy can't go home or stay with other relatives?

Why is this having an impact on your DH?

Sorry, want to help/stick my beak in, but I don't understand your post.

MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig · 28/06/2015 00:25

Do you mean a friend of your dh?

Preciousbane · 28/06/2015 00:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AntiHop · 28/06/2015 00:30

Yanbu. That's a long time to have a guest staying. But your dh doesn't sound like a very nice person. When his friend leaves is he suddenly going to change that? Anyway unless this is a good friend who is having a difficult time and has no other options then it sounds like it's time for him to leave.

NobodyLivesHere · 28/06/2015 00:33

I dont think its unreasonable to want your home back and put a definite time frame on it. I also think you need to make your dh aware in no uncertain terms that his behaviour isn't acceptable and if he doesn't buck his ideas up he can leave with his friend.

Original poster

pitterpattar · 28/06/2015 07:09

Sorry I realise reading back that it wasn't clear.

It to s a friend of dh.

Ds s are both preschoolers.

OP posts:

Original poster

pitterpattar · 28/06/2015 09:45

Bumping

I've tried talking to dh about his friend having been here long enough. He wants him to stay a few months longer. This is not what I signed up for, and is causing a lot of issues between us

OP posts:

TheoriginalLEM · 28/06/2015 09:52

the friend is not the issue - the lack of respect from your dh is! although i couldn't have someone else live with me i take more issue with the way dh is treating you. When the friend goes, the respect still wont be there.

Original poster

pitterpattar · 28/06/2015 09:55

anti the friend was meant to be here temporarily while he was looking for somewhere else. He is working with a reasonable wage, and could easily afford somewhere else, but is continuing to stay with us because he has such a good deal here.

I am also not happy with dh. Things were going really well before the friend moved in though. It's like having a third person in our marriage, which I really don't want after I am exhausted with dealing with dc and their needs.

OP posts:

FenellaFellorick · 28/06/2015 09:56

I think the big problem is your husband's behaviour. Why is he putting you down? What are the inappropriate things he is saying?
Do you challenge him? As soon as he says it, and right in front of his friend, say what do you mean by x / why did you choose to say that to me / I think x is an inappropriate thing to say to me. Etc etc.

Why is your husband playing to his audience of this man and why does he think that it's ok to humiliate you?

Your problem is not the house guest. The houseguest is enabling you to see a disturbing side of your husband. Your husband's behaviour is not normal. You realise that don't you?

Original poster

pitterpattar · 28/06/2015 10:04

fenella I understand the issue is dh too here.

The things he says are pretty personal comments about me, which I would be embarrassed to repeat, but it is enough to say they are both hurtful and inappropriate. I haven't challenged them in front of his friend, as I am quite frankly embarrassed. I have spoken to him alone about it though.

I think dh sees it as some kind of badge of pride that he is like this to me in front of his friend.

OP posts:

Jackw · 28/06/2015 10:18

I bet you've been laughing it off or ignoring it every time he says something horrible. It's easy to let these things slide because you don't want to make a fuss in front of his friend. Time to change your response. Every time, every single time, call him on it. For example, you could repeat it back as a question. Do you think I (insert whatever it was he said)? Be upset. Show you are hurt. Crying in front of his friend will embarrass both of them.

Start doing less for them both in terms of cooking, shopping, laundry, cleaning etc. If he's living in your house long term, he can help out. You have 2 children to look after, they can look after themselves.

Your H is not treating you well and you need to make it absolutely clear to him and his friend that he is making you very unhappy. So no more pretending. Be visibly unhappy frequently until things change. Shame him in front of his friend.

elbowsdontsing2 · 28/06/2015 10:19

well if your not getting any support off your dh you need to take control.
tell the friend hes got x weeks and then hes got to go and in the mean time his rent going up.
if dh kicks off about tell he can piss off with his friend. start showing him the same respect hes showing you

FenellaFellorick · 28/06/2015 10:24

He sounds horrible.
I imagine it changes the way you feel about someone who can treat you like that.
When the friend goes, you won't see that your husband is the type of man who likes to insult and belittle you because he thinks treating you like that impresses people, but he will still be that man.
A decent person does not think it's impressive to humiliate their partner.

You have no reason to be embarrassed. I do understand how hard it would be but truly, turning round and right there and then saying to him "actually you know what? It is unacceptable to treat me this way" would be a good thing.
At the moment, he and his friend see you as someone who it is ok to treat like shit. it must be horrible for you. I don't honestly know how being treated like that wouldn't eventually make you hate the person doing it to you.

I wonder if there would be any point telling him that his repeated humiliation of you is killing your love for him. Or would he not care? He needs to know it's not funny, not clever and only a fellow arsehole would find it impressive.

Fatmomma99 · 28/06/2015 15:34

Right. I get it now.

I suggest you take up a hobby. Something nice for yourself that gets you out of the house for a bit. After all, there are two other adults who could take their share at childcare.
Esp if you are cooking/washing etc for the friend.

And if you don't feel you can call your DH out on his nasty comments, I would pointedly leave the room (and perhaps the house). Although someone once suggested to me, when someone says something that's nasty or uncomfortable that I reply "what? What do you mean? I don't understand. What are you saying?" etc so that they have to repeat it (several times). They do usually rephrase or get embarrassed.

Good luck

Original poster

pitterpattar · 28/06/2015 18:16

fenella I don't think he would care tbh.

fatmomma I would love to do that but my dd is exclusively breastfed, and has never had a bottle. I like having her close, I would just like some adult interaction too!

OP posts:

BabyGanoush · 28/06/2015 18:22

Surely you don't cook and clean for friend, do you?

Please not.

I hope he is cooking and cleaning for you!

.... Is he?

cosmicglittergirl · 28/06/2015 18:27

Tell your H calmly and clearly that you want the lodger to leave explaining why. Explain that you want quality time with him and your children and your home to feel like your home. Hopefully your H will listen and understand, if he doesn't then you could tell the lodger to leave and consider how you will deal
With your H not supporting you. You and the children should come first.

Original poster

pitterpattar · 28/06/2015 18:38

baby I'm doing all the cleaning, and do lots of tidying up after him which does annoy me. Other little things he does annoy me too.

He does cook though. (For himself, sometimes for all of us)

He is isn't the issue, its dh's behaviour with him that is.

Like you said cosmic I want my house back!

OP posts:

cosmicglittergirl · 28/06/2015 18:41

When you argued about it last night, what was your H's point of view?

BabyGanoush · 28/06/2015 18:47

Well, the men are in cahoots. This set up works for both of them, just not for you.

But does your H care about you?

No he doesn't.

So why do you need these 2 mn in your life? Let them be happy together somwhere without you picking up after them.

TRexingInAsda · 28/06/2015 18:52

Kick the friend out so you can work out what's going on in your marriage, however you've seen a side of your dh you can't unsee - if my dh behaved like that I'd take it as a total lack of love and respect. What have you got to lose by kicking out the lodger, your dh is already behaving as if he doesn't like you, and you're doing extra washing and cleaning (WHY????) for nothing.

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