Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hate ex DP having 2 and 4 year old every other weekend?

81 replies

Aloneandtrying · 27/06/2015 14:29

I lost respect for my DP after we had a child 4 years ago as he was so useless with her, I hoped he would be better with Dd2 and he was but still not great. However after dd2 I fell out of love with him, I had a c-section and he did nothing to help with either child while on paternity leave and refused to cook, clean, change a nappy etc. I tried for 2 years but I can't stand him as he does nothing with the children. I split from him 2 months ago, rent a little house by myself and am excited at the chance of one day finding love again. However I spend every other weekend in tears when the dc are with him as I know they are not happy. Oldest dd says they are hungry when with him as he won't wake up to give them breakfast, that he shouts at youngest dd all the time and makes her cry (she is two) that he makes 4 year old look after two year old so ex DP can sit and play computer games :( I know he would get back with me in a heart beat so I don't know if I should get back together so the dc don't have to go through this every other weekend and then leave him when they are self sufficient in getting there own food and have common since regarding plug sockets etc? (Two year old always try to play with plug sockets and I dread to think what will happen with the four year old looking after her). I really don't want to be in a relationship with him but I can't bare to put my little dds through this every weekend. What on earth can I do?

OP posts:
whois · 27/06/2015 14:34

Is the contact court ordered?

Original poster
Aloneandtrying · 27/06/2015 14:35

No. Can I stop him having contact?

OP posts:
GinUpGirl · 27/06/2015 14:35

Can you raise safety concerns with those who have ordered the contact?

Phineyj · 27/06/2015 14:36

If you think they are genuinely in danger through poor care report to social services? At a practical level, send them with packet juice and cereal bars.

Original poster
Aloneandtrying · 27/06/2015 14:36

He has them every other weekend and takes them to McDonald's after work once on the week he doesn't have them.

OP posts:
Original poster
Aloneandtrying · 27/06/2015 14:38

I am happy with him taking them to McDonald's but I don't think he is capable of having them for a whole weekend. Would social services be able to do anything?

OP posts:
Original poster
Aloneandtrying · 27/06/2015 14:39

I would rather he have them one day a week and not over night if that makes sense

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 27/06/2015 14:41

Is this contact something you have decided between you or is it court ordered?

Northernlurker · 27/06/2015 14:42

You need to try talking to him first. No good saying that you don't think he should have them all weekend because he's so crap - that'll just put his back up. Why not approach the conversation from the point of view that you know how demanding looking after little ones is and does he find it quite hard work? It may be that he will be open to rethinking contact. Perhaps every other Saturday and one night during every week? If he has to get up and take them to school etc that would actually be more 'normal' parenting than what's happening now.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 27/06/2015 14:43

If it's not court ordered, then you can change the contact yourself - but be prepared for him to then take you to court to get it back. Depends on how much he wants to get back at you, and how much he really cares about having his DDs.

If you're really concerned about their wellbeing and safety then I think you have reasonable grounds to refuse overnight contact.

Original poster
Aloneandtrying · 27/06/2015 14:43

It's what we agrees on, but I thought he would get his act together but obviously he hasn't! Wouldn't the court order similar contact? I though every other weekend was usual?

OP posts:
Original poster
Aloneandtrying · 27/06/2015 14:44

Sorry cross post

OP posts:
bobajob · 27/06/2015 14:44

Does he want/enjoy having them overnight? I would suggest he continues the MacDonald's night and then has them on a Sunday afternoon. He could just take them out to the park/swimming/cinema or something and then bring them home.

It does mean you don't get a decent break, but if he's lazy and useless it might suit him better and regular, frequent contact might be better for the kids.

You can always suggest to him moving towards overnight when they are more self-sufficient.

gamerchick · 27/06/2015 14:47

Stop the overnight contact for the minute. Would he be bothered enough to take it to court anyway? My ex tried but lost interest in it all quite quickly.

bobajob · 27/06/2015 14:48

If you put it in positive terms to him - so rather than being about how useless he is, suggest it is better for the kids to see him for a shorter time every weekend than a longer time eow, and they can be hard work overnight, might be better to keep them in their regular bedtime routine with you.

morelikeguidelines · 27/06/2015 14:51

I would talk to him about cutting it down (albeit having made the decision that you will cut it down). Put it in terms you think will resonate with him, as you know him well.

I would say keep the McDonald's trip and a short period on the weekend and no over night stay at least til they are older.

Don't get back with him.

Also I would keep a diary of what the 4 year old has said to you so you can explain it at any future court hearing.

Original poster
Aloneandtrying · 27/06/2015 14:51

I think I will try putting it in positive terms of having them every Sunday may be better for him as he will see them more. I didn't realise I had a say. That's good to know thank you

OP posts:
BettyCatKitten · 27/06/2015 14:56

Yanbu, he isn't meeting their needs or caring for them properly. As pp have said get legal advice. You must be very worried when they're with him Flowers

Original poster
Aloneandtrying · 27/06/2015 14:58

They both still wake at night too, oldest dd wets the bed some nights and youngest wanders in about midnight and falls back to sleep next to me. Oldest dd said ex shouts at her when she wets the bed and shouts at youngest dd when she wakes up, she said daddy does let them sleep in his bed when they cry though. He is not heartless just totally useless if that makes sense? I know from when we were together if I went out he would forget to give them lunch or expect them to eat a spicy takeaway curry for dinner after waiting an hour past their bedtime for it. The getting the 4 year old to look after the 2 year old gets me the most. The 4 year old said she gets into trouble if the 2 year old is naughty as she is supposed to be looking after her :( it makes me feel so sad that they are being treated like this. He has also talked about wanting to take them abroad on holiday, where do I stand with that?

OP posts:
bobajob · 27/06/2015 15:01

Do you have their passports? I would stall on the holiday and hope he doesn't push it.

It doesn't sound like he massively enjoys having them overnight. I reckon if you put it in terms of how it will benefit him to see them for shorter, more frequent visits he will go for it. That would be in everyone's best interests.

Purplepoodle · 27/06/2015 15:03

Could they stay at his parents instead so they could monitor the situation

Nevergoingtolearn · 27/06/2015 15:03

You only split 2 months ago so it's early days, I split from my dh 3 months ago and he has on,y just started having regular contact with the dc's. ( they are older so it's slightly easier ), they see their dad every Sunday for the whole day but do not stay over at the moment. One of the reasons I left dh was because he was a useless father but I have to say he is now doing more than he did when he was here ( maybe because he has too ), he might not be great at cooking but a take away or gleans on toast once a week doesn't hurt.

Maybe you could agree to him seeing them one day a week and the odd trip to McDonald's here and there, things may improve, he's probably never had to do anything to look after them so he is adjusting to having to do it all at the weekend. He does sound immature and not great with the kids but he might change once he gets used to having them ( or he might not ).

chippednailvarnish · 27/06/2015 15:04

He is not heartless just totally useless if that makes sense?

He sounds completely vile, shouting at a 4 year old for wetting? Leaving her to look after a 2 year old? He is heartless.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 27/06/2015 15:06

Talk to him first about stopping overnight contact. And once that has stopped, then tell him that holidays this year wouldn't be such a great idea, as the girls still wake in the night/wet the bed etc. Next year would be better (so don't rule it out entirely, just not this year)

SylvaniansAtEase · 27/06/2015 15:12

Jesus no you do NOT have to put up with this!

They are 2 and 4!!

So. You have recently split. You have given him the chance to have overnight contact- proper, parenting contact - and the feedback is that not only is he not up to the job, he is NEGLECTFUL and quite frankly unable to keep them safe.

This is what you do.

You email him telling him that as from now, you are stopping overnight contact, and if he wants to get it reinstated, he will have to take you to court where you will be pleased to work out a suitable solution and a means to ensure that his parenting is adequate and safe and a defined contact order which can reassure you. In particular, the reasons you are stopping overnights are:

  • Safety. He is not adequately supervising them when in his care - for example, he should be awake and with them at all times.
  • Neglect. Children report inadequate feeding/lack of feeding, using the four year old to take care of the toddler while he plays games, and punishing four year old if this is not done adequately.
  • Emotional abuse. Being punished for bedwetting, regularly shouted at in an inappropriate manner.

You recognise that of course contact needs to continue and you support their relationship wholeheartedly in a safe environment. Therefore you suggest:

(e.g.)

  • Saturday/Sunday daytime access to be worked out to a schedule, e.g. every Sunday, every Saturday, every other weekend for both days, whatever;
  • Weeknight contact 1-2 evenings, dinner - whatever.

Keep a record of emails. And DO NOT send them again. It's dangerous - they are far too young to be unsupervised, and as for punishing for bedwetting - bloody hell.

If he takes you to court, say bring it on - I don't want to stop you seeing them, I want you to step up and realise that you don't have sole care of a four and two year old and act like they aren't there and play computer games. If you do, the court is going to hear about it. He'll either step up, or will simply accept it.

Does he actually really want them overnight? Daytime contact could just work better. Hint: it will CERTAINLY work better for him once he has a new partner, I'll bet...