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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hate ex DP having 2 and 4 year old every other weekend?

81 replies

Aloneandtrying · 27/06/2015 14:29

I lost respect for my DP after we had a child 4 years ago as he was so useless with her, I hoped he would be better with Dd2 and he was but still not great. However after dd2 I fell out of love with him, I had a c-section and he did nothing to help with either child while on paternity leave and refused to cook, clean, change a nappy etc. I tried for 2 years but I can't stand him as he does nothing with the children. I split from him 2 months ago, rent a little house by myself and am excited at the chance of one day finding love again. However I spend every other weekend in tears when the dc are with him as I know they are not happy. Oldest dd says they are hungry when with him as he won't wake up to give them breakfast, that he shouts at youngest dd all the time and makes her cry (she is two) that he makes 4 year old look after two year old so ex DP can sit and play computer games :( I know he would get back with me in a heart beat so I don't know if I should get back together so the dc don't have to go through this every other weekend and then leave him when they are self sufficient in getting there own food and have common since regarding plug sockets etc? (Two year old always try to play with plug sockets and I dread to think what will happen with the four year old looking after her). I really don't want to be in a relationship with him but I can't bare to put my little dds through this every weekend. What on earth can I do?

OP posts:
Original poster
Aloneandtrying · 27/06/2015 21:16

Oh I know how useless he is without the 4 year old telling me, I loved him to bits until we had children and saw how he treated them. He buys himself designer clothes and then said we could not afford shoes for them and they would have to wear their too small ones, no money spare for toddler groups even though he could afford takeaway for himself, makes them clean their own teeth, leaves oldest in wet pants, I could go on. I just worry the court system is not very good and I would end up in the same situation. That's the only reason I have thought about taking him back until they are older so they don't have to go through this. I really hate him though so taking him back would be a last resort

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Original poster
Aloneandtrying · 27/06/2015 21:18

I don't mind if I don't get any free time without the kids as I didn't when we were together as I didn't like to leave them alone with him. If I did to go buy nappies etc things like the above would happen :(

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Dragongirl10 · 27/06/2015 22:15

Alone, you sound like a lovely mother, but please be very careful about this, l feel from your post that you are not concerned enough about the risk you are putting your dcs in.

Imagine he is a stranger and think of the way he treats dcs and you may see it differently, currently it seems you are swayed by your previous feelings about him and making excuses for his appalling parenting.

Keep a detailled diary of all the things your dcs tell you with dates, and be prepared to fight for him to have no unsupervised access as he is clearly unfit. I cannot advise on the court system as l have no knowledge, but there must be advice out there.

You need to take quick action before an accident happens to protect your dcs. Be tough and if you weaken imagine what could happen.

Good Luck

cestlavielife · 27/06/2015 23:32

Does your ex work have a responsible job ?
Would he complain if he did not see the dc? Did he ask to have them overnight ?
Would he accept going on a parenting course ?
Why was he able to get away with doing nothing ? If he is a person of normal intelligence he can learn what kids need.

Taking him back as another child until yours grow up and be independent would be nuts.

If you concerned for their welfare stop contact for two weeks. If the dc start asking for daddy or daddy starts asking for them then re instate gradually.

I don't think you should say that only you are capable of looking after them . Over time he can learn.

Original poster
Aloneandtrying · 27/06/2015 23:44

I am very concerned about the situation they are in :( that's why I have asked for advice. It's breaking my heart sending them there every other weekend. I just assumed I had to by law? I am writing a log of everything I can remember that the four year old told me and am going to put it in an email to him saying he can only have contact for one day a week and not over night. And if anything further happens I will stop contact and request supervised contact.

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Starlightbright1 · 27/06/2015 23:51

I too would look at reducing it...The Mcdonalds sounds like a good thing...The EOW... Can you suggest every Sunday meaning no overnights...You can give them a decent breakfast before they go and will be back in time for bed.

If he genuinely isn't interested in the children ( which it sounds like he isn't ) the effort will very soon tale off ..Don't fight any cancellations let them take there course.

This change though is also very new to the girls they will be going through a lot of emotions too

Original poster
Aloneandtrying · 27/06/2015 23:53

Yes hopefully his interest will tail off. I won't fight cancellations I will be relieved if he cancels!

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NeedsAsockamnesty · 28/06/2015 02:06

Why on earth are you going to take a prescriptive dictating approach.

It will put his back up and make him more likely to assert 'his rights'

You got some good advice earlier about tactfully without blame removing the over nights.

Legally you have no more rights to dictate than he does. If you really are determined to take those steps whilst you only have 2 months worth of attempts and the word of a 4yo to rely on and after you started sending the kids despite how dreadful he was with them during the marrige at least get some decent legal advice the childrens legal centre offers it for free or you could call the nspcc talk over your concerns with them that way if things get hostile you can at least say you took advice from a cp specialist

bobajob · 28/06/2015 07:30

For goodness sake, don't email him and tell him you're cutting contact. Your life will be so much easier if you can maintain an amicable relationship with him - if you push him and it does go to court, he might end up with eow anyway.

Suggest the more frequent/less time contacts, sell it to him as a positive. DO NOT start chucking neglect around, laying down the law and threatening court.

Toffeelatteplease · 28/06/2015 07:50

You are getting some shoddy advice here.

Before you send any email listing you're ex faults, contact a solicitor. If your ex kicks up a stink about reducing contact you will most certainly need one. Get there advice on whether your reasons are good enough. I very much suspect not.

If your ex argues that the kids are telling you what you want to hear and they are actually very happy; you can get yourself into a right royal mess.

Bear in mind if the court disagrees with your (pretty flimsy) reasons for reducing contact, eow is now a fairly low level of contact.

In your position I'd hang tight, wait for your ex to pull out naturally. Usually they do, and within 2 years

Toffeelatteplease · 28/06/2015 07:52

Sorry I have better read some of the advice on this page. It is far better

nowttodowithme · 28/06/2015 07:54

Sylvanian talks a lot of sense.

I'd follow her advice and seek legal advice. Let him take you to court, he won't as he cant be arsed.

BrookeDavies · 28/06/2015 07:54

I really agree with not going down a confrontational route - not until you have to anyway.

It sounds like he'd love an out from such intensive care of them without losing face. You have a lifetime of contact with this man, making it a fight now won't help.

For those saying they don't have experience of courts, well there has to be significant reasonable concern of immediate harm for court to stop contact. And then generally it is working towards usual contact by providing support.

At least try the constructive route first, you have nothing to lose. You can't do it the way round.

Original poster
Aloneandtrying · 30/06/2015 20:19

Op here. Thanks for all the advice. I had a chat with him and he agreed to every Sunday daytime and no overnight. He actually looked relieved! I plan to send them with a rucksack that has juice and cereal bars in as well as some toys so if their lunch is delayed they will have a snack to keep them going. Also a big breakfast before they go and a big dinner when they get back!

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gamerchick · 30/06/2015 20:24

Sounds good to me. I'll bet you're feeling well relieved.

Original poster
Aloneandtrying · 30/06/2015 20:35

I felt like I had won the lottery when he said he thought it was a good idea! I am so pleased for my girls. Hopefully Sundays will pass quickly.

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Nevergoingtolearn · 30/06/2015 20:42

Sounds perfect. I send mine to their dads with a bag of things to do, I have sent over craft things and playdough as well as snacks.

My dd's came home Sunday after spending the day with their dad, when I asked them what they had done all day one said 'played on my tablet all day ' and the other one said 'played with playdough on my own' so he didn't actually do much with them Sad.

Starlightbright1 · 30/06/2015 20:46

Glad it is working out..Hopefully the Sundays will be better and they can have a good relationship

BrookeDavies · 30/06/2015 21:25

Oh well done, I am so pleased for you and your DC. That really is the best for everyone (as hard as it is, your kids won't thank you when they're older for not supporting their relationship with their father.)

Let him be the (hopefully) Disney dad and you can get on with the real job of parenting.

Original poster
Aloneandtrying · 01/07/2015 08:24

I hope your dh is remembering your bus fayre in this heat? X

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Original poster
Aloneandtrying · 01/07/2015 08:24

Sorry wrong thread!

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MuffMuffTweetAndDave · 01/07/2015 08:35

That sounds great. If he asks about amping it up in the future, you could always suggest another evening in the week too. It probably is best for them to be seeing him little and often at this young age anyway, so it's not like anyone would be lying or manipulating.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 01/07/2015 11:13

Hurrah for that! Well done, Alone, you handled it just right by the sound of it.

Original poster
Aloneandtrying · 01/07/2015 11:18

Yes good idea to make it little and often if he asks for more contact in the future x

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0x530x610x750x630x79 · 01/07/2015 11:26

takeaway curry for a 2 and 4 year old? Never acceptable IMHO.

so is every parent around the world who lives on curry abusing their child?
as we all know the advice is to eat what the parent eats...

Curry is completely fine for small children, tis a very British idea that children can only eat bland food -- exactly

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