To be angry with DP about this?

[Shinyredbike]

Last year, DP cheated on me. I was completely devastated and we broke up for a few months while he was with his OW but very quickly he realised he had made a mistake and eventually we got back together.

There is no excuse for what he did but things with us were complicated at the time and I understand that he felt differently at that time about us than he does now so I have managed to move past it and things have been good ever since.

I know he still speaks to OW occasionally, they are friends on FB etc, which I'm not particularly happy about but I feel I don't want to be controlling and tell him who he can and can't speak to. It has always seemed that their interactions have been on a very casual, occasional basis up until this point.

Yesterday we were having a conversation about stuff and she came up, she had insulted him joking on a fb post, then said 'love you' in a jokey way. He said it back. Now I'm not overly keen on that kind of thing anyway as I believe if you say you love someone you should mean it but I could see it was just a stupid jokey exchange. It then came out that he had been talking with her quite a bit more than he had previously made out, they had discussed the fact that they miss each other and wouldn't it be nice to meet up (as friends) and catch up at some point etc etc.

Now, I know the likelyhood of him physically meeting up with her is very slim as she has moved to the other side of the country (think, 700 mile round trip) but I am just fuming and so hurt and upset that he is chatting away with her merrily, saying that he loves her (however jokingly), saying that he misses her, wanting to meet up etc. Bearing in mind that this is the person who almost completely destroyed our relationship (obviously he was guilty of that too). I just feel it's so disrespectful of him, like he doesn't realise or care that that might upset me.

I asked him how he would feel if I was having similar conversations with my ex and he said I can 'do what I want'. It felt so dismissive, like he totally doesn't give a shit if I'm flirting with other blokes or not.

It's not like he's engaged in an EA with her (as far as I know), and I know he hasn't physically done anything. He hasn't lied about talking to her. I just feel so angry and upset but I'm not sure why. Aibu?

She knows all about me, she didn't know he was with someone when they got together and messaged me to apologise..then carried on seeing him anyway. And gloated to me about how many times they had had sex.

Her parents knew all about it too, since he stayed at their house (where she lived). His family and friends know what happened with her but don't think they know he is still in contact with her. He got a bollocking off his dm and dsis for it!

What a horrible position to be in OP. I'm really sorry that you had to go through this.

You are in no way being unreasonable. He should be so happy that you took him back that he shouldn't be doing anything to upset you. Still being in contact with this person is out of order and it's awful that he's making you question whether or your you're the unreasonable one for wanting all traces and reminders of the ordeal out of your life.

You need to talk to him and let him know that you're not happy and that he's hurt you, again. It's not that you're being controlling at all, you're just asking for him to respect your feelings which by talking to this woman he isn't doing.

I agree with pp, you need to give him an ultimatum of either stop all contact with her or risk losing you. You definitely deserve to be taken seriously and treated much better than this

YANBU (as everyone has already said!). Since you're a student can you contact student services for advice on accessing a hardship grant or help with finding accommodation?

Your birthday could be a brand new start for you without having to try to second-guess this man-child.

I know it's hard but push aside any thoughts of love just now and think how you would feel if someone was treating your friend like this. You'd tell your friend to dump him and you'd think he was a disrespectful arse. That's who your DP is.

You can't love someone who treats people so badly. I get you have lots of complicated emotions tied up with him but it's not love but I'm starting to think we should ban the word love because it's so vague and it would be much clearer to talk about kindness, caring and respect because there isn't any love if any of those are missing

I think you should leave this man. He does not respect you.

Have you looked to see if there is any support available from the institution you're studying with? Maybe a crisis loan to cover a deposit on a room somewhere?

I have never suggested this to anyone on this site but 100% LTB!
I have been in your shoes and it is soul destroying, and hideous. The only way a relationship can survive an affair is if BOTH people are dedicated to making it work and even then it still might fail.
You are stronger than you think and it might be tough but you will be surprise just how well you cope. Do NOT settle for this life you deserve so much better, go live your life.
There will be a way you just need to find it, if you are at uni you can claim some benefits and with a pt job you will manage. Get out now and by the time you have finished your college course you will have a wonderful new life.

Also, you are absolutely strong enough to go it by yourself if it comes to it. Don't ever feel like you're not! He's made you feel like you need him to survive when in actual fact, it's more like he needs YOU.

Maybe he gets some weird kick out of having so much power over you? Maybe he wants you to do more to please him and is trying to make you jealous? Maybe he's just a scumbag who is completely taking advantage of you? Or maybe he's just an absolute idiot who can't see what he's doing to you or how lucky he actually is to have you?

Whatever it is, you need to let him know you will not stand for it.

No YANBU.

You have done him the immense favour of agreeing to try again and he is simply not sufficiently aware how lucky he is. What a knob! So sorry x

if you lay yourself out as a doormat, dont be too surprised when people wipe their feet on you.

Are you really REALLy wondering why your alarm bells are ringing?

Anyone posting on MN about their relationship when they are under 30, not married with no kids needs to give their head a wobble and move on.

OP, you CAN get out. Do speak to the student office but also look online for people renting out rooms. I used to know someone who rented her spare room to students for a really low rate - sadly she doesn't anymore or I could have tried to connect you - it does happen. There are people who take lodgers and don't require any deposit.

you are free to do as you please - no children, no legal paperwork to undo. And as you are studying, there will be easily accessible social groups and so on for you to join? You have lots of time left to have a lovely life!
Please don't let this idiot hold you back. I see too many people who think life without a relationship is not right. It can be great! Independence is a hugely wonderful thing to have. You can have some for your 30th birthday

If you don't leave him, how do you see the rest of your relationship panning out? Will he become faithful? Will he start to treat you with respect? Why should he do either? And you - you have too little self esteem now, what in 20 years of more of the same? You might not be flush at the moment, but with no financial or child ties, AND the big 30, it's time to take control of your destiny. The Student Union can advise you and point you in the direction of hardship loans, accommodation etc. you can finish your studies, get a great job, place of your own and along the way, you may even meet someone who treats you with adoration and respect.
BTW. You have already gone into education as a mature student. You are supporting yourself on an equal footing even though you're only working part time you are managing your time and accomplishing so much. You're doing great. All the best OP, there's a wonderful future out there. With any luck, you'll look back on 30 with a wry smile and thank your lucky stars for the positive changes you made. A birthday as a single woman is a million times better than one with a douche bag.

As a PP said, I think you should mark the start of your fourth decade by giving yourself a new start. You could have a serious conversation with him ("A year has passed since my heart was broken and I'd like us to discuss our feelings about each other and our future") to determine whether he's truly committed to you and for you to tell him you want him to stop contact with OW.

If the conversation doesn't reassure you then you need to look for a house share or similar as a base from which to start your new life, unencumbered by this selfish man.

Just wondering - you say you have no family or friends you could stay with, so who is coming to your party (apart from his family and friends)? There must be someone you can reach out too, if you've enough friends to have a party. You might be surprised how supportive some of them would be.

I'm not in any way a jealous person; I have close friends who are my exes and have no difficulty with my partner remaining friends with any ex - because those relationships were over (as intimate relationships) BEFORE I met my partner.

I would not be able to tolerate my partner remaining friends with someone he'd been seeing WHILE he was in a relationship with me.

It's always difficult to leave a relationship, but I promise you it's easier to live with a lack of financial security than to live with a person who doesn't respect you. And it's very clear that your partner doesn't respect you. You deserve better.

I'd leave before you are tied down to him.

Are your parents around at all op? Or any other family? Could you ask them for some help...perhaps a loan to get you moved out of there into a house share or something?

This sounds like some kind of twisted emotional abuse, OP.

By taking him back he's been allowed to disrespect you and get away with it and then push the boundaries even more by keeping her as friends on Facebook. You are most certainly not controlling for not wanting your partner to be friends with the woman he had an affair with on Facebook or in real life! It's ridiculous.

I'm sorry for all you've been through, OP. But he's walking all over you and doesn't care, he's shown that by still keeping in contact with that woman. And she had the cheek to gloat?! I would have given that cow a piece of my mind and let her have him, they obviously deserve each other.

My advice OP, is to save whatever money you can and use it to travel to family and friends. You say you have none near by but would you be able to contract any and explain your situation? Maybe ask for a loan of some money to get to them and away from this pitiful excuse for a man and if you do travel you could spend your birthday with people who really care about you.

He is still having an affair with her, it may only be emotional now but his thoughts and desires are for her not for you.

He does not love you and he does not respect you. If he loved and respected you he would not be rubbing your nose in his infidelity, he would be contrite and remorseful.

You are worth so much more than this. Do you really want to live your life as his second choice stopgap until he finds someone else?

Gather up your self esteem and get out now whilst you are unencumbered. Every fb message, every time he mentions her must make you die a little bit more inside. You deserve someone who respects you and treats you as the special person in their life - not this.

LTB!

This man doesnt love or respect you one iota ????

Student welfare. Could they help? Any pastoral care at your school? Anything. Get away form this joy-sucking, feckless arsehole as quickly as you can.

OP let's be clear.

He doesn't love you, he still has feelings for the OW. He is refusing to give up contact and couldn't care less about your feelings.

You are about to turn 30? Is that all? Leave! My god you can do better.

This is the easiest Aibu ever.

Oh and he really is taking you for a mug. Gets to be with you and still be having an emotional affair with the OW? Great! Win win for him!

Like everyone else said!!! Now!!!!

He has zero respect for you & gives less than a shit about your feelings, LTB.

You don't have the right to tell him who he can be friends with. You do need to address why he had the affair in the 1st place and why you don't trust him. I'm guessing you are quite young