To be angry with DP about this?

[Shinyredbike]

Last year, DP cheated on me. I was completely devastated and we broke up for a few months while he was with his OW but very quickly he realised he had made a mistake and eventually we got back together.

There is no excuse for what he did but things with us were complicated at the time and I understand that he felt differently at that time about us than he does now so I have managed to move past it and things have been good ever since.

I know he still speaks to OW occasionally, they are friends on FB etc, which I'm not particularly happy about but I feel I don't want to be controlling and tell him who he can and can't speak to. It has always seemed that their interactions have been on a very casual, occasional basis up until this point.

Yesterday we were having a conversation about stuff and she came up, she had insulted him joking on a fb post, then said 'love you' in a jokey way. He said it back. Now I'm not overly keen on that kind of thing anyway as I believe if you say you love someone you should mean it but I could see it was just a stupid jokey exchange. It then came out that he had been talking with her quite a bit more than he had previously made out, they had discussed the fact that they miss each other and wouldn't it be nice to meet up (as friends) and catch up at some point etc etc.

Now, I know the likelyhood of him physically meeting up with her is very slim as she has moved to the other side of the country (think, 700 mile round trip) but I am just fuming and so hurt and upset that he is chatting away with her merrily, saying that he loves her (however jokingly), saying that he misses her, wanting to meet up etc. Bearing in mind that this is the person who almost completely destroyed our relationship (obviously he was guilty of that too). I just feel it's so disrespectful of him, like he doesn't realise or care that that might upset me.

I asked him how he would feel if I was having similar conversations with my ex and he said I can 'do what I want'. It felt so dismissive, like he totally doesn't give a shit if I'm flirting with other blokes or not.

It's not like he's engaged in an EA with her (as far as I know), and I know he hasn't physically done anything. He hasn't lied about talking to her. I just feel so angry and upset but I'm not sure why. Aibu?

Was it her that moved and brought the physical affair to an end, not his choice at all? Would he still be carrying on if she were more conveniently located, but he wasnt willing to disrupt his own life and career to follow her 700 miles to the other end of the country?

if he really realised his mistake, he would realise there should be no question of staying in contact. They should not only NOT be FB friends, they should be blocked so they dont encounter each other on mutual friends posts. He realised nothing. He just wanted a bit on the side, not a new relationship. And he still wants the thrill of her attention, and likely will only dump her if someone more conveniently available comes along.

I would in no way let him have any contact with her! Sounds like they still have an emotional relationship if it's not a physical one.

Where/how did you live when he moved out before? Why would you be unable to support yourself if you split up with him again? I understand your upset, but none of those things you say are good reasons to stay with a man who cares so little for you. It will only lead to you thinking even less of yourself - and has no doubt contributed to how incapable you're feeling now. Surely a big birthday is a chance to draw a line and make a fresh start? Not looking forward to another year (and beyond) of his shit.

If we broke up I would have no where else to go, I don't have DC's and have no family or friends I could stay with and no money to get a place of my own.

How old are you going to be OP, if you don't mind me asking?

OP view this "big birthday" as a new start! Save enough money to get a flat share (they're not just for students, plenty of people past that age can't afford their own place), where you will make friends! Even get a loan if you have to, so you can afford to move out.

Being afraid of being alone isn't a reason to stay with someone who has no respect for you in the slightest. He's treating you like shit and you know it.

Get out there, start a fresh and find someone who deserves you!

There is not a single reason you've listed that makes it ok for him to walk all over you.

You need to start planning to leave if you can't immediately at the very least but for gods sake don't put up with this shit just because you don't want to be on your own. Your happy is out there and as long as you're with this disrespectful prick you're missing out finding it.

YANBU.
he's a douche. a total wanker, in fact.
i would dump his ass.

we broke up I would have no where else to go, I don't have DC's and have no family or friends I could stay with and no money to get a place of my own.

You have half the money in your accounts, you are married. Even if he earned it, if the account is joint, that indicates half of it is yours. You have half the value of your home and every other asset. I find it hard to beleive you know NO one to stay with, is it only his family invited to your birthday party then? Obviously you know people to stay with.

Besides, why should you go anywhere. He is the one that has discarded hos marriage vows, he is the one that can leave.

You could cancel the party, for any number of reasons, declare yourself ill the day before. Since you dont have DC, and he probably sees this current incident as something he can smooth over, play along with that while you sort your solicitor and finances in the background.

I dont think you really want to give this guy a third chance. He wont get any better, and you deserve better. You want to give a chance to the guy you thought you married, the one who is loyal and loves you. This guy isnt him.

Momagain1 I don't get the impression they are married?

Mom, it was him that ended the affair, about a week after they got together he was begging me to take him back but I didn't until about 2 months later. She only moved away about 6 months after that.

Pink, where I was before I was not working and had HB and so on. Now I am a student and have moved I'm not eligible for any of it. As I'm a student I am only working part time on minimum wage, I have no savings and can't get a loan etc (credit is virtually non existent). I am going to be 30.

Oh, damn. DO not DH.

Still, without DC, you actually can go anywhere, and have options not open to a parent with children.

But, as I said, you dont have to rush. Let this blow other. Let him think he is getting away with it while you research your options and set yourself up.

Stop sleeping withhim, or at least make sure your birth control is reliable.

I don't know that they are married, momagain, but still, no reason why someone with no dependents who is old enough for a big birthday needs to rely on a man for her home and keep.

We are not married, no. We have no joint accounts, don't own any assets and rent the place we live. I'm not even on the tenancy agreement :(

ah, lots of cross-posts. I'm sure it seems impossible, the way you're feeling right now, but there will be a way out. you don't have to put up with this. can you talk to your college/uni about accommodation/financial options? can you work more hours over the summer break (if you have one) and get a place? can you sell stuff? there are lots of ways when you start thinking practically. the important thing is to move on from feeling trapped with this man.

He doesn't pay for my keep, pink, but currently I may only half the cost of all bills, rent, food etc. Since I am a student I can't really up my hours at work (I couldn't anyway as it is only a part time job) so I can't earn enough to pay for it all on my own. I could flat share but I have no money for deposits, moving costs etc.

He's being extremely disrespectful to you. If u have an affair and your partner forgives you then you simu have to agree to anything that will undo the hurt and damage you have caused.
He sounds extremely lacking in boundaries and Id be concerned about the future if I'm totally honest.

If you don't have kids I'm mystified as to why you're still there.

You're not even 30 yet. If he's cheating on you now, what makes you think he won't be cheating once kids come along and his nose is feeling pushed out of joint, or once you're older and flabbier?

Sorry, this is going nowhere for you.

I'm not even on the tenancy agreement

That's a blessing in disguise OP, it means you are free to leave without being chased for any rent for the remainder of the lease.

Can you not get a small loan / credit card / overdraft to cover the deposit in a houseshare?

She might well have know she was moving, or likely to. So it is still possible he came back because he wasnt willing to disrupt his life for her. And who told you he ended it? Him? He isnt exactly trustworthy, is he?

So if he dumped her, why does she still want to be in touch? Why would an unmarried person stay in touch with a unmarried lover who dumped them other than in hopes of eventually winning them permanently? Their affair isnt over, it is just set aside for now.

i assume since she knows him on FB, that she knows about you, and that possibly no one but you and they know of the affair. Either that, or his family and friends are pretty crappy people too, to see she and you both are still in his life. Or they wonder how long you will cling to this sunk ship.

OP, you're only 30! Leave this guy while you still have time to meet someone else and have kids! It's nowhere near to late. PLEASE !

I also got the impression that this a 'partner' not husband.

Bloody hell OP he's chatting away to this woman still?! He misses her?! Well then he can fuck off and see her then and then fuck off some more.

You need to work on your self-esteem - no one should put up with this. Use this birthday as a stepping stone to better things.

You need to get away from him or he'll destroy you. It's what guys like this do. He's doing it now!

Go to your uni/college advice centre and tell them the situation, that you need to get away, that it's impacting on your studies, and get their advice. Speak to a trusted friend or family member and see if they can help in any way.

When I left my ex, I slept on my friends living room floor for a month while holding down a super stressful job. It's doable. I was older than you too! Now I have a fantastic husband and a baby, and it's coming up for my 40th. It's all possible, you just need to believe it and get yourself moving.

If you are a student, getting yourself into a flatshare will really take very little effort, and this is the time of year to do so as there are lots of spaces opening up as people graduate and move on. Ask your classmates and tutors, and check with the University.

You have no DC and no financial obligation to this man. You are completely free to do as you wish.

If you want DCs, you should LTB now, as you won't be having any with him (as he is not that into you) or if you should get pregnant, he will then leave you for someone else at your most vulnerable time (because atm he basically likes the convenience of having you around without actually liking you that much, and you will become more unavailable and 'needy' when you are heavily pregnant and with a young baby).

Yanbu at all, why are you allowing this to happen? You chose to take him back and now he's proved with the contact with her, that you're a doormat. Seriously kick him out, get some counseling about what's a healthy relationship and take care of your emotional wellbeing. He can only make your life a misery as much as he is allowed to.

I really feel for you OP. You are obviously not being unreasonable. In fact it reads as though you've been through so much that you're clinging on to the little that is left. Sunken cost fallacy - you've invested so much in moving on from his previous behaviour that you don't want to end it.

He is showing you exactly who he is r.e. "do what I want." Even the distance between them hasn't curtailed their 'relationship.'

I'd thank your lucky stars that you're not married to him and indeed that you don't have any DC with him. The fact that you're not on the tenancy agreement means you can up and leave without so much as a backwards glance.

If you stay you might end up resenting him in the future. When someone keeps edging away at your boundaries soon you find you have none left. I wonder where you draw the line? It must appear to you that changing your life is going to be a massive up hill struggle but better that than stay with someone who has demonstrated quite flagrantly how little respect he has for you.