To be angry with DP about this?

[Shinyredbike]

Last year, DP cheated on me. I was completely devastated and we broke up for a few months while he was with his OW but very quickly he realised he had made a mistake and eventually we got back together.

There is no excuse for what he did but things with us were complicated at the time and I understand that he felt differently at that time about us than he does now so I have managed to move past it and things have been good ever since.

I know he still speaks to OW occasionally, they are friends on FB etc, which I'm not particularly happy about but I feel I don't want to be controlling and tell him who he can and can't speak to. It has always seemed that their interactions have been on a very casual, occasional basis up until this point.

Yesterday we were having a conversation about stuff and she came up, she had insulted him joking on a fb post, then said 'love you' in a jokey way. He said it back. Now I'm not overly keen on that kind of thing anyway as I believe if you say you love someone you should mean it but I could see it was just a stupid jokey exchange. It then came out that he had been talking with her quite a bit more than he had previously made out, they had discussed the fact that they miss each other and wouldn't it be nice to meet up (as friends) and catch up at some point etc etc.

Now, I know the likelyhood of him physically meeting up with her is very slim as she has moved to the other side of the country (think, 700 mile round trip) but I am just fuming and so hurt and upset that he is chatting away with her merrily, saying that he loves her (however jokingly), saying that he misses her, wanting to meet up etc. Bearing in mind that this is the person who almost completely destroyed our relationship (obviously he was guilty of that too). I just feel it's so disrespectful of him, like he doesn't realise or care that that might upset me.

I asked him how he would feel if I was having similar conversations with my ex and he said I can 'do what I want'. It felt so dismissive, like he totally doesn't give a shit if I'm flirting with other blokes or not.

It's not like he's engaged in an EA with her (as far as I know), and I know he hasn't physically done anything. He hasn't lied about talking to her. I just feel so angry and upset but I'm not sure why. Aibu?

[BuriedSardine]

For your birthday, give yourself the most valuable present you could ever have.

Find out (counselling, reading, research) why your self-esteem is so heartbreakingly low that you are putting up with this terrible behaviour and start taking steps to getting g it up to healthy levels.

Nobody deserves this crap, sweetheart. He's disrespectful to an absolutely astonishing degree.

Save yourself. Nobody else will.

[Momagain1]

OP, just saw your latest.

It appears he was dating you both, and still is.
Once OW knew, she didnt really care. Whether she is as deluded as you and determined to win this prize off you, or is just a general purpose man stealer doesnt matter. She is willing to carry on her relationship, despite him living with you. So is he. He said they were done or let you assume so, I bet, because she had moved. His kind are quite masterful at leading you to believe, and going along with whatever you say based on those beliefs. Not quite lying. Lying by omission. Letting you lie to yourself. Makes it not their fault.

You are living with him. Not married and he never really had long term intentions, but he didnt care if you thought so. Even if he joined in conversations about your joint venture, well, that was just speculation, not proof of commitment. You are a girlfriemd he lives with, and he always expected you might become a girlfriend he used to live with. When you stayed on after the begining of his new relationship, you let him know you would put up with his shitty behaviour. Benefits of marriage without losing the perks of being unmarried. Pretty good deal for him so long as you still think he is your temporarily misguided true love. He isnt. he is a user who strings along at least two women.

The tenancy agreement is in his name, so he has every right to just break up with you and tell you to move out. Instead, he has spinelessly told you you can do what you want. Move, stay, he doesnt care. He intends to carry on his long distance relationship, and will screw you too, if that's on offer. If you choose to interpret this as another reconciliation, as you giving him a third chance, as far as he is concerned that is your decision, and not his problem. He Is fine to have a someone who cooks and cleans as if it is her own home and pays half his bills and shares his bed. Until a new girlfriend who lives in the area expects sleepovers, or to move in. Then you will be surprised at his infidelity all over again, and tossed out on your ass with no notice.

He doesnt care what his family thinks. sounds they are decent people, but that doesnt mean he is. He is a selfish two timing bastard who only cares what he wants. You, the OW, any future W, any future children will always come second to his own comfort and interests. He is that kind of guy.

[NewFlipFlops]

Leave without a backward glance.

[clam]

So, effectively, you're saying that it's only because she lives a long way away that they're not back to shagging meeting up again as friends?

He sounds like a keeper.

[Bellebella]

Bloody hell woman get some respect for yourself.

No way would I take my oh talking to his ex who he cheated with. He has no respect for you. Now I know people will say you should let your oh talk to whoever he likes blah blah blah but the ex in this circumstance is your oh taking the piss out of you. People on his facebook must think it's a right joke. With one woman and telling the other he loves her on FB.

you can do better than this loser.

[OhEmGeee]

What's your bottom line OP? Do you have one?

[Signlake]

If I'd chosen to give my OH a second chance and he then behaved the way your OH is, I'd leave immediately and never speak to him again. Honestly I'd have left as soon as I found out he was still in contact with her. I don't know why you're accepting of this OP. You deserve much more

[Tutt]

Hang on, normal 'rules' and respect of a relationship have been broken here!!
I think that you have every right to tell him no contact with her, this is his fault and if he wants your relationship to work she needs to be gone completely!
He should have broken all ties with her as a sign of love and respect for you NOT carried on being bloody friends...
OP you deserve so much more than this awful man.

[OhEmGeee]

But it doesn't matter what he's been messaging her, the point is he shouldn't be in contact with her at all!

[BringMeTea]

Oh OP. He has done a real number on you hasn't he? You have to leave him but I think you already know this. Screw up your courage. Call friends and family. Leave. Asap.

[Tangerineandturquoise]

It sounds like you want him to love you. But love doesn't do this sort of thing to people.

You only have his word HE ended it don't you-and even if he did, it might just be because she made him wash his own pants or something. Was it you he missed or all the little and big things you do for him to please him, that she CBA to do because she didn't have to.
Or did he go back because his mummy and sister told him to-because that wont make for a happy marriage it really wont

They are goading you on FB- They really are so step away from FB

Go to student services- seek out the finance people- seek out accommodation and seek out uni counselling services.

You may not see it yet but you are worth way more than this-and stop blaming yourself for his choices, which is what they were, his choices.

[Pastaeater]

Feel for you OP and wish you all the best - this is a horrible situation for you and he needs to massively step up if he wants you to stay with him.

[MasterchefIwish]

Better to be alone and crying this year then be stuck with someone who disrespects you and doesn't care for you. You will be crying every year because this man will not make any better a husband then he has a boyfriend.

Tell him that it still upsets you and that his contact with her implies he thinks more of her then your relationship. If he tries which he will to turn it on you, accuse you of things and make you feel controlling, then you'll see how little he cares.

[CrapBag]

Just another one to add that he doesn't respect you and you should leave him.

His actions are speaking volumes. He is telling the OW that he loves her (yeah right they are joking ), say he'd like to see her again and that he misses her and that he wouldn't mind if you wanted to do the same.

If he genuinely wanted to make it work with you he would have cut all ties whilst he was trying to get you to go back with him.

You are better than this. He doesn't deserve you.

[TheDowagerCuntess]

You can stay with him if you like. But you'll never be happy.

You think it will be hard without him. But life will be much harder and unhappier with him.

The sooner you cut him loose, the sooner you stand a chance of things improving. They never will while you're with him.

Good luck.

[Littlegreyauditor]

Jeepers OP, where to start?

He doesn't love you, he was shagging around on you, risking your sexual health, your self respect, your home life. He left you, then begged to come back but is still in a relationship with his shagpiece?

AND YOU THINK THAT IS WHAT YOU ARE WORTH?!

You are better than that, you are stronger than that and you need to stop wimpering in a corner, trying to be cool with his relentlessly shitty and disrespectful treatment of you. Take back your life pet and leave him to his 'affair'. She is desperate enough and insecure enough to tally up all the times they've shagged and gloat about it? Damn that's aspirational, right there. Everyone in school must be soooo jealous.

As a 30th birthday present to yourself, get rid. You are not trapped anywhere other than in your head.
(Personally I would dump his ass in front of all your friends/his family at the birthday event, probably with a short PowerPoint presentation featuring screenshots of texts, Facebook messages etc...but then I am a vindictive cow, and you seem better than that.)

[Optimist1]

Good script, Sylvanians !

[ScrambledEggAndToast]

If there is one person that you have the right to be controlling over who your 'D'P can speak to then I think it would be this woman. You have given this sad excuse for a man an amazing chance to come back to you and he is basically throwing it back in your face. 'Jokingly' saying 'love you'!! Yeah right. Even if he's not having it off with her he'll be having it off with someone else and you're giving him the green light.

LTB ASAP!!!

[SylvaniansAtEase]

Wow. Just wow. There is NOTHING to be said except that if you have the slightest smidgen of self-respect, you will dump this loser right now.

'What are you doing?!'

'Me? Oh, packing. You know you said I could do what I want? I'm moving out. Into a house share. Realised I can do better than a shit like you. Sorry, meant to mention it.'

[grumpybear68]

You need to think about preparing for life without him - move on.

Lots of self help out there, but you can't go on like this.

So in a way, YABUR, but to you, not him.

[wannaBe]

op, don't give him an ultimatum, make it very clear that you are not prepared to be with someone who is still in contact with the ow any more.

The only way to move on from an affair is for the one who has cheated to cut all contact with the other party. But that has to come from them because if it is demanded it is often done with resentment and can rarely be upheld. So I would say to him "look, if you'd genuinely wanted me back, if you really wanted to make our relationship work you would have stopped all contact with the ow because you would have wanted to do whatever it took to make things work between us. But you were unable and it seems unwilling to do that, and therefore I will not compete with her any more. It's over." if he genuinely loves you and wants you to work, he will then cut contact with her of his own accord, but I suspect he won't.

And then I would write/text/call his family and say to them "I have ended it with x because in spite of everything he is still in contact with the ow and is still telling her that he loves and misses her. I won't be second best."

And then move on with your life.

[AyeAmarok]

Fool me one, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

Why do you think so little of yourself OP? Why do you think this is the most you deserve?

[youareallbonkers]

You don't have the right to tell him who he can be friends with. You do need to address why he had the affair in the 1st place and why you don't trust him. I'm guessing you are quite young

[BolshierAyraStark]

He has zero respect for you & gives less than a shit about your feelings, LTB.