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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

About bridesmaids shoes?

96 replies

mummyrunnerbean · 26/06/2015 08:06

Getting married two weeks on Saturday and am worried I'm being bridezilla-ish, so just want to check before I reply to this:

DP's two nieces are being bridesmaids. A few weeks ago I told them the sort of shoes I wanted them to get and left it to the older one/ SIL to sort out, and said I'd pay them back. SIL's just emailed me to show me the ones they've chosen and older DN's are fine but I really don't like younger DN's... WIBU to email back to say I don't really like them, and if they're the ones she really wants she can wear them for the reception but not the ceremony, and suggest alternatives? I really don't want to be dictatorial and it seems ridiculous to be getting het up about a seven year-old's footwear choice, but I really don't like them. I will obviously pay SIL back regardless, and at the end of the day it's up to her/DN! Just worried I'm BU to object!

OP posts:

TheOriginalWinkly · 26/06/2015 10:02

I don't think sending the email malenky suggested is making a big deal of it or embarrassing. It's polite but firm. Your cash, your choice of shoes.

Mamus · 26/06/2015 10:38

Who's going to spend any time at all looking at one of the bridesmaids feet? They're just shoes. Try to concentrate on the actual marrying-the-person-you-love bit and forget about the someone-in-the-room-wearing-shoes-you-dislike issue.

Fatmomma99 · 26/06/2015 10:49

I agree with Sebsmum.

And I think the sandals are REVOLTING! Bluerrgh!

But I think the key is that SIL has a new-born. It's a mission to ask her to trek out again.

I think the best solution is get your DN's size and let them know you'll be picking up some white ballet pumps for the photos (and maybe the service too [in which case you'll need to know width too]) and, of course, she'll welcome to wear her shoes for the rest of the day, and OF COURSE you're paying for both the sandals and the pumps.

Have a lovely day, and for me YANBU because I think those sandals are disgusting.

diddl · 26/06/2015 10:58

I think it also depends how it came about.

Perhaps there's a father who could have taken the girls shopping?

I don't really like the idea that the 7yr old gets her way by making a fuss, if that is what has happened.

I don't see why she shouldn't wear exactly as requested, as the other bmaid is.

AwakeCantSleep · 26/06/2015 11:02

How you even have the energy to get involved into a seven year-old girl's footwear is beyond me. No-one will care. Seriously. I don't like those shoes either, but then people have different tastes in shoes. She likes them. Let her wear them. You are probably stressed enough as it is.

RandomFriend · 26/06/2015 11:10

If you would like your bridesmaid to wear white ballet pumps and you are paying for the shoes, the niece should get the shoes that you prefer.

I don't like those sandals either and if the dress is short they will show.

shirleybasseyslovechild 's suggestion of how to handle it is a good one, as is that from Fatmomma99 if you can afford both pairs.

SaucyJack · 26/06/2015 11:11

I couldn't agree less Diddl

I don't see why she shouldn't get to wear what she wants on her own feet. Seven year old's are not renowned for their subtle Parisian chic, but if they make her happy why not let her crack on with it?

Pretty sad to get into a power struggle with a small child over a perfectly adequate pair of shoes, just because you can.

CordeliaFoxx · 26/06/2015 11:13

Can you not order some white ballet pumps yourself online, then on the day if the sandals look horrendous you have a back up - like you said she can always wear the sandals at the reception/do.

DelightfulFunky · 26/06/2015 11:16

Honestly, don't even think about it for a second longer. No one will care what the 7 year old wears on her feet. Very nice of you to pay though. Hope you have a great day.

CrystalCove · 26/06/2015 11:20

YANBU, of course you want colours all to match etc.

100sanemum · 26/06/2015 11:21

Good lord, YABVU.

And yes, people would think that in real-life too!

They are shoes for a seven year old.

If you were so obsessed with such inconsequential details then you should have brought them yourself - as in gone into a shop and bought them.

Your SIL has a newborn, and two other kids, she will have much more important things to do than fuss about a seven year-old's shoes.

Why don't you just buy the shoes you want her to wear? But if she now has her heart set on the sandals, don't fight about it. It really is an irrelevant detail (in RL as well as on mumsnet!)

CrystalCove · 26/06/2015 11:25

Its a bit unfair to say OP is "obsessed with inconsequential" details just because she wants everything to match in the photos and has said she wanted white shoes.

100sanemum · 26/06/2015 11:28

Sorry but I think a seven year-old's footwear is inconsequential!

CrystalCove · 26/06/2015 11:30

Just have to disagree with you there then! Maybe normally but not at a wedding when they are part of the wedding party!

rookiemere · 26/06/2015 11:37

I actually think they're quite nice - for a 7 year old girl mind.

I can see both sides Dneice saw said shoes, really liked them, did the old can I, can I, can I MUM, puhlease. Sleep deprived DSIL buys them thinking they don't look too far off spec, then gets home.

She's emailed you them to check. I'd cut her a whole bunch of slack as she has a newborn and she is generally a nice person, plus I'm the kind of person that doesn't really care about matching shoes too much.

If you really feel its important, but don't want to ruffle feathers, then I think the right thing to do here is respond with something like "They do look pretty, but would you mind if I bought a pair of white pumps for the official photos as I did want everyone to match - say like this www.clothingattesco.com/shoes+sandals/f+f-leather-look-ballerina-pumps/invt/az512184&bklist=icat,4,shop,catgkids,kids-footwear?&sc_cmp=tp1_ppc_g__&kpid=5054402635525&gclid=CICc3PuUrcYCFSQHwwodfgMIPA Let me know DN's size and I'll get them and I'll give you the money for the other ones, or if it isn't too much of a faff do you want to get them."

The original ones are F&F so can't be too expensive.

wonderingsoul · 26/06/2015 11:37

sorry but just because she has a newborn doesnt mean shes not able to pick up a pair of white pumps.

it would have took less time for her to find white pumps said here try them on they fit great this is what your wearing then letting a seven year old choose what sandles to wear.

ynbu. yes shes seven and yes people wont carwbif they dont match but youv paod for them, asked for white pumps ynbu to care that they wont match and they will clash horribly and it would bug me.

id pick a cheap pair of white pumps and ask herbto wear them on the day. and let them know that so the girl knows not to look forward tonwearing them.

AwakeCantSleep · 26/06/2015 11:38

Sorry but I think a seven year-old's footwear is inconsequential!

Totally agree.

(Must say I have a deep aversion to matching dresses/shoes/napkins/hairbands/doorbells/dog collars. Couldn't imagine anything more boring and bland. The 7 year-old's imagination is obviously as yet untarnished by John Lewis wedding lists and the like. Long may it last!)

longjane · 26/06/2015 11:40

Shoes have fit . A child is walking around needs shoes that stay on her feet and are safe to wear. When shopping for Kids shoes you need to go with them .
7 years old also can refuse to wear shoes they don't want wear.

Runningupthathill82 · 26/06/2015 12:07

Bluebananas - you sound a bit bats.

Yes, IRL lots of people don't care about colour schemes/favours/dresses/people being all matchy-matchy.

In fact, when my sister got married last year I don't think she even asked me what DS (pageboy) was going to wear on his feet. And I (bridesmaid) could also wear whatever shoes I chose.

Don't presume that everybody has colour schemes and matching outfits and all that jazz at a wedding. Because not only is it becoming less common, but often those who do worry about the details prior to the event don't notice them on the day anyway.

A seven year olds shoes are so, so minor a part of a wedding day that it certainly isn't worth a fuss over. Now, if the groom was wanting to wear those shoes, the OP would have more of a point.

Olddear · 26/06/2015 12:22

I think people will notice. It would be hard not to. White ballet pumps they ain't! Personally, I would prefer she wore the shoes I'd asked her to.

PrimalLass · 26/06/2015 12:32

And I think the sandals are REVOLTING! Bluerrgh!

They are a pair of sandals. Hardly REVOLTING. Poverty, child abuse, homelessness - these are things that are revolting.

SorchaN · 26/06/2015 14:45

When I got married it didn't occur to me to think about the bridesmaids' shoes; I assume they just wore shoes they already had. It was nearly 20 years ago and I can't remember what they wore on their feet. I don't think any of the photos show anyone's shoes either. So I guess what I'm saying is that it wasn't important to me at the time, and hasn't seemed important since. Having said that, I had a million things to think about, so I guess it was a blind spot.

Clearly the bridesmaids' shoes are more important to you than they were to me, and that's fair enough. Since they are important to you, I think it's ok to tell your sister-in-law that you would prefer white ballet pumps, and offer to find some in your niece's size, but also bear in mind that the sandals might be your niece's idea of the perfect thing to wear to her auntie's wedding, which she's probably very excited about. Maybe she thinks they're the most beautiful sandals in the world (my daughter would have thought this at 7).

So I wonder if the answer is to give your niece a call and ask her how she came to decide on them. If she says she really really loves them, maybe consider making an exception to your colour scheme just for her. You might also explain about wanting everything to match for the photos, and ask her if she could wear a pair of white shoes (that you'll bring for her) when the photos are being taken.

I hope it all works out for you!

SirVixofVixHall · 26/06/2015 14:50

It does matter, its your wedding. And your choice. The shoes look far too adult for a 7 year old and if they clash with the dress then they will look horrible and drive you mad in every wedding pic. Ask nicely if she can have what you want instead, and sort them out for her.

BackforGood · 26/06/2015 15:11

I wouldn't give it a second thought, tbh - It's not like she's wanting to wear spotty wellies or some kind of oversized doc martins.
They wouldn't necessarily be my choice but no-one is going to be bothered that a 7 yr old has different tastes in fancy sandals from what they might have chosen.
Just let it go.

AdeleDazeem · 26/06/2015 15:23

Would this work? Get her the shoes you want her to wear (the ones Whatcha linked were lovely) and also get the really, really lovely ones that the girl herself picked out and give them to her for a bridesmaid gift (if you're doing bridesmaid gifts).

That way SIL isn't out of pocket for the white shoes and DN gets her nice shoes. Maybe give them to her (or let SIL give them to her) on the morning of and tell her she can wear these after ceremony/pics. Hopefully she'll be delighted with her new shoes and happy with that compromise.

Best of luck with the big day.

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