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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To consider this...

25 replies

LilyKiwi · 21/06/2015 06:49

We are currently living abroad (very abroad as in the other side of the world) while I'm on maternity leave and due home on the 1st August so I can go back to work and ds1 will be starting local school in September. Dh work have asked him to stay until end of October / early for a cash bonus of 12k. Basically when we go back to the uk we will be seriously, seriously skint after Childcare and both me and dh are well into overdrafts / credit cards (a house renovation cost much more than we expected) I think my boss would be ok with it, but my major concern is ds1 starting school late and I just don't feel I could do this to him. He's a confident little boy and has made lots of friends in a lovely pre-school here and joined a class where the kids had known each other for years, but school is very different. The idea of relieving out financial stress just feels like it would make our quality of life so much better, no more sleepless nights! What would you do? Am I horrible to be considering this?

OP posts:

InNeedOfANap · 21/06/2015 06:51

I think it's one month and would improve your life so much take a lot of stress of your family when moving is stressful enough and a move across the world is a lot more so I would do it, it's a massive amount of money for one month

Anon4Now2015 · 21/06/2015 06:55

Can you and your son not come back in time for school to start and your DH follow you a couple of months later? This is what friends of mine did in exactly this situation.

cailindana · 21/06/2015 06:56

Horrible? Of course not. Missing a couple of months of reception won't make any difference to your DS but having parents who are less stressed will make a lot of positive difference. It's an obvious choice really.

Original poster

LilyKiwi · 21/06/2015 06:58

I was thinking this, things that worry me are the huge journey with a baby and a 4 year old on my own, 24 hours in the air without stops, and that are house is packed up in storage, I don't have family in England so would have to move us back in with the children and don't drive, but these things are still doable and maybe the answer.

OP posts:

Original poster

LilyKiwi · 21/06/2015 06:59

Thanks so much for your responses. I don't see a similar offer happening anytime ever... But this is helping work it out in my head.

OP posts:

FlopismyMantra · 21/06/2015 07:00

Is it 12k after tax? Will dh still be paid regular salary for the extra weeks? Do you have to change notice on your current accommodation?

If you would gain an extra twelve grand, not have any extra expenses and the only issue is your son missing the first month of reception I'd do it. Kids are wonderfully resilient.

Original poster

LilyKiwi · 21/06/2015 07:01

Sorry I can normally make some sort of grammatical sense, not while typing on a phone it seems.

OP posts:

MillionToOneChances · 21/06/2015 07:03

I think your son would be less upset by starting reception a bit late than by all the turmoil of coming back without daddy.

Original poster

LilyKiwi · 21/06/2015 07:06

12k after tax as a one off bonus on top of normal salary, we could extend our current rental house. My real concerns is ds forever being the school outsider but he is very good at making friends on the up side.

OP posts:

Original poster

LilyKiwi · 21/06/2015 07:10

MillionToOneChances, I'm also thinking starting late will probably be a less stressful experience than being without his daddy 3 months. He has a November birthday so was hoping a big class party might break the ice for him if we do it. Just breaks my heart a bit to think of him starting a class with strong established friendships and being really left out but I'm a total wimp in that way.

OP posts:

WhataMistakeaToMakea · 21/06/2015 07:16

I would stay out there - most schools to a phased start anyway and the children are only in half days with half the class for a month so by the time you come back they may not have even begun full days as a whole class so won't be settled friendship wise etc anyway.

IsItStupid · 21/06/2015 07:18

I would stay for October in your situation. With the November birthday it could work quite well and you could send in cake for him and hold a big party. The 12k sounds worth it!

BlanketOfStars · 21/06/2015 07:19

It takes months for children to settle into friendship groups and they're always evolving - he'll be fine! Plus everybody wants to befriend the new kid.
It's a no brainer

VoldemortsNipple · 21/06/2015 07:23

Don't worry. Four year olds, especially boys don't make strong bonds in reception. They all play together or play with whoever happens to be in block, maths, role play area at the time. If anything, your ds could be at an advantage as the kids will see him as a shiny new person to play with.

If you decide to come back late though, make sure you inform the school and ask them to hold his place.

TheyreMadITellYouMaaaad · 21/06/2015 07:30

We moved to a different town (OK, not quite the same as half-way around the world ) when dc1 was in Reception. Friday he went to the school he knew and loved, with several good friends, Monday he was a total stranger in a new school where all his peer group had already had their birthday parties.

And I was heavily pregnant.

Yes, it was tough at first. He missed his old school and his friends, but the school were excellent about integrating him and helping him settle in. Other parents were very sympathetic of our newness, and we had plenty of play date invitations even though friendship groups were already established. This helped both my dc and myself make friends.

Ultimately, dc1 was very happy at his new school and did very well.

So IMO no hesitation: stay the extra months.

Original poster

LilyKiwi · 21/06/2015 07:33

Thank you all for being so reassuring. Yes I will need to speak to the school and hope they would hold his place, I would also need to talk to my boss which is a whole other conversation! My mil said we would be selfish to consider it, but she is wholly unaware of our financial situation as dh always gives the impression to my in laws that we are doing really well, so she is coming from it from an entirely different perspective. She misses the children a lot which is tough.

OP posts:

CycleChic · 21/06/2015 07:41

If your dh stayed and you went to the UK for the start of reception, would your Mil be able to help with unpacking, etc? (Even just taking the kids so you can do things without them underfoot ) when you said you didn't have family, I'd assumed that you meant both sides - the inlaws ARE your family now!

Original poster

LilyKiwi · 21/06/2015 07:55

They are in West Wales and we are in London and my MIL has health issues which means my FIL can't leave her, so we always visit them, but just as guests if that makes sense.

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HypodeemicNerdle · 21/06/2015 08:03

We made the exact same move, without the enormous financial boost 3 years ago. Our DC were 5 and 7. They started school around Easter so very late for the school year. DS who went into reception had never been to school so he was behind all his classmates. His teachers worked with him and swiftly caught him up academically. It took him a bit longer to find his social niche but, as others have said, friendships change a lot in reception anyway.
Can you explain to your MIL about your finances and why this month would make such a massive difference to you?

legolegolego · 21/06/2015 08:03

I thought the same as blanket
Plus all the children will have only just started back after half term and will be settling back into it again alongside your son.
Honestly, do it. Get him to take in some souvenirs from the country you're in for Show and Tell :)

LIZS · 21/06/2015 08:17

Could dh not make the trip back with you then fly back to work.

haveabreakhaveakitkat · 21/06/2015 08:39

In my experience it's the 'new' children at school at primary age who the other children clamour to play with! He'll be the centre of attention. Stay for the extra time and travel back together.

MammaTJ · 21/06/2015 08:49

Friendships in reception year are really fluid and not at all set in stone. They will easily accommodate a friendly, happy little boy joining them three months in to the school year.

This money has potential to relieve a lot of stress. Stressed parents do impact on children.

Stay as a family, then move together when the money is yours!

arethereanyleftatall · 21/06/2015 09:00

I would defo get dh to stay for the extra )12k. Definitely. Then how I worked around it would be the debate. Start reception late, or go gone alone. Neither would be great but both are worth £12k.

SavoyCabbage · 21/06/2015 09:19

They say it's a small world and I'm starting to think that must be true as bizarrely I am in a more than similar situation!

We were supposed to be going back before September too. Yesterday in fact so our two dc could see their new schools before they break up.

My dh also doesn't want to go until October as he is getting his work bonus then!!!

We looked at us all going now (yesterday) and him coming back after two weeks till October.

And we looked at us three going back in August some weren't separated for too long.

One of my friends sat me down and told me that I was focussing too much on the school starting dates. That my do would be much happier living all together with their family in the house they have lived in for years, than they would be starting school on time.

So that's what we are doing. We are going on the 20-something of October then going from there.

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