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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to think that 'Mid-life Ex-wife' is a very depressing column?

161 replies

grumpysquash · 20/06/2015 21:42

Published each week in the Sat Guardian (and online) by 'Stella Gray'. This lady is 50 and dating after a divorce. The guys she meets appear to be dreadful and rude and she has incredibly low self esteem. This week it was written to suggest that once the date saw her thighs (through her clothes), he clearly wasn't interested any more. And a couple of weeks ago she slept with a slightly younger guy (42) who afterwards (the same night) broke up with her by text saying that he felt in a different generation to her.
For some reason, I compulsively read it each week. But I want to cry sometimes. Surely dating at 50 isn't as bad as that (someone please tell me a nice story)? I have lots of friends who are over 50, lovely, engaging, funny and sexy. That is more usual, right????

OP posts:
MrsHenryCrawford · 21/09/2015 10:53

Hackmum-i read the exact same articles from the guardian!

Muckogy · 21/09/2015 11:00

she should read the book "He's just not that into you".
therein lies the truth.
she also needs to stop leaping into the bed with them as quick as she meets them.

Preminstreltension · 21/09/2015 11:06

Agree re Bel Mooney. She was brilliant in the Times and they've dumbed her down in the Daily Mail.

I love the Saturday Guardian - it's the only time I buy it. Loads of thoughtful interesting stuff and I read that review of Matt Ridley's book too (and Shock that he blamed bureaucratic meddling for the downfall of Northern Rock). I generally find the Review too highbrow for me and have barely ever heard of any of the writers in it but there's the odd good piece and the rest of the paper is great.

Agree about Stella though. Texting should be banned - it's for teenagers or checking with your DH whether there's any milk in the fridge while you are at the shop - not for developing relationships and especially not when you are so needy.

Racundra · 21/09/2015 11:08

Well maybe she wants sex? Why shouldn't she?
However, she needs to separate the need for that from her desire for a LTR. OLD sounds horrific.

ShebaShimmyShake · 21/09/2015 11:16

She's a brilliant writer and a terrible dater, which is why the column is so good.

Scremersford · 21/09/2015 12:00

Its badly written shit. I looked at it, read the headline "Relations with Roger Progress, but does the Sex Rise to the Occasion? We ended up in bed, but giggling as we kept throwing out cushions, and the dog came in to have a look and had to be evicted, making us giggly again". Its like she only has a choice of one adjective, check safety-catch Guardian reader codewords of "cushion" and "dog" to make it sound less sleazy and don't bother writing proper sentences.

I actually find all this woe is me, my best is past me, stuff playing to a stereotype. In reality, I know several female friends who have met genuinely nice and kind (and good looking) younger men after divorce.

"His home was actually part of a house, a small flat" - gosh, so its a flat in a sub-divided house. How comment-worthy.

"I was leaning against a worktop in his kitchen as he scissored the ends off green beans, as he half withdrew the chicken to put rosemary and sea salt on it."

"I was half-dozing when I heard the main door opening and closing. It was Roger’s son, calling out – “Dad?” Roger dressed swiftly and went into the hall, and had a conversation with him about the day, and didn’t say anything about me, the woman in his bed."

Err, no. Presumably he doesn't want to introduce his son to a woman he has just failed to shag and is lying on his bed half naked? How odd is this woman?

Wtf does the silly cow do online dating anyway and not do some sport or pastime, which would help her meet normal people and maybe help her do something other than moan about the size of her thighs? Some things never change - shagging anyone that will have you was never a good idea when you were young if you wanted to meet a "nice man", and it still isn't when you're older.

Birdsgottafly · 21/09/2015 12:05

I'm 47 and just started OLD, I haven't gone on a date, because as I was starting chatting, we had a massive family crisis.

I read ML/EW hoping to be able to defend her, but she is desperate and very lacking in awareness and knowledge.

Even her dismissing his impotency, was dreadful, especially for someone her age.

I hate the responses of "why can't she be happily single", though. That's a personal descion which shouldn't be questioned by others. I've been single for two years, but want weekends etc away with someone who I'm having sex with.

I don't just want sex, ive had a FWB set up and that would suit me, but so many men need to game play.

We're over the family crisis but I don't know if it's to late to now message back, six weeks on.

grumpysquash · 24/09/2015 14:47

Joining in a bit late, but I really like the Sat Guardian for all the reasons mentioned above. Except this column (although I'm still reading it). I think we must be due a new columnist in the next couple of months, so am expecting a sprint finish, so to speak.
Sigh.

OP posts:
InTheBox · 27/09/2015 12:20

This week she's become a stalker, christ on a speedboat. I need to stop reading that column.

grumpysquash · 27/09/2015 12:36

InTheBox, yes me too. I despair. I mean, it was good that she got chatting to a nice man who she found attractive, but really, hanging out in the coffee bar all the time all dressed up? And then the one time she bumps into him, she scuttles off and ignores him. What sort of message does that give, if not "I'm completely disinterested". I bet you a quid he just had a nice conversation and didn't think any more of it (which would be a normal reaction).
Scary stalker. I'm not sure I would even cultivate a friendship with this lady, if I happened to know her in RL.

OP posts:
FirstWeTakeManhattan · 27/09/2015 13:05

I love the Saturday Guardian, but I almost read her column through my fingers these days. Agree the texting has to stop, and a bit more actual grown-up chatting should happen.

Btw, who misses Lucy Mangan? I used to love her column. I can't abide the try-hard new(ish) features (Cerys Music Dr/whatever and the urban tribe thing). They both seem desperately forced. They replaced her wit and excellent writing with pointless half-arsed ideas.

hackmum · 27/09/2015 13:23

I think the Stella Grey column is well-written. I almost always find it entertaining, but I also think we should all take it with a massive pinch of salt.

There is clearly a story developing in the column - it has a narrative to it, and it ends each week with us wanting to know what happens next. It's a little bit reminiscent of the Bridget Jones column (before it became a novel) in that respect, which makes me wonder if it isn't largely fictional. There's certainly a lot of embellishment. If you imagine what actual online dating is like, it's probably awfully boring a lot of the time, with nothing much to tell. But Stella has a column to file each week so she has to have something interesting/appalling/humorous to share.

I think we should all stop worrying about her chronic lack of self-esteem, and start enjoying the story.

hackmum · 27/09/2015 13:24

Also - delighted to discover that there are other people who enjoy the Saturday Guardian and even read the Review section! My DP doesn't read the paper so there's no-one else I can have a conversation with about it.

ShebaShimmyShake · 27/09/2015 13:32

I do think Stella is self aware. She's a good writer, so she's not going to tell us explicitly that she's desperate and lacking self esteem...she lets it show in her writing so we can draw our own conclusions. I also don't think the column is fictitious (although I'm sure some elements are spun a bit to make the story compelling. For the most part it sounds entirely believable to me.). She just knows how to spin a yarn and where to stop before the next instalment; again, good writing.

It's very mistaken to think that talented, self aware writers must necessarily be trying to present themselves well. This is probably more interesting to read that someone who's genuinely blase about the whole thing (and I don't see how you could write a good column every week without any personal investment in it).

She has said that she writes only about a quarter of what happens; in one recent column she even said that most of her dates were not very interesting to read about. Surely it's obvious why she'd focus on the ones that look as if they might be going somewhere?

TamaraLamara · 27/09/2015 13:37

I don't think there is a developing narrative, hackmum. The Stella 'character' hasn't developed at all or acquired an ounce of self-awareness, from what I can tell, nor does the column appear to be heading towards any sort of denouement or climactic event.
It's just a 'rinse and repeat' of a woman desperate for a relationship hounding men who aren't interested and making herself miserable in the process.

LisbethSalandersLaptop · 27/09/2015 13:40

I would find it depressing, from what you have all said, that a 50 year old woman was making 'meeting a man' the point of her life, and stressing about her thighs. Didn't we do all that in our 20s?

ShebaShimmyShake · 27/09/2015 13:44

I don't think self consciousness about looks is limited to one age range. And Stella has apparently been told, directly and indirectly, on many occasions, how much men value physical appearance (because of course nothing in our culture caters to that already!). But by her own account she has been rejected on looks alone several times, so I don't think it's hugely unreasonable that she might become self conscious about it.

Not to say I think she should entertain these creeps either, just that I can understand why she'd feel sensitive. Anyone is vulnerable in dating.

Also, I don't think meeting a man is the purpose of her life, but it's certainly the purpose of the column, which is all we have to go on. She certainly seems to have plenty of friends and her career must be successful if she's writing for the Guardian.

LisbethSalandersLaptop · 27/09/2015 13:48

sheba I seriously doubt she is a real woman any more than Bridget Jones was Grin.
But this is the image of a 50 year old woman that is being presented to us, and personally I find it depressing.

BrendaandEddie · 27/09/2015 13:52

that hanging around hoping men saw you reminds me of me in my 20s

If I ever dated again makes cross sign i would be ICE QUEEN

hackmum · 27/09/2015 13:57

ShebaShimmyShake "Also, I don't think meeting a man is the purpose of her life, but it's certainly the purpose of the column, which is all we have to go on. She certainly seems to have plenty of friends and her career must be successful if she's writing for the Guardian."

Exactly. The Guardian doesn't hire any old person to write these anonymous columns. Living with Teenagers was written by Julie Myerson. Dulcie Domum was written by Sue Limb. Treasure was written by Michele Hanson. etc. I'd bet my last dollar that Stella Grey is a very well-established and successful freelance writer.

Yes, she is insecure and I can see why people don't like that. But it's honest, isn't it? A lot of women I know - perhaps the majority - are hugely insecure about their bodies. Personally if I had to start dating again now I would hate it. In fact, I would hate it so much that I wouldn't do it.

The funny thing is that even people who claim to hate the column are clearly reading it. So it has something that draws you in. I think you are all underestimating the skill with which she does this - writing a weekly column really isn't easy, whatever you might think. (I feel the same about Tim Dowling, who always gets a kicking in the comments, but that's another story.)

Autumnnights1 · 27/09/2015 14:05

I dont read it but sounds like shes being honest.

Im in my early 50's, single and yes, it can be very depressing.

Apparently I should be looking at 60's to date now, err no thank you. But Im finding the stereo typical man being a few years older than the woman still very much applies. Men of my age do and can date mid 40's.

LisbethSalandersLaptop · 27/09/2015 14:08

well I am 50 and have two men vying for my attentions Grin - I tried to put them both in the 'friend zone' but not sure what to do now.
Men are like buses, you wait for ages, then when you have given up, two come along at once.
One of them is 51 and the other is cagey about his age.

Autumnnights1 · 27/09/2015 14:11

How do you "try" to put a person in the friend zone? You either do or you don't surely?

LisbethSalandersLaptop · 27/09/2015 14:13

OK I put them in the friend zone but they wish to leave it Grin.

Autumnnights1 · 27/09/2015 14:13

Im trying to put him in the friend zone but I keep dropping my knickers? Grin

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