To think DH is being completely unfair playing family top trumps

[Lambzig]

We have a few busy weekends as we are in the middle of building work, which is pretty grim, so we had arranged to go away to see friends/family who have been kind enough to host us for the weekends.

DH's parents have just phoned up tonight and said that they are having a 70th party for FILs birthday the first weekend in July and would like us to come.

We have already arranged to be at my sister's that weekend (nowhere near PIL). It has been arranged since early May and she has stuff planned for the DC. We haven't stayed there for 18 months although her and I meet up for lunch.

DH's uncle (FIL brother) is ill (we don't know any diagnosis, so no idea of how ill) and we are not sure how long he will be around. We were there in April for a big family party. DH's family are normally not that fussed with us for various reasons. DS is 2.5 and they have seen him 3 times and we normally see them about once a year.

DH wants me to call my sister and rearrange, telling her it's his fathers 70th and that his uncle is ill. While I am sympathetic, I think they have to accept if they arrange a party with two weeks notice, they have to accept some people might not make it and we are committed elsewhere.

I have suggested he goes to PIL and me and the kids go to my sisters, but apparently PIL want us all there and DH won't compromise.

I think my sister would understand and possibly be ok with it, but she would be upset and hurt and I don't see that I should cancel on her at relatively short notice.

DH says I am being unfair as his uncle is ill and that trumps everything else. I do understand he is upset about his uncle, but I think me and the kids at least should go to my sisters, anything else is at best horrendous manners. We could go to PIL two weeks later and perhaps take them and uncle out to dinner. DH thinks I should move the visit to DSis to that weekend (no idea if she is free).

i don't see how we are going to reach an agreement on this.

[TestingTestingWonTooFree]

I'd see if sister can rearrange. If it's a lot of hassle for her, I'd stick with your original plans. I think the fact that FIL declined your company that weekend is important.

[KERALA1]

Exactly merguez. My lovely aunts 70 th was in the diary with 4 months notice - if you are bringing together disparate groups who have to travel I would think 2 month notice minimum

[Lambzig]

I think DSis has non-tickety plans, but she has done stuff like decorated a room so it's nice for the DC, bought a trundle bed as DS is now out of a cot and new bedding with their favourite characters, just lovely caring stuff that has made me feel bad for not sorting out going up before now.

So far I am liking the spa idea.

It's really only us that need to travel, so they don't understand that we are not available at the drop of a hat.

[Alibabsandthe40Musketeers]

If you checked and now they have changed their minds, then YANBU.

I am biased against your DH though OP because I remember how upset you were with him prioritising work when you were expecting your youngest. I was so horrified, it's stuck in my head all this time!

Your sister has gone to a huge effort, so it isn't just a casual weekend. It would be horribly bad manners to not go at this stage.

I would tell your husband what your MIL said about your children, and tell him to go on his own.

[Tanith]

My FIL recently had his 80th birthday party. It was a quiet home affair, but he made sure to send out invitations a couple of months in advance.

Two weeks notice isn't really enough and, if your sister has made a lot of effort for the weekend, it's rude to cancel her.

[Inertia]

I really don't understand why you haven't told your husband about MIL'S comments.

[19lottie82]

I might have missed something but don't quite understand about why your MiL "struggles to accept" your DC? Is it because they're not Catholic?

[TendonQueen]

lottie as I understand it, it's an old school Catholic problem with the kids being conceived through IVF, so not in the 'proper' way that God requires

I can see why you wouldn't say anything, because it's an awful thing to pass on to anyone. Once you know it's been thought, you can't go back. The difficulty now is also that it will come across as tit for tat because of the dispute over the party. Very tricky. Could you sit down with your DH and say his parents' attitude is causing real problems and he needs to realise the effect it is having? Would he be at all receptive to that?

Just another sideways thought: could you bring your sister and her kids to the party too? Could they be squeezed in somewhere, or could you pay for you all to stay together in a hotel? That way it's less just about jibbing her off.

[BackforGood]

Of course YANBU.
You checked if they were doing something that weekend. They said No. You made other arrangements.
If they change things at short notice, they are going to have to understand that some people will now have made other arrangements.
I wouldn't be going. I'd offer dh the choice of what he wanted to do, but I would be taking the dc to the sisters.
I've had similar with dh's family before, and stuck to our rule of previous commitments taking priority.
Is there some reason dh can't see his uncle on another day ? (Apologies if this has been said, I've only read first and last pages).

[Meepandyoup]

'Lovely caring stuff' for the kids, but you're worried that she'll go NC if you explain that you have to change your plans because of a very ill relative?

In all honesty it sounds to me like your family is as bad as your DH's.

[Kundry]

So if I've understood correctly:

Your DH doesn't like his parents much

If you weren't there he wouldn't arrange any contact with them

You don't like his parents much and his mum has said unspeakably vile things about your children

Yet you push him and the kids into seeing his parents, when neither you nor he want to, and you keep secrets on behalf of his parents.

Written down, doesn't it look a bit crazy? WTF are you doing? Go to the 70th and after that, work as a team with your husband - no more secrets and let him decide how often you see his parents. It is OK if that is never.

[Lambzig]

Tendonqueen has it right, it's the idea that ivf is against gods teachings. I I don't know if her views have changed at all.

Well, I get that DSis can be tricky too, she may be ok with it.

I felt it was unfair that PIL can change their minds and take last minute priority over arrangements of a couple of months, but I am taking on board the comments that I am being unfair.

[googoodolly]

I think PIL's have changed their mind because of your FIL's brother being unwell now, and I think at that kind of age that does need to be taken into consideration.

I don't understand why you and DC can't go to your sisters and DH go to his parents, though?

[Lambzig]

I like FIL fine, I find MIL's attitudes av little off.

I don't push him to see them, I say things like "you know you haven't seen the for a while, what do you want yo do?" I expect he would see them slightly less if I wasn't around.

I don't keep secrets, just didn't pass on MIL's hurtful comment to him. Seriously, I thought it would just really hurt him and nothing gained from it. It's a few years ago now and it's never been repeated, if it had I would have told him.

What I might do is bring it up with MIL alone and see what she says.

[DamnBamboo]

I don't see how this trumps a pre-arranged visit.
OP has said that her PIL have seen her DS 3 times and that they see them once a year.
So it's not as if they are generally involved or seem to give much of a shit.

that they are not interested in the DC (there is a religious issue with them being ivf), but accept them as they are

Fuck that shit! I don't think YABU at all OP and for more than one reason I would tell them to fuck themselves.

[TidyDancer]

Existing plans trump new plans imo. ILs don't get to override this because it's an important occasion.

On the subject of the disgusting comments from your mil....that's a tough one as to how to tell your DH now. I suspect I would've done so at the time, difficult to know how to do it now. I know I wouldn't want a woman with such abhorrent views around my DCs.

[Charley50]

I think it's ridiculous that your Sis would contemplate going NC about this but apart from that I think you and the kids should go to your sisters and DH should go to his parents. You send a nice card and gift and explain that you had a special weekend arranged months ago that you can't rearrange (add a little white lie about tickets bring booked for an expensive event if you want further justification).. No room there for anyone being pissed off without seeming unreasonable.

[RB68]

I think have an open convo with your sister, explain that you are really disappointed but in this instance some of the relatives are poorly and aged and whilst you have previously checked if they had plans these changed at short notice with his uncles illness and then put a definite date in the diary and make sure DH knows its immoveable. Acknowledge you are letting her down, arrange for some lovely flowers for her that weekend too. And go - I am really ambivalent about these occasions as whilst people like to see you and have you there they are generally boring, hanging around chatting with people you rarely see and maybe wouldn't go out of your way to see normally etc perhaps try and break the journey with something to do - we were up in Yorkshire recently for a family do at my brothers IL's so we drove from Midlands up via Bradford and went to Saltaire and then the sun am did two national trust places before event at 2 and buffet and chit in the garden till around 5pm when people started heading home as most had at least two hrs to travel.