To think DH is being completely unfair playing family top trumps

[Lambzig]

We have a few busy weekends as we are in the middle of building work, which is pretty grim, so we had arranged to go away to see friends/family who have been kind enough to host us for the weekends.

DH's parents have just phoned up tonight and said that they are having a 70th party for FILs birthday the first weekend in July and would like us to come.

We have already arranged to be at my sister's that weekend (nowhere near PIL). It has been arranged since early May and she has stuff planned for the DC. We haven't stayed there for 18 months although her and I meet up for lunch.

DH's uncle (FIL brother) is ill (we don't know any diagnosis, so no idea of how ill) and we are not sure how long he will be around. We were there in April for a big family party. DH's family are normally not that fussed with us for various reasons. DS is 2.5 and they have seen him 3 times and we normally see them about once a year.

DH wants me to call my sister and rearrange, telling her it's his fathers 70th and that his uncle is ill. While I am sympathetic, I think they have to accept if they arrange a party with two weeks notice, they have to accept some people might not make it and we are committed elsewhere.

I have suggested he goes to PIL and me and the kids go to my sisters, but apparently PIL want us all there and DH won't compromise.

I think my sister would understand and possibly be ok with it, but she would be upset and hurt and I don't see that I should cancel on her at relatively short notice.

DH says I am being unfair as his uncle is ill and that trumps everything else. I do understand he is upset about his uncle, but I think me and the kids at least should go to my sisters, anything else is at best horrendous manners. We could go to PIL two weeks later and perhaps take them and uncle out to dinner. DH thinks I should move the visit to DSis to that weekend (no idea if she is free).

i don't see how we are going to reach an agreement on this.

[Lambzig]

Oh and I am worried this could go either way with my sister.

[SanityClause]

Bloody hell! I'm not surprised you don't want to go, with that attitude from MIL.

(My own mother is just as weird about some stuff - my DSis is bisexual, which my mother knows, and my mother is vociferous in her opposition to equal marriage.)

But, sometimes you do have to do the "right thing". Hopefully your sister will understand, and you can rearrange, soon.

[TendonQueen]

That does change things. That's a terrible attitude from your MIL. I would find that very difficult to get past.

How about trying this: suggest to them they rearrange the party to give everyone a bit more notice as probably quite a few people will have plans already, and also it'll be better weather a few weeks further on.

[petalsandstars]

As you've already asked then if it were me I would be inclined to go to sisters and see PIL in a couple of weeks instead. Especially with the short notice and distance.

[Eminado]

"
I think any resentment I have is not about their behaviour, but about DH taking my family (and the lovely things they do for us and the DC) for granted."

Aha!
This is what you should tell your she. Exactly that.

[Eminado]

*dh

[Inertia]

No, you are not being unreasonable.

You asked in advance whether your company was expected, and you were told no. They cannot expect you to be available with only 2 weeks notice. If they expect all of you to be there then they need to tell you in advance and fit in with everyone's plans.

Your idea of DH going to see IL and you going to your sister sounds reasonable.

[Birdsgottafly]

My Mum's in the last months of her life, so plans have to be fluid for up coming Birthdays etc, because she cant guarantee being well. We've had two unexpected diagnosis of Cancer and deaths within weeks.

It reminds you that your future planning can mean nothing. I've worked in Elderly care and it's around 70 when life starts changing, people start to die, become disabled etc.

Family meet ups take on new significance.

This may be the last time that everyone is going to be together whilst the Uncle is well enough to enjoy it, or here at all.

There might be undisclosed reasons why the plans have been changed.

Those saying that what goes in the diary first, sticks, would you really not prioritise visiting a dying relative, above a general visit of someone you see regularly?

[Lambzig]

It seems everyone but us can make it (lots live local to them - we don't), so no chance of changing it.

If it was my family I wouldn't get past it, but it's not my family, and I can't tell DH, so I am a couple of years into sucking it up. I suppose I see it as their loss.

I think I am going to have to cancel DSis and hope it doesn't do too much damage.

[Lambzig]

Eminado, believe me I have. DH has no patience with my sister's husband (I concur) and finds my DF annoying (so do I) and forgets all they do for us, particularly for the DC. Classic in law stuff really.

[SmillasSenseOfSnow]

I think keeping what your MIL said from your DH is a mistake.

[notquitegrownup2]

Sympathetic - your dh doesn't sound v helpful, but have a chat to your sister and tell her about the Uncle being ill, so FIL wanting a big party now.

If she is OK with it and happy to move the weekend, problem solved. If she is really disappointed and can't easily move the weekend back a week or two, then it's a bit trickier, but you can cross that bridge when you get there.

Then after the party, make sure you sit your dh down and have a chat about valuing your family too.

[SmillasSenseOfSnow]

X post. What Thetruth said.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

"I do have a huge problem. It's MIL only. She described them as 'not real grandchildren'. Very Catholic, asked the priest who told her it was fine, but 'wrestles with her conscience' to accept them. DH does not know this as he would be so badly hurt and also go utterly ballistic and I expect FIL would be very angry too. I can't bear to tell him."

So, just to be sure I have understood you correctly - you are keeping your MIL's stated beliefs a secret from her son and her husband? And therefore she got you on your own at some point to spout this vileness straight into your ears and yours alone?

Sorry, but this secret-keeping is just not healthy. And there's a bit of me that thinks she means you to keep this a secret (otherwise she'd have said it in front of her son and husband) and that she means for it to eat you up from the inside .

Setting aside this whole weekend fiasco that DH's family have created - you need to stop keeping this secret. Don't tell them whilst discussing this party, it's a separate issue; but do find an occasion to raise this with your husband. He needs to know what she has said to you, he needs to know that he may need to protect his children from her maybe spouting this shite into their ears at some point, and he needs to have an accurate picture of the people in his life.

[springalong]

Birds said very well what I was going to post. Normally I would agree pre-arranged takes precedence but perhaps not in this case. Can you say why you think your sister will be funny about this?

[profpoopsnagle]

Birds, I'm sotty to hear about your mum, and can see your point of view.

In my circumstances, I'd still stick with the diary- I see my sisters about once a year because of the distance between us (we see DH's family 4x plus). Everyone has different circumstances.

[TwoAndTwoEqualsChaos]

Even without the other complications, two weeks is too little notice, especially if you actually enquired about possible events before making other plans. I think you are very generous to suggest your DH go without you.

[WayneRooneysHair]

TwoAndTwoEqualsChaos how is the OP being generous by suggesting DH go without her? It's his family...

I don't blame you for not wanting to go yourself OP.

[Zzzsnatcher]

Go to Dsis. You checked they said no! Get DH to go to his Uncle another time.

[TwoAndTwoEqualsChaos]

Perhaps not the best word but I don't think the Op would be unreasonable not to want him to go, as they had made other plans and had been told there wasn't a thing for the 70th but, seeing as there is one now at very short notice, I think she is being generous spirited to forego her DH's company so he can attend the late-arranged event.

[saturnvista]

I am completely with you in wanting to go with the original plan and I think you have every right to do so. However, given the dying uncle, I would have a chat with your sister and see what she says. If you can do so without causing hurt, and I think you could given how strongly you feel about not wanting to let her down, it might be better to take one for the team here. But explain you won't be doing it again without more notice regardless of special circs.

[WayneRooneysHair]

I'm sorry but I don't agree TwoAndTwoEqualsChaos, if I tried to stop my wife from seeing her family even though we had plans I'd be a controlling bastard.

[GatoradeMeBitch]

I agree that with the double whammy of landmark birthday and sick relative you should go if it's important to your partner. But at some point, you should tell him what your MIL told you. He should know. Perhaps he could get through to her?