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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think DH is being completely unfair playing family top trumps

93 replies

Lambzig · 19/06/2015 21:32

We have a few busy weekends as we are in the middle of building work, which is pretty grim, so we had arranged to go away to see friends/family who have been kind enough to host us for the weekends.

DH's parents have just phoned up tonight and said that they are having a 70th party for FILs birthday the first weekend in July and would like us to come.

We have already arranged to be at my sister's that weekend (nowhere near PIL). It has been arranged since early May and she has stuff planned for the DC. We haven't stayed there for 18 months although her and I meet up for lunch.

DH's uncle (FIL brother) is ill (we don't know any diagnosis, so no idea of how ill) and we are not sure how long he will be around. We were there in April for a big family party. DH's family are normally not that fussed with us for various reasons. DS is 2.5 and they have seen him 3 times and we normally see them about once a year.

DH wants me to call my sister and rearrange, telling her it's his fathers 70th and that his uncle is ill. While I am sympathetic, I think they have to accept if they arrange a party with two weeks notice, they have to accept some people might not make it and we are committed elsewhere.

I have suggested he goes to PIL and me and the kids go to my sisters, but apparently PIL want us all there and DH won't compromise.

I think my sister would understand and possibly be ok with it, but she would be upset and hurt and I don't see that I should cancel on her at relatively short notice.

DH says I am being unfair as his uncle is ill and that trumps everything else. I do understand he is upset about his uncle, but I think me and the kids at least should go to my sisters, anything else is at best horrendous manners. We could go to PIL two weeks later and perhaps take them and uncle out to dinner. DH thinks I should move the visit to DSis to that weekend (no idea if she is free).

i don't see how we are going to reach an agreement on this.

OP posts:

Topseyt · 20/06/2015 03:41

I'm from a family that isn't into big birthday celebrations, so I would go to your sister's.

Every family is different though.

maras2 · 20/06/2015 06:22

lambzig If it was anyone else I'd probably say go to FIL's party.However I remember your posts about Inlaw's shitty attitude toward your lovely children plus that you are always so helpful to others on this site so I say fuckem ] Go to your sister's,take the kids and let DH go to his parents making up some excuse for not taking the wee ones.

nattarji · 20/06/2015 06:39

Sisters definitely.

googoodolly · 20/06/2015 07:04

I think you should go to your sisters and your DH should be able to choose whether he sees his family or not. It's his uncle who is sick and his dad who is turning 70 so seeing them should be upto him, not anyone else.

You can still see your sister and the DC can all play together that weekend, but your DH can see his relatives. I don't see why anyone would be upset by that considering the unfortunate circumstances with his uncle.

SummerHouse · 20/06/2015 07:15

FIL's wins I think. You have absolutely the right to put your foot down and take kids to your sisters but as previous posters have said its not worth it. Especially with the uncle being ill. I think your dp should be very grateful for how understanding you are. Go. Then bake your sis a massive cake when you go for re-arraged weekend there.

grapejuicerocks · 20/06/2015 07:17

Can't you just broach the idea of changing the date with your sister. Mine would totally understand and change if she could. If yours does the same, there is no issue.

If she isn't free that weekend or if there are tickets or some other reason why she can't change, then pils will just have to suck it up.

Original poster

Lambzig · 20/06/2015 07:32

Sorry went to bed, but thank you for all the replies.

DH is generally more negative towards his family than I am, but they know how to hit his duty button and I totally understand how he feels. Not sure we have figured out what to do yet, both of us reflecting.

I will give serious consideration to telling him her comment, but feel it's a bit unfair. It's something she said once, after a few glasses of wine, in a confessional manner, almost expecting sympathy for her dilemma. Obviously, I said it was a hurtful thing to say and the conversation ended. Nothing said since. I am pretty sure if I told DH, it would be immediate NC. Perhaps I should talk to her about it.

OP posts:

Treeceratops · 20/06/2015 07:46

In light of the fact that you checked and they changed their minds, I would say it's down to how your Dsis would react to a change of plans. If she would be terribly hurt then I'd stick with your plans but DH could go to the party. Is there another weekend soon you can see your in-laws? Can you only see the uncle at the same time as FIL?

NorahDentressangle · 20/06/2015 07:47

I would go but make it a clear 'never again at short notice and if it causes cancellation' .

Lay it on to DSis as uncle is seriously ill etc.

Perhaps you should have the conversation with DH about what his DM said, it is affecting your attitude but he won't understand why. But maybe at a later date.

diddl · 20/06/2015 07:54

So until there was a party being laid on, he actually wasn't even bothered about seeing his dad on or near his 70th?

So I think it's quite off of him to want to reorganise stuff tbh.

We had just moved abroad but went back with two young kids to take my dad out for a meal on bis 70th.

Longtalljosie · 20/06/2015 07:59

Don't do it. I have huge MIL problems but before I really knew what I was up against I was put in a similar position and my relationship with my sister really suffered. It's not worth it.

Karoleann · 20/06/2015 08:02

I'd ring your sister and see how difficult it is to re-arrange the weekend. If she's organised things that she's already paid for or you can't meet up for a few months then I would go there and just let DH go to his FILs 70th.

We had a similar thing for my MIL who is a complete PITA. We'd asked her several times what she would like to do for her 70th and she said that she wasn't fussed about a party, so we just booked a meal out for her. Then she decided at the last minute to organise one on another weekend - we had already booked a holiday and she expected us to cancel (which we didn't). She still mentions it a lot.

Booboostoo · 20/06/2015 08:10

FIL should re-arrange his party to suit you. It's all last minute and against what they said they were going to do so what's the harm in doing it on another date?

KERALA1 · 20/06/2015 08:20

Sisters definitely.

It was in diary first

You are not a priority for ils anyway (see minimal visits)

Ils are also hopeless at forward planning. They have very empty lives and cannot get their heads round that as a normal busy family we cannot drop everything at 1 weeks notice. They have been in England for a whole month now and despite me emailing our free dates weeks in advance they haven't managed to get a date in the diary to see us, then ring and suggest the weekend we have always said we are at a wedding 3 hours away.

They say our asking for dates puts them "under pressure". So they see their gorgeous granddaughters once a year on average. Fools.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 20/06/2015 08:23

Fil definitely.

A 70th birthday trumps a normal weekend away. Your sister should understand.

Sorry OP,

MadMum2015 · 20/06/2015 08:30

Sisters definitely - you asked about plans, they said they were away. So....you stick with your original plan. What your H does is his business.

And you really need to tell him about the other stuff. That kind of wedge can end marriages

KERALA1 · 20/06/2015 08:31

If they were that bothered about the birthday they would have organised it properly. You can't give 2 weeks notice if something is important to you it's not fair. And quite arrogant

Original poster

Lambzig · 20/06/2015 08:31

Kerala, that is exactly how they are. Won't ever make plans and then expect you to drop things and lots of passive aggressive nonsense whether we agree or not.

My worry with DSis is that she will take offence and has cut people off in the past. I don't want to be in that category.

OP posts:

maras2 · 20/06/2015 08:43

[lambzig] Best of luck with what ever you decide.

Mysari · 20/06/2015 08:44

God you poor thing. I think you should sod the lot of them and check yourself into a spa for the weekend

vvega · 20/06/2015 08:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 20/06/2015 08:49

Would she really do that OP? Bloody hell, no wonder you're so worried about it. I'd hate to have to tread on eggshells with family.

Has it been suggested that you spend weekend with sis, (not calling her dear anymore) and dh takes the kids to fils do?

SoldierBear · 20/06/2015 08:56

On balance I would say FIL.
It's not fair to penalise him because MIL is a bag.
If everyone else can make it at two weeks notice, I would reschedule with DSis.
And if she throws a strop, then take it as a sign the visit would probably have been hellish!

diddl · 20/06/2015 09:05

I was edging towards sister, but now she's sounding as difficult as ILs!

Also, as I said earlier, your husband isn't bothered otherwise he would have wanted to see his dad for his bday, party or no.

Perhaps do things separately this time?

Or do you want to see Fil for his bday?

When would you be able to see your sister again?

Is there stuff organised for the weekend with her?

Merguez · 20/06/2015 09:09

I am astonished that someone would arrange a 70th birthday party with only 2 weeks' notice.

My dad is about to be 80 and we have had the celebration weekend booked in the diary for at least 6 months.

I would do what you want to do.

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