Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

To ask: If a nice person becomes obnoxious when drinking,

80 replies

whothehellknows · 19/06/2015 18:31

does that mean they're generally ok but should avoid alcohol? Or does it mean that they're showing their true colours?

I've been dating a guy for a couple of months, and we get along brilliantly when he's sober. (I've known him for a year in professional circles that sometimes overlap, and we've always clicked.) But once I started seeing him socially, I discovered that I really don't enjoy his company when he's been drinking. (It's hard to carry on a conversation because he sometimes forgets to pause for breath, tells stories that ramble through infinite tangents, and often misunderstands things I say and takes umbrage.)

AIBU to ask him to not drink when he's with me? Or is it a red flag that I should run a mile from?

OP posts:

Dismalfuckers · 19/06/2015 22:40

*fun?? Down, that should be.

AmysTiara · 19/06/2015 22:44

I turn into a nobhead when I'm drunk. I get easily annoyed and ratty. I'm not at all that usually so I don't believe that's my true self coming out like some posters have suggested. I don't get drunk any more though.

Original poster

whothehellknows · 19/06/2015 22:47

Lweji Yeah, that's probably right. Because I'm not looking at him as a potential life partner and he can only really see me on my terms, I don't feel threatened by the situation-- does that make sense?

I really enjoy being single, so if it goes pear shaped then I won't be at home crying on my cat. I'll feel better giving him a chance to sort the problem, but if he doesn't then he can't say he wasn't warned.

OP posts:

pictish · 19/06/2015 22:55

"He lives an hour away and can only really date me if I go to him. I can tell when he's had even one beer, so if I get a hint then the date's over and I'm off."

Well that will be a complete waste of petrol and time won't it?

You say you're not invested and it's just casual, but you belie yourself in the next sentence by making plans as to how you will deal with his drinking in the future.

PatioPonderer · 19/06/2015 23:06

Yes, I think you do protest too much. Are you being honest with yourself about where you hope this relationship will go?

Original poster

whothehellknows · 20/06/2015 08:36

Yeah, that's true. In the beginning I started off by saying I was interested in actual dating, where you go off and do fun stuff with people and then go home. I didn't want to do that thing where you snog a guy and suddenly you're in a relationship and they're around your house all the time.

But I'm behaving as though I'm in an established relationship (habit, I suppose) and that's only going to lead me into a situation where a guy with a drinking problem becomes MY problem. I started going out with the guy because of the way we clicked at work, but now that it's clear he's got a whole host of other issues going on I need to re-evaluate spending time with him.

OP posts:

Yarp · 20/06/2015 08:38

Yes, because basically what you are saying is that you want to socialise with him - and that's when drinking happens. So where does that leave you?

Original poster

whothehellknows · 20/06/2015 09:11

Can people really not socialize without drinking? Maybe my views are off because I don't really drink or spend much time in pubs or clubs. I've never found that alcohol featured much in dinner or a movie or a show or a walk in the woods or hanging around in museums and stuff.

That's not to say I need to do that stuff with him, though. I can go with other people.

OP posts:

Yarp · 20/06/2015 09:14

I can socialise without drinking, and so can you. I suppose I was assuming maybe he can't (the corner shop thing you mentioned)

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 20/06/2015 09:17

Of course some people can socialise without drinking, but many people feel like they can't or don't want to. It's not about what this guy can do it's about what he wants to do and he wants to drink cans of lager during the day whilst walking around with you. So what if he can/would stop for a bit because you ask him to? It won't change his underlying beliefs and feelings about alcohol and at some point he will decide you're being controlling or unreasonable and he'll just stop bothering.

Squeegle · 20/06/2015 09:22

It doesn't rally sound like he can socialise without drinking. Agree with all the others, does sound like he has a bit of a problem; impossible of course to say how severe without knowing him, but in your shoes I would be exceptionally careful.
I was in them - and wasn't careful; thought I could handle it, but drink is a major major problem and there is no simple answer. Make your boundaries very clear and then stick to them. And don't become a rescuer.

Original poster

whothehellknows · 20/06/2015 09:23

Yep, that's definitely possible. And do I really want to spend my leisure time supporting another person to regulate their behaviour because they seem to can't do it themselves?

OP posts:

Squeegle · 20/06/2015 09:28

You absolutely don't want to be regulating anyone's behaviour. You simply need to say: I can't get on with you when you drink. Is it possible that we can have a relationship where you don't drink when you see me? If he says no then you have your answer. It sounds harsh, but his attitude to how he deals with the question will tell you a lot.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 20/06/2015 09:30

Good question!
The point I and others are trying make is that you are trying to change his habits and behaviours and that is always going to be a hiding to nothing.

ImperialBlether · 20/06/2015 09:32

No, of course you don't want to do that.

You realise that your ideal worlds are different, don't you? In his ideal world he has alcohol to hand at all times. In yours, there is no alcohol.

You realise you can't go for a day out with him now? Even if he doesn't have the drink, he'll want it and will resent you for stopping him from having a can. You can't go on holiday with him, either. Imagine that, him not being able to drink on holiday - he'd either be in a foul mood the whole time or he'd be drunk before he got on the plane.

Don't bother. Keep him as a friend at work and leave it at that.

Lweji · 20/06/2015 09:32

The start of a relationship is to evaluate if you are a good match. And maybe make small adjustments.

With this guy there are clear issues of incompatibility (and possibly more, based on his behaviour when drunk) and this is the perfect time to let go.

You shouldn't expect him to change when entering a relationship. It won't work. And you have recognised that keeping it casual won't work that well either.
By all means socialise with him and have him as a friend, but I wouldn't mix things and keep it strictly friends only.

butterfly133 · 20/06/2015 09:40

I get that you want to have fun here, but I don't think it is fun when someone's a nasty drunk - or even just a drunk, but that's me.

If you want fun, I'd look elsewhere anyway!

pictish · 20/06/2015 09:44

And do I really want to spend my leisure time supporting another person to regulate their behaviour because they seem to can't do it themselves?

Hell no you don't want to do that! What a hiding to nothing that would be.

"So what if he can/would stop for a bit because you ask him to? It won't change his underlying beliefs and feelings about alcohol and at some point he will decide you're being controlling or unreasonable and he'll just stop bothering."

You know it.

chaiselounger · 20/06/2015 10:15

If you are having doubts after only 2 months, then I think you already have your answer.

chaiselounger · 20/06/2015 10:16

I don't think I've ever got nasty when drunk. Nope. No arguments, no nastiness, ever.

Mistigri · 20/06/2015 10:16

It probably means he has a drink problem. That doesn't necessarily make him a bad person but it means he is likely to be hard work, or worse, as a partner.

Original poster

whothehellknows · 20/06/2015 10:58

Oh, his response was totally supportive, that he'd rather spend time with me and the booze isn't important. But then, his behaviour is telling a different story.

This isn't a drip feed, but I've just remembered something that's probably relevant. He had a near death experience a couple of years ago (before I knew him) that meant he spent a long time in hospital and then had to move back into his parent's house to rehabilitate.

Since then, he's thrown himself headlong into life because he's so thrilled not to be dead. So he's motivated at work, makes extra effort to help out his family and friends, is really into his food... Everything is "go large or go home". Including the beer.

But with the food, he's realized that he's now gotten into unhealthy habits and started to change his diet for the better. Maybe he needs a bit of a wake up call to realize that his drinking has gotten out of hand. And TBH, he's probably burying a shitload of psychological issues under his need to live every day like it's his last. The guy needs some counselling.

(I'm not saying I'm going to keep dating or enabling him, just had a realization about the level of problem that he's dealing with.)

OP posts:

Fabulassie · 20/06/2015 11:34

I've long noticed that an extreme personality change (usually nasty but sometimes maudlin) is a big sign of a drinking problem.

Lweji · 20/06/2015 11:45

I hope the near death experience had nothing to do with drink...

SophieHatters · 20/06/2015 11:59

Seriously, there is no way I'd want to hang about with someone like this. What does it add to your life?

I'm pretty much happily single right now, and if someone like you describe was hanging about wanting to date me I wouldn't even consider it.

Sure, no one is perfect but he doesn't sound ready for a relationship, and you sound kind of committed to the idea even if it means tying yourself in knots trying to work out how to justify it with this bloke.

He's not worth it.

By all means stay friends if you have time for this nonsense but to be making excuses for him/preparing to have to drive back home if you arrive and he has been drinking? Why are you putting yourself through it?

Flip

1 2 3 4

Swipe left for the next trending thread