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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask: If a nice person becomes obnoxious when drinking,

80 replies

whothehellknows · 19/06/2015 18:31

does that mean they're generally ok but should avoid alcohol? Or does it mean that they're showing their true colours?

I've been dating a guy for a couple of months, and we get along brilliantly when he's sober. (I've known him for a year in professional circles that sometimes overlap, and we've always clicked.) But once I started seeing him socially, I discovered that I really don't enjoy his company when he's been drinking. (It's hard to carry on a conversation because he sometimes forgets to pause for breath, tells stories that ramble through infinite tangents, and often misunderstands things I say and takes umbrage.)

AIBU to ask him to not drink when he's with me? Or is it a red flag that I should run a mile from?

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 19/06/2015 20:15

For a couple of months' new boyfriend - run like the bloody wind.

I do have a friend who is nice as pie usually but a bit of a shit when drunk. I get on with him, but I wouldn't date him. And in fact, from what his ex-girlfriend said to me, I wouldn't be surprised if he was actually pretty emotionally abusive in relationships. So that was a bad example of "nice but a shit when drunk".

But yes - in fact, IME nice people tend to get soft and soppy, or talkative, or sleepy, or flirty when drunk. They don't get nasty and aggressive. This was a bit of a revelation to me having spent most of my youth with people who got aggressive whenever they drank.

FluffyCubs · 19/06/2015 20:24

Please forget this one. I lived with an alcoholic for years and it's really hard dealing with the dependency and the behavioural changes. I mig be ma,ing assumptions here, but really, I'm an asshole if I smoke dope....so I just don't. Does he offend other people?

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 19/06/2015 20:41

Your red flag radar is way off. Stopping for cans throughout the day is way out there and his attitude to alcohol is likely to be well ingrained, not something he can just change because you asked him to.
Personally, it wouldn't matter how great he appeared, this type of behaviour would mean instant dumping.

MrsEvadneCake · 19/06/2015 21:03

My DH didn't always have a very healthy attitude towards drinking when we younger. Both his parents died of alcoholism related conditions. He never, ever brought alcohol and walked around with it on a day out. Just because he won't drink before he knows he has work doesn't mean he's not got a drink problem. The fact that as soon as he can he drinks like he does suggests it's developing and will become worse.

silverglitterpisser · 19/06/2015 21:36

Alcohol = truth serum. I would avoid anyone who "turned" with drink.

Yarp · 19/06/2015 21:39

I don't even think it's the behaviour when drunk that's worrying here. It's the inability to not drink.

Is he really going to not drink because you don't like him when he's drunk?

SisterConcepta · 19/06/2015 21:50

Cans from a corner shop on a day out.
The only person I know who does that is a raving alcoholic.

pictish · 19/06/2015 21:54

Listen to yourself!

He's a prick when he's had a drink, and he loves to drink.

End of story. Come on. You can do better than that!

IvyWall · 19/06/2015 21:55

Bin him

viva100 · 19/06/2015 21:58

His behaviour is not normal and there are 2 issues:

  1. he drinks too much and in the middle of the day. My dad really likes a drink but he wouldn't stop at a corner shop in the middle of a day out. Nobody I know would.
  2. the nasty personality when drinking.

I know someone in my family who started out like your guy - annoying and a bit of an angry drunk. It got worse over the years and went into domestic violence. He'd go for months with no booze but when he did drink, he turned very very bad.

I would run a mile. An adult shouldn't drink that much, especially knowing he doesn't turn into a nice person.

southeastastra · 19/06/2015 22:01

prob means you should avoid alcohol

i do find the judgement on 'problem' drinkers on mn to be quite harsh and it doesn't really address why people are like they are..

i would make your own mind up op but realise nice people can become not so nice people when they drink, but it's not as simple as some people on mn make out

viva100 · 19/06/2015 22:01

And FFS do NOT stick around trying to help or understand him (I have seen this too often). He's an addict and addicts suck the life out of everyone around them. You've known him for a few months -you owe him nothing. Run and find someone ready to be in a healthy relationship.

Lweji · 19/06/2015 22:02

You have been seeing him for two months.
You haven't seen the real him. Except when he drinks.

Be warned.

Original poster
whothehellknows · 19/06/2015 22:03

Yeah, the thread has just confirmed one thing I knew- that he has a drink problem. I've bluntly asked him not to drink when he's going to be around me, and he was quick to say he's fine with it.

He grew up around an alcoholic, so his views on "normal consumption" will be miles away from mine. But he's just had a promotion at work that requires him to get a drivers' license-- so his opportunities to drink will be much more limited anyway.

Whether he turns out to be a PITA without the booze, however, remains to be seen...

OP posts:
Lweji · 19/06/2015 22:05

The thing is that you only really find out when you start living together, get married and/or have children.

Most people will say he has already shown you his true colours.

Up to you.

We'll be here.

pictish · 19/06/2015 22:07

"But he's just had a promotion at work that requires him to get a drivers' license-- so his opportunities to drink will be much more limited anyway."

Aw look at you trying to convince yourself it's going to get better.

Good luck with that then.

viva100 · 19/06/2015 22:08

I see, so you're planning to stick around despite knowing he's got a drinking problem. Good luck with that.

My advice for someone who is married/related to an addict would be very different by the way. I do think addiction is a disease that they need help with. I just think you shouldn't start a relationship with one.

Original poster
whothehellknows · 19/06/2015 22:13

Dude, I'm not gonna live with him! Grin I am so far from being ready to live with another adult, it's not even a dot on the distant horizon. I just about manage to tolerate my kids and sometimes I'll have a mate stay overnight... but having spent a decade living with a control freak, there's no way I'm up for sharing my space. He could be David Tennant and He'd still be packed off home.

OP posts:
Lweji · 19/06/2015 22:15

Is that why you think this is not so bad?

PatioPonderer · 19/06/2015 22:20

You might be able to ask him not to drink around you now, but where is this relationship going? What if you fall in love, move in together, get married and have kids? Then you will be around him drinking at every opportunity and putting up with his crap moods. I married a man like this, big mistake.

But when we got together, I was lonely and hadn't had any other offers in a long while so I ignored red flags. It may hurt a bit to break up now, but it will be a damn sight harder to extracate yourself further down the line.

Drinking addiction is not what we always assume it to be I.e having a bottle of cider for breakfast. It can be a mechanism for coping with any stress in life, he may say is will not drink around you but I wouldn't be surprised if he just got more secretive I.e. a can of JD & coke in the car before you meet up. A secret stash of vodka in his kitchen that he has a nip of when he goes to make the coffees/get the crisps etc.

He may have immaturity issues as well, grown ups don't cope with life by anaesthetising themselves.

southeastastra · 19/06/2015 22:24

give him a little slack read articles like \link{http://www.theguardian.com/society/2015/jun/13/my-drinking-years-everyone-has-blackouts-dont-they

mn has a tendency to have a one size fits all to this problem but it should be more intelligently looked at

Original poster
whothehellknows · 19/06/2015 22:26

I do take on board what people are saying, that he may still be a douche underneath and that in any case he has a drink problem. We're just dating and I've been open about the fact that I'm not looking for anything serious or exclusive at present. But I would like to maintain at least a friendship with the guy.

I can control whether he continues to drink around me. He lives an hour away and can only really date me if I go to him. I can tell when he's had even one beer, so if I get a hint then the date's over and I'm off.

OP posts:
Lweji · 19/06/2015 22:29

And you will be wasting your time going to him.

I'd be having clear boundaries about this, if you want to keep it casual, and have something like three strikes and you're out.

The problem is that he may keep it clean for you, and at some point you may well fall for him, and, yes, start living with him, and he will feel secure and it will all come back.

I do think people can get second chances and change, but does HE want to change?

PatioPonderer · 19/06/2015 22:30

Just seen you have kids already, just no. If you can be sure you will not fall in love with him, fwb should be your limit with this relationship imho

Dismalfuckers · 19/06/2015 22:39

You don't want to settle fun with The One People Avoid When Drunk.

Everyone knows someone like that. And wouldn't want to be the long suffering other half looking apologetically on.

People who are real twunts when drunk just shouldn't drink.