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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My Grandson.

53 replies

candygs · 18/06/2015 10:31

My GS who is 3years 6 months is becoming overweight, he weighs 18kg and is 98cms tall. My DIL is a great and devoted mum, I am impressed by her aside from how she (and my son) feed my GS. It all started so well, he was EBF then at 6 months they introduced BLW, however in the last year or so his healthy diet seems to have been largely replaced by what I can only describe as rubbish, chips very frequently, sausages at least twice a week all smothered in ketchup, sugary cereals, cake, crisps etc etc. I get on well with my DIL, she is very confident in her parenting and has never asked for my advice over anything, I am not an overbearing MIL and have told her on many occasions how lovely a Mum I think she is, my GS is gorgeous, happy, chatty, interesting and interested, I adore him and am lucky to live fairly near and see him frequently.

My DIL is overweight by about 3 stone, her parents are both overweight, her only brother is overweight and his daughter of 13 years is overweight (resulting in health problems) My son is not overweight nor is anyone else on "our side" of the family.

My dilemma is whether I should say anything to my son, who I know would tell my DIL, I do not want to risk my good relationship with them but I feel worried that my wonderful little GS will face problems caused by obesity, I am concerned that my DIL sees it as normal because of her family who she is very close to.

So advise me please, would IBU to raise my concerns.

OP posts:
ollieplimsoles · 18/06/2015 10:35

I am impressed by her This made me go Hmm op but never mind, moving on...

I do see where you are coming from, but I really don't know how you would handle it. Obviously if her entire family are over weight then they must know they have a problem with their diets. Unless they think it 'runs in the family'

Also, you seem to know quite a bit about your DILs family and their obesity related health problems, also 'over weight by about 3 stone' is very specific, has your DIL spoken to you before about her concerns over her own weight?

xiaozhu · 18/06/2015 10:35

As a MIL, it's better NEVER to give childcare advice to your children. Even if you're asked for it.

FeijoaSundae · 18/06/2015 10:35

Eek. I don't think YABU at all, but I have absolutely zero idea how you would raise this.

I also suspect you are going to get a very, very hard time on here so I'm handing you a tin hat in advance.

scratchandsniff · 18/06/2015 10:40

This is a really difficult one. I'm not sure how you could go about it without upsetting and potentially upsetting DIL. I think I'd leave it if I was you. Once he starts school she will have to be more mindful of what goes in his lunch box so that might make her think about what he eats. Also if he gets weighed like they do now it will likely get brought to their attention then, if he is deemed to be overweight.

At that age I find they're constantly asking for food. DS would snack all day long if I let him.

scratchandsniff · 18/06/2015 10:40

Meant to say upsetting and potentially *alienating

SpringTown46 · 18/06/2015 10:41

Yes. His weight will be picked up on by health visitors/nursery/school if it is indeed an issue.That is the point at which you can a (kindly) opinion - if it is asked for. I don't think his height and weight are out of range btw.

Original poster
candygs · 18/06/2015 10:44

Yes my DIL has talked to me about her weight and worries about it, she is frequently on a diet. I am friendly with her family and they are overweight, her Dad has type 2 diabetes.

I am impressed with my DIL, she does some great stuff with my GS, she is very patient with him, very loving.

OP posts:
Goshthatsspicy · 18/06/2015 10:46

I think, to keep on friendly terms - you'd better keep quiet.
YANBU though.

It must be difficult to see something, and not be able to do/say anything.

TorrAlexandra · 18/06/2015 10:47

My Mum made a comment to my former SIL about my eldest niece's weight (she is a lot bigger than a 12 year-old ought to be). FSIL, and my bro, both completely lost their shit. My brother especially will absolutely not be told how to parent his children, even if it's the mildest advice. I'd keep schtum if I were you, and maybe offer to take the kid swimming once a week or something so you at least know he's getting some exercise!!

Floralnomad · 18/06/2015 10:48

It's a shame you are not overweight as frankly the only way I can see how you can tackle this without offending / upsetting someone would be if you could say to your DIL that you need someone to go to weight watchers or some other slimming class with you and would she like to join you .

scratchandsniff · 18/06/2015 10:49

Just had a look in DS 'red book' - according to the centile chart he is just under 91st centile for weight/age. So, by no means off the scale and probably no real cause for concern for now.

IgnoreMeEveryOtherReindeerDoes · 18/06/2015 10:50

Tbh I don't think you can say anything without it going down like a lead ballon but isn't your son just as responsible for what your grand child eats? maybe approach him

Maybe cooking isn't a skill she has gained. What about buying her a slow cooker and saying you seen some great easy meals ideas (some fab groups on fb)

gotthemoononastick · 18/06/2015 10:51

OP please say absolutely nothing! As my long gone Dmil said to me:

'Just stand back and watch'.

You are too involved with her family's weight/ lifestyle and believe me they are probably fully aware of what you think of them.

knowsaymuhfuh · 18/06/2015 10:51

I think all the stuff that sounds positive is probably just fluff, and that you want our approval to interfere in a family that might not want your interference.

Perhaps I am wrong, if so I'm sorry, but frankly beak out YABU.

ollieplimsoles · 18/06/2015 10:52

Yes my DIL has talked to me about her weight and worries about it, she is frequently on a diet. I am friendly with her family and they are overweight, her Dad has type 2 diabetes.

Sounds like she trusts you and you have a good relationship, but still difficult to know how they would both react if you brought it up. I like the idea of taking him on an activity once a week or something, like swimming or to the park, so he gets a good exercise with you!

Lilicat1013 · 18/06/2015 10:54

I think it would be impossible to bring this up without it ending badly, unfortunately you will have to wait until it is brought up when he gets weighed at school.

In the mean time maybe you could suggest an activity for him, my son does toddler football there is lots of running around in that. You could offer to take him and make the suggestion on the basis of giving them some childfree time.

AnathemaPratchett · 18/06/2015 10:57

Is he really overweight? My dd is a similar age, also 18kg but a smidge taller at 101cm - and you can easily see her ribs and backbone. In fact she was worryingly thin until she had a course if oral steroids recently and put on a couple of pounds! So there is only a couple of pounds in it...

PrettyObvious · 18/06/2015 11:00

Your DIL probably doesn't know how to cook properly and is replicating what she was fed as a child. Of course, you cannot say what your GS eats when you are not around.
As previous posters have said, this would be very difficult to bring up with your DIL, so cannot offer any constructive advice other than inviting them round for "healthy" meals?

EllenJanethickerknickers · 18/06/2015 11:03

Just plugged the data into a child BMI calculator and he's well into obese for his age, 98% for BMI for his age of 3y6m. Sad

AnathemaPratchett · 18/06/2015 11:08

:( just checked my DDs red book - she's 16kg not 18! Sorry

MyFirstFire · 18/06/2015 11:18

With respect, you have no idea what is going on between your DS and DDIL. Trying to be supportive of a partner with long-term weight worries, who of course you love and adore but want to encourage to be healthy, is SO HARD. Especially if kids are influenced by their habits too, or they bulk up kids portion sizes because subconsciously they feel a bit less guilty then about their own plate. I speak from experience. You don't know what is going on behind closed doors in their house so please don't interfere.
Nothing wrong with you offering to take DGS to do some exercise - dressing it up as 'I don't want to be a boring granny so thought he'd enjoy swimming/football/etc rather than just sitting round with me' as pp have suggested.

Hippymama1 · 18/06/2015 11:20

I would mind your own business Candy...

Saying anything to your DS or DIL could have a significant negative impact on your currently good relationship with them and your GS.

Also, you are very conscious of the weight of a small child - are you usually conscious of weight and appearance? It could be me being sensitive, (My weight obsessed MIL once called one of her other grandchildren 'overweight' at 8 months!) but I really think that there are worse things than being a bit chubby at 3, particularly if everything else is great for him, he is a lovely child and he has such a great relationship with his parents.

Children grow up at different rates and some children are chubbier than others at different times. While I am not saying that something doesn't need to be done for your GS, I am not sure that you are the person to point it out and as PPs have said, it will get picked up by his GP and also when he goes to school.

yoursfan · 18/06/2015 11:26

You seem to have a very unhealthy interest in other peoples' weights, OP. My father is just like you. Constant comments on weight of people in the street, on the telly... The weights of your DIL and family are absolutely none of your business and honestly, your speculation on the specifics makes me wonder if perhaps you don't have a skewed view of what a normal weight is and whether your GS isn't overweight at all.

Also, why are you "blaming" your DIL? Your son is just as responsible, if there is an issue.

Hexenbiest · 18/06/2015 11:31

her family and they are overweight, her Dad has type 2 diabetes

That true of my family and I'm currently overweight as is DH a bit, (this is more due to stress eating caused by ongoing stressful situation.) So I'm more aware and on the ball about weight and diet for the DC than other mothers I've encountered over the years.

My DC aren't and never have been over weight- they have always been correct weight measured by red books and school and generally eat well.

Despite this when MIL has had concerns about her weight - she has tried to make comments about her concerns about our DC - despite there being no grounds. So I think you need to be sure your actually being objective here.

When IL are here we do eat more junk food than their normal diet - it's because their visits are tiring without spending ages cooking and having what is cooked criticised. So are you getting an accurate picture of the diet?

I've tried explaining that children need fat in their diet for food and have different energy requirements - doesn't stick with her she can't grasp the idea - even idea that diet food is bad for them seems to be an issue. Plus she is one of the first to feed them crap behind our back. So again - are you being objective about what a healthy child diet is? And are you proving any unnecessary calories in sweets, ice ream drinks as so many GP feel is their right?

When MIL does comment we shut it down fast as she comments in front of the DC - as we don't want the DC developing eating problems or concerns about weight. Even when she does it when they are in bed - we have to be firm that they are healthy weight so she drops it. So be aware mentioning your concerns may well not go down well.

TBH if you still think your concern are valid - I'd suggest the slow cooker and easy meal route with no weight comments and encouragement of activities than involve lots of physical stuff.