My Grandson.

[candygs]

My GS who is 3years 6 months is becoming overweight, he weighs 18kg and is 98cms tall. My DIL is a great and devoted mum, I am impressed by her aside from how she (and my son) feed my GS. It all started so well, he was EBF then at 6 months they introduced BLW, however in the last year or so his healthy diet seems to have been largely replaced by what I can only describe as rubbish, chips very frequently, sausages at least twice a week all smothered in ketchup, sugary cereals, cake, crisps etc etc. I get on well with my DIL, she is very confident in her parenting and has never asked for my advice over anything, I am not an overbearing MIL and have told her on many occasions how lovely a Mum I think she is, my GS is gorgeous, happy, chatty, interesting and interested, I adore him and am lucky to live fairly near and see him frequently.

My DIL is overweight by about 3 stone, her parents are both overweight, her only brother is overweight and his daughter of 13 years is overweight (resulting in health problems) My son is not overweight nor is anyone else on "our side" of the family.

My dilemma is whether I should say anything to my son, who I know would tell my DIL, I do not want to risk my good relationship with them but I feel worried that my wonderful little GS will face problems caused by obesity, I am concerned that my DIL sees it as normal because of her family who she is very close to.

So advise me please, would IBU to raise my concerns.

yoursfan

I think we have the same dad!

Also be aware that DC often pile of weight just before they shoot up - so think about how long this weight has been a concern for you.

Plus DC are weighed in reception she your DS and DIL will be given an idea of weight and opportunity to talk to professionals if it's a concern then - which depending on when DC was three might be within the next 6 months.

My son is 3 years 6 months, 98cms and 13.5 kgs

My daughter is 1 year 4 months, 82 cms and 13.5 kgs

They get the same food. One loves eating, the other, not so much

Different children grow in different ways

At 3 and a half I would leave it be. Is he active? Toddlers tend to get quite chubby before shooting up anyway. School will flag it up when he starts reception, if they consider it a problem.

If he's in good health, what's the problem?

I don't think you should say anything. Your DiL has not asked you for parenting advice. Let her parent her son as she chooses. Her family's weight is none of your business.

yours -

Op says she wants to talk to her son about this. I can't see that as blaming ddil, but she seems like she dosent want ddil to be offended/upset when dd1 discusses it with his wife.

I agree with pp offer an activity, even just a walk, slow cooker or healthy recipe book as gift for ds and ddil, and try not to worry x

Just had a look in DS 'red book' - according to the centile chart he is just under 91st centile for weight/age. So, by no means off the scale and probably no real cause for concern for now.

weight and height 91st centile - no cause for concern
weight 91st centile, height below 50th centile - overweight

so I think that is slightly false reassurance.

Maybe go as far as offering to pay for activities like swimming lessons? Rather than focus on weight - encourage activity and remove possible obstacles like money? Or offer to take GS to such activities yourself ?

Difficult situation and its a real pity that people have to pussyfoot around weight rather than dealing with it head on. Especially considering how common a problem it is.

I would hate to see a child I care about heading down this road because its a hard place to come back from.

Your biggest problem is his mother being overweight herself so no matter what you say, it will seem like a dig at her in terms of both her parenting AND her weight.

Could you say something like 'Does xx like chips and sausages so much? Its just he seems to be gaining weight faster than he should at this age. Do you think he would eat more veg and such food instead?'. But be ready to deal with a permanently damaged relationship with your DIL. I'm not even sure what the above would achieve. I would probably speak to my son and say, 'I know you probably see it yourselves so I don't want to add any extra stress about this but xx seems to be gaining weight faster than he should at this age. Please let me know if there is anything I should be doing to help with this when you guys are at my house or I'm looking after him in terms of diet'.

If you're going to say anything it needs to be to your son about how HE us feeding his child - as it's as much his responsibility as hers. And I wouldn't bring her weight into it.

"It is a minefield with obese or overweight people. It is so unhealthy, but also taboo to bring it up in any way, shape or form."

Is it a minefield or an unspoken taboo, now?

I don't think it is. We live in a society with a large number of people who think other people's lifestyle choices are theirs to judge/control/ban and it seems like being overweight is one of the ones they can still take it upon themselves to have a go at people for without seem old-fashioned or X-ist. So they do, in quite judgy/obnoxious fashion.

Children may be a different matter, of course, but I stick to my earlier instinct on this thread - we have an interfering MIL here, the positive stuff is probably just fluff to engender support, the "weight problems" are probably exaggerated and the mum in question is probably a MNer.

I can completely see why you are worried but it would be just about impossible to raise without causing a rift. The health visitor should pick up on it, I think it might be a case of waiting for that and making sure you give him healthy stuff at yours and encourage him to be active. He sounds liked a very happy, very loved little boy.

Thanks so much for your comments, I will not say anything, I was definitely going to but then remembered why I joined Mumsnet , so I asked for your advice and will follow it.

I love my DIL she is kind and thoughtful and how could I not love her when she has given us this fabulous little boy, I wouldn't hurt her for the world. My heart goes out to her when she frets about her weight.

I am very fond of her folks they are lovely people and would do anything for anyone, I am a widow and live alone, they invite me to join in family stuff always and I go to their house frequently.

I don't judge people who are overweight, I only mentioned it because I thought it might have some bearing on my post.

I don't think I am an interfering MIL, it is hard not to be subjective but I honestly think I am loving and supportive, this is born out by the fact that my DIL and I spend lots of time together when my Son is at work, she does random kind, loving and thoughtful things for me.

My GS goes swimming every week and one other fairly energetic activity. My DIL takes him out a lot, the park, bike riding etc, she is a great Mum, maybe "impressed" sounded patronising and condescending it wasn't meant to, for example he loves a particular story and she will read it to him over and over and over again, I don't remember being that patient with mine.

I have 3 other sons and 3 other DILs, we all get on great, in fact it was my eldest son who said I should talk to them about my GS's weight,I had shared my concerns with him though.

They do have a slow cooker and loads of cookery books. I absolutely accept and agree that what my GS eats is as much my sons responsibility as my DIL's.

My GS is at Nursery 3 days a week now so I hope someone will say something to them. I just want him to be healthy and happy.

Thanks everyone.

I don't have as close a relationship with my MIL as it sounds like you have with your DIL, but if she came to me and said something along the lines of "please don't think I'm interfering, you I know I think you're a brilliant mum, but do you think DS is getting a bit chunky for his age?" I'd be ok with that, whether or not I agreed. If she's a reasonable person I don't see why it couldn't be subtlely raised.

Its very hard. I have a friend whose little boy was always on the "podgy" side - those gorgeous chubby arms and cheeks and the same when older too - but he would plump up then grow...significantly. He is now 15 and still the same - gets chubby cheeks and stocky then shoots up AGAIN. His Dad is awful with him...constant nag about what he is eating or not eating counting the fruit he eats and whilst not force feeding him some "healthy" foods puts them in front of him and says "eat". It is utterly misguided. The kid is normal and healthy and does normal healthy things like eat, get chubby, grow (height wise) he is topping 6ft, he gets masses of exercise and is a real outdoor sort, into his farming and so on. Her daughter is the same - thankfully she has plans to LTB for a range of reasons this included before DD gets to the teen stage.

Do you think there is any chance you could offer to look after your GS and ask him to help you prepare a meal for his parents? My DS is the same age and LOVES to 'help' cook. He loves measuring, dividing into portions, finding the food in the vegetable drawer etc. He will also happily eat plenty of raw veg as I am chopping it (stolen food is so much nicer). Might be nice for your DS and DIL to have lunch cooked for them too and your GS would be so proud to serve it!

At least then you could subtly influence some of his eating habits without causing too much offence.

It sounds like you & your DIL have a great relationship :-) I agree with others that this is something you can't raise easily without sounding judgemental. I think the idea of encouraging more physical activity with you is a good one, and definitely worth perusing. Kids can always do more outdoor exercise !

I agree with others that if you DIL struggles with her weight, she will be sensitive to the issue - even if her behaviour isn't following what you would want her to do.

Is your DIL a confident cook? I think it's harder to tackle snacks (short of turning up with extra fruit that 'was on bogof' - if that's the kind of thing you might normally do?) But main meals - could you offer to do some batch cooking for her as a favour - again, some white lies about getting food cheap/needing to use it up? Or just say you've been thinking about how you can help her out: would an evening meal once a week that she could just bung in the oven be helpful? Stress you love cooking/live the idea of making her life easier - but obv don't pressure if she's not sure/decides she'd rather you did the hoovering...!

Helping her to see other ways of cooking/to see food differently might help?

There have been some pretty harsh replies to the op. It is a tricky situation to tackle without causing offence. The offering to do swimming/ slow cooker might help. Depending on your relationship, maybe you could say to your son something about your GS putting on a bit of weight recently. Weight is such a gradual thing it may be that he is unaware it's crept up. Avoiding obesity and all the health related issues and fat cell deposition in a young child might be with risking offence for. If the child was underfed or regularly sunburnt, for eg, there wouldn't be this reluctance to face it and anger about doing so.

Just had a look in DS 'red book' - according to the centile chart he is just under 91st centile for weight/age. So, by no means off the scale and probably no real cause for concern for now

You cannot wait until the child is really fat before being concerned.
The OP mentioned that his diet seems to consist of rubbish and if that doesn't change then the child will become fatter and it won't just magically disappear.

You CAN say something but to be honest, I doubt your DIL will take any notice.
As for anyone saying it is not your business, well it is, you are his grandmother.

The thing is I like your post and the tone of it but I don't believe for a minute that you having a word about your GS will make your DiL feed him any better, not in the long term. She may well resent you.

Sad post really. I don't know how you could make a difference to the boys future weight.

Would your son definitely tell his wife if you mentioned something kindly?

Surely your son can see what's going on?

I get why you are worried and agree it must be very hard to sit back and do nothing.

But it sounds like you have far too much to lose here. You have a great relationship, not only with your DiL but with her whole family, and you get to see your grandson a lot - that's gold to many widowed grandmothers. Keep hold of it!

If my MIL told me she thought DS was getting heavy I wouldn't be offended or fall out with her - we get on well so it would be silly to fall out over that. If presume she had DS's best interests at heart and wasn't just trying to offend me

If I thought she was incorrect id let her know - and if I thought she might be right I'd take steps to reduce his weight.

If you are at their house regularly, could you offer to take the strain and cook from time to time.... Something healthy?