Neighbourhood kids in my house

[Heysham1]

I recently moved into a house with my three young children (6,4 & 3). Nice house, nice street, loads of kids. So far, so good.
However, recently, my house has become the 'hub' for all the other kids living on the street to visit. The age range is from 3 to perhaps 14 years old. Most of the time the kids all play together on the street.

The children are always reasonably polite, but seem very street-wise, something my children aren't.
They will often walk into and around my house without my knowledge and there have been occasions where a 3year old has been wandering around my house without me (or anyone else) knowing where she was. They will walk into bedrooms to take toys to play outside with and generally treat the place like their home.

The parents of these kids (from three other families) do not know me - apart from the odd hello, so it seems odd to me that they should be as lax as to allow little ones to do this.
Another issue is a 10year old boy who seems quite old for his age - as I type this he is lying on my couch watching a DVD with my kids. I didn't invite him into my house (but my kids are happy with him to be there), and he is asking my kids to cuddle him.

So, my questions are such:
Do I have a rule that no other kids are allowed in the house (this seems to be rule for the other houses) - or is that unreasonable and unsociable?
Should little children be left to wander around my house - do I inform the parents?
How do I stop the 10year old from cuddling my kids without causing embarrassment to my kids?

I am often 'responsible' for 9 kids (including my own) running in and out for the house and across the road immediately outside).
Help - am I being taken for a ride!

I think I could have been in this situation as a couple of the local kids started knocking and wanting to come in after school most days. I didn't like it because of the mess but also because it just seemed to stress my own dd out.

So I just said no and if they had just walked in I would have asked them to leave and explained that was not an o.kay thing to do.

Just tell them to leave and explain its not o.kay to come into your house uninvited.

There's nothing wrong with the OPs kids playing out if she is sitting there watching them. They are not bloody roaming.

Why don't posters at least read the OPs posts

Just shoo the other kids out OP. No need to lock yourself in or stop your kids playing in the street.

Fatmomma I kind of agree with you. But the other parents need to be on side and hopefully appreciate what you are doing for them and their kids.

I'm judging, sorry OP! Even reading your posts fully and trying to picture the layout I just don't get it. The ten year old laying on my sofa would get kicked straight out and I feel very uncomfortable at the thought of them wanting to cuddle your 'babies' and you not being sure how to be about this. I hope this gets sorted and you can woman up enough to tell the other children no get out. I have a three year old and I just don't get how someone lets their child of that age out of their site to go into strangers houses. Sounds like an accident waiting to happen.

I admit that I do find it difficult to know the correct boundaries.
This is a very child-centric house - my children's father isn't around, so it is difficult being both 'good-cop/bad-cop' at times.
Saying that, I want my kids to enjoy the freedom of their childhood - but obviously within the rules. We have had a chat about the 'new' rules and why I have set them.

Blueboys - no problem with you judging! Yes, I did throw the 10year old out today and he won't be coming back in to the house. To be clear, it wasn't my three-year old in someone's house, it was someone else's three-year old in my house (but I know I should have handled this better).

Sit in the front yard drinking and smoking (pretend.?) joints and Tell them all to fuck off home loudly in slightly slurred voice. Do this for a week and you'll notice the difference.

Or just summon your ovaries of steel and start running your house how you want to.

Keep the door locked so that the kids have to knock and be let in

Sounds a very crappy situation to be in, I do sympathise. You shouldn't be put in the situation of parenting other people's children though. I think I'm being more judgey of the other parents on the street though.

I was you for first summer in our current house, in a nice estate with a huge green to play on/cycle around. (So no need to come inside as only hardcore soccer players went out in bad weather). I had strict no upstairs rule. And let it go on for a while because i thought it was nice for my DDs to get to know the local children.
One of my neighbours told me the kids try it on whenever there are new neighbours with kids.
So once I got fed up, I started stopping the kids from entering.

I locked the door when we were in, and told the kids that my DC couldn't play just now if they called.
If one snuck in, I'd say, ok Hun, everyone out of the house now, or ok Hun, time to go now DC aren't free to play at the moment. I used a 'matter of fact' voice. (In my head it was "Oi, out"
They will soon get the message. The kids around here did, and I got my house back. I must admit I had to work up my nerve to do it. So you are not alone!

I'm the youngest of 5 and all of us played out.

When we wanted to come back in, we just knocked on the door...same as the other kids in the street knocked on theirs.

No way would I put up with kids in my house uninvited.

I feel a bit like you Fatmomma :o

I also have neighbor children in the house a lot - in and out as I kick them out (with my kids in tow or without) when I feel like it, and if the weather is dry don't let them stay indoors long.

I do think the OP needed some boundaries though - the kids have to ask if they can come in to my house and they have to be looking for a named child of mine to play with :o Nominated host child has to want them there, and if they aren't playing together the neighbour child will be sent home.

My DS1 plays football with boys several years older than him outside, but those boys don't come in (we've only had one who ever wanted to tbh, and he was new to the village and had younger siblings and was just looking for a niche I think - never the less he often nagged DS1 to nag me to let him play on the computer or watch TV so I made him an outdoor only friend :o )

You have to have boundaries, but it is nice to be the hub for village kids- my kids phone 'round and invite kids when there's nobody calling, or call for the other kids - it's very limited only having your siblingsto play with (especially when you don't necessarily have the same interests and play styles) - I love the life my kids have being a bit free range and having lots of choice of company to suit their mood (always able to rustle up a couple of friends to play football or to climb trees or to write and perform a little play, or hunt for snails, or play imaginary games - and not always being on top of siblings, which leads to bickering.

I have a bit of an open house policy around here, which gives my husband the irites sometimes, I must admit, but I think its nice to have loads of kids roaming in and out. But even then I need to lay down some ground rules.

I was getting pestered for drinks and snacks a lot. I don't mind that much in theory but I don't necessarily know what they are allowed to eat, or when they are having dinner, so its easier to say no unless they are officially invited to stay for dinner or BBQ. And when they want a drink I just say "if you are dying of thirst perhaps its time you went back home?" and they shut up pretty quick. They try it on though because i have a soda stream which they are obsessed with.

My husband as I said gets the arse with it sometimes and tries to make them all stay outside. "Yes, you can play, but IN THE STREET or IN THE GARDEN!" and then he regrets it because they keep knocking on the door (usually our kids) saying "I just need to get this/that" and then the others will creep in

Their ultimate goal is to get in, get snacks, and get soda stream so I let them think they have won and let them in, but say they have to stay in my son's room and if they start spying on me or fiddling with my lipsticks then they are off home.

I love my street, the kids are great, summers are amazing with all these healthy active kids running amok like the good old days, its fab. Not an x box in sight.

Sometimes I come good with snacks and do popcorn if I've put a movie on. And I let one of them plait my hair the other day.

Why are 10 year olds 'who look older', and 'up to 14 year olds', even remotely welcome in your house when your eldest is just 6? My eldest is 6. If a 14 year old turned up wanting to 'play and cuddle' I'd be calling the police, not letting him lie on the sofa.

As the 'new' family you're probably just being nice and not wanting to start getting all 'clear off you lot' on them but what has probably happened is that over time all the other parents in the neighbourhood have had a meltdown 'sod off out of my house you lot' moment and locked the doors so now they've migrated over to the nice new womans' house.

You need to lock the doors and tell them to clear off.

Argh! If you all lived here you'd have a heart attack. (Or maybe you'd relax, perhaps, when you saw it in action.) Kids of 3-4 (younger siblings) play out with a gang of older kids, it's bloody brilliant, honestly.

There is supervision, but there is an element of trust too. There are boundaries, and expectations, and rules. But the fun they have, it's wonderful. It is a "naice" area, so the kids are "naice" too except mine, who are feral beasts. The older ones look out for the younger ones. The younger ones get an understanding of different social rules. They are all just outdoors using their imaginations and having fun.

It is hard to appreciate if you don't live somewhere this is possible, I know that, but it can absolutely be safe, depending on how the houses and neighbourhood is set up.

OP - if weather's good, I expect them all to 'play out" i.e. out the front, not be in and out one at a time. e.g. youngest can't stay out if elder sibling wants to come in (small exception for if playing with very responsible neighbour child who knows they are "in charge" in that scenario and to get me at a whiff of trouble.) People in the house or back garden = strongly discouraged if I can help it! They all go to the toilet at their own homes and eat their own snacks unless I'm feeling particularly benevolent and it's very cheap i.e. ice pops on a very hot day

I don't get this. I've taught my kids that they don't open the door unsupervised. I keep the top bolt, that they can't reach, locked when I'm in the loo/shower.
There is no way a random kid would end up in my house. If they did, I'd get rid of them.

Expat - I DID say feel free to ignore me.

HeartsTrump and NurNoch (and a couple of others, but not specifically) thank you! I was starting to feel I was a nutter!!!!

So glad it's not just me. And I DID say she needs to set the boundaries that are comfortable for her (or, at least, I meant to!)

(although, no problems that other people would do things differently).

Are you an adult?
Just stop it - they are all in your house only because the other parents sensibly don't allow it.
Shouldn't you know exactly where your very young children are at all times? Free access to the street at these ages is ridiculous, to your garden only would be fine.
I'd also have a word with your children about the cuddling as it obviously concerns you and you should go with your gut instincts.

I'm confused as to why you're ok with your kids hanging out with 14 yos when the oldest is 6? What kind of weirdo 14yos are they?

It sounds really unusual that kids just wander in without even asking. Has it been going on a while? We have hundreds of kids round here (also recently moved from somewhere with none!) but they always knock and ask first. You are perfectly entitled to sit outside your house watching your own children and not let any others come in. There are polite ways to say it - 'no, just dd this time, she won't be a moment, wait here will you?'

Assertive is the way forward.

I have often wondered why so many knock at our door, and not for example the house next to us. We both have only one child of that age (10/11/12) but kids never knock there and are continually knocking here.

I have concluded that it's one of two things. First - the parents aren't horrible, in fact the opposite but there are two of them and maybe fathers answering the door scares children more??! or maybe they think, single parent = less of a family boundary there? I don't know.

I always found adults asked me for favours etc more being a single parent than they would chance asking a 'proper' family, assuming the 'proper' family would have its own plans iyswim.

Second thing is perhaps that we always answer the door.

I have set in motion a system whereby we don't - maybe once a day is Ok but if the same kids comes back over and over again, I start practising behaviourism on them and stop answering, and they definitely don't knock so much.

Sorry for the waffle but my point is, children don't mind you laying down rules. In fact they expect it and they are willing to comply if you set any.

You can be very polite but still very firm, and you can start to practise this now, and keep on at it, and they will get the message.

Good luck!

Sophie maybe they call for your child more because s/he is nicer or more fun than the one next door, not because you're a single mum :o

I like that my kids have friends calling and don't get the never letting your kids answer the door thing - loads on MN say that as if it's normal, but we can see from the window who is walking up the drive -why on eaearth wouldn't I let my kids answer the door to their friends? I wonder if there is a magic age at which people do let their kids answer the door - 10? 14? 16

It's just common sense and natural the kids ask before letting anyone in and my kids are quite rude and just send other kids away saying they don't want to play if they don't, which works too or before (as happens more often) going out to play with whoever has called.

I grew up in a close, so there was very little traffic. A large group of us would all play together in the turning circle but would they would also come to our house, There is a photo of abut 10 of us in our back garden in the dressing up clothes. The age gap would have been about 8 years from oldest to youngest but it was great fun.

My mum wasn't in paid employment, she did voluntary stuff, and so would walk a group of us to primary school, so i guess the other parents all trusted her.

I think you need to set some boundaries but otherwise this could be a lovely experience for your children.

Or you could just tell the kids very nicely that you've introduced a new house rule and kids have to knock and be given permission by you to come in.