Should SIL be forced to bring DD to graveyard?

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Posting on behalf of my SIL, my DH's brother's wife. When BIL was a toddler and DH wasn't born PIL had a stillborn DS and of course after he was buried they visited his grave with BIL and then DH, this tradition has continued until the present day. SIL has just had her first DD and PIL want her and the baby to start coming up to visit the grave with them, BIL and DH.

The problem is SIL doesn't feel comfortable bringing her DD. her reasons are that she doesn't feel comfortable enmeshing her DD in this tradition as she feels it is spreading and sharing the grieving process to a baby and isn't needed. She doesn't mind if DD is told about her uncle or anything else, she's just not comfortable with the tradition itself for children. BIL wants to bring his DD to please his PILs as he doesn't really care personally if his DD is brought so SIL feels backed into a corner and feels like she is being made to feel guilty.

Is she BU?

Our son, who lived only a few hours, would be just 18. He is buried at our local cemetery and I visit his grave on his birthday and at Christmas nowadays. It used to be a lot more often. Sometimes I sit and have a chat to him. In my imagination he has grown up but of course never did. My DH doesn't come anymore. I have never expected our children to come; once or twice they have. One is older; one is younger.

I cannot imagine forcing or even expecting anyone else to visit with me and certainly not those who might join the family in the future in the context of daughters or sons in law. They were not part of those times or of that grief although they would of course know there was a middle child.
It is a grief DH and I have come to terms with, which ds1 cannot remember and which dd was too young to know.

Grief is something one comes to terms with in my opinion; not something to introduce and share and keep alive a generation later. That your ILs need to do this makes me wonder if they have come to terms with their grief; if they were cared for and loved when they had to face it and whether even now they need help to do so.

This thread makes me very sad. Have you ever talked to your MIL about her son; the colour of his hair; the labour; whether she was able to hold and say goodbye to him; whether she found out why he died. Those are all very important things and very real to her and perhaps if she had found a way to express some of those things the introduction of this ritual might not be so important. I do wonder if she was loved enough and helped enough when it happened and whether it might not be too late for that emotional support to come now. If it never did I think the wounds do fester and fail to heal.

Do you think OP the thing to do might be to talk to her about her son and let her share in your gratefulness that your child is here and safe and healthy and empathise a little with the horror that she faced a situation where her son was not. It does rather seem to me that she has ritualised a grief not faced and a pain that has never faded into her family's history to be a patchwork of its intricate tapestry - part of what makes that family but by no means all of it.

Try but this year she has just hada baby - lliterally one week ago, and her first. Some people apparently ping back to normal instantly (according to MN) but for most people this means she will be physically uncomfortable, on a raging hormone roller coaster, very emotional and a bit anxious about keeping her newborn safe. This is not the time to insist she take her newborn on a 4 hour round trip to visit a newborn baby's grave - it's not churlish not to go, it's ridiculous martyrdom even to contemplate putting herself through it - or a 5+ hour separation from said newborn and 4 hours in a car seat.

Why is there always a contingent on MN who argue that once you become a mother you have to suck up any old shit from everyone else otherwise you're selfish... As long as you don't put your kids first, as that would be martyrdom...

Beau that is a beautiful post - sorry for your loss

OP, I'm so glad your SIL has you and your DH looking out for her. Your DH also needs to talk your BIL in general about supporting his wife rather than trying to just do what his mother says. Your SIL has a week old baby! One week old! And he expected her to just go on a 4 hour round trip with a newborn? WTF was he thinking? And the PIL also? This should never have even been an issue from the minute it was mentioned - he should have told them no immediately.

And I can't understand posters saying she should just do it as it is only once a year. The baby is ONE WEEK OLD. Nobody seems to be thinking of the best interests of SIL and her newborn baby. PIL are being incredibly unreasonable.

"What a pathetic thread" - Catswag, wow, really? Are you serious?

I also want to add that putting a newborn baby through a completely unnecessary 4 hour car trip in a car seat is just outrageous.

Bea, you post was beautiful . In the early days when I first met MIL I already knew about her baby boy from DH and obviously did not bring up such a personal thing for her there and then, I let her open up to me when she was ready which was when her baby's first anniversary came up when I was first in the picture. She told about the birth and what happened, the details very vague and she didn't share much so I did not pry. Later did not change, if I inquired how she was doing about up coming anniversaries she would give me short replies that were mostly the same. Therefore I felt she wasn't comfortable sharing more than what she had already with me and while those questions might be thoughtful to some they would seem as prying and more of an annoyance to my MIL, DH confirmed this when I asked him so I don't want to open a can of worms when I know how she feels about sharing more than is needed.

It's clearly a very sad and sensitive subject.

However my instinct is to say that SIL should not be pressured into attending.

Firstly, given the age of the baby its simply too far a journey.

Secondly I take the view that I would prioritise the best interests of the child above that of adults. I can't see the benefit to the grandchildren in visiting the grave of a baby they never knew and being witness to their grandparents distress at an age they are unlikely to understand it.

If when they are older, they want to go, then I think that's a very different matter and in the meantime explaining where Daddy has gone for the day and talking about their uncle is a good thing and shouldn't be swept under the carpet.

Grief is a terrible and very personal thing and whilst I am sympathetic to the grandparents wanting to mark this occasion - especially with their sons - I don't think you can force a tradition through the generations and extended family

Could your SIL offer to light a candle on the day in memory, or maybe suggest that later in the year a memorial tree could be planted locally for grandchildren to visit (there are various organisations which do this)? Would your MIL appreciate additional ways of remembering her DS?

Nobody should be forced to do something they don't want to do, especially with a new baby.

In Ireland, we have something called 'The Blessings of the Graves'. Every year, a huge service is held in the graveyard. Everybody goes and stands round their family plot, hymns are sung, prayers, that kind of thing. I have many memories of sitting round our family graves with all my cousins. I have many memories of attending wakes and funerals. I have always found these things comforting, even uplifting, not depressing or morbid.

Hope you get it all sorted out

I'm sorry, and happy to be told I'm weird and unfeeling and whatever, but the people who are able to grieve are those directly affected by it, surely?

Sil isn't a relative. While she'll feel sympathy to anyone who has lost a child, to be forced to participate in something she's has no real tangible connection with years and years after the fact, it's verging on indulgent of the PIL and unhealthy to boot.

By all means, an expression of consideration, a "thinking of you at this difficult time" but being bamboozled and guilt tripped into taking a week old baby to the graveside of another passed years previously is not right. It's not right at all.

Some consideration for the living would be far better placed here.

No lighting candles either, it's not the sils loss to grieve.

Did this pressure start after the birth of the newly baby? Or has this been mounting?

You said no OP, your Sil can say no too.

Perhaps the first generation mourns the lost child, the second celebrates his life.

If you want to start a traditional of rememberance, do the lunch thing, with the kids and the PIL can join you all later. Or not.

I get the impression that whatever you do will be wrong anyway.