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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How do I get through this funeral without being very rude to one of my relatives?

61 replies

IHeartKingThistle · 14/06/2015 10:30

It's my grandma's funeral tomorrow. I miss her. My DC miss her. We loved her. We made sure the DC had a relationship with her even though we live miles away. We visited every few weeks, I wrote to her ever since I left home for years and years. I still wish we had done more.

But I have a lot of cousins who didn't bother, didn't see her. I have aunties who fought over NOT having to have her for Christmas, who talked to her like she was stupid and annoying. They will all be there tomorrow. I can't bear the thought of talking to any of them. I will have to.

I won't say anything bad because my parents would be mortified and I wouldn't do that to them. What I want to do is give them all a Hmm face and stalk off. I won't do that either.

It's not really an AIBU is it? I'm just so angry and sad.

OP posts:
LindyHemming · 14/06/2015 10:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

shirleybasseyslovechild · 14/06/2015 10:37

because it's about your grandma and not about you

meercat23 · 14/06/2015 10:37

Sorry for your loss IHeart It sounds as if some of your family members missed the point about your Grandma and so they missed out on spending time with her and having the kind of relationship you had with her.

I wouldn't give them a second thought and don't waste your anger. Just give your self time to mourn your Grandma and remember her with love.

Original poster
IHeartKingThistle · 14/06/2015 10:37

Thank you. I know I sound judgy. I'm not sure I can help it at the moment.

OP posts:
Original poster
IHeartKingThistle · 14/06/2015 10:47

Shirley I do know that. That's why I'm venting on here. I will be lovely to everybody tomorrow. But thanks for making me feel shit.

OP posts:
Shakirasma · 14/06/2015 10:54

I'm sorry for your loss OP Flowers

You clearly had a warm, close and happy relationship with your grandma. That is wonderful and you should treasure your memories.

But relationships are very personal things and just because others didn't have the same type of relationship with her that doesn't mean they are bad people and it doesn't mean they aren't upset and grieving and sorry they've lost her.

Mermaidhair · 14/06/2015 10:58

It is going to be hard. I went through the same thing at my dh funeral. I wanted to tell some people to fuck off. But I am better than that, and I know you are to. This would happen at funerals around the world. It's what people do. Try not to let them get to you. Wine or Brew for you.

Original poster
IHeartKingThistle · 14/06/2015 11:01

Thanks both. I get it. Mermaid I'm so sorry for your loss.

OP posts:
velocityofbeans · 14/06/2015 11:02

I'm sorry for your loss OP

At my DM's funeral we had relatives turn up who hadn't spoken to her in 20 years and couldn't be bothered with her while she was ill. I hated that they were there, but was nice and polite, even if I had to bite my tongue. When I got home it was different, I ranted a lot, but my DM would have been pleased they made the effort I suppose.

Good Luck for tomorrow, keep thinking nice thoughts about your Grandma, and bite your tongue if you have to Flowers

paxtecum · 14/06/2015 11:02

I know how you feel.
My 'D'B lives far away on another continent. When our DM was on her own and in her 80s his only contact was to phone her every few months.

He couldn't be bothered to phone her regularly because she irritated him.

I've often wanted to give him a piece of my mind, but my parents who are no longer here, wouldn't have liked us to fall out.

He recently told me that he wishes our parents had been buried rather than cremated , because when he comes back to the UK, every 5 years or so, he'd like to put flowers on their grave.
Of course, it would be me who would have to keep the grave tidy and with flowers the rest of the time, like it was me who looked after our Mum.

For your Grandma's sake bite your tongue.
She probably knew who thought she was a nuisance and who loved her.

Kewcumber · 14/06/2015 11:07

I totally disagree with Shirley - funerals aren't for the dead - they are for the living, to help the living say to goodbye and hope that a rite of passage ceremony helps those grieving to move on.

The reason you will sit tight and smile nicely through pursed lips is because it will spoil the day for you and your DC's if you do anything else. But I'm sure it will be hard.

Can you make a plasticine figure and keep it in your pocket along with some pins?

FryOneFatManic · 14/06/2015 11:12

I'm sorry for your loss. Thanks

It sounds like you had a really good relationship with your grandma, something to treasure and remember. I'd hold on to those memories and don't waste your energy on those other people. Keeping some space between you might help.

noddingoff · 14/06/2015 11:13

Sorry for your loss OP. I felt really emotional at my granny's funeral (even though I am not normally a crier). I loved her...and all my cousins, aunties and uncles loved her too (she was great and helped bring us all up) and everyone had really pulled together in the last few years of her life and the funeral was sad, but sweet.

The funeral was hard enough - it would have been twenty times harder if lots of the other relations had been as you describe. I agree with Euphemias plan. Take care to sit with the relations who cared about your gran and talk to them, your parents and your own children. You can pretend that your aloofness is grief induced. Focus hard on your thoughts of you and your grandma, and how much your DC loved her. The sadness is a "better" emotion than the anger, because the anger is about the others, the sadness doesn't involve them. So if you start feeling angry, shut them out of your private thoughts by focusing on feeling sad instead.

Practise a face that'll pass muster and a few bland responses for when you have to come into contact with the crap relations. If any of them start creating all-about-me drama about the sandwiches or parking spaces or whatever, just excuse yourself for a pee and escape the scene as quickly as possible (for some deep breathing exercises or a cigarette, whatever floats your boat)

I hope you're able to think about some happy memories tomorrow too, but if you can't then later on go on your own or with DC somewhere you used to go with your grandma and think about her there and lay a little bunch of daisies or something. Will be thinking about you tomorrow x

SorchaN · 14/06/2015 11:15

Sorry for your loss. And I can understand how you feel, especially because grief can make these kinds of feelings particularly raw.

It's quite easy to fall out with family members when you're bereaved and feeling upset. I had a huge fight with my brother the day before my dad's funeral (we patched things up quickly). At least you're aware that you feel this resentment towards members of your family and you'll be able to keep a lid on it at the funeral itself.

Can you write them letters (that you WILL NOT send) outlining your anger towards them? Maybe that would help to get things off your chest without actually engaging with your relatives at the funeral. Then tomorrow if they speak to you, you can politely nod and say nothing except that you will miss your Grandma.

fiveacres · 14/06/2015 11:16

I don't have a huge amount of patience with this situation.

People you don't like were related to your grandma. They turn up to the funeral.

Hmm
Wheelerdeeler · 14/06/2015 11:19

I experienced this. My cousin turned up at a family funeral having had nothing to do with any of us for 8 years. He had the audacity to wipe away a tear at the coffin. I wanted to throttle him. To roar and scream. But I didnt. I kept my distance from him. Spent the time with the family I am close to and love.

I totally get your upset. It's hard to push it to one side. I hope the funeral is on for you.

Wheelerdeeler · 14/06/2015 11:20

Ok. I hope funeral is ok.

Sparklingbrook · 14/06/2015 11:21

What Euphemia said. Sit by people you do like and try not to think about the others. Flowers

Poppet1974 · 14/06/2015 11:24

In the years to come you'll remember the relationship you had with your grandmother, you'll not think of the people who didn't have a relationship with her.
Don't let them spoil the day, it's for you to remember her and say goodbye, let them think about how they were with her before she died.
So sorry for your lossFlowers

Original poster
IHeartKingThistle · 14/06/2015 11:25

Thank you lovely MNetters. I am going to rise above it.

OP posts:
MorrisZapp · 14/06/2015 11:27

I kind of agree with fiveacres. Unless people behave offensively at funerals, in which case you'd be justified in having a stiff word, it's just part of life.

I attended a funeral recently of a relative I hadn't seen in over ten years. Showing respect by attending the funeral is not a statement of having been close or to have helped with practical care of the deceased.

SaucyJack · 14/06/2015 11:32

I don't think anyone has the right to police anyone else's grief tbh- not least because your grandma was (I'm assuming same side of the family) your aunts' own mother. They have at least as much right to be there and express their personal feelings as anybody else.

Sorry for your loss.

Original poster
IHeartKingThistle · 14/06/2015 11:33

I do understand that. It's the lack of caring I can't cope with. One of my aunties emailed me holiday photos 4 hours after we got the news and didn't even refer to what had happened Sad.

OP posts:
Original poster
IHeartKingThistle · 14/06/2015 11:34

MIL in that case, not mother.

OP posts:
WeAllHaveWings · 14/06/2015 11:37

Your cousins didn't have the same relationship as you did with your grandma. Just because people are related doesn't mean they will get on the same or all have the same level of closeness.

Not your place to decide what level of relationship people should have.

She was their grandma too, they might not have been as close as you, but have every right to be at the funeral without judgement.

You have nothing to rise above.

Sorry for your loss.

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