How do I get through this funeral without being very rude to one of my relatives?

[IHeartKingThistle]

It's my grandma's funeral tomorrow. I miss her. My DC miss her. We loved her. We made sure the DC had a relationship with her even though we live miles away. We visited every few weeks, I wrote to her ever since I left home for years and years. I still wish we had done more.

But I have a lot of cousins who didn't bother, didn't see her. I have aunties who fought over NOT having to have her for Christmas, who talked to her like she was stupid and annoying. They will all be there tomorrow. I can't bear the thought of talking to any of them. I will have to.

I won't say anything bad because my parents would be mortified and I wouldn't do that to them. What I want to do is give them all a face and stalk off. I won't do that either.

It's not really an AIBU is it? I'm just so angry and sad.

True enough and the tone was against my horrible aunt by the way - not you lot :) That wasn't clear though.

I do get generally irritated with those who claim saint like status to the deceased, as if those of us who yelled at them, moaned about them, complained about them and sometimes ignored them, loved them any less.

Families are weird!

Any danger or reining it in a bit fiveacres? You're coming across as quite aggressive and not just to the OP!

Someone is grieving, her children are grieving, and she is sharing her thoughts here rather than at the funeral. She said in her OP that she isn't planning on actually saying anything but you've referred to 'spoilt brat behaviour'.

Given that on another thread yesterday you were policing other people's responses to an OP you happened to side with I think you need to back down a little and think about how you are treating someone who is grieving.

What? When?

I absolutely do not want to cause distress; what pissed me off here was the holier-than-thou presentation of the OP by the OP as opposed to the other members of the family. But I shall shut up now

OP, I'm sorry for your loss and I totally see where you are coming from, you wanted better for your lovely Grandma whilst she was alive. FWIW some people only realise what they have when it is gone....could your relatives be like this...extra upset because they know they should have been better.
Fiveacres...rein it in. Not helpful, not kind. Of course all opinions are valid but show some compassion.

I feel so many people are missing the point here, probably because they havent experienced this yet.

The op is hurting, thats all. She misses her gran and is pissed off people who couldnt be bothered with her gran will turn up weeping and wailing at the funeral with bunches of flowers, when they wouldnt have have dreamt of visiting the gran with a bunch of flowers when she was alive.

I get it, op, I've had this. Just do what suits you tomorrow, everyone else will.

....and your gran knew what you did for her, when she was here, when it mattered.

Condolences Op...

When my Gran died a few years ago there was a huge divide in the family due to issues regarding her (deceased) husband and the distressing choice she had made in the final years of him being alive after decades of domestic abuse that her dcs 9my dad and his siblings) had suffered.

Except one sibling was utterly uetterly in denial... he had ignored his mum, down played the abuse to his children, arranged the funeralof his dad and portayed him to be a saint. I didn't go as I had no time for him, he was a horrible husband and father.

My uncle told lies, visted my gran and told her her house was terrible (it wasn't!) sent her christmas cards from a plain box set his wife wrote... lots and lots of horrible things.

And yet they came to her funeral.

She was his mum so I could not begrudge him to come. But he didn't care. He was in casual dress (he had a game of golf booked with siome friends after0 and chatted as though he hadcalled in to the supermarket not the church!

I just bit my lip, nodded and smiled appropriately and showed best behaviour.

It would have been unfair to spoil my Grans funeral with disagreements.

But the nice part was finding a letter tucked in with her will we read out at the wake. She thanked everyone for helping her... especially me, my brother and our spouses.

Aww bless you. Sorry for your loss Take comfort in the fact that though that you were a wonderful Grand daughter and your GM was lucky to have you and your family.
About not saying anything. It'll be hard very hard. And I do not blame you wanting to say something but I think you just have to remind yourself that tomorrow is a celebration of your GM's life just like any funeral, and I'm sure she wouldn't want any trouble.
However I must say these things that we keep under Wraps and bite our tongues over, can have a habit of coming out after a few too many vodkas.
Don't know if you do drink or not. Will be drinking or not, and I don't want to know. That's your business, but if you do go easy. Because like I say a few too many drinks can make you speak your mind and while you're entitled to do so at some point your dear GM funeral is certainly not the time nor the place.
Sorry if I have came over as patronising. Please believe me when I say. That is really and truthfully not my intent.

I'm with you, OP. It's fucking hard.

My beloved great aunt died a few years ago. She was widowed young, never remarried, never had children. My mum, her sister, one cousin and myself stepped up to support her in her final years.

On her passing her (very old) will was discovered, which left her estate to mum, mums sister, the cousin - and another cousin, M, that I had never even heard of, never mind met. She had seen g.aunt for many years, never contacted her, nothing.

M turned up at the funeral weeping and wailing and making a show and we bit our lips and tolerated her, until we got to the wake and she sidled up to my mother, put an arm around her and said "alright my sweetheart?".

I've never seen my mother go puce so fast. She spun around and hissed "I am NOT your bloody sweetheart!". M made swift exit.

Never seen her since.

Sweetheart indeed.

Some people are fuckers. Sadly many of us have to be related to them.

If you can't be bothered with someone in life, it's a bit rich to think there's any 'respect' in turning up to their funeral.

I agree with the poster upthread who said funerals are for the living

IME they are for those who weren't there when needed to turn up and make a big show of caring

at my mums funeral I just thought, where were you all when she needed you? its too late now to come loaded with flowers, why didn't you visit her with flowers when she was here and alone for years?

I didnt sit with them at the funeral or at the wake afterwards

hope it goes ok, op, for you and your grans sake xx