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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How do I get through this funeral without being very rude to one of my relatives?

61 replies

IHeartKingThistle · 14/06/2015 10:30

It's my grandma's funeral tomorrow. I miss her. My DC miss her. We loved her. We made sure the DC had a relationship with her even though we live miles away. We visited every few weeks, I wrote to her ever since I left home for years and years. I still wish we had done more.

But I have a lot of cousins who didn't bother, didn't see her. I have aunties who fought over NOT having to have her for Christmas, who talked to her like she was stupid and annoying. They will all be there tomorrow. I can't bear the thought of talking to any of them. I will have to.

I won't say anything bad because my parents would be mortified and I wouldn't do that to them. What I want to do is give them all a Hmm face and stalk off. I won't do that either.

It's not really an AIBU is it? I'm just so angry and sad.

OP posts:
fiveacres · 14/06/2015 11:39

so you don't like them Heart - that's fine and you don't like how they behave.

Why this bothers you so much you can't apparently bring yourself to be civil to them I don't know.

I have had to deal with a fair few funerals and every single one has had people attend them who I don't much care for but the funeral was about saying goodbye to the people I loved not my dislike of others.

fiveacres · 14/06/2015 11:40

And YY wings

Original poster
IHeartKingThistle · 14/06/2015 11:50

To be clear, it's not that I don't like them. They've always been fine with me. It's not that I care whether they were close to my grandma or not. That's none of my business.

So yeah, OK, maybe you're right. But even if it wasn't my grandma I would think it was pretty shit for relatives who live close to only visit an old lady once in a blue moon, to talk to her like she was stupid, to talk about her like she was a nuisance. And to be honest I hope when I'm old that my children and grandchildren think like me and not like some of you.

I'm going to back off from this now. Both sides of the discussion have genuinely helped and I'm grateful to everyone who's contributed.

OP posts:
YouTheCat · 14/06/2015 11:55

Heart didn't say she couldn't bring herself to be civil to them. She is angry and grieving and using MN to have a vent instead of letting it out at the people who she's annoyed with.

Sparklingbrook · 14/06/2015 11:56

I agree You. Nothing wrong with a MN vent. That's AIBU though-people come along to put you straight. Sad

Kewcumber · 14/06/2015 11:58

I in your camp Heart I think it's OK to set a standard of decency when treating the vulnerable and judge when people within your own family fall short.

I judge my own father for his treatment of his mother when she was very elderly and had dementia. Of course he grieved for her in his own way and I've never said a word to him about it, though it was difficult when he was explaining to a friend of mine that he barely knew that he didn;t bother with his mother because she was "a cabbage". Leaving out the fact that a) it wasn't true 100% of the time b) she adored seeing him c) that left everything to his sister and niece.

It isn't that I don't like him exactly - I just can't respect him for how he treated her.

I think it's OK to judge particularly in your case OP when you are grieving for your grandma and you resent the way some people treated her during her life.

You sound just fine to me, resentful but dignified... judge away!

fiveacres · 14/06/2015 12:08

I think there is something wrong with a 'mumsnet rant' when it is worded in such a way as to suggest that close members of the family are inferior to you (and thus how very dare they go to the funeral) because their relations with the deceased are not quite what YOU wanted.

And I fell out with and at times disliked my family but i didn't stop LOVING them!

Sparklingbrook · 14/06/2015 12:11

I think it's fine. It's not as if OP was intended to say anything-that would have been different. It's just thoughts and a request for help to get through at a funeral.

DeladionInch · 14/06/2015 12:18

To my dad and his siblings, my gran is a self-absorbed, demanding, rude old lady

To me she's pleasant if a bit abrupt occasionally

To DS, she spoils and indulges him absolutely rotten and he'll be sainted by the pope any day now (no, he won't, he's your standard 2yo)

My point being, we have very different ways of relating to her. My dad has had 50 years of not even a hello when he walks in before she launches into a tirade of "the television is on the blink, I need you to change a lightbulb, my printer needs ink" usually after a long day/week at work and at the expense of things he should be doing for his own family (she's quite capable of hiring someone to do odd jobs) He also gets "well would do it for me"

I get tea made and the scrabble board set out. Oh, and if you have a moment perhaps dh could pop a battery in something please thank you.

DS gets cake baked in his honour and new toys filthy and from the church fete She's 94 so that's a pretty big effort.

Frenchmustard7 · 14/06/2015 12:21

Tomorrow is your celebration of your grannies life. Forget the others and keep your eyes on those you love and care for

Kewcumber · 14/06/2015 12:27

I don't love all my family - certainly not all my cousins - there's some I haven't even seen for nearly 30 years. And if they weren't nice to someone I loved within the family I too would have a hard time being nice to them.

I'm not superhuman. Essentially OP is planning to be a damn sight nicer than her cousins and Aunts are but is getting it in the neck for that from some people becuase she's not doing it in a loving enough way!

fiveacres · 14/06/2015 12:28

She is not getting it in the neck. It is uncomfortable to read people's spoilt brat behaviour.

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 14/06/2015 12:28

their relations with the deceased are not quite what YOU wanted

Fiveacres, Heart isn't saying everybody should have behaved like her and she isn't saying they shouldn't be at the funeral. She said:

I have a lot of cousins who didn't bother, didn't see her. I have aunties who fought over NOT having to have her for Christmas, who talked to her like she was stupid and annoying.

That's poor behaviour by anybody's standard, surely? Unless there's a huge back story that Heart hasn't mentioned, it does sound as it they were not close to Heart's grandma in life, largely through laziness and selfishness, but they may be about to portray themselves as her nearest and dearest now that she's gone.

That's tough but unfortunately all part of family life. I hope it goes all right tomorrow, Heart. I'm sorry for your loss. Thanks

MrsNippyCat · 14/06/2015 12:36

I was in this position a couple of weeks ago.

I managed to rise above my feelings for my cousin, be civil to him when I ha to speak to him and spent time with other relatives who I felt more positively about.

It doesn't matter. Their relationship or lack thereof with your grandma is not your issue. You have enough to deal with, with your own grief and that of your DCs. The others may well be filled with regret over what has gone before. Possibly not, but either way it's down to them to deal with.

Your grandma knew who was there for her and you know you made sure you and your DC had a great relationship with her, that has left you all with lovely memories to treasure. That's what matters.

Flowers for you - I understand your loss.

Kewcumber · 14/06/2015 12:38

You have a very peculiar idea of what behaving like a spoilt brat is.

She can't bear the thought of talking to them because they were so dismissive of her grandmother in life. She made very clear she won't do anything to show that.

What exactly is "spoilt" about it?

fiveacres · 14/06/2015 12:40

someone's already explained better than me how different people can seem different to their relatives and friends - even close ones

Failing to recognise that as an adult woman and to start a thread which essentially demands everyone talk about how great the OP was to grandma and how horrible everyone else was - is spoilt

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 14/06/2015 12:40

DeladionInch's post is really interesting in showing that there are always two sides (minimum) to any story. However, from Heart's account that's not quite what's been going on here. Some people are just more loving and giving than others. Half the threads on MN would disappear otherwise!

Sparklingbrook · 14/06/2015 12:41

Exactly Kew. There's no 'behaviour' either just some thoughts.

Pilgrimforever · 14/06/2015 12:45

When my gran died my cousin came to the funeral who had no relationship with my gran at all. I remember sitting in the church thinking he had a nerve turning up. When I spoke to him afterwards ( through gritted teeth ) it turned out that his experience of my gran had been completely different to my own ( due to our gran's behaviour towards him )and as a result he had given up trying to have relationship with her.
I had no idea that this had happened.

fiveacres · 14/06/2015 12:46

Fair enough but I just don't like it. It's the way it's phrased. 'How will I' - as if OPs behaviour is separate to her control, almost.

I detest my aunt (dads sister) - it is a shame because she is my only surviving blood relation. But you know - you just have to suck it up on occasions like weddings and funerals!

And relationships can be and are SO complicated. It isn't on to say that they 'didn't bother' to see your grandmother and half the time in my experience there is stuff going on that you don't know and can't hope to understand. I really didn't like my dads partner but you know - you have to just shrug it off.

It sounds like OPs from a big family and - kindly - you'll go to many more funerals before its your turn and you won't like everybody there or approve of their treatment of the deceased but the funeral isn't about that. It's just a goodbye.

vvega · 14/06/2015 12:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

claravine · 14/06/2015 12:54

Sorry for your loss op. Possibly you are feeling angry as a grief reaction? Try your best to accept your family as they are

EthelDurant123 · 14/06/2015 12:56

Before I entered DHs life his mum passed away at a young age (48). Dh's uncle and his family (on his dads side) were horrid to her when she was alive but they all turned up for her funeral, to support his dad. It took everything for DH not to say or do say anything stupid. (One of the horrible cousins wearing a Mickey Mouse tie certainly didn't help matters). DH says if it wasn't for his best friend and father keeping him calm he would have come over too honest.

At the end of it all, he was grieving for the person who supported him the most. He still misses her. I can only imagine you are grieving too, as are your DC. Give the lazy rellies a wide berth, lean on a trusted relative or friend for support and use the day to celebrate and remember your grandma's life.

fiveacres · 14/06/2015 13:07

I'm not taking delight in it.

I'm sorry if I caused you any distress OP and I do mean that - but on a general point and not specific - people who hog the grief, who insist it is theirs, all theirs, that no one understood or loved the deceased as they did and that no one else has a right to say farewell - I do not have any time for them.

I feel it is amongst one of the most ignorant, selfish and self obsessed behaviours that can be described as such. Of course, as I indicated above, there are people who have attended funerals of people I loved who didn't always behave in a way that I would have wanted them to but that does not give me the right to cast judgement on them in such an awful way.

I know my own mum spoke with anger and impatience to her elderly and frail mother, which probably looks horrible written down so coldly but doesn't account for the years of suffering my mum had been through trying to care for her.

My aunt told my brother he'd caused so much stress for my dad it was no wonder he'd died. Way to go - my brother committed suicide ten months later.

Just sometimes it's better to keep thoughts inside your head. I'm sure you always behaved perfectly to grandmother and I am sure you are above any reproach at all. The rest of us are fucking well human.

vvega · 14/06/2015 13:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.