To think this is what not to say to someone who has recently lost a loved one?

[imwithspud]

"These things happen"

No shit sherlock

Saw a friend a few days ago, she asked how things had been since losing a close family member. I told her and this was her reply. AIBU to think that it's the sort of thing you just don't say to someone who's grieving and that it shows a complete lack of empathy? Death is a part of life, everyone knows that. But comments like that aren't in the least bit helpful.

Agree OP.. We could say "these things happen" about a murder, a baby dying, a family dying in a house fire.. Yes they all happen, but it's a totally inappropriate thing to say. It just sounds so.. casual and blase.. which is two things this situation is definitely not. Hopefully it was just a clumsy moment...

Someone very close to me lost her cousin in a sudden and unexpected way, some clever soul decided to try the "if it's meant to be it's meant to be...."

These things happen is glib and very insensitive. All kinds of things happen and good and bad 'things' happen every day.

I'm another one who is not keen on the phrase "sorry for your loss." To me, it sounds like part of the script for an American TV series and comes across as rather insincere. The British just don't speak like that. Do they?

I've lost 10 family members in the last 2 years (big family!)
There isn't anything anyone can say to make it better.
But almost anything is better than nothing at all.
One woman wrote such lovely things in a card after dad died. I will never forget her words. And yes, they did comfort me.
This same lady still sends mum little letters every 2 months or so.
I dont think she will ever know how much it means to her.

I would rather someone said nothing than something insensitive

Well...some people are just idiots.
All the time.
Not just when someone is bereaved.

Very insensitive.

Depending on who said it is either think they were socially awkward, cold or just plain nasty.

after I had a MC my best friend said she's a bit happy I lost the baby because she had been worried about how I'd cope with 5 kids (as we already had 4 sons).
shittiest thing I was ever told.
she is not my best friend anymore.

(and we went on to have 3 more kids - they are hard work but we cope )

I'm sorry OP about the insensitive comment and very sorry for your loss.

people can be such dickheads, saying the most idiotic things.

It is terribly difficult to get right. After my Mum died I was shocked at how a couple of supposedly close friends couldn't bring themselves to say anything about it at all. However I know it's hard to know what to say. If someone tells me that someone close to them has died, whilst my words may depend on who they are, I try to say that I'm very sorry to hear it and offer any support they need. But it's a tough one. Sympathy to you OP.

TBH, there's very little that people say that would offend me in these circumstances. I understand that people would worry about saying the 'wrong' thing, because when we're in the midst of grieving for a loved one, we don't tend to automatically think about the intention behind the offer of sympathy and may lash out in anger at any and every perceived insensitivity. This in itself can make people very nervous about talking to those who are grieving.

Grief is a funny old emotion because it can drive people to do things they wouldn't normally do.

When My Mum died last year, one neighbour when told that the funeral was at the Crematorium proceeded to give me a lecture on how she didn't believe in cremations. Everyone should be buried and she had six graves to look after. It was her duty. Needless to say I have never spoken to her since.

Some of those replies are awful.

Some of them though are just meaningless platitudes that people trot out because there really are no words that are going to make a bereavement easier. I remember at my dad's funeral someone telling me that it probably hadn't hit me yet but I'd feel much much worse in a few weeks time. It wasn't the best thing to say, but I know she didn't mean any malice. She had come to my father's funeral and made the effort to come over and talk to us.

I would rather a well meant but slightly clumsy remark, than someone saying nothing.

But I'm not excusing some of the heartless responses I've read on here.

I think you have to give people that benefit of the doubt, and gently stop yourself from redirecting your anger at losing your love one onto someone who has said something daft. It is not easy to know what to say when someone has suffered something so exceptionally painful as the death of a loved one; it's not easy to even process it to yourself when it happens to you.

When my first baby was stillborn, one of the hardest things was actually having to deal with people who just didn't know what to say to me. I really couldn't cope with those pitying looks I got; they drove me mad and just reminded me of how other people saw my situation as deeply tragic when I had actually got to a place where I primarily thought about my baby with deep love and a smile, rather than loss.

I always remember one of my close friends saying to me: "Works, I don't know what to say." And you know what? I though about that and replied: "Don't feel awkward. I wouldn't know what to say to me either."

And the fact is that I wouldn't. What would I say to a woman who had gone through what I did? There is nothing you really can say. And I had an old college mate who said that what had happened "was really fucking shit." And you know what? He was right. It was really fucking shit.

I also had "These things happen" and "It was meant to be" -- and you know, people were trying to say the right thing. They were trying to make me feel better, or, at least, not make me feel worse.

Maybe, op, that's the way you need to see it. Your friend asked you how you had been since your loss ... see it as her trying. Okay, her effort didn't entirely work, but what does getting offended by what she said afterwards achieve? Apart from you getting stressed about it?

Our colleague had a bereavement, I said I'd send flowers. My boss said not to as 'the best way of dealing with these things is to pretend they haven't happened'.

OP I am really sorry for your loss.

My dad died 4 years ago. For about 7 years before he died he was in & out of hospital. The first time he went into hospital (he lived about 7 more years...) my friend said to me 'Oh well, he had a good life'. I was stunned. People can be insensitive sometimes BUT I do think people do think some see the loss of an elderly parent as just what happens in life. Sorry for your loss.

When I told my neighbour my DH was terminally ill her answer was "you should think yourself lucky, as you'll always have the memory of having your soul mate. You should actually think about people like me whose husbands don't want to be married. I only had him (pointing to 2nd child) to keep him happy and now he feels trapped....bla bla bla...you're actually really lucky...bla."

Apparently that was also her comforting words to her father when her mother died.

She's a cunt.