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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is what not to say to someone who has recently lost a loved one?

91 replies

imwithspud · 14/06/2015 00:14

"These things happen"

No shit sherlock Hmm

Saw a friend a few days ago, she asked how things had been since losing a close family member. I told her and this was her reply. AIBU to think that it's the sort of thing you just don't say to someone who's grieving and that it shows a complete lack of empathy? Death is a part of life, everyone knows that. But comments like that aren't in the least bit helpful.

OP posts:
Baddz · 14/06/2015 08:52

When my dad died - very suddenly and unexpectedly - friends he had known from his school days would walk To the other side of the road if they saw me coming.
They have never - and it's 2 years next month - spoken to me or said sorry or said anything about what happened.
They act as if everything is normal.
We have no idea how to deal with death in this country.
i didn't expect a eulogy, just an "I'm sorry" would have been nice.

Ragwort · 14/06/2015 09:03

We have no idea how to deal with death in this country.

^^ that is so true, as a society we are very, very bad at dealing with death, talking about death - but it is going to happen to us all. Even on Mumsnet you get threads about people who won't make a Will or arrangements for their children if they die because they can't bear thinking about it. People don't like thinking about their funeral arrangements and making plans.

We need to understand why we are so bad at dealing with death - our local community has set up a Death Cafe (terrible name) - a safe place where people can talk openly about end of life care, death and bereavement.

MoggyP · 14/06/2015 09:16

I would prefer someone said the wrong thing, rather than said nothing.

I would prefer them to be able to just speak, not feel that must somehow craft what they say to make it ok (especially if it leads to unnecessary stiltedness, and may still produce the wrong thing).

But although I know those are reasonably common preferances, that doesn't mean that every greiving person will feel the same, and maybe saying anything beyond 'I'm so sorry' will be the wrong thing for someone in ways that you cannot imagine and certainly never predicted.

No-one means to stick their foot in it, and I agree with the previous poster that as a society we're not so good at talking about death (When did it change? Some time after WW2, I suspect?)

Hoppinggreen · 14/06/2015 10:23

I think as has been said before people don't know what to say.
The things some people ( even those who are actually lovely) sad when I had a 12 week miscarriage were breathtaking
" there must have been something wrong with it", " it's natures way", "at least it wasn't a real baby" " you can try again" are a few examples.
A friend lost her husband at age 30 when she had a 2 year old and a small baby - someone going through a messy divorce told her that that was much worse!!!
People should just say sorry for your loss and shut up.

PaigeMahoney · 14/06/2015 10:37

My brother died a year ago and as a PP said, it's been an education in who gives a shit. My best friend was completely shocked (as we all were) and just said, I am so, so sorry. I can't think of anything else to say but that is shit. Really shit. And she was right.

The ones I still don't get are those who have said absolutely nothing. Not a word. It's as if he never was and what happened didn't or was so insignificant that it doesn't merit a mention. Those are the ones who I keep away from - I'm angry with them.

frozen70 · 14/06/2015 10:37

O and a carfe owner we used to frequent with my mum enquired about her. I had to tell him she had passed away. His fesponse was "you're joking" As ig I would joke about that.

hackmum · 14/06/2015 10:40

OK, people don't know what to say, but surely it doesn't take a huge amount of imagination to say something like "I am so sorry for your loss" or "That must be very hard"? I think "These things happen" is really not making an effort.

I'm still shocked, 30 years on, at some of the crass things people said to me when my mother died.

FryOneFatManic · 14/06/2015 10:47

I've always been one of those who have never really known what to say.

So I had a hard thought about it one day and now I keep it to a simple "I'm sorry for your loss" and generally try to squeeze the hand.

It might sound calculated, but believe me it's not. Keeping it to something simple like this means I'm not worrying about saying the right thing and I give more of my attention to the bereaved in a genuinely sincere way.

I'm 46. It's taken a long time to get to this point.

KingTut · 14/06/2015 10:47

The thing is there are a lot of shitty people about, sometimes it takes a trauma to realise this. Next time cross the road away from them, they never were and never will be your friend, if they behave like that.

DustyCropHopper · 14/06/2015 10:49

Sorry for your loss. My dad passed away 8 weeks ago today, it would be his birthday today too. Someone told my mum the other week only she could pull her self together (weeks after losing her husband of over 42 years). 2 of her long term neighbours (one of over 30 years and the other 25 years or so) have not spoken to her since it happened, even though they always used to. It is sad that some find grief so awkward to deal with.

Sallystyle · 14/06/2015 11:02

Yes, saying the wrong thing is better than saying nothing.

And so many people are crap at dealing with death. When my children lost their dad it amazed me that the people I thought would be by our sides wanted to run away from us and those who I didn't consider to be that close were our rocks. My children had people ignore them at school. One lovely teenager who barely knew my son brought him in loads of chocolate and sweets and simply said 'I am sorry, please feel free to talk to me any time' which was lovely. I will never forget her kindness and I messaged her on fb to tell her what that meant to us when so many others just wanted to run away.

My standard thing to say is 'I am sorry, please let me know if you ever want to talk or if there is anything I can do for you' You can't go wrong with that.

I am sorry for your loss but try not to take this to heart. People who often feel nervous end up saying silly things but if she is otherwise a good friend put it down to a nervous blunder Thanks

Hexiegone · 14/06/2015 11:11

You might find this an interesting listen.

Baddz · 14/06/2015 11:13

The company my dad worked for for over 25 years have not been in touch since the funeral.
Maybe a phone call? A card? A letter? Anything?
Ditto his colleagues. They were all very upset, no doubt about that, but they have not been in touch with mum since.
A few weeks after he died, the company that dealt with dads company car phoned up to book it in for its yearly check.
Guy asked to speak to mr
Mum explained that dad had died a few weeks before.
they guy said "fucking hell'!" And put the phone down!
Luckily mum saw the funny side.
I always try and say something, even if it's only "I didn't know what to say"
i do think it's that - generally - we are all so removed from death now. We all fear it so much.
Years ago - my mums generation - the family laid out their relative, they were kept at home until the funeral a it was open house (some of my mums family still do this in Ireland)
My dads mum used to go and lay out people in their homes after they died.
Now the undertaker does everything...for a fee of course!
One thing dads death has made me do is think about my own arrangements. I have a will, I have left basic instructions for family (dad didn't and I still worry to this day if I did it "right") and I have told those closet to me that I don't want any fuss.

Baddz · 14/06/2015 11:15

Oh yes.
My mums sister told me I had to "get over it" a week after dad died.
He died in my arms.
I dont speak to her now.

CatsRule · 14/06/2015 11:19

People can be very lacking in empathy and I find these people are the ones who want a huge fuss when it's them!

A pervious boss said 'Mum's the word' to me and winked after I lost my first pregnancy...he was a shit anyway!

A stupid woman said to my Mum, while holding onto her first and only, very alive, husbands arm 'I know how you feel' right after my Dad died. Wish I had been there to tell her where to go!

Klayden · 14/06/2015 11:20

I am another one who does not know what to say. I agree that comments don't help. I think actions speak louder than words. My dear friend lost her dad very suddenly when we were only in our early 20s. I didn't know what to say when I saw her; so I hugged her, let her cry, called more distant friends on her behalf because she kept crying when she said the words, made her lunch because she hadn't eaten for 24 hours. She said she remembers the things people did, rather than the words people said. This rang true for me when I lost someone very close to me in a very tragic way.

Some people are more matter of fact about death which makes it harder for the ones left behind. I deal with death in my job and I have to watch that I don't become hardened to it as "part of life" or "one of those things that happens to us all". Yes, those statements are true but it's not about the dead person but about those left behind.

Take care of yourself imwithspud and surround yourself with people who care about you. Flowers

Clawdy · 14/06/2015 11:22

My dad died of a sudden massive heart attack when he was sixty. One of our best friends, when I told him, shook his head and said "Well, at least that's a nice way to go..." I said in shock "If you call dying alone, in great pain nice....okay." He was mortified, but I never forgot it.

CatsRule · 14/06/2015 11:22

Oh and after my Dad died my mil came on the phone all excited asking what happened...erm he died and I was heartbroken you witch!

I'm sorry for your loss...it doesn't matter the relation to the person we lose, some people can be closer to a grandparent/friend/neighbour etc than they are to their own spouse/parent/siblings etc.

I'm also sorry for my rant there! Some things still annoy me clearly!

CatsRule · 14/06/2015 11:23

previous not pervious!!

MissMillament · 14/06/2015 11:24

I lost my father a few years ago. At the time I lived in a different country from my parents. When I told an acquaintance his response was that I couldn't have been that close to him then as he lived so far away. I didn't even know how to reply.

catsrus · 14/06/2015 11:26

I think one problem is that people have such different attitudes to death that it's impossible to get it right. My parents at both dead, by dad had a stroke, was in hospital for weeks, and waiting for a place in a home. He was miserable, very unhappy and hate the thought of a home, always had. When they rang me to say he had died I was relieved. I shed more tears while he was in hospital than when he had died. My mother died of breast cancer, at the end it was just a waiting game, she wanted to die, had refused treatment. When she died I was also relieved. I got fed up with people telling me that it was ok to grieve, that it would probably hit me out of blue, how upset I must be. I was not upset that they had died, we all die, I was upset at their distress as they died - they dying was a welcome relief.

I'm not a cold or heartless person, I was devastated by the death of younger friends in accidents or to cancer, but I was not devastated by the death of my elderly parents - as they were not devastated by the loss of their own elderly parents. In my family it was very much seen as part of life that we all die. I still miss my dad in particular, often see elderly men who for a fleeting minute I think are him....

People won't "get it right" when talking about the death of someone else's loved one because what 'right' for you is not right for me.

TheAnswerIsYes · 14/06/2015 11:30

People are shit.

My father (68yo) died 2 weeks ago. A few days later my sister said "come on, it's for the best. He wasn't happy anyway." I can't believe how heartless she is. She really couldn't see that she said anything wrong. Just because he was lonely doesn't mean he was better of dead.

Sorry for your loss.

Impala77 · 14/06/2015 11:32

It's like the old "had a good innings" my boss said that to me when my nanna died at 82, like the fact she was that age made it any better!!
I agree with others though, we just don't know what to say. I try to say something as it's better than ignoring a friends loss but it's hard, as you don't want to upset them.
Same with illness, recently a friend told me she had a brain tumour, it's inoperable, what do you say to that???

MorrisZapp · 14/06/2015 11:49

I've seen threads saying that 'sorry for your loss' is a shit response and implies that you've lost a person the way you might lose a pen.

There just isn't a 'right' way to speak to the bereaved.

Bereaved people don't have a secret language or uniquely good manners. They're just flawed humans like all of the rest of us, but who find themselves in awful circumstances right now.

It's the death/ loss/ illness/ trauma that is shit. Not usually the people responding to it as best they can.

scarlets · 14/06/2015 12:36

"Maybe there's a reason for it. It's probably meant to be". That was in response to someone whose new business failed after a major investor pulled out without warning. Some people just do t know what to say, so out comes something clumsy!