Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is what not to say to someone who has recently lost a loved one?

91 replies

imwithspud · 14/06/2015 00:14

"These things happen"

No shit sherlock Hmm

Saw a friend a few days ago, she asked how things had been since losing a close family member. I told her and this was her reply. AIBU to think that it's the sort of thing you just don't say to someone who's grieving and that it shows a complete lack of empathy? Death is a part of life, everyone knows that. But comments like that aren't in the least bit helpful.

OP posts:
hackmum · 14/06/2015 13:16

Morris: "I've seen threads saying that 'sorry for your loss' is a shit response and implies that you've lost a person the way you might lose a pen."

I don't really understand this. It's obvious - or should be - that the word "lose" has two meanings, and that one common use is to refer to a bereavement. In any case, "sorry for your loss" is clearly intended sympathetically whereas "These things happen" is just crass.

In fact, as a general rule of thumb, I'd say that anything that attempts to portray a bright side - "he had a good innings"; "at least he didn't suffer"; "it was meant to be"; "you'll have another baby in time" - is best avoided.

Noodledoodledoo · 14/06/2015 13:17

When I lost my mum I categorised my friends into 3 types,

Those who couldn't cope and avoided me. (I had one who didn't speak to me for 4 years because of this)

Those who wanted to put a sticking plaster on it and make it better

Those who sat and let me cry, hugged me when I needed it and arranged things to distract me when it was necessary

I am still friends with all categories 11 years down the line.

I am still just as rubbish at knowing what to say in the same siuation initially everything sounds glib.

I still remember my mums headteacher asking me at the funeral when I was planning to clear her classroom out!

We all fail and I know in my head I have slightly less sympathy when someone older (90+) dies as to me its the normal passage of life but losing my mum when she was 54 isn't - I never say it out loud though and know I am completely out of order for thinking it!

DimpleHands · 14/06/2015 13:42

YANBU.

I had a full blown nervous breakdown when I found out my child was disabled and my delightful SiL said exactly the same thing - "Well these things happen." Swiftly followed by "At least you have DH". Well yes, I also have two arms and two legs but that does nothing to take away the pain I am felling now.

People who are suffering are not expecting you to say anything to make it better (you can't). They just want you to recognise what they are going through.

This short animated video on empathy gets it exactly right.

ttc2015 · 14/06/2015 17:18

Some people are insensitive, some people are just rubbish really. I have a very pragmatic friend who, instead of saying anything to help commented: well at least you didn't have a stillbirth.' When i told her I'd miscarried.

If she's upset them you then perhaps tell her?

Lizsmum · 14/06/2015 18:21

I supported a friend through the illness (cancer) and death of her husband. I was there, at her request, at his death and spent hours and hours helping with the practicalities. I don't in the least regret the support I offered her and I know that she appreciated it. I've known her since we were both 11 years old and in many ways we have been like sisters.

Two years later when I told her, a bit tearfully, that my 33 year old daughter had been diagnosed with an incurable cancer she said 'I don't know why you're getting upset, it's not you who's ill.' I now find it difficult to spend time with her.

I put it down to a complete lack of empathy.

Hexiegone · 14/06/2015 18:45

I have had a very similar experience, Lizsmum, except my friend very purposefully changed the subject back to her. Sorry about your daughter x

hollieberrie · 14/06/2015 19:37

My mum passed away out the blue last year. I was devastated. On my first day back at work, a colleague said to me, "I know exactly how you feel, my neighbours just moved up to Scotland and i miss her terribly".... Hmm

hollieberrie · 14/06/2015 19:38

Sorry for your loss OP and for everyone else on this thread Flowers

queenofthepirates · 14/06/2015 19:44

My mother told me to stop 'whinneying on about your father' just two months after his death (the first time I'd mentioned it too). He was he ex husband but suffice to say I think somewhat poorly of her. People can be insensitive. Some people can be utter cows too.

hiddenhome · 14/06/2015 19:44

Sorry for your loss Flowers

I had a lot of "don't worry, you'll meet someone else" after my dh died Hmm

I totally avoided any social contact with anybody for months because of the shit they used to come out with Confused

PHANTOMnamechanger · 14/06/2015 20:26

gosh Lizsmum how insensitive of your friend. After what she had been through and how much help you had been to her, you would have thought she would understand your pain and want to help you.

Some of the comments people have had on here are unbeliveable. We had "it wasn't meant to be" when DD was stilborn. As empathy goes, thats on a par with DS, when our cat died and we explained - he said "Oh. X is dead? Does that mean we can have a dog now?" without even pausing for breath. The difference is he was only 4 years old and we could see the funny side.

Woobeedoo · 14/06/2015 20:52

When my Great Gran died someone asked how old she was (as if her being old makes it easier) and after I'd told them they said "She had a good innings then". I replied -probably a little too loudly - "Good innings? She wasn't a fucking cricketer!".

thegirlinthebed · 14/06/2015 20:59
Flowers I've had several sad and life changing events this year

I didn't mind so much what people said as I know it can be awkward thinking of the right thing to say.

I very much appreciated anyone who made the effort to be kind - and made themselves available to listen to me. A few people in particular listened to me for ages crying on the phone - it was such a massive help to me.

What was harder to deal with was people who avoided me and said nothing. That made me feel so sad and lonely

maggiso · 14/06/2015 21:16

Sorry for your loss.
Its incredibly hard to say the right thing for each person,even when you know them fairly well, depending both on the person and where they are with their shock and grief. Some may feel too raw or fragile to tolerate sympathetic comments, whilst others may need sympathy or concern and feel upset by even the most careful neutral platitude.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 14/06/2015 21:23

I quite like had a good innings. I don't think people dying at 80 + is the same as someone dying younger. Naturally you miss them but it is just part of life.

ahbollocks · 14/06/2015 21:24

My friend died a dew weeks ago.
My mum said 'everybody dies' and my dad 'life can be cruel'

People do not know what to say

Mcyorkshire1 · 14/06/2015 21:29

At my DH's funeral Last year I was told I was still young and could always marry again. All whilst my two Young sons were stood alongside. People really don't know how to handle death but feel they have to say something to try and make things better. Actually I preferred (and still prefer) people to at least attempt a conversation even if they did balls it up. It was so much better than the pointed looks, avoidance of the pretending that nothing had happened.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 14/06/2015 21:30

What's wrong with life can be cruel?

KBabs · 14/06/2015 21:33

I am sorry for your loss, ImwithSpud. You will find it brings the best (and worse) out in people in ways that really test your mind.... a previous poster has mentioned that people whom you don't know so well can be great, others who you think are close to you are disappointing in their responses....

My father passed away about 6 weeks ago. I had to travel a long distance (with mobility problems) to make the funeral arrangements, which were put "on hold" to accommodate his partner (who had been in hospital being very ill themselves) and for the other next of kin: my sibling who was overseas when it all took place.

I then had very vocal complaints from people about why there had been a delay in the funeral taking place! (interestingly: these were local people and not possibly the closest friends to my father!)

Oh and when I got back home feeling really raw, it was topped off with a comment from an acquaintance: "I've not seen you for a while, someone told me that it was because you have been away and you've recently lost someone close to you, I've been wanting to know who that was".

I had to leave the café or I could have caused serious damage to that person. How come their desire to know something exceed the feelings of the bereaved person? I did manage to respond with "Can you tell me what is your positive intent in asking me that question?" - only heard them splutter when leaving the café.......

Nowt as queer as folk?! I try to remain philosophical ......

Sonnet · 14/06/2015 21:52

I appreciate any comment even if clumsily made. It's those that ignore it that upset me.

Micah · 14/06/2015 22:14

Shit does happen though. I've used it myself. Its an acknowledgement you're having a shit time and are having to deal with it.

Personally, I hate "sorry for your loss". It's American, glib, and doesn't feel very sincere. A stock phrase, like have a nice day.

Same with old people. People do die.

I think most people try, and don't mean to cause upset. Like pp said, in some cases any comment is wrong.

Callaird · 14/06/2015 22:33

A week after my boyfriend died, my (usually) lovely uncle and godfather told me it was time to move on! I seriously wanted to hurt him.

He now has a list of things you never say to someone who has lost someone close, not days, weeks, months or even years afterwards.

Original poster
imwithspud · 14/06/2015 23:55

Thank you for all the replies. It's really interesting hearing others people's views on the matter even if those views clash with mine.

I totally understand that death is a part of life and yes 'these things do happen' but there's no need to state the obvious to a recently bereaved person is there? I think part of the reason I felt put out by my friends comment is because it's not like my granddad passed away suddenly, he was very ill in the 12 months leading up to his passing, at the beginning we were positive and thought he would make a full recovery. It's so incredibly difficult watching someone you love practically waste away and become a shell of the person they once were. It's been a traumatic experience for all involved. Coming out with "these things happen" just made me feel like non of that matters and I should just get over it, but of course it's never that simple is it?

OP posts:
Original poster
imwithspud · 14/06/2015 23:57

Oh and to those who have lost loved ones, I'm so sorry. And thank you for sharing your experiencesThanks

OP posts:
TowerRavenSeven · 14/06/2015 23:59

I'd rather she said that than nothing. I had people avoid me because they didn't know what to say, that was far worse. A very close relative said to me 'well we knew it was going to happen' when my mum died...I at first was taken aback but then realized he might not have known what to say.