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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask what you'd really do if you were in this situation?

70 replies

HowTheHellWasISoStupid · 12/06/2015 19:54

Name changed as I'm feeling so ashamed

I've two dc, youngest is 6 months. Definitely had no plans for any more dc.

I got pregnant after both a condom and morning after pill failure.

3 dc would really hammer us financially, with no spare money at all. It'd be like living on maternity pay month after month. I'd have 3 in childcare at once as the oldest has just turned 2.

Everything is pointing towards the termination route but I just don't know how I'm going to feel afterwards and if I'll be burdened with guilt.

I've no family support at all as both sets of parents live 2 hours away.

I hate being pregnant.

I just never thought I'd be mid thirties and facing this situation.

I rang the BPA today and could hardly speak and get the info as I was so upset. It's the thought that I'm ending a life or contemplating it, that's upsetting.

Making it worse is that I have to travel from Ireland with both my children to have the procedure as I would be totally shunned by family if I talked about what I'm doing. Dh will be with me, but it's going to be a nightmare day.

Don't know what I'm asking really but am I right to be feeling so ashamed?

OP posts:

CookieLady · 12/06/2015 19:58

[unmumsnetty hug] What a difficult situation. To be quite honest I'd do the same. I absolutely hate being pregnant as I suffer from terrible hyperemesis. Also, another child would cripple us financially and emotionally. We simple wouldn't be able to cope. Plese don't feel ashamed.

Ohfourfoxache · 12/06/2015 19:58

Oh sweetheart

Didn't want to read and run but I've got no advice I'm afraid x

HellBoundNothingFound · 12/06/2015 19:59

It is currently a bunch of cells, no consciousness, no feeling. You and your family are here, alive and conscious.

There is NO shame in abortion, NO shame.

Do what YOU feel is right, but look at the situation logically and rationally

best of luck but please don't be hard on yourself

mrschatty · 12/06/2015 19:59

Do you only feel ashamed because of the abortion status quo in Ireland. Do you think if you lived in England or Scotland where abortion is more readily available and people (in my oppinion) didn't have such a discriminatory focus you would feel less ashamed? Try and not think about what society expects and what do you expect- can you struggle for a few more years until all 3 dc are at school or are you happy with life now and quite simply a third child does not factor in the life you have planned for yourself and current dc? Only you can make this decision but at the end of the day it's what's right for you. You shouldn't feel ashamed

ChanandlerBongsNeighbour · 12/06/2015 20:06

A close friend of mine had a similar situation about two years ago. Her DH was the main one against having dc3, she knew it would be a financial/practical struggle but felt they would manage. I was the only person she confided I about what she was contemplating. She was afraid of judgement but I was only afraid for her, of what going through with termination to save her marriage (when her heart wasn't in it) would do to her mental/emotional wellbeing in the long term as well as what it would do to her marriage. She went for all the appointments but when it came down to the wire the hospital refused to proceed as she was a hysterical sobbing mess. She went on to have her child and her marriage is ok.

You are definitely NBU to consider all options open to you, you WBU to make the decision based on any pressure from ANYone else. You must ultimately go with you feel. I am sorry you are in this position. I hope it works out for you whatever you decide xxxx

MrsHathaway · 12/06/2015 20:08

I am very pro choice.

If I got pregnant now, when we take very careful precautions with a tiny, tiny failure rate, I think I would be absolutely devastated. I would be devastated to be pregnant but also devastated to be needing an abortion. I would be in no doubt that that would be the most sensible option - the only sensible option - but that wouldn't mean I would be able to choose it happily.

Abortion Support Network is one of MNHQ's featured charities for Giving Week which is drawing to a close. It supports women in Northern Ireland and Ireland to access the terminations they need but which are denied them by their governments. People touched by this thread might consider bolstering their coffers further.

OP I think it inhumane that you are having to travel to access medical treatment. I wish you and your family the very best for the future.

hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman · 12/06/2015 20:11

Are you right to feel ashamed?

Absolutely not, you have nothing to feel ashamed about. I don't know what I would do in your situation but I do know that nobody, nobody has the right to judge you and your husband for the decisions you make.

MrsNutella · 12/06/2015 20:11

I have no advice and no experience. My two are ten months and 2 years 5 months old. I think if I was pregnant now I would be upset and frightened (two bouts of PND with a fun bit of SPD thrown in. On top of that, the financial implications, lack of family support etc etc) but I'm not sure. I don't know what I would do.

I can only sympathise that your position is a horrible one. You do what is best for you, for your family. For your future. And strength and whatever you decide. X

MrsNutella · 12/06/2015 20:12

And you absolutely definitely should feel no shame!

Howmanywotwots · 12/06/2015 20:17

What an awful situation for you I'm sorry

You asked what we would really do in this position. I wouldn't have an abortion if it was me. I couldn't go through with it and would probably regret it forever.

But that's me not you.

You do what your heart is telling you

Best wishes x

HairyMcMary · 12/06/2015 20:21

Oh, your poor lovely woman .

I do know what I would do on your situation, if it were me and me alone. I have no views or judgements on other people's feelings and choices.

I know the very different feelings between terror and dread in an unasked for pg, and the utter protective commitment to a much wanted baby, and I would not wish to bring s child into the world that was not 100% my choice.

I would want to enjoy the early years of my baby (your youngest) rather than be struggling so soon with a pre schooler, a toddler and a newborn.

I would feel angry that 2 contraceptive methods had failed, and trapped by something out of control .

I would take my life bsck, my life with my two loved children , and I would have a termination.

I have had a termination in the past , before my DC, and I feel no guilt at all . Having now had my darling babies I am glad I became a mother with total joy rather than as a hostage to fortune .

I'm your shoes, I would have a termination.

Whatever you decide I am appalled that women in Irelsnd face such barriers to be in control of their own bodies and lives.

TheWanderingUterus · 12/06/2015 20:23

When I was in an almost identical situation I did have an abortion, although I didn't have the added struggle of travelling so far to get it.

It was hard, but not as hard as keeping the baby would have been.

I was immensely sad afterwards but I have never regretted it or wished I had had the baby.

Don't feel ashamed xxx.

expatinscotland · 12/06/2015 20:23

You have no reason to feel ashamed! I understand where it comes from, having been brought up a Catholic, but life is far, far too short for shame, IMO, when there is really no reason for it.

I hope it goes smoothly and is soon behind you.

HiawathaDidntBotherTooMuch · 12/06/2015 20:24

I would find out whether there was any risk at all that the failed morning after pill could have an adverse effect in the foetus.

NewbieT · 12/06/2015 20:26

I honestly wouldn't. I understand it would be very tough financially but what price a life?

I honestly don't think you sound like you are convinced enough yourself in order to go through with it - if you're hysterical at a phone conversation hiw would you live with the procedure and the reality of it afterwards?

I'm so sorry if this sounds harsh, you have my sympathy, it's not your fault you got pregnant accidentally and you shouldn't feel ashamed about that. But if that's the level of Shame and guilt now over an accident which wasn't your fault, coukd you really live with hiw you'd feel after taking the active decision to have an abortion?

Could you really think about options which might seem a bit crazy - eg a lodger? living with family for 6 months and renting your place out to save money / have additional help?

Original poster

HowTheHellWasISoStupid · 12/06/2015 20:28

Thanks.

I think it's the fact of having to fly over to the clinic that makes me feel ashamed. It's like a walk of shame, somehow.

I feel numb.

I should be enjoying the last of my maternity leave with my darling baby and I'm facing the prospect of an abortion.

Dh says he would terminate if it just him to factor in, but obviously it's not so simple.

OP posts:

MrsCampbellBlack · 12/06/2015 20:30

Do not feel ashamed. It isn't a great situation to be in but in your place I would have the abortion.

I've known several people who have had terminations and it was most definitely the right thing for them to do and they weren't emotionally damaged by it.

munchier · 12/06/2015 20:36

It is currently a bunch of cells, no consciousness, no feeling. You and your family are here, alive and conscious.

There is NO shame in abortion, NO shame

^^This. Wholeheartedly agree.

Sending you love and strength x

BarbarianMum · 12/06/2015 20:36

I honestly don't know what I'd do. Whatever would make me feel less shit long-term I think. Even wanting a third child, I'm not sure I could have coped with a 2 year old, and 18 month old and a baby

lastuseraccount123 · 12/06/2015 20:41

i know what I'd do. I'd have an abortion.

However, you should do what's right for you. No judgement here, just and

BabyMurloc · 12/06/2015 20:44

There are places that can offer impartial councelling. Hit up google and find some professional support. Make sure you get the advice you need to make an informed choice x

GogoGobo · 12/06/2015 20:45

Please don't feel ashamed. My sis has 3 beautiful kids, had an unexpected 4th pregnancy and terminated. She was already living hand to mouth and couldn't contemplate a 4th child. She is a real mother earth type and she was tormented by the decision masking process. However once she had the procedure she took a deep breath and never looked back. It was the right thing for her family. Sounds like it is for you too xx

Zippidydoodah · 12/06/2015 20:45

I've also been in a similar situation. Terminated because I knew/know it was the right thing, but I won't deny that I still think and feel sad about it.

Sending you strength

ghostyslovesheep · 12/06/2015 20:48

please don't be ashamed xxxx

if it is what you need to do then that is what you NEED to do - I would advise speaking to BPAS again and maybe getting someone to talk you through it

I would happily walk with you by the way if I was local to the clinic xx

arethereanyleftatall · 12/06/2015 20:49

I wouldn't have an abortion.

But I certainly wouldn't feel ashamed if I did, for id be doing it for the other children I already have, in your case.

Do only what is right for you. Certainly don't base your decision on what others may or may not think.

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