To ask what you'd really do if you were in this situation?

[HowTheHellWasISoStupid]

Name changed as I'm feeling so ashamed

I've two dc, youngest is 6 months. Definitely had no plans for any more dc.

I got pregnant after both a condom and morning after pill failure.

3 dc would really hammer us financially, with no spare money at all. It'd be like living on maternity pay month after month. I'd have 3 in childcare at once as the oldest has just turned 2.

Everything is pointing towards the termination route but I just don't know how I'm going to feel afterwards and if I'll be burdened with guilt.

I've no family support at all as both sets of parents live 2 hours away.

I hate being pregnant.

I just never thought I'd be mid thirties and facing this situation.

I rang the BPA today and could hardly speak and get the info as I was so upset. It's the thought that I'm ending a life or contemplating it, that's upsetting.

Making it worse is that I have to travel from Ireland with both my children to have the procedure as I would be totally shunned by family if I talked about what I'm doing. Dh will be with me, but it's going to be a nightmare day.

Don't know what I'm asking really but am I right to be feeling so ashamed?

Just to tell you my story. I fell pregnant with my third unplanned. My husband was very pro abortion. The issues we faced were only living in a two bed house (had two girls) we were worried about finances, coping, childcare costs. Something inside me wouldn't even entertain the idea and there was a lot of arguments in the first 16 weeks. Anyway after that he was fine, happy. We had him and everything has been absolutely fine. There's been no money issues at all. We luckily managed to extend our house to a four bed. He's brought us nothing but joy and no issues.

On.the other hand after my first child I fell pregnant when she was a couple months old. I was on the pill and was exclusively expressing but still fell pregnant and I knew straight away what I wanted to do and that it wasn't the right time. When I woke from surgery I just felt relief (feel guilt saying that now tho), iv always known it was the right thing.

You have to go with your gut feeling despite what anyone else says. Follow your own instincts. If you abort, that's okay. If you don't. Use will make it work. Good luck.

The only shame should belong to those who deny women the access to safe, free contraception, family planning and termination services.

Look after yourself OP.

No need for shame at all! Abortion is a really wonderful solution to a horrid problem.

Seems a faff to drag dp and the kids here though.

I live close to heathrow and a good abortion clinic if I can be of any help?

Happy to pick you up or direct you. You can rest on my sofa until I drop you back at the airport pm if you need help

That is really good of you green
I found the hardest part was organising and then travelling to a part of the UK I had never been.
I did go by myself though but it actually wasn't half as bad as I was imagining..

OP you have nothing to be ashamed of, do whatever you feel is right for you and your family.

I live within easy reach of both Bristol and Birmingham airports. Let me know if I can be of help in any practical way xxx

I could tell you what I would do but that means nothing.
I am not you.

If you have a termination make sure it is truly what you want and you have plenty of real life support around you.

If you go through with the pregnancy just remember nothing stays the same for ever including difficult times.

I hope you find your answer x

Each family and situation is different but I have been where you are - TWICE! The first time we decided to keep the baby and I wouldn't swop him for the world. The second time we decided not to keep it. It was hard and very emotional but I had no doubt it was the right thing for all the peop,e in our family. It is still with me 2.5 years later and always will be but I had to consider the 3 children I already had.

A huge percentage of women have had a termination , I think I once read 1 in 3.
I just felt relief, and now never think of it at all.

You asked what we would really do and I wouldn't personally terminate. The answer to that is going to be different for everyone.

You have no need to feel ashamed of being in this position. You have been responsible with contraception and this does happen.

I wonder which decision you'd regret most in ten years' time? Ending the pregnancy or choosing to have another child? I do see termination as ending a life - that's not judgement but I think it's important to go into the decision with your eyes open (not implying that you're not, can see that you're taking it very seriously) and I don't find the 'just a bundle of cells' point of view very helpful.

I know that I would choose the financial hardship over living with the decision to terminate, knowing that there's no way to predict the future anyway and knowing we would adjust to having a bigger family than we'd planned. But you are the one who has to live with the consequences of the decision.

I am pro choice and I'm certainly not judging you. I found I was pregnant with twins so not exactly the same situation but went from one to three. It might seem impossible but there are practical things financially you can do. It may not be insurmountable. I'm just saying that you could get some advice first.
I know you are in a terrible situation and every decision is personal and I hope you get to make a decision you are happy with.

Thinking of you x

What about adoption? It looks as though you are very loving and seem to have fallen into a tight spot with this and if abortion wasnt something up your street at least you could think about giving this child a chance to grow with a family who would otherwise never have one. I know it would mean working through the pregnancy but it is another option.

In my current situation desperately ttc after a miscarriage I would continue with pregnancy.

In your situation I would terminate. I have always been pro choice but after having a miscarriage I have realised that I don't think those collection of cells come alive to much later.

Try not to feel ashamed. This is no your fault, nor is the decision to terminate anything to be ashamed of. You must do what's best for you and your family. No one could say how you'd feel after an abortion, nor how if you chose to continue the pregnancy it could affect you either. You could feel fine with either or not.

Speak to someone about his, get some advice. Abortion isn't a shameful thing to do or consider. Good luck OP.

I think an abortion is logical in this situation. When you had sex you took measures not to become pregnant using both condom then MAP as it didn't suit your current family situation. Nothing has changed since then, another baby doesn't suit your existing family's situation. therefore i would terminate.

I hope you make the right decision for you and feel at peace with it eventually

What about adoption? It looks as though you are very loving and seem to have fallen into a tight spot with this and if abortion wasnt something up your street at least you could think about giving this child a chance to grow with a family who would otherwise never have one.

OP is in Ireland. Quite apart from the fact that she doesn't want her family to know, and in an adoption scenario everyone and his dog would know, its almost impossible to place a child for adoption in Ireland. In the OP's case it isn't legally possible at all.

Please don't feel ashamed. You're making a sensible decision, by the sound of it, based on the family that you already have and chose to have. Abortion is legal and a woman's right in this country (the UK), with very good reason. That reason is so that women can make a choice. It is your body, your family, your finances and this decision is right for you. It isn't an easy one to make, I would imagine, but if it is the right one then hopefully you'll be able to forgive yourself and go back to the life you already have. and best wishes.

What would I really do?
I did have a termination, twice.

I was not in any way the situation that you are, having to travel etc and there was no shame or family pressures.
I can honestly say that I did not, and never have had any regrets at all - it is not something I even think about ever (one was 21 yrs ago, one 17 yrs ago).

If you catch it early enough, it is a simple case of taking a couple of pills and it is over and done with soon enough - it is not a life or a baby, it is a cluster of cells.
If you attach shame and feeling to it, it will be harder for you - if you can detach then it will be easier.

for you, whatever decision you make - shame is not something you should feel at all. too.

Hope you're ok today. Don't be ashamed - this was an accident and many women do what you are considering doing every week.

I'm Irish and have 3 kids under 4 - it's manageable, good days and not so good days. I often remind myself they are only young for such a short time.

On a practical level In September my eldest will be into the free preschool year. I get 405 euro a month in child benefit. We have just one income coming in but we manage by cutting back - shopping in lidl, no nights out other than to call to friends, driving an old car... This too shall pass - you might be hammered financially for a while but it won't be forever. Would it make any sense for you to give up work or take a career break?

We bought virtually nothing for our third born - all hand me downs.

Is there anyone in real world you can confide in? Anyone you could leave the kids with when you travel? Perhaps go without your dh?

I was shocked when I was first pregnant - my gp sent me to a local counselling service (free of charge). It really helped to talk through how I was feeling at the time.

Whatever you do be kind to yourself.