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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask what you'd really do if you were in this situation?

70 replies

HowTheHellWasISoStupid · 12/06/2015 19:54

Name changed as I'm feeling so ashamed

I've two dc, youngest is 6 months. Definitely had no plans for any more dc.

I got pregnant after both a condom and morning after pill failure.

3 dc would really hammer us financially, with no spare money at all. It'd be like living on maternity pay month after month. I'd have 3 in childcare at once as the oldest has just turned 2.

Everything is pointing towards the termination route but I just don't know how I'm going to feel afterwards and if I'll be burdened with guilt.

I've no family support at all as both sets of parents live 2 hours away.

I hate being pregnant.

I just never thought I'd be mid thirties and facing this situation.

I rang the BPA today and could hardly speak and get the info as I was so upset. It's the thought that I'm ending a life or contemplating it, that's upsetting.

Making it worse is that I have to travel from Ireland with both my children to have the procedure as I would be totally shunned by family if I talked about what I'm doing. Dh will be with me, but it's going to be a nightmare day.

Don't know what I'm asking really but am I right to be feeling so ashamed?

OP posts:

BullshitS70 · 12/06/2015 20:50

I was in the same situation, 2 kids under 3, then I got pregnant by mistake, and I was forced to face the choice of a termination or not. We thought about it individually and together for a couple of weeks then went out for dinner to discuss it

I have always felt its every womans right to do what they need to do in this situation, but when it came down to the wire, I couldn't do it. I had the baby. DH hasn't got a great job, we couldn't afford a number 3, new car, complicated holiday accommodation etc....but more than that I couldn't do it because he was alive inside me.

That's just how I felt, and I do not judge you to feel you can go through with a termination. I just finally realised that I couldn't handle it and when our son came along, it was wonderful and has been ever since. We don't have much money, but hes brought such great joy to us, and I think in a way I feel esp close to him as he was the only baby we had this dilemma over

I have a serious health condition, we didn't have a spare room, car was too small, there was every reason why it was a bad idea, but a few months later there I was a mum to 3 pre-schoolers. The first couple of years was hard, but its getting easier now. It is do-able, your kids will be close to each other, they will like the same stuff (toys, games, tv ) which makes things easier. Good luck

froggyjump · 12/06/2015 20:57

I seriously considered an abortion when pregnant with DS3. The only reason I didn't go through with it is that I was much further along than I had thought. While he is a lovely boy, and I wouldn't be without him now, I can see how much simpler my life would have been if he had never existed.

Good luck whatever you decide x

mikado1 · 12/06/2015 21:06

You are in a terrible situation and you are there through no fault of your own so you have to do whatever you can to deal with it the best way possible for you, whichever option this may be. You are not at fault xx

Sgtmajormummy · 12/06/2015 21:08

Abortion is a hard choice, but what about the long term consequences of having another child?
You wouldn't just be making your own life harder, you would also be denying the rest of your family a better life. No money for luxuries now translates into no money for University fees in the future. Is that what you want for your kids?

Mistigri · 12/06/2015 21:18

You're not "right" or "wrong" to feel ashamed, you can't help your feelings. It's a pity that women have been made to feel that abortion is something shameful - but thats not your fault.

In your shoes I would be doing exactly what you are doing. You have a responsibility towards your family and yourself, and you need to do what you believe is best for all of you.

BolshierAyraStark · 12/06/2015 21:24

Whatever you decide please do not feel ashamed as there is nothing to be ashamed of. In your position I would terminate.
Good luck whatever, ultimately only you can make the choice .

Fatmomma99 · 12/06/2015 21:30

Like others, I don't feel it's appropriate to give my opinion - this has to be your choice.

All the best to you, and whatever you decide, you're not alone. x

LobsterQuadrille · 12/06/2015 21:31

OP, I feel for you. The fact that you have to travel to have this procedure is appalling. I was in a similar situation 14 years ago. On a rational level I knew that I should have an abortion - I was already a single parent with one DD - but on an emotional level I felt that what I was thinking was wrong. I had the abortion and cried throughout, and felt terrible afterwards BUT I have never regretted it and can only think now how the quality of life that DD and I have had would have been so very different - I couldn't have put two children through private school, for instance (which I only did as the hours were 8am to 6pm) and holiday care would have been double what I paid for one child. I have no doubt that I did the right thing for DD and me.

Whatever you decide will be right for you. Sending you .

Ragusa · 12/06/2015 21:33

If I was in your situation I think I'd have a termination. But I'm not you ...

Two things I'm certain of: you shouldn't be ashamed at all. Shame's a social and religious construct. Other people who might judge, well, that's simply not very christian and definitely not warranted.

Second thing, abortions aren't necessarily physically or emotionally problematic. I've had one in the past and while unpleasant it wasn't awful, not in the least. Emotionally I had no problems despite a history of depression and anxiety. Occasionally I wonder about the older sibling my children never had but I don't think about it often. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh. Just being truthful.

Make the right decision for YOU. It was only when I hit my late thirties that I really realised that living your life any other way is a dead loss.

ModernToss · 12/06/2015 22:02

You asked us what we would do in this situation. I would have a termination. That's the honest answer.

Please don't feel ashamed, it really isn't something that should shame you. It would be a decision based on what's best for the four of you in your family.

WinterOfOurDiscountTents15 · 12/06/2015 22:04

There are people that can help you. Call the abortion support network for advice

12 women everyday make that journey across for the same reason. The only shame is that you are forced to do that and can't do it at home, there is none on you at all.
I'm sorry that you find yourself in this situation and I'm sorry the process is that much harder because of where you live. I wish you the best of luck.

Welshmaenad · 12/06/2015 22:09

I would 100% terminate, no question.

We could not manage a third child and my health isn't great either, I would worry about the consequences of a third pregnancy. I have two very living, present children to consider first and foremost - they need a mother alive, well enough to care for them, able to meet their emotional and material needs,

The situation you face in having to travel to access family planning is horrific. I'm so sorry.

viva100 · 12/06/2015 22:10

I'd terminate. Not just for my own mental health but also for the sake of my other 2 children. They need a healthy mum and a secure environment. There's no shame in it. Medicine has given you control over your own body. It's an embarassment that the Irish government is making you fly to England to exercise your right to choose what happens to your own body but this is the way it is for now - it's a sad state of afffairs but it is not a walk of shame!

whatever you decide though, don't be ashamed. It's your body, your life, your family. Neither of us can tell you what to do.

gointothewoods · 12/06/2015 22:11

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

WinterOfOurDiscountTents15 · 12/06/2015 22:17

piss off troll hunting on a thread like this. WTF is wrong with you?

LD29 · 12/06/2015 22:19

Feel so sorry for you. I have 4 kids, and I'm done. If it were to happen I don't think I could. I'm Irish Catholic too, and don't think I could live with it after. Also, it would be a sibling, and I don't think I could go through that, as if depriving the others. I was finished after 3, and number 4 was a big shock, after split condom and morning after pill. I continued the pregnancy, numb. At 20 weeks I had a bleed- only then I realised I wanted the baby!! He's 3 now and I couldn't be without him.

Magicalmrmistofeles · 12/06/2015 22:31

I'm Irish catholic but live in England. I have had a termination in the past, and would do again if I had to. I feel no guilt.

Only you can know what you want to do but there is no shame in it. The shame should be on the Irish government that makes women travel to the uk to access medical services.

Wishing you well op, whatever you decide.

ProcrastinatorGeneral · 12/06/2015 22:33

No shame. None. You do what is best for you and yours. Not one person can say either of your options is better than the other.

Much love to you.

GatoradeMeBitch · 12/06/2015 22:54

Concentrate on the fact that you want to protect the financial stability and wellbeing of your family. You wouldn't be doing anything to a child, there is no child, it's one tiny step beyond egg and sperm.

You did everything right, you have nothing to be ashamed of. Your government should be deeply ashamed for making you leave the country to exercise your human rights.

Hillijx · 12/06/2015 23:18

I fell pregnant with our third when dd2 was 6 months also, after 2 easy pregnancies we weren't too worried as we had always wanted 3 and could afford it etc. it is extremely hard work. Now we are done and have the max I can cope with so I know that if I fell again I would most likely terminate even if it broke my heart as it wouldn't be fair to my other children as I couldn't stretch myself nor our finances any further. You know what you can cope with and you shouldn't feel stupid or ashamed if it's the right thing for your family. Wishing you all the best

nilbyname · 12/06/2015 23:29

It's your decision to make, and my opinion on that is you should be free to make the choice for you and the impact on your family.

pleaae don't let the political and religious position influence your choice. IF you decide to abort, try and decide free from what others might think it the perceived "walk of shame"

As a mother I feel like another child is potentially on the cards and I am wishfully painting a picture of that child. That's the maternal instinct, that's part of what makes me a good mum to my kids now. But also I know that another baby would be the wrong thing for my family and me. That's also my material protective mothering instinct kicking in.

Listen to your thoughts, be mindful of making an informed choice. Take some impartial advice and make sure you have weighed up all your options.

Good luck

SakuraSakura · 12/06/2015 23:36

You poor thing x You are most certainly not stupid! You should not feel shame! I live in Ireland too. I hate what our abortion laws do to people.

I don't know what it's like to be in your shoes. All I know is that I'm 100% pro choice. I have never terminated a pregnancy, it's or something I'd find easy to do .... but I have to say that it's something I could never rule out. Because contraception fails, and because I firmly believe that I should always prioritise the family I have with me, first. I am a mother, I adore my child, but I know how hard it is too. Sending you support and strength you did nothing wrong.

LucyBabs · 12/06/2015 23:42

For you op facing such a tough decision. No one can tell you how you will feel if you do have an abortion. Please please don't feel ashamed. If you are in Dublin, contact reproductive choices. I found them so supportive. They'll help even if you decide not to have an abortion.
Take Care

SeraOfeliaFalfurrias · 12/06/2015 23:46

OP, your emotions are yours and they're real, and you should be feeling them. BUT, the only feelings relevant to your choice are the ones of love or not for this unborn child, your feelings of dread at how you would cope with another, feelings of guilt for ending the potential of a life, guilt for making the lives of your born children more difficult if you keep the child, sadness at the loss of the baby... so many feelings, all of the important and real and part of the decision that you along need to make.

The feeling that should be completely irrelevant is shame. You should never feel shame at doing what's right for you and your family. Other people's opinions of you won't feed or clothe your babies or put them in childcare. And no-one needs know your decision anyway.

Wishing you strength to know what's right for you, and the courage to follow through with it, not matter what you choose.

Neither choice will be the easy option, both will be very hard, but only you know which is right.

ArcheryAnnie · 12/06/2015 23:46

Do what you need to do, terminate if you need to, with absolutely no shame at all. I'm only sorry that you have to travel so far for it - it really isn't fair on you.

And the pregnancy at the moment is a barely visible thing, a potential more than anything else - even when left to nature not every potential turns into something real.

Think of the family you already have, and the incredibly brave and difficult thing you are doing for the whole family's benefit - though goodness knows you have absolutely every right to do it for your own benefit, too.

May it all happen swiftly and as smoothly as these things ever can. Look after yourself, and please remember to be kind to yourself.

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